I was thinking last night, about what I was thinking and doing 5 years ago. And it made me realize that we found out on our 6th Wedding Anniversary we were expecting our 5th child.
We had our daughter in 2006. I was nursing her and got my 1st period right before Thanksgiving. So I was expecting it right before Christmas. We were NOT trying for another baby just yet. So we were of course using protection. We made love once, the whole month. We had a 9 month old, so we were lucky to make love once.
So when it didn't come by Christmas, I got a little worried. I didn't tell anyone (not even my Hubby) that is was late. I started to think, getting my period the month before was a fluke. And maybe I wasn't suppose to get it just yet. So I was in complete denial. I just kept on doing what I was doing and just trying to forget about my late period.
Finally, the night before our 6th Anniversary, my hubby was making dinner before he went out with the guys to play poker. He told me "he wanted another baby, and he knew I wasn't ready." I knew that was my last sign from God that I was indeed pregnant again. I still didn't tell Hubby anything.
So hubby went out with the guys to play poker and didn't get home until late. We got into a little argument about the fact that he stayed out so late and I wasn't happy. So Hubby ended up sleeping on the couch. I wasn't feeling so good, and I knew I had one last pregnancy test. So I went into the bathroom and took the test. Within about 15 seconds, the test came back positive. I started crying and not sure what to think. I went and got my Hubby and told him to go look in the bathroom. He went in and came out. He said, "so". I'm sitting on the bed crying. And I said "What are we going to do?" He said "we're going to have a baby."
But I was so scared and freaked out. I wasn't ready to have another baby just yet. My oldest was 4 1/2, my twins were almost 3, and my baby girl was 10 months old. We couldn't afford another baby just yet and I wasn't sure I could handle another baby. But I knew that God was in control and God had a plan. And if He wanted us to be pregnant, than we would be.
I also knew that I needed to keep telling God that I wanted this baby and Please don't take him/her back, just because I was scared and not quite ready for him/her. I worked for a family that lost a baby. I truly felt like she lost the baby because she didn't want the baby. She would tell everyone that told her Congratulation's that she didn't want the baby. She lost the baby around 16 weeks because of placenta previa. So I didn't want that to happen to me. I wanted my baby, I just needed time to come to terms with everything going on.
Fast forward 9 months, in August 2007, we welcomed our 5th child (4th son) into the world. He is a true blessing and I am blessed to be his MOM!! He was the bast baby I had and was such a good sleeper. He was usually always happy and smiling. I am grateful for the gift of my Samuel.
So now 5 yeas later. I was "due" with our 6th baby on our 11th Anniversary. With a baby I wanted so very much! I had been praying for him for 2 1/2 years. I was so excited to have a "missed period" and to finally have a positive pregnancy test. I was shaking and crying when I saw that test come out positive. It was right before Mother's Day. I remember it was a Thursday and before the kids got out of school. My hubby was home that day, and I showed him the test. He didn't know what to think at that point. He was shocked and unsure what to think. After a few days, he was excited and I was over the moon.
I had blood work done and was told we were about 3 weeks along. I would come into the office in about 1 1/2 weeks and have our 1st sonogram. I was 5 weeks and 3 days when we 1st saw our baby. It was on a Monday. We saw his heartbeat and just cried. We were told we were "due" on January 6, 2012. We looked at each other, and said that's our Anniversary. We knew we'd take the baby before the end of the year, hubby wanted the "tax credit" for this year. So we left the office with a picture of our "Peanut."
The next night (Tuesday), I went to the potty and wiped and saw blood. I freaked out and I started crying. I started praying and asking God to not take my baby. Please let this baby be ok. So I grabbed my phone (my hubby was on the phone with his dad. He had just told him we were expecting #6.) so I could call my doctor. He said to just lay down and rest and call him in the morning. I knew and he knew, if I was having a miscarriage their is nothing anyone could do. I told my Hubby that I was bleeding and I was so scared.
I didn't sleep well and I couldn't stop thinking about my "Peanut". We had just told the kids the day before we were expecting too. How was I going to tell them "we lost the baby"? I called the doctor as soon as they opened. They asked me to come in around 11:30. So I dropped off the younger 2 at my Mother in Law's House and went to get my mom. She went with me to the appointment.
We got to the office and sat and waited to be called back. The sonogram lady called me back and started the vaginal sonogram. She didn't show me anything for what seemed like hours. But was maybe like 5 minutes. She finally told me, she saw the heartbeat and the baby looked fine. She told me to stay on bedrest until I went 7 days with no bleeding, spotting, and/or discharge. You know how fun and not easy that is with 5 kids?? But I did the best I could and had the best Hubby and Mom in the world to help!!
I had several appointment between that day and the day we found out we Lost Isaac. Each appointment he would look bigger and stronger. But then for whatever reason, our Son was gone. God had taken our Sweet Isaac back so early. It broken my heart. But I have Faith that God had a reason for allowing Isaac to leave so early. Isaac will always be our Son, just as Sweet Pea will always be our Child (I still think SON!)
So now, we come to the end of what would be Isaac's Pregnancy and no baby. We would be about 15 1/2 weeks Pregnant with Sweet Pea now. But again for whatever reason, we lost Sweet Pea too. Trying telling your kids that you didn't just lose 1 baby, but 2 babies in less than 3 1/2 months. NOT FUN!
I think with Sweet Pea, I wanted to be pregnant again so bad, that I didn't allow my body to heal and I didn't let God have control. I wanted to have another baby so bad, that I took control and did whatever I needed to do to get pregnant again. Big mistake. Not worth it. I should have waited, even one more month. And I should have let God have the control. I have learned my lesson. I will not take the control of trying to get pregnant again. We will Make Love when we want to and only when we want too. And if God's Will is for us to get pregnant again, it will happen.
So, here I am 5 years later. Grateful for the Surprise Blessing of my Samuel and grieving the Short Lives of Isaac and Sweet Pea. Allot has happened in 5 years. I have grown allot and learned allot. I have let go of friendships (lots of them) and made new ones (I'm grateful for them!!) And I have learned to trust God and His Will for my life and family. His Will is perfect and mine is not.
Christi
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