September 2, 2011

Trying to Cope

I never thought we'd lose a baby. I never thought I would have to call my husband from my OB's office to tell him we Lost Our Sweet Angel. I never thought I'd call my mom to tell her, that she lost a Grand baby. I never thought I would come home to tell my kids that their brother or sister that was in Mommy's Tummy had died. I never thought my Body would go into Labor and deliver my baby at 15 weeks and 6 days. I never thought I would get to see my Angel's Face so early only to never see him again.

I never thought I'd do all that in a matter of 4 days just 6 weeks ago. I never thought I would be a Mom to a Baby in Heaven. But I am. And I am coping and grieving. I am holding onto my Faith and my God. I couldn't get through this without God. I couldn't go one day without God carrying me and now walking right beside me. I feel so weak and lost, but because of my Faith... I will get through it and will be found and strong once again. I know God has a plan. I know God will bring good from Isaac's death.

I had the sweet young lady, Tracy, that cuts Samuel's hair, tell me today that I will get through this because I am a Strong Christian Women. That surprise me because she doesn't know me well. But she can see my faith through my grief. That is amazing. That tells me that I am doing what I want to get done through Isaac's death. My Faith is shining through. My Faith is what people see. And that is important to me. I need people to know that I am strong Only because of my Faith in what God's Word tells me. I am strong because Jesus is in my heart and is Lord of my Life.

I have been dealing with more panic attacks lately. I think the numbness is wearing off finally and the reality of Isaac truly being gone is setting in. And it sends my heart in a panic. That I will never feel my baby move (I would be about 22 weeks pregnant), I will never be awaken my Isaac kicking or moving to get comfortable. And it is hard to come to terms with that. Just hard to believe that I will never experience that with my Sweet Isaac. But I know and believe that my Isaac sees me and doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to rejoice in knowing he is with my Heavenly Father. That he is where I would want him to be. He isn't in pain and he is not suffering. He is perfect, alive, and happy. But my heart breaks to know he is so far away from me.

I know I am not the 1st and won't be the last to lose a baby. I want to use Isaac's death to help other moms. I want to educate friends and families of parents that lose their sweet angels. I have friends that have been such a support to me and my family. And I have others that I have come to realize are not the friends I need moving forward. It makes me sick that people think that the "pain" they feel about being asked for "space" is the same "pain" I feel or any mom feels that has lost a baby. It's not the same. Anyways, that is something I am trying to let go of.

I couldn't sleep last night. Which for me lately is not a big surprise. So I got up and put the clothes in the drier and went and sat in the rocking chair for a little bit. I was listening to KLTY and just praying. I was singing and worshiping my King. I finally got up and went to sit in the bathroom to journal. Hubby was sleeping in the bed and the kids were all asleep. So I sat on the floor and used the step stool as a table to write. I had my phone by me just in case I got a FB message or something. I just sat there and wrote about what was going on. How I missed my baby and that my hubby was in bed snoring. I looked down and my phone was flashing the red light that tells me I have a message of some sort. I looked at it and it showed I had an email. It was from a friend from my Life Group. This is what she wrote: "Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you right this minute." She told me God put me on her heart. I knew that too when I got the email. I told her that I needed to her that right that minute. I was hurting and I needed to know I was loved and being prayed for. God showed me that using someone I trust. That meant allot to me. Getting emails, cards, and FB messages from friends saying their still praying means the world to me. It means they haven't forgotten. They still care and are still praying for us.

From a mom that has a baby in Heaven please hear me. If you know someone that has lost a baby (at any point) or child..... they will hurt forever. The pain never ends... it gets easier to deal with after time. But will never end. They need your prayers, words of encouragement, and listening ear. They need to know you still remember and will be there for them. It doesn't matter how long ago their loss was, they still need to talk about it.

I have a wonderful friend that gave me a gift this week. She came over to hang out for a little bit because I wasn't feeling good and couldn't meet her for dinner. She brought with her the gift she got for Isaac's Keepsake Box. It was precious. It it a Porcelain Baby about the size of what Isaac was at delivery. It meant so much to me to be able to hold the little baby and imagine Isaac. She got one for her sweet baby she lost as well. She and I have been getting closer because of our Loss. God brings people together in special ways.

Well, I guess that is it for now. Thank you for listening and being there for me!