Well, I just realized that I have updated my blog in a while.
I went to the Doctor for a normal OB appointment on July 18th, we were going to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. So I went to the waiting room, and waited for the doctor to come in. I had not a care in the world. I hadn't been spotting or having discharge for almost 3 weeks. I knew the baby was fine. So when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, I wasn't worried.
He took me back to do an u/s to see the baby and make sure everything was fine. The u/s lady (Karen) was not there that day. So I had to wait for the nurse and doctor to plug in the u/s. So when everything was ready. He started the u/s. We found the baby right away. I was 15 weeks and 3 days at that point. What we didn't find was a heartbeat, our sweet baby wasn't moving. The doctor looked for what seemed to be like hours for a heartbeat, but probably was like 3 or 4 minutes. He said "Christine, I don't know what to tell you. I can't find a heartbeat." He was telling me that our sweet Peanut had passed away. We had in fact miscarried. He sent me upstairs for a 2nd opinion. While I waited for the paperwork to be sent upstairs. I called my hubby who was working from home that day. I had to tell him that his sweet child had passed away. He seemed so together at 1st. I wasn't sure he was processing what I was saying. I got off the phone and waited for them to send me upstairs. He called me again and was in tears this time. He asked weren't you half way done, I said just about yes. Then how could this happen. I said I don't know. All I knew at that point and all I know now, is that was God's Will.
For whatever reason, God took our Sweet Baby so early. I walked upstairs all numb and in shock. My baby was still inside me but was dead. How could this happen is all I was thinking. I thought everything was getting better. I had no more spotting and no discharge. When I got upstairs, I handed them my paperwork and sat down. I was crying (I was keeping it together though. I just had the small tears, not the ugly tears yet.) I was talking to my hubby again and asked him to get on his knees and pray for a miracle. I asked the women at the front desk for a private room. I needed to pray and I could tell I was making the other people in the waiting room uncomfortable. After about a few minutes, they got me a room. I got on my knees and prayed that God would let us find a heartbeat. I prayed that God would let my baby live. They called me back into the next room for the level 2 u/s. Only to find out that indeed our sweet Peanut had passed away. That doctor said this didn't just happen. That our Sweet Peanut had been gone for about 3 - 7 days. He couldn't find any reason from the u/s for why our baby died. He asked me lots of questions, but none that I can remember. He told me not to blame myself, that these things just happen. I remember telling him and anyone that day that would listen. That I would be ok. That this was God's Will and God will get me through this. My baby is in Heaven and he is perfect. I do believe that something had to have been wrong with our Sweet Peanut and God took him home early so he wouldn't suffer.
My hubby asked if I wanted him to come up there, I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together and I knew the moment that I saw him I was going to lose it. The nurses kept asking me if I was here alone. When I would say "yes", they would ask me if I wanted them to call someone. I said "no", I'm ok. I just need to get through this and go home.
I went back to my normal OB. He said he was going to put some stuff in my cervix to help it dilate so that they could get the baby out. We scheduled a D&C for Friday. He had wanted me to come in every day to add more stuff. But since I live over an hour away. We agreed on Monday and Wednesday instead. So that Monday I got my 1st round of this crap. It hurt so bad and made me cramp. So not only was I in shock that my sweet baby had passed away, now I was in complete pain.
I had to do a few errands to do after that, so they gave me 4 Advil's to kill the pain a little. I had to run to target for some bins. I had a diaper coupon as well. But I didn't need that anymore. I also needed to go to Albertson for some hamburger meat. It was only on sale for 1 more day. And I know I wasn't going to be getting out the next day. So I walked through the stores all numb and totally in shock. But I got it done. My next stop was home. My hubby was waiting for me. I lost it as soon as I was in his arms. I just cried like a baby. We both did. I explained to him everything that happened, what the doctors had said, and what their plan was to get the baby out on Friday. We talked about what to tell the kids when we told them.
So we sat the kids (4 of the 5. One was at camp) down on the couch. We told them the baby in mommy's tummy had passed away and went to Heaven. The poor things looked like someone had just scared them. They just sat there and said not a whole lot. I know some had questions, but I can't remember what they were. I know they were sad and didn't really understand.
That night I just sat next to hubby and cried. He held me and cried too. We were in shock and so sad. We just couldn't understand why this happened. When everything was getting better, and then to find out our sweet peanut had passed away. But we now that God has a perfect plan and he has a reason for taking our Baby so early. In those early days, I would sit there and think of reasons why God had taken our baby so early. Anything to make my heart not hurt so bad.
We had sent out a quick email to our LG to let them know what had happened and that we needed prayer. One of the couples in our LG had lost 2 precious girls at birth, had called me and talked to me that night and emailed me allot afterwards. She still does. We hadn't told many people, just too hard at 1st. Through this though, I did find out that 3 other couples in our LG also experienced a MC, so I was not alone.
I had to go back in on Wednesday, to have more stuff put in my cervix. Thankfully they got me in right away, so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room. It was nice and quiet. They came in and started to add more stuff to dilate my cervix. It hurt so bad, and they ended up using the u/s to help them put them in.
I was sent to do blood work for my D&C on Friday. The ladies that did the pre-opt paperwork were so uncaring. They didn't ask why I was crying nor did they seem to even care. Now the ladies that took my blood and got all my information for Friday, were just the opposite. They were so nice and told me to take my time. They gave me comfort at a time I was needing it.
I had been asking people to pray for my body to go into labor, so that I wouldn't have to have the D&C. I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me like that. I wouldn't be able to see my sweet baby nor would I be able to find out what my baby is. The couldn't tell from the u/s. I knew that I wouldn't do well with all of this, if we had to go through with the D&C. I wanted my baby to be whole and I didn't want my baby to hurt.
So then I was sent home to wait until Friday morning. I remember asking God, that if he was going to let this baby come out on it's own. It needed to happen soon. My time was running out. Other than that, I don't remember much about that day. I remember Thursday though. That morning my hubby had to be up early for his last day of training. I remember waking up around 5am not being able to sleep well and having to go potty allot. I had to go #1 but had to keep going #2 allot. I look back now realizing my body was trying to clean itself out. My body was cramping again. It was lower abs and in my lower back. I figured it was from the stuff they put in my cervix. That's was it felt like. So for the rest of the morning that is what I dealt with. I couldn't sleep and I was in pain. Now remember, all my babies were c-sections, and I had never gone into labor with any of them.
So by about 9am, I knew I was in labor. I had called my doctor and they said they wanted to see me within 2 hours. My problem was that my hubby was in class until noon, and I couldn't drive myself. My mom doesn't feel comfortable driving our van and I didn't want the kids to see what was going to happen. So I called my friend, Karen, to see if she could come and take me to the hospital. She has 2 kids and didn't live far away. That was around 9:45am. So I called my hubby and told him to meet us at the hospital (it is over an hour drive from our house). So I jumped in the shower while I waited for my friend to get here. By then the contractions were coming like every 2 - 3 minutes. So she got to my house around 11:15 or so. And we got in my mom's car. Just in case I had the baby or started bleeding really bad. I didn't want to do it in her car. But the time we got off my road, my contractions were coming every minute and lasting 30 - 45 seconds. I thought I was going to die.
It took a little over an hour and we finally got to the hospital. She took me to the ER (Hubby told her too, since I was in took much pain). She went inside to get a wheelchair and to tell the nurses what was going on. It was so hard, because they asked me how far along I was and how long I was in labor. They had no idea that my baby had passed away and that I was in labor about to deliver my sweet angel with no heartbeat. They wheeled me inside and asked me some more questions. One that ticked me off, was how I knew my baby was died. They asked if I had a u/s to confirm my baby was gone. I said yes, 2 of them on Monday. I told them I was scheduled for a D&C on Friday, but I had gone into labor early. And I was in too much pain to go to my doctor 1st. So they finally got me room. My hubby was there about 10 minute later. That was around 12:15 or so. They got me an IV and some pain medicine. They did that about 5 times. Each time it lasted like 15 minutes maybe and would only take the edge off.
I couldn't believe all the blood I was bleeding. I think my little water broke around 12:45 and I deliver our Sweet Angel around 1pm. The ER doctor couldn't tell if our Baby was a Boy or Girl. But when my doctor came in and looked. He said our Sweet Peanut is a BOY!!! So we have another boy, Isaac Nathaniel. My body was too tired to keep pushing the placenta out, so they did the D&C to get it out.
They let me go home that night. I left the hospital without our Baby. That is the worst feeling ever. Walking in with a baby and leaving without your baby. So we went home and we cried more. Hubby got to work from home the next day thankfully. But he had to go out of town on Sunday - Wednesday. That was a very long. sad, and lonely 4 days. If I had to do it over again, I would have told him not to go.
I had to ask for space from anyone I knew that was pregnant. I needed time to heal. It makes it that much harder to have that reminder of what you've lost and what you will never experience with that baby you've lost. For me then and I still do now, I pray for those of my friends that are pregnant. That they will never experience the pain of losing a baby. They will never know how hard it is to be around women that are pregnant or newborn babies. It is a pain that no one can ever understand that hasn't been through it. I don't care how many friends you've had lose a baby at whatever point, it is not the same. Unless you have lost a baby, you will never know.
I know it is hard to be asked not to call right now, and that I need space, I've been there. Grieving Mom's are not doing it to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like a bad person. We are doing what we need to do to heal and not feel resentment towards those women that are pregnant. To be reminded every day of what we will not experience is so hard and makes healing unbearable. We need to do what will make ourselves heal and not hurt everyday. So if that means asking people not to call until we are ready. We don't do this to cause anyone pain. We do it to cause us less pain.
Because of what has happened to me, I pray that it will cause people on the other side of my loss to be more grateful for what they have. If you have never had to experience the loss of losing a baby at any point, be grateful. If you have all of your children. If you have brought all of your children home. If you haven't had to bury your baby. Stop saying poor me, and think of how hard this much be for that person.
I have gotten to know a fellow twin mom better because of my MC. She lost one of her sweet twins at 5 months. She is still grieving and it's been over 3 years. We have been able to talk and know are not alone.
Also, I wish I could write a book about what to do if you have a friend that has a MC, stillborn, or baby loss. Not everyone wants phone calls, some need space. They are grieving and don't want to talk to people right now. But send cards!!! Even if you just write: I'm sorry for your loss and I'm praying for your family. Even just something that simple means so much. It's better than saying nothing. The momma needs to know people are praying and thinking of the sweet baby they lost. The cards are also something they can put in a keepsake for the baby. DON'T ASK THE MOMMA AT ANY POINT "HOW THEY ARE DOING!!!!" That just makes them cry. Don't tell them you look good for losing a baby. Oh my gosh. How can anyone look good for losing a baby. Yes, I had someone tell me that. Be careful, when sending them invitations to baby showers. If you don't know the person very well, don't send an invitation for at least 6 months after a Miscarriage, and I would say a year for stillborn or baby loss.
In some ways, I wish I knew someone that had a baby, so I could hold the baby. But in some ways I'm glad I don't. I break down when I see a pregnant momma anywhere. Whether I know her or not. I break down when I see a baby too. I want to ask the momma if I can hold their baby. But I don't, because they'll think I'm crazy.
I work in the nursery at church and haven't been back since we lost Isaac. I wanted to go back this weekend. But I got sick. So hopefully next weekend. I miss my babies, but I know this will be hard. But I figured I start with baby steps. Work with the babies for both hours or a few weeks. And then when I'm ready I'll go to LG. I start to have panic attacks if I'm around too many people that know what happened. So I need to start slow.
I want to Thank my new friend, Stacy, for talking about her MC and her Sweet son, Isaac, that passed away after birth. She wrote a post about a MC she had before she got pregnant this year. Because of that I wrote her an email after we lost Isaac. I wanted and needed to surround myself around other MC momma's. She sent me 2 books that I have found to be very helpful. She is a very sweet and Godly women. She is pregnant and due right around the same time I was with our Isaac. But it's not as painful to talk to her even with her being pregnant. Because she's been where I am. She's experience more grieve than I have. I think of her often. I found out today when I read her blog, that she is expecting another BOY!! I'm so happy for her.
God put people in our lives for a reason. I truly believe that!! I have a few close friends, that have been through something similar to what I've gone through, and they are really the only ones I talk to right now. Because they understand how I'm feeling. They aren't going to feel like I'm causing them pain by asking for space or time to just heal. They get it like no one else can.
I have been telling myself since the 1st day we found out Isaac had passed, that God has a plan. Sometimes we have our babies for a long long time, and sometimes for a few short weeks. We don't get to pick. Our Isaac is perfect and whole in Heaven. He is right where he belongs.
I know that from this process that I will never be the same. Stupid, pointless things, are no longer going to make me worry. I will never take a day with my kids for granted! And if one pregnant momma tells me she is sick of being pregnant or wishes this baby would stop doing "fill in the blank". I will slap them! Until you have experienced a loss, you will never know the pain.
So part of me asking for space is for me and my healing and what I need. And part of it is for them, so I don't want to slap them every time some stupid hurtful comment about being tired of being pregnant or being up all night with a crying baby. I would give almost anything to be pregnant with Isaac. I would love to be able to be up all night nursing and holding a crying baby. Nothing but God's Grace will heal my pain and my loss.
So just remember if your asked to give a grieving momma space. It is NOT about you! It is about what that momma needs to heal and grieve. Don't take it personal or think poor me. Just be patience and pray for the family. When they are ready to talk again, they'll let you know.
So that is my story I guess. I needed to get it out. I need to greive and I need to let the pain out.
Christi
No comments:
Post a Comment