October 25, 2011

Grieving Baby Sweet Pea


FYI- This post has some TMI and is very sad. Just forewarning you.

We found out yesterday that I was 7 weeks and 1 day along with Baby #7. But we also found out that we had lost baby #7. I starting spotting that morning before Aaron went to work. I asked him to stay home and we could go in together sometime that morning. I had been having discharge like I had with Isaac, for about 1 1/2 weeks at this point. But never had any blood. I had made my 1st appointment for November 7th, and really didn't want to go into the doctor before that. So I was holding onto my Faith that despite the discharge that this baby was doing good. That is until I had the spotting. So I called the doctors office as soon as they opened at 9am. They told me to come in right away.

So I went straight to our room to tell Hubby who was on a conference call for work we needed to go. I got down on my knees and prayed, cried, and asked God to let us keep this baby and to let this baby live. Then I got up and got dressed and we left. We got to the doctor's office around 10:45 or so. They called us straight back, and started the sonogram. Much to my surprise I was 7 weeks and 1 day along. I didn't think I was quite 6 weeks yet. But after the women was quiet for the 1st 3 or 5 minutes. I knew something was wrong. She said "it doesn't look good". There was no heartbeat. We figure because I was still having pregnancy symptoms that the baby had just died.

My heart is so broken right now. I declined the D&C, because I have already had 3 of them. I didn't want anymore scar tissue from them. So we were told what to expect and told to call the office if we had questions or had any signs that things were not going good.

So we left the office and I just cried and cried. I just kept asking why us again. Why is this happening to us again. I just didn't and don't and probably never will understand why God allowed us to lose another baby.

So today (Tuesday) I started to have more bleeding and knew we would be passing our baby soon. Around 4pm I felt the 1st gush of blood, and then 2 more followed. I told my mom, I would be in the tub and that I had a phone to call her with if I needed help. She stayed out in the living room with the kids, and helped them with the homework.

I called Aaron and told him I believe it was starting. Thankfully he was working at his mom's house about 5 minutes away. So I filled the tub up with a little water and just sat and waited. It didn't take long and thankfully no cramps and I passed our Sweet Angel. I called the OB's office to just confirm what I was seeing was the baby. And they confirmed it was. So I sat there a while longer to see if anything else would happen. I had some more blood but that was about it.

I got out and took a shower and just tried to cope with what just happened. I was relieved it happened quickly and without allot of pain. I am still having some bleeding, clots, and mild cramps, but that is all normal. I'm praying that everything I needed to pass, has passed and the bleeding will stop quickly.

I did tell God that I was grateful to know that this was coming. I couldn't imagine if I hadn't been told yesterday that our Sweet Angel had passed. And then having all this happen today. I would have completely lost it.

So now we wait and pray and ask God where to go from here. The doctor is wanting to do some blood work to see if they can find out why we keep losing babies. And I know I will never know why this has happened twice until I get to Heaven.

But I am grateful for a God that doesn't leave me to go through this alone. He is right there with me and my Husband. And it kills both of us to have to tell our kids that we lost another baby. They didn't know we were pregnant and most people didn't. They took it pretty well. So that is good. I'm still trying to cope and process what has happened.

I am still at a loss at the fact that we have lost 2 babies in less than 14 weeks. It all just sucks!! But I know God is still God and he has a plan. Just wish I could know what that plan is.

So anyways, that is where I am right now. I am broken, sad, and so lost as to why this has happened again. But just as with Isaac, we will go through the grieving process and will get through this loss as well. I am grateful for my friends and family that are here to support me and listen to me.

Christi