Coping with a Due Date and No Baby

Well, Isaac due date is January 6, 2012. His due date is also our 11th Anniversary. It is so hard to know the "due date" is coming and no baby to show for it. I still wonder why God would allow our Son's Due Date to be our Anniversary. Why would he allow that day to have such a sad reminder?

We would have taken Isaac by c-section on December 28, 2011. I picked that day because, Aaron is the 26th of his birth month and Samuel is the 30th of his birth month. I liked having the day in the middle. But we never got there. But it still hurts to know that our Isaac should be here in 11 days. That I would be holding him in 11 days. I'm not sure how I will do that day. Will I be ok, or will I cry all day?

With Christmas just around the corner, I want to just hide from it all. But I can't. I have 5 precious children that want and need their Momma. They deserve to have a wonderful Christmas. So I keep going. I have done all my shopping and most of the wrapping. I'm excited to see their faces on Christmas Morning. They won't get allot and won't be anything big. But their grateful to get something.

I never realized how hard it is to hear Christmas Music after you lost a baby(ies). Hearing about Baby Jesus and knowing that your babies are not with you. It is hard. But I'm grateful to know that my babies are dancing with Jesus right now!! They get to spend their 1st Christmas with God and Jesus. How amazing is that??!! But I still miss my babies.

I still want to run away when I see pregnant mommas. More now than before. Because it just makes me think, "I should be big and pregnant right now". It makes my heart hurt. But I know that God is still holding me. I couldn't do it without God. And I always wonder how other Mommas do it, if they don't know God. What do they hold onto? What do they put their Faith in? Where do they think their baby is? How do they cope without knowing the truth?

I'm grateful for the promise that God will never leave me or forsake me during my time of sadness and grieving. He will always be there for me. He lets me be mad, sad, and hurt. He waits with me until I can cope. He doesn't grow tired of my sadness or pain. He doesn't tell me to move on and get over it. He understands my pain. He feels my pain.

So as our 1st Christmas passing without our Isaac and Sweet Pea, I'm learning how to cope and heal. It is definally a learning process. But with God, I can do it!

Christi