Once again.. not my month

Well, once again this isn't our month.  We won't be telling the world we're having a baby.  I won't see my belly growing.  I won't have the pee test show me 2 lines.   Once again, Aunt Flow has made her way into my life

I was expecting her last week.  I had the cramping and the emotional tears leading up to my monthly visitor.  And I expected to see her Friday.  But she didn't come.  I kept telling myself, don't get excited, you know she can come later and it's not un-normal.  So I kept waiting, and when I would like myself to go the thought I might be pregnant.  I would pray.  I would tell God I am trusting you.   I trust your Will above my own.  I kept repeating, I will love you no matter what happens.

So Friday passed, the weekend pasted, and I started to think maybe.  But I refuse to take a test until I was 40 days past my last period.  So Tuesday came and went, and I continued to pray.  Then Wednesday (this morning), I wiped and saw the spotting.  My heart stopped for a second.  Wiped again, and another spot.  So I knew what I was hoping not to come this month was coming.

I was in fact NOT pregnant.  I do not have a baby growing inside me.  I can't tell my husband, we're having another baby.  I can't look at my kids and tell them their prayers have been answered.  I get to go through another 7 - 10 days of Aunt Flow.  I go back to wondering if my body is even working.  Am I even ovulating?  I know I can go see my OB.  But I can't bring myself to walk into his office.  After losing 2 babies, walking into an office where you found out they both had died, is not the place you want to go back to.

So here I am.  Not sure what to do.  There are some homeopath things I can try.  And I might try them again.  They won't help me get pregnant, but they can help me start ovulating.  And maybe if I can ovulate, I might be able to get pregnant.  But again, it all goes back to what God wants.  If He wants me to get pregnant, it will happen.  But if it's not His Will it will never happen, no matter what I do or try.

But each month, I do get a little sad when Aunt Flow comes.  It doesn't help when everyone around you seems to be pregnant.  Makes me to just hide out for a while.  But I will continue to trust God and lean on Him when my heart hurts and my dreams don't come out the way I wish them to be.

Christi