That is the title of the email I sent out this weekend. I have been praying and talking to God about where to go from here. What is He trying to tell us? Why does God keep allowing us to lose babies?
I was talking to my friend, and she said I need to tell people what I need. She said I need to be open and honest with what I need. And since I have had quite a few people ask me what I needed from them. I figured I would ask them what I needed. Here is the email I sent out:
Hi,
I was wondering if I could ask something of you. Please know you don't have to by any means, but for those of you that would be willing.
I would like to ask for those of you that don't mind, to call or email me from time to time and check on me. I have had a few people ask what they can do for me, and I think I just need to know and be reminded that people are praying for me.
I'm having a very hard time right now. I miss my babies so very much. I'm trying to come to terms that I need to want God's Will for my life and not my own desires for my life. And with that I'm coming to terms that my desires for another baby may not be God's Will for my family. I am seeing after our 2nd loss, how much this is hurting my kids and my husband. So today, I took a very huge and painful step. I prayed and ask God to show me His Plan for my family. I asked God if it is his Will for us to have another baby that he will allow me to become pregnant in His time, and that He will bless us with an uneventful and stress free pregnancy. With no spotting and no discharge. But if God's Will is not for our family to grow with the birth of another baby, that God will close my womb and not allow me to become pregnant again. And that God will remove my hearts desire of having another baby and replace it with peace and complete joy and fullness with the 5 Earthly Angels I have.
For anyone that has known me long, they can tell you, this is very hard for me. All my life, I have wanted allot of children. I was not prepared for Samuel to be our last baby. I was not prepared to experience 2 losses. But for whatever reason, God has allowed this pain to come into our lives. So I'm learning what I can do with the pain and how I can grow from it.
I'm learning, that I can't and I won't allow my Desires to continue to hurt my family. I will not continue to pray for my desires, but I will walk away from them. I am learning every day to walk towards God's Will. I have told God, the control is His, and I'm letting go of it. The future of my Family is in His Hands, and I'm ok with that. So if God's Will for our family to grow, he will. And if it's not God's Will for our family to grow, my womb will close. But I need and have to let go of the control. I need to step back and let God have complete control. What that looks like right now, I'm not totally sure.
What I do know: I need to stop stressing, worrying, and thinking about when and if we will have another baby. I need to be in the here and now. I need to be here for my children and husband. I need to love them and stop wishing on what might be. I need to leave the future to God. I need to leave the possibility of another baby in God's Hands. I need to go on with my life and stop living it around when we can start trying again. If and when we get pregnant is in God's Hands, not mine, and I need to leave it there and walk away.
It's so hard to imagine never having another baby bump, never to hear another heartbeat, never to feel the 1st kick, never to see my tummy move while the baby moves, to never see my baby for the 1st time, to nurse another baby, never to see their 1st smile, never to hear their 1st laugh, and so much more. It's so hard because I never expect Samuel to be the last baby I brought home.
But at the end of the day, it can't be and I will NOT let it be all about me or what I want. It has to be about God's Will and what's best for my family.
So I'm learning to let go of the control and let God have complete control of this. Please pray for me, because this is probably one of the hardest things I will ever do besides saying goodbye to my 2 Angels.
So that's where I am right now. And I just need to be reminded that people are still praying for us and that people do care. So to answer people's question, what you can do for me. Is to just email or call me and just remind me your praying and care. It is so easy to get in a hold and tell yourself no one cares. But it makes it harder to do that when people are reaching out to you. It doesn't have to be much, just a quick email, or a 3 minute phone call. You don't have to understand how I'm feeling to call, just remind me your praying and care. That's it. So again, don't feel like you have too. Just if you feel like you want to help, this is what I'm needing right now.
I got allot of good responses and people really seemed to be open to helping me. But like my friend said, I will find allot of people who are "not safe people". They are the people who don't reply and don't want to open themselves to being there for me. And that is fine. And I don't need those people to feel loved. What is quiet sad, is allot of them are from church. And I guess I thought if they went to church, they'd be safe.
But I guess my point is that I needed to give control back to God. It was never mine in the 1st place, and I had no right to take control. So when we are able to start trying again. We will have fun with it and not stress about it. If it happens it happens, if not, then it's not God's Will. I just don't want to get pregnant again if we are just going to lose another baby. I'm done with losing babies, I am done with the plan. So that is about it.
Sorry if this didn't make any sense.
No comments:
Post a Comment