About Me

I am a wife of 12 years to my hubby. I am a mother of 7 blessings. I have 5 boys...yes 5 boys and one girl, and 1 baby we lost to early to know. My youngest 2 children are in Heaven. We found out at 15 1/2 weeks that our Sweet Son, Isaac had passed. He had no heartbeat and had went to be with the Lord. We found out at 7 weeks that we lost Baby Sweet Pea due to no heartbeat as well. Both losses within 14 weeks of each other. I pray everyday to try and be the Godly wife and mother I know God planned for me to be. I am still a work in progress.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Once again.. not my month

Well, once again this isn't our month.  We won't be telling the world we're having a baby.  I won't see my belly growing.  I won't have the pee test show me 2 lines.   Once again, Aunt Flow has made her way into my life

I was expecting her last week.  I had the cramping and the emotional tears leading up to my monthly visitor.  And I expected to see her Friday.  But she didn't come.  I kept telling myself, don't get excited, you know she can come later and it's not un-normal.  So I kept waiting, and when I would like myself to go the thought I might be pregnant.  I would pray.  I would tell God I am trusting you.   I trust your Will above my own.  I kept repeating, I will love you no matter what happens.

So Friday passed, the weekend pasted, and I started to think maybe.  But I refuse to take a test until I was 40 days past my last period.  So Tuesday came and went, and I continued to pray.  Then Wednesday (this morning), I wiped and saw the spotting.  My heart stopped for a second.  Wiped again, and another spot.  So I knew what I was hoping not to come this month was coming.

I was in fact NOT pregnant.  I do not have a baby growing inside me.  I can't tell my husband, we're having another baby.  I can't look at my kids and tell them their prayers have been answered.  I get to go through another 7 - 10 days of Aunt Flow.  I go back to wondering if my body is even working.  Am I even ovulating?  I know I can go see my OB.  But I can't bring myself to walk into his office.  After losing 2 babies, walking into an office where you found out they both had died, is not the place you want to go back to.

So here I am.  Not sure what to do.  There are some homeopath things I can try.  And I might try them again.  They won't help me get pregnant, but they can help me start ovulating.  And maybe if I can ovulate, I might be able to get pregnant.  But again, it all goes back to what God wants.  If He wants me to get pregnant, it will happen.  But if it's not His Will it will never happen, no matter what I do or try.

But each month, I do get a little sad when Aunt Flow comes.  It doesn't help when everyone around you seems to be pregnant.  Makes me to just hide out for a while.  But I will continue to trust God and lean on Him when my heart hurts and my dreams don't come out the way I wish them to be.


10 Ways to Help Those Who Grieve

I am borrowing this from the same blog as the previous post.  So click here if you want to check out her blog.



10 Ways to Help Those Who Grieve

When a family has gone through a loss, whether it be the loss of a child, pet, parent, friend, co-worker or relative, people want to know how they can help. Here are a few practical ways you can get involved.

1. Give Them Space
Often, when one is left raw and hurting from loss, they need space to re-group and heal before entering back in to society. Knowing when to back off is a good skill to develop.

2. Be Understanding
Those who are grieving will have mood swings, being hermit-like one day and needing company the next. Be patient with the person and do not show any frustration with their seemingly unpredictable needs. Be flexible and go with the flow.

3. Don't Be Shocked
Oftentimes, a hurting person will say things they don't mean. If your friend or loved one drops a cuss word or two, don't panic. They are trying to process their thoughts and may only know how to express themselves through the crudest of language.

4. Clean Something
Mop the floors. Clean out the refrigerator. Fold the laundry. Do something practical. They may not ever notice what you did, but it will help. Trust me. Also, don't pepper them with questions on where things are or how they like things done. Use common sense. If the person asks you to do something or use something different, comply without an argument.

5. Talk/Listen
Those who have faced loss want to talk about their loved one. Ask them what dad's favorite TV show was, their plans they had for their baby, where Spot liked to go on a walk. There is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares about their loved one. Keep the memory alive and help find healing in meaningful conversation.

6. Send a Text
When our son passed away, a very dear friend took it upon herself to text me a verse from the Bible every morning. They were the first thing I read upon waking. I don't know how I would have gotten through the first month without those texts. If you or your friend/loved one is not religious, text them positive thoughts or kind words. They will be a healing balm.

7. Send Snail Mail
In a day where so much communication is done electronically, snail mail is a treat. Send those cards and notes as often as you can. Getting something in the mail may be their only bright spot in the day.

8. Bring Food
Food is very helpful in the days following a loss. Often, families are flooded with food at the very beginning, but within a few weeks they are back to trying to cook for themselves. Ask them about meals. If they have plenty of food, wait a few weeks or even a month before bringing a meal. Be sensitive about any food allergies or diet restrictions. Restaurant gift cards are also a nice idea. They don't have to cook (neither do you!) and they are able to get out of the house for a little while.

9. Take them Out
If your friend or loved one is starting to tread the dangerous waters of deep depression, becomes suicidal or refuses to see or talk to anyone for days on end, take them out. Get them out of the house, even if it's only for a ride to the other side of town and back. They may be upset with you at first, but they will thank you later.

10. Cry
Cry with those who have lost. Let them know that you, too are sad, that you hurt when they hurt, that you hurt because they hurt.

10 Things NOT to Say to a Grieving Parent

I am borrowing this from another blog that I read.  I asked permission to use it before I am posting it here.  She asked that I link this post back to her blog, and I was already going to do that.  So click here if you want to check out her blog. 

10 Things Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

Last week I posted a list of 10 things a person could do to help in a time of great loss. This week I am going to highlight a few things people should not say. I do understand that in a time of loss people feel like they are at a loss for words and want to make the person going through the grief feel better, but sometimes words can do more harm than good. A good rule of thumb to remember is that when you don't know what to say, it is probably best to remain silent. No words are better than potentially hurtful words.

1. "They are better off where they are."
True, but it does not ease the pain of knowing you no longer have your child in your arms.

2. "God wanted another flower in his garden."
My child is not some tulip sitting in a plot of dirt up in heaven. This phrase which is meant to comfort has no meaning whatsoever.

3. "It will be ok."
Yes, someday it will be ok, but not now. Don't try to comfort fresh grief with this phrase. It is like putting a Band-Aid® on an amputation.

4. "You're young, you can have more kids."
Not necessarily. Parents who just lost a child don't want imaginary future children, they want their baby, their precious baby who is no longer here. Also, it is not kind to give them false hope.

5. "Maybe you should have built up the immune system."
This is probably one of the most hurtful, for it insinuates that losing the child was somehow the parents fault, that if they had given them this and avoided that the child would still be here.

6. "I know how you feel."
This one is tricky. If you have lost a child, then yes, you can sympathize. If, however, you have not suffered any losses then you can not possibly understand how a grieving parent feels. Losing a child is a different kind of grief than losing a parent, sibling, friend, or relative. If you have gone through one of those losses, then you certainly can sympathize and help them through the stages of grief. Just be sensitive to the fact that there is a difference. The grief of losing another loved one is not less than losing a child, just different. Also, be prepared for the parent to lash out and say you can't possibly understand because you have not gone through what they are going through. Don't get angry or your feelings hurt, just understand that raw grief says things that a healed person might not say. See item number three on last weeks list, "don't be shocked."

7. "It's time to move on."
Never, and I repeat, never dictate to a parent when they should move on. Let them move at their own pace.

8. "Well, I guess God just wanted him/her more."
In our heart of hearts, we know that God loves our children even more than we do, but we love our children very much and when we are forced to give them up it is hard to see that.

9. "It's too bad you will never see them '_______'"
Yes, we know it's too bad. We don't need you to tell us how bad it is. Someday, when we are ready, we want to talk about the things our child could have or would have done, but not now. Not at the funeral.

10. "You have other children."
If the parents do have other children, those children will become even more dear to them, but they will never, I repeat, never take away the pain of someone missing, someone who won't be in any more family photos, who won't sit at the dinner table. Never try to replace the child with one of the siblings. They won't take his or her place, and we don't want them too.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I Will Wait on the Lord..

I am waiting, I am waiting on you, and I am hopeful. I am waiting on you Lord even though it is painful. But patiently I will wait. While I am waiting, I will serve you. While I am waiting I will worship. I will not grow faint while I wait on you oh Lord. I will trust you and love you no matter what. I am waiting and I am painful. I am waiting, though it isn't easy, I will wait.

I am chosing to wait on the Lord.  This is something I have to remind myself every day.  It is not something at this point that will just happen.  I need God each and every day to lead me and guide me.

I can do nothing without God!  I love my God no matter what!


Saturday, January 19, 2013

I will.....

I will LOVE God even if I never have a rainbow baby. I will LOVE God even if I never get pregnant again. I will LOVE God even if I never feel another baby move inside me again. I will LOVE God no matter what doors He opens and what doors He closes. My love for God isn't based on my situation. It based on the fact that God loved me 1st and when I was still a sinner. He sent His son to die for me. I don't deserve His love or forgiveness. But I will praise Him through the good times and bad times. I will praise God even when my hearts desires aren't answered. At the end of the day, I want all that God has planned for me and not what I think I need.

Happy Birthday

Nine years ago today I experienced the worst c-section I have ever been through.  I was carrying twin boys and I couldn't go any longer.  I hurt so much and I know but didn't know then, that I had carpal tunnel in my fingers up to my elbows.   I couldn't move them or even change my son's diaper.  So at 37 weeks and 5 days we scheduled their c-section.

Well, I was in the L&D and just wanting for them to get ready.  They were told that someone was going to be going into the OR and they didn't want to wait any longer.  So they did my epidural and sent me to the OR.   Thing was I wasn't numb all the way.  When they started to cut me open, I started to feel it on my right side.  And it hurt.  It hurt worse than any other pain I have ever been through.  They couldn't believe at 1st that I was feeling it, and finally they knocked me out to finish delivering my sons.  They sent my husband out, which I didn't know until after I woke up.

I think I was out for over an hour or so before I woke up throwing up.  That is the 1st thing I remember, wonderful isn't it.  I hurt so much.  And I would hurt for over a month later.  It would burn so much I had to stop and just bend and kneel down.   When I finally was out of the fog, they told me the babies were fine and going good.  I had 1 strawberry blond headed baby and 1 darker brown headed baby.  Both were indeed boys.  They finally brought me by twins and I got to nurse and hold them for the 1st time.  I didn't nurse my oldest (another story), so this was my 1st time.  It took us about a 3 weeks to get the hang of it.  But I loved it.  I loved being able to feed my babies.

I remember just looking at them and thinking I have 2 babies.  I carried 2 babies.  And that God had a sense of humor.  They looked so peaceful and so beautiful.  The peace didn't last long, but thankfully for them and me they stayed cute.  Their 1st year or two wasn't easy.  They cried allot and didn't sleep good all the time.  I also had a not quite 19 month old when I had my twins.  I had little to no help during the day when my husband and mom were at work.  I ended up having post parrdum depression which I didn't know until I had my daughter 25 months later.  I often wonder how it would have been if I had know and gotten help.

Fast forward 9 years and here I am today.  Still a mother of twins.  I can't imagine not having my twins.  I can't imagine not seeing their faces each morning and their hugs and kisses throughout the day.  They have never really acted like "twins" and until recently they didn't even understand how being a twins really meant.  I think that is because they don't remember ever being just them.  They always had a big brother so close in age that it was like they were always together.  So they just acted like 3 brothers and not 1 brother and a set of twins.  We started to separate them around age 2 at church and preschool.  It worked well for the most part, but I missed having them together. 

When they started kindergarten I asked about putting them together, but was told no.  I chose not to fight it in 1st grade either.  But I did push for it in 2nd and requested them to be put in the same class.  I also requested the same 2nd grade teacher my older son had.  I was able to get both requests.  They got the same teacher as my oldest had and they were together.  I was nervous at first, but the teacher put me as ease when she assured me everything would be fine.  And she was right.  They did great together.  And it was so much easier to have "1" teacher than 2.  They didn't bother each other, they were never place by the other.  They didn't seem to mind the other was in the same class.  They actually I think liked it better being together.  I liked it better too.  So they are now in 3rd grade and still together.  They again have the same teacher my oldest had for 3rd grade.  And they are again doing well.   I plan to continue to keep them together as long as they want to be together and they don't bother the other.

So Happy Birthday my Sweet Twins!!

Monday, December 17, 2012

What to tell your kids...

I asked on Facebook about what to tell our kids and if to tell them at all about what happened on Friday.  I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted them to know.  But after talking to my husband and people commenting.  We decided to tell them.  We wanted to be the ones to tell them and not kids on the bus, at recess, or at lunch.

So we sat the 4 older ones down (5th grade to 1st grader) and talked to them.  Our youngest (kindergartner) we left out of the conversation.  We just felt like he was too young.  We sat them down and asked what they knew about Friday.  Unfortunately one of them had seen a couple of minutes from a news program before we knew what was going on.  So he knew more. 

They said there was a bad man that came into a school and shot kids and teachers.  They asked some questions about where the school was, and why they person would hurt kids.  We asked them who protects them at school?  They said God.  And we said your right.  God was right there with those kids and teachers.  We told them how the teacher helped save so many of those children by hiding them.  We used that to tell them, to make sure to listen to your teachers.  If something like this ever happens. please do as your teacher tells you.  We only answered the questions they asked.  And as boys they asked about the guns and such.  We just tried to be brief and not go into a lot of details.

I know there was more to our conversation, but I am sick right now.  And my brain isn't working well.  But basically we talked about putting your faith in God and not to worry about what might happen.  We told them something like this could happen anywhere to anyone.  And you have to be aware of what is happening around you.  You see something or hear something that makes you scared, you hide or find a teacher.  You don't try to be the hero right now.

This is what I posted on FB today:

Even before Friday, I have Faith in God to protect my children at school. Does that mean that I believe God will never let anything happen to them? No. What it means is that, I trust God to take care of them according to His Will. I know that no matter what happens, God will be there with my children.

What happened Friday gave us the opportunity to talk to our kids about the fact that we are NOT promised tomorrow. But what He does promise is that He will never let us go through it alone. He will be there to comfort us, hold us, and in the end take us up to Heaven when he calls us home.

We continue to pray for those families. For what those little kids saw, heard, and felt. We pray for the teachers that survived, protected their children, and those that lost their lives protecting the children. We need to live each day for what it is, a gift! Each day we have with our children is a gift. So cherish them!

Do I worry about my kids at school?  Sometimes.  All the time no.  Why?  Because I feel like God will keep harm from my kids at all times?  No.  Because I know all to well, that God calls children home far too early.  I have lost 2 babies before I ever got to hold them.  So I know that God doesn't promise us any tomorrow with any of our kids to family.  But I refuse to live my life in fear.  And that's why I told our kids.  You can't live your life in fear.  None of us our promised anything, so live your life each day to the fullest.  Live each day doing what God has called you to do and be grateful for what you have.  But I will never sit and just allow myself to think about all the awful things that can happen.  I have Faith that God will protect my children.  Even if that means protecting them to the point of taking them back to Heaven with Him.  I pray that I will have a lifetime with them before that ever happens.

My heart and prayers go out to the Families of Newtown.  May God continue to comfort you, heal you, and hold you all!!