November 14, 2011

Well it Happened


I knew it would and it happened. I have been judged because of the way I'm grieving. And the sad thing is, is that is from a friend I've know for years.

The thing is she has never really known, and I mean really known well, someone that has lost a baby. So she has no idea what is normal when it comes to grieving a baby. So she thinks I'm losing it and I'm going to hurt myself, and that I'm not thinking clearly. The funny thing is, she lives thousands of miles away from me. And we only talk by phone or email.

She asked if my Husband and Mom know how sad I am and that she is concerned for my safety. So I flat out asked my Mom and Hubby (who by the way, she me every day) if they are concerned about me. They both said, that I am fine and I'm grieving but nothing more. They are NOT concerned and NOT worried about me. So that leads me to believe that if the 2 people who see me every day are not worried about me or my mental state, then I find is so full of it and doesn't have a foot to stand on.

When I asked her what made her think that of me, she would never reply. So again, makes me believe she has nothing to stand on.What she said was hurtful and judgemental. It was rude and unkind. She has never lost a child and has never suffered a miscarriage or lost of a baby too soon. She has all of her kids that she has given birth too. She has no idea what is like to grieve a child you never got to know or see.

Yes, I am sad. And I will be sad for a while to come. But I still do the things I need to do each day. Some days I get more done than others. And some days are harder than others, and some days easier than others. This Holiday Season is going to be hard. And that is normal. I just lost 2 babies. I have every right to be sad and to have pain. I should not and will not let anyone tell me I need to suck it up or move on. I do not need medicine nor do I need to see a consular. I would like to look into seeing a consular, not because I need it to survive. But because it would give me another outlet to talk about my feelings. But I in no way, need it! I am functioning just fine right now, and I don't need medicine to help me. That doesn't mean I have anything against medicine or people who need it. And if at some point I feel like I can't cope and can't do what I need to do anymore. Than I have no problem looking into medicine. But my goodness, it has only been 3 weeks since I learned I lost my 2nd baby. I have a right to grieve and cope the way I need to do it right this time.

I didn't cope right the 1st time with Isaac, and guess what I will do it right this time. Because I am now grieving 2 babies, not just one. So with God, I'm going to get through this and be a stronger person at the end of it. There is nothing wrong with being sad, or not wanting to leave the house every day. I don't feel like I need to make it a point to get out of the house every day. I love staying at home and always have. I have no problem going places when and only when I want too. Yes at 1st, I do not want to go anywhere I know allot of people, that their is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with me. I am normal and I am coping and grieving.

I love my Earth Babies so much!! And I'm excited to spend each day God gives me with them! I look forward to seeing there sweet faces each morning and kisses them each night. I'm ok with not seeing my Heavenly Angels until God calls me home. And that's ok. I can wait to see my Angels. They are having so much fun in Heaven and God is taking great care of them until I get there. But my Babies here need me. They have only 1 mom and that's me. And I'm proud to be there Mom. I am honored to be there Mom. I am blessed to be there Mom!

So anyways, again this probably doesn't make any sense. I just have allot on my mind, and not sure always how to spit it all out.

But I'm ok. I am sad and I'm grieving. But I AM OK!

God willing, good will come from my losses


Christi