Aunt Flow

Well, we have made it 2 cycles after Sweet Pea so far without getting pregnant yet. And I'm ok with that. I would truly like to wait until my 3rd cycle until we got pregnant again. I just want my body to rest and heal. I wish I had done that in between Isaac and Sweet Pea. I wonder if I had if we wouldn't have lost our 2nd baby. But I will never know.

But I tell you what, Aunt Flow comes back with a fight after a miscarriage. With my 1st loss, we only had 1 cycle before we got pregnant, so I never got to really heal. But now that we have had 2 cycles, my body is flushing everything out. My 1st cycle was light and only last 4 to 6 days. This month has been bad. I'm going on day 7 and still bleeding. Not a ton, but still bleeding from time to time. Apparently my body is telling me I need to just let it heal and do it's thing.

I wonder if come February when we should be safe to get pregnant again, if it will happen. Will God bless us again? Or will God make us wait, if he blesses us at all again? But I am having to tell myself over and over again, that God will probably never come out and tell me "yes or no". It will be a faith thing. I have to have Faith that God's Will for our life is better than my will. So I will have to trust God to have control over whether or not we will ever conceive again. And part of that is hard. Because I am a CONTROL FREAK and I want to know everything about my life. But God is teaching me through the losses of Isaac and Sweet Pea, that I don't need to know everything and that is ok.

So as each month passes and Aunt Flow comes, I will be sad, but I will remind myself. God is in control and His Will is perfect. I just pray that Aunt Flow will slow down and not come so heavy and for so long.

What I do love about not needing to be in control this time around is. That I can make love to my husband when I want and only when we want. We will not stress about having to make love every other day or on a schedule just to make a baby. We know it's not up to us anymore. It's in God's Hands. So if we're meant to get pregnant, it will happen when we decide to make love and not because of a man made schedule. It will happen because of the love that is pure between us and not because of desire to be in control.

I love my husband! I love my God more! I want and need God's Will for my life above my own! I am learning that now and it is a hard lesson to learn. And losing 2 babies is not the easier way to learn it, but it is the way God used to get through to me.

I am blessed to have a God that loves me despite my sin. I am blessed to have a God that wants me so much to lean on him when I can't do it alone. I'm blessed and don't deserve to have a God that gave his One and Only Son to die for me. So that I would no longer be set apart from God, but that I would be washed clean and forgiven. Without Christ and Christmas, I would still be lost and a Sinner. But because God blessed Mary, the Virgin Mother, to conceive Jesus. And to have her give birth in a Manger on Christmas, I am saved and forgiven.

So this Christmas, as I grieve and mourn the losses of Isaac and Sweet Pea. I will rejoice in knowing that my babies will be spending their 1st Christmas with Jesus. They will get to celebrate this Wonderful time of Year with the One Christmas is all about!!

Christi