Does it Ever Become Real?

I have asked myself many times this Question: Will it ever become real that I have lost 2 babies? Sometime I have to make myself see reality as it is. That in fact I have lost not 1 but 2 babies. And we lost them in less than 14 weeks of each other. I wonder if that is one of the reason's it doesn't always seem real. Because it happened so safe and so close. We were pregnant and then next we lost the baby, we were pregnant and then again we lost the baby. It is just hard to come to terms with that. That I have not 1 but 2 babies waiting for me in Heaven.

We know that our 1st loss is a Boy, his name is Isaac. We lost him at 14 1/2 - 15 weeks. Our 2nd loss is a bit harder. We lost this baby at 7 weeks, so we will not now for sure what this baby is until we get to Heaven. In my heart, I want to believe our baby is a Boy. Because if we lost a girl, my heart would be torn so much more. To know that we lost maybe the only chance of giving our daughter a sister would kill me. So I tell myself we lost another boy. It kills me when one of the kids ask if Sweet Pea was a girl or when they say, Sweet Pea is a girl. It makes me mad. Because I have always wanted another little girl.

So I guess, in time it will become more real. But probably for a long time. I wonder if I am the only one that feels like this. I wonder too if we will ever have another baby. Or if God's Will for us, is to be done.

Christi