A Hard Day

Well,  we made it through the "day" we would have taken Isaac if God hadn't taken him back too soon.  It was a good and hard day.  Tried to do my best to keep from thinking about what would have been, and what I would have been doing.  It was never meant to be.  That wasn't God's Plan or His Will for Isaac's life.

I didn't cry (which is amazing for me) until that night.  I saw a post on a blog that I've been reading for years.  She had her little boy on the same day, we would have had Isaac.  It was bitter sweet to read it.  Because she has had more pain and loss in her life than I have.  Her 1st pregnancy ended in a Miscarriage around 14 weeks.  She got pregnant with her Isaac, and found out at 18 weeks or so, he wouldn't survive after birth.  Isaac was born in March and lived for 16 minutes.  She then had a little girl and then another miscarriage around 6 weeks.  Then she and I got pregnant with my Isaac and her Jacob at about the same time.  But I lost Isaac at 15 1/2 weeks.

So she knows the pain I feel, she knows what it is like to watch people having babies when you have lost so much.  So I am so happy for her, and she deserves this joy in her life.  But I'm sad for me.  Because every time I see a "he's a month, or year" pictures, I'll think that could be "Isaac".  Or Isaac could be doing that and so much more.  So for now, I'm going to have to take a break from the blog.  Just to painful to see and read the updates.

So don't ever feel bad if you have to take a break from a friendship or whatever for a bit when your healing.  You need to do what will help you heal.  And if their really your friend, they'll understand and give you space.  And they'll be there for you when your ready to come back.  You'll find out who really isn't your friend quickly too.  When you need them, they'll never there.  They ignore you and don't ever have time for you.  It is sad, that sometimes it takes a tough and such a hard loss to find out the truth about your friendships.

So, now we're onto the "due date" of Isaac.  It will be the 6th of January.  It is also our 11th Wedding Anniversary.  So hubby and I are going to a hotel for the night and having some alone time.   It will give us time to just hold each other and bond.  I miss my babies and I know they are healthy and having so much fun in Heaven.  But that doesn't make me miss them any less.

Just remember to lean on God through your pain.  He is the most important part in your healing.  He wants to help you heal and grow.

Christi

Christmas

We had our Family Christmas yesterday with everyone.  It went as well as it could.

We did your family Christmas with us and the kids 1st.  They got lots of Lego's and puzzles.  Elizabeth got Polly Pockets, a barbie, my little ponies, and some stuff for her doll house.  They had fun opening presents and seeing some new toys.  My hubby got what he wanted, the Whole Collection of Star Wars.  I got what I wanted too.  I got 2 Charms that represent Isaac and Sweet Pea.  The Charm's are Heart Shaped and say "My Heart Remembers" and on the other side it say "Isaac 7-21-11" and the other one says "Sweet Pea 10-25-11".  I want to eventually get a Charm for my Oldest and younger 2 to add to a necklace.  I have a charm for my Twins with their names and b-day's on them.  But I need one for the other 3.  And then I want to get a necklace to put them all on.  That way I have something with all 7 babies on their.  It made me cry to see them, but because it made my heart happy.  I also got the entire collection of "I Love Lucy."

Then we spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon putting puzzles together, so that I could see what pieces we were missing from the ones we already had.  And then I numbered each puzzle with a number and then all the pieces with that same number.  So that if they get mixed up again, it will be allot easier to find the match.  The kids help (against their will.  They called me a "salve driver".  I just laughed and told them to finish the puzzle and start a new one.  Most were like 50 or 100 pieces, so nothing to big.

Then about 3ish My Hubby's mom, 2 sisters, and his mom's boyfriend came over.  Hubby was cooking the turkey, and I did sweet potatoes and veggies.  His mom did some pies.  Then about 3:30ish my Older Brother and his Wife came.  They brought her wonderful mashed potatoes, rolls, pumpkin pie, and a pecan pie.  And then my younger brother, his girlfriend, and her 2 boys came about 4:30ish or so.  We all ate dinner and had a good time.

We sat around and just talked after dinner and then opened more gifts.  Got some good stuff.  Everyone seem to like what they got.  My brother and his girlfriend had to leave early.  She lives like 2 hours away and still had to take my brother home.  So after they left, we watched "Cars 2" and then everyone else left.  The kids went to bed around 9pm.  They didn't get a nap that day, so they were all wiped out and slept good.

Aaron and I stayed up a for bit and just hung out and talked.  I did pretty good that day.  I was sad and missed my babies.  But I tried to distract myself from thinking about it too much.  I know Isaac and Sweet Pea were so excited to be spending their 1st Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.  And I know they were looking down on us too.  They wanted us to be Happy and not sad.  I believe they were helping us to be happy and I could feel them close to me.

I know as it gets closer to the 28th, the harder it will be for me.  But I know God is giving me strength and peace right now.  I told my Hubby that I have a new prayer I pray when I am out and about.  I pray this when I think I might see a pregnant women or a new baby.  I pray for God to protect my eyes and my heart.  That way, it won't hurt so much if I see them or that maybe God will help me not to see any.

So that is about it for now.  Just trying to get through each day with a smile and happiness in my heart for all that I have.

Christi

5 Years ago

I was thinking last night, about what I was thinking and doing 5 years ago.  And it made me realize that we found out on our 6th Wedding Anniversary we were expecting our 5th child.

We had our daughter in 2006.  I was nursing her and got my 1st period right before Thanksgiving.  So I was expecting it right before Christmas.  We were NOT trying for another baby just yet.  So we were of course using protection.  We made love once, the whole month.  We had a 9 month old, so we were lucky to make love once. 

So when it didn't come by Christmas, I got a little worried.  I didn't tell anyone (not even my Hubby) that is was late.  I started to think, getting my period the month before was a fluke.  And maybe I wasn't suppose to get it just yet.  So I was in complete denial.  I just kept on doing what I was doing and just trying to forget about my late period.

Finally, the night before our 6th Anniversary, my hubby was making dinner before he went out with the guys to play poker.  He told me "he wanted another baby, and he knew I wasn't ready."  I knew that was my last sign from God that I was indeed pregnant again.  I still didn't tell Hubby anything.

So hubby went out with the guys to play poker and didn't get home until late.  We got into a little argument about the fact that he stayed out so late and I wasn't happy.  So Hubby ended up sleeping on the couch.  I wasn't feeling so good, and I knew I had one last pregnancy test.  So I went into the bathroom and took the test.  Within about 15 seconds, the test came back positive.  I started crying and not sure what to think.  I went and got my Hubby and told him to go look in the bathroom.  He went in and came out.  He said, "so".  I'm sitting on the bed crying.  And I said "What are we going to do?"   He said "we're going to have a baby."

But I was so scared and freaked out.  I wasn't ready to have another baby just yet.  My oldest was 4 1/2, my twins were almost 3, and my baby girl was 10 months old.  We couldn't afford another baby just yet and I wasn't sure I could handle another baby.  But I knew that God was in control and God had a plan.  And if He wanted us to be pregnant, than we would be.

I also knew that I needed to keep telling God that I wanted this baby and Please don't take him/her back, just because I was scared and not quite ready for him/her.  I worked for a family that lost a baby.  I truly felt like she lost the baby because she didn't want the baby.  She would tell everyone that told her Congratulation's that she didn't want the baby.  She lost the baby around 16 weeks because of placenta previa.  So I didn't want that to happen to me.  I wanted my baby, I just needed time to come to terms with everything going on.

Fast forward 9 months, in August 2007, we welcomed our 5th child (4th son) into the world.  He is a true blessing and I am blessed to be his MOM!!  He was the bast baby I had and was such a good sleeper.  He was usually always happy and smiling.  I am grateful for the gift of my Samuel.

So now 5 yeas later.  I was "due" with our 6th baby on our 11th Anniversary.  With a baby I wanted so very much!  I had been praying for him for 2 1/2 years.  I was so excited to have a "missed period" and to finally have a positive pregnancy test.  I was shaking and crying when I saw that test come out positive.  It was right before Mother's Day.  I remember it was a Thursday and before the kids got out of school.  My hubby was home that day, and I showed him the test.  He didn't know what to think at that point.  He was shocked and unsure what to think.  After a few days, he was excited and I was over the moon.

I had blood work done and was told we were about 3 weeks along.  I would come into the office in about 1 1/2 weeks and have our 1st sonogram.  I was 5 weeks and 3 days when we 1st saw our baby.  It was on a Monday.  We saw his heartbeat and just cried.  We were told we were "due" on January 6, 2012.  We looked at each other, and said that's our Anniversary.  We knew we'd take the baby before the end of the year, hubby wanted the "tax credit" for this year.  So we left the office with a picture of our "Peanut."

The next night (Tuesday), I went to the potty and wiped and saw blood.  I freaked out and I started crying.  I started praying and asking God to not take my baby.  Please let this baby be ok.  So I grabbed my phone (my hubby was on the phone with his dad.  He had just told him we were expecting #6.) so I could call my doctor.  He said to just lay down and rest and call him in the morning.  I knew and he knew, if I was having a miscarriage their is nothing anyone could do.  I told my Hubby that I was bleeding and I was so scared.

I didn't sleep well and I couldn't stop thinking about my "Peanut".  We had just told the kids the day before we were expecting too.  How was I going to tell them "we lost the baby"?  I called the doctor as soon as they opened.  They asked me to come in around 11:30.  So I dropped off the younger 2 at my Mother in Law's House and went to get my mom.  She went with me to the appointment. 

We got to the office and sat and waited to be called back.  The sonogram lady called me back and started the vaginal sonogram.  She didn't show me anything for what seemed  like hours.  But was maybe like 5 minutes.  She finally told me, she saw the heartbeat and the baby looked fine.  She told me to stay on bedrest until I went 7 days with no bleeding, spotting, and/or discharge.  You know how fun and not easy that is with 5 kids??  But I did the best I could and had the best Hubby and Mom in the world to help!!

I had several appointment between that day and the day we found out we Lost Isaac.  Each appointment he would look bigger and stronger.  But then for whatever reason, our Son was gone.  God had taken our Sweet Isaac back so early.  It broken my heart.  But I have Faith that God had a reason for allowing Isaac to leave so early.  Isaac will always be our Son, just as Sweet Pea will always be our Child (I still think SON!) 

So now, we come to the end of what would be Isaac's Pregnancy and no baby.  We would be about 15 1/2 weeks Pregnant with Sweet Pea now.  But again for whatever reason, we lost Sweet Pea too.  Trying telling your kids that you didn't just lose 1 baby, but 2 babies in less than 3 1/2 months.  NOT FUN!

I think with Sweet Pea, I wanted to be pregnant again so bad, that I didn't allow my body to heal and I didn't let God have control.  I wanted to have another baby so bad, that I took control and did whatever I needed to do to get pregnant again.  Big mistake.  Not worth it.  I should have waited, even one more month.  And I should have let God have the control.  I have learned my lesson.  I will not take the control of trying to get pregnant again.  We will Make Love when we want to and only when we want too.  And if God's Will is for us to get pregnant again, it will happen.

So, here I am 5 years later.  Grateful for the Surprise Blessing of my Samuel and grieving the Short Lives of Isaac and Sweet Pea.  Allot has happened in 5 years.  I have grown allot and learned allot.  I have let go of friendships (lots of them) and made new ones (I'm grateful for them!!)  And I have learned to trust God and His Will for my life and family.  His Will is perfect and mine is not.

Christi

Aunt Flow

Well, we have made it 2 cycles after Sweet Pea so far without getting pregnant yet. And I'm ok with that. I would truly like to wait until my 3rd cycle until we got pregnant again. I just want my body to rest and heal. I wish I had done that in between Isaac and Sweet Pea. I wonder if I had if we wouldn't have lost our 2nd baby. But I will never know.

But I tell you what, Aunt Flow comes back with a fight after a miscarriage. With my 1st loss, we only had 1 cycle before we got pregnant, so I never got to really heal. But now that we have had 2 cycles, my body is flushing everything out. My 1st cycle was light and only last 4 to 6 days. This month has been bad. I'm going on day 7 and still bleeding. Not a ton, but still bleeding from time to time. Apparently my body is telling me I need to just let it heal and do it's thing.

I wonder if come February when we should be safe to get pregnant again, if it will happen. Will God bless us again? Or will God make us wait, if he blesses us at all again? But I am having to tell myself over and over again, that God will probably never come out and tell me "yes or no". It will be a faith thing. I have to have Faith that God's Will for our life is better than my will. So I will have to trust God to have control over whether or not we will ever conceive again. And part of that is hard. Because I am a CONTROL FREAK and I want to know everything about my life. But God is teaching me through the losses of Isaac and Sweet Pea, that I don't need to know everything and that is ok.

So as each month passes and Aunt Flow comes, I will be sad, but I will remind myself. God is in control and His Will is perfect. I just pray that Aunt Flow will slow down and not come so heavy and for so long.

What I do love about not needing to be in control this time around is. That I can make love to my husband when I want and only when we want. We will not stress about having to make love every other day or on a schedule just to make a baby. We know it's not up to us anymore. It's in God's Hands. So if we're meant to get pregnant, it will happen when we decide to make love and not because of a man made schedule. It will happen because of the love that is pure between us and not because of desire to be in control.

I love my husband! I love my God more! I want and need God's Will for my life above my own! I am learning that now and it is a hard lesson to learn. And losing 2 babies is not the easier way to learn it, but it is the way God used to get through to me.

I am blessed to have a God that loves me despite my sin. I am blessed to have a God that wants me so much to lean on him when I can't do it alone. I'm blessed and don't deserve to have a God that gave his One and Only Son to die for me. So that I would no longer be set apart from God, but that I would be washed clean and forgiven. Without Christ and Christmas, I would still be lost and a Sinner. But because God blessed Mary, the Virgin Mother, to conceive Jesus. And to have her give birth in a Manger on Christmas, I am saved and forgiven.

So this Christmas, as I grieve and mourn the losses of Isaac and Sweet Pea. I will rejoice in knowing that my babies will be spending their 1st Christmas with Jesus. They will get to celebrate this Wonderful time of Year with the One Christmas is all about!!

Christi

What Do You Say?

I was at the store today with the kids today and my mom. There was a lady behind us that commented on the kids. She goes oh you have 4 boys and a girl, and I say yes. She said "I had 3 boys and a girl" and my parents had 4 boys and a girl too. And then while my heart is hurting, I say we also have 2 babies in Heaven. And she says "oh, I'm sorry for your losses."

This is the hard part. To add the babies you lost or to just keep it to yourself. Sometimes I feel back for adding Isaac and Sweet Pea, because I know it makes people feel awkward. But if I don"t then I feel like a Bad Mom for not including my 2 Heavenly Babies. So what do you do?

I have come to think, that I will do what my heart tells me to do. I will acknowledge my babies, all 7 of them. And if that makes you uncomfortable, then I'm sorry. But they are all my babies and I have every right to include them. I love all my babies, and will always love them!

I miss my Isaac and Sweet Pea so very much. Even if I didn't get to really know either one of them. I love them and miss them. I can't wait until God calls me home so I can hold them for the 1st time. So I can kiss them for the 1st time. So I can hug them for the 1st time. But until God calls me home, I am honored to be the Mom of the 5 precious babies I have here!!

So if you ask me how many babies I have, I will tell you 7!!! I am a mother to 7. God has blessed me with 7 babies!! So I hope you too can include all of your babies, whether or not they are all with you.

Christi

Does it Ever Become Real?

I have asked myself many times this Question: Will it ever become real that I have lost 2 babies? Sometime I have to make myself see reality as it is. That in fact I have lost not 1 but 2 babies. And we lost them in less than 14 weeks of each other. I wonder if that is one of the reason's it doesn't always seem real. Because it happened so safe and so close. We were pregnant and then next we lost the baby, we were pregnant and then again we lost the baby. It is just hard to come to terms with that. That I have not 1 but 2 babies waiting for me in Heaven.

We know that our 1st loss is a Boy, his name is Isaac. We lost him at 14 1/2 - 15 weeks. Our 2nd loss is a bit harder. We lost this baby at 7 weeks, so we will not now for sure what this baby is until we get to Heaven. In my heart, I want to believe our baby is a Boy. Because if we lost a girl, my heart would be torn so much more. To know that we lost maybe the only chance of giving our daughter a sister would kill me. So I tell myself we lost another boy. It kills me when one of the kids ask if Sweet Pea was a girl or when they say, Sweet Pea is a girl. It makes me mad. Because I have always wanted another little girl.

So I guess, in time it will become more real. But probably for a long time. I wonder if I am the only one that feels like this. I wonder too if we will ever have another baby. Or if God's Will for us, is to be done.

Christi

Coping with a Due Date and No Baby

Well, Isaac due date is January 6, 2012. His due date is also our 11th Anniversary. It is so hard to know the "due date" is coming and no baby to show for it. I still wonder why God would allow our Son's Due Date to be our Anniversary. Why would he allow that day to have such a sad reminder?

We would have taken Isaac by c-section on December 28, 2011. I picked that day because, Aaron is the 26th of his birth month and Samuel is the 30th of his birth month. I liked having the day in the middle. But we never got there. But it still hurts to know that our Isaac should be here in 11 days. That I would be holding him in 11 days. I'm not sure how I will do that day. Will I be ok, or will I cry all day?

With Christmas just around the corner, I want to just hide from it all. But I can't. I have 5 precious children that want and need their Momma. They deserve to have a wonderful Christmas. So I keep going. I have done all my shopping and most of the wrapping. I'm excited to see their faces on Christmas Morning. They won't get allot and won't be anything big. But their grateful to get something.

I never realized how hard it is to hear Christmas Music after you lost a baby(ies). Hearing about Baby Jesus and knowing that your babies are not with you. It is hard. But I'm grateful to know that my babies are dancing with Jesus right now!! They get to spend their 1st Christmas with God and Jesus. How amazing is that??!! But I still miss my babies.

I still want to run away when I see pregnant mommas. More now than before. Because it just makes me think, "I should be big and pregnant right now". It makes my heart hurt. But I know that God is still holding me. I couldn't do it without God. And I always wonder how other Mommas do it, if they don't know God. What do they hold onto? What do they put their Faith in? Where do they think their baby is? How do they cope without knowing the truth?

I'm grateful for the promise that God will never leave me or forsake me during my time of sadness and grieving. He will always be there for me. He lets me be mad, sad, and hurt. He waits with me until I can cope. He doesn't grow tired of my sadness or pain. He doesn't tell me to move on and get over it. He understands my pain. He feels my pain.

So as our 1st Christmas passing without our Isaac and Sweet Pea, I'm learning how to cope and heal. It is definally a learning process. But with God, I can do it!

Christi

November 14, 2011

Well it Happened


I knew it would and it happened. I have been judged because of the way I'm grieving. And the sad thing is, is that is from a friend I've know for years.

The thing is she has never really known, and I mean really known well, someone that has lost a baby. So she has no idea what is normal when it comes to grieving a baby. So she thinks I'm losing it and I'm going to hurt myself, and that I'm not thinking clearly. The funny thing is, she lives thousands of miles away from me. And we only talk by phone or email.

She asked if my Husband and Mom know how sad I am and that she is concerned for my safety. So I flat out asked my Mom and Hubby (who by the way, she me every day) if they are concerned about me. They both said, that I am fine and I'm grieving but nothing more. They are NOT concerned and NOT worried about me. So that leads me to believe that if the 2 people who see me every day are not worried about me or my mental state, then I find is so full of it and doesn't have a foot to stand on.

When I asked her what made her think that of me, she would never reply. So again, makes me believe she has nothing to stand on.What she said was hurtful and judgemental. It was rude and unkind. She has never lost a child and has never suffered a miscarriage or lost of a baby too soon. She has all of her kids that she has given birth too. She has no idea what is like to grieve a child you never got to know or see.

Yes, I am sad. And I will be sad for a while to come. But I still do the things I need to do each day. Some days I get more done than others. And some days are harder than others, and some days easier than others. This Holiday Season is going to be hard. And that is normal. I just lost 2 babies. I have every right to be sad and to have pain. I should not and will not let anyone tell me I need to suck it up or move on. I do not need medicine nor do I need to see a consular. I would like to look into seeing a consular, not because I need it to survive. But because it would give me another outlet to talk about my feelings. But I in no way, need it! I am functioning just fine right now, and I don't need medicine to help me. That doesn't mean I have anything against medicine or people who need it. And if at some point I feel like I can't cope and can't do what I need to do anymore. Than I have no problem looking into medicine. But my goodness, it has only been 3 weeks since I learned I lost my 2nd baby. I have a right to grieve and cope the way I need to do it right this time.

I didn't cope right the 1st time with Isaac, and guess what I will do it right this time. Because I am now grieving 2 babies, not just one. So with God, I'm going to get through this and be a stronger person at the end of it. There is nothing wrong with being sad, or not wanting to leave the house every day. I don't feel like I need to make it a point to get out of the house every day. I love staying at home and always have. I have no problem going places when and only when I want too. Yes at 1st, I do not want to go anywhere I know allot of people, that their is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with me. I am normal and I am coping and grieving.

I love my Earth Babies so much!! And I'm excited to spend each day God gives me with them! I look forward to seeing there sweet faces each morning and kisses them each night. I'm ok with not seeing my Heavenly Angels until God calls me home. And that's ok. I can wait to see my Angels. They are having so much fun in Heaven and God is taking great care of them until I get there. But my Babies here need me. They have only 1 mom and that's me. And I'm proud to be there Mom. I am honored to be there Mom. I am blessed to be there Mom!

So anyways, again this probably doesn't make any sense. I just have allot on my mind, and not sure always how to spit it all out.

But I'm ok. I am sad and I'm grieving. But I AM OK!

God willing, good will come from my losses


Christi

November 9, 2011

From My Healing Hearts Support Group


These are 2 little Poems from My Healing Hearts Support Group:

1st one:

My Mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
That never was away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
Tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with my death
By keeping my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
It is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
Through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
That time WON'T EVER HEAL!

2nd one:

Ask My Mom

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She’ll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can’t explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can’t describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She’ll say "I’m alright".
If that’s the truth,
then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well,
She didn’t have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,"I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping".
For God’s sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken,
She’ll love me all her life, I"ll loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.
I am here in Heaven I cannot hug her from here.

If she lies to you don’t listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say,"You’re lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!"


Christi

November 8, 2011

Asking for Help


That is the title of the email I sent out this weekend. I have been praying and talking to God about where to go from here. What is He trying to tell us? Why does God keep allowing us to lose babies?

I was talking to my friend, and she said I need to tell people what I need. She said I need to be open and honest with what I need. And since I have had quite a few people ask me what I needed from them. I figured I would ask them what I needed. Here is the email I sent out:

Hi,

I was wondering if I could ask something of you. Please know you don't have to by any means, but for those of you that would be willing.

I would like to ask for those of you that don't mind, to call or email me from time to time and check on me. I have had a few people ask what they can do for me, and I think I just need to know and be reminded that people are praying for me.

I'm having a very hard time right now. I miss my babies so very much. I'm trying to come to terms that I need to want God's Will for my life and not my own desires for my life. And with that I'm coming to terms that my desires for another baby may not be God's Will for my family. I am seeing after our 2nd loss, how much this is hurting my kids and my husband. So today, I took a very huge and painful step. I prayed and ask God to show me His Plan for my family. I asked God if it is his Will for us to have another baby that he will allow me to become pregnant in His time, and that He will bless us with an uneventful and stress free pregnancy. With no spotting and no discharge. But if God's Will is not for our family to grow with the birth of another baby, that God will close my womb and not allow me to become pregnant again. And that God will remove my hearts desire of having another baby and replace it with peace and complete joy and fullness with the 5 Earthly Angels I have.

For anyone that has known me long, they can tell you, this is very hard for me. All my life, I have wanted allot of children. I was not prepared for Samuel to be our last baby. I was not prepared to experience 2 losses. But for whatever reason, God has allowed this pain to come into our lives. So I'm learning what I can do with the pain and how I can grow from it.

I'm learning, that I can't and I won't allow my Desires to continue to hurt my family. I will not continue to pray for my desires, but I will walk away from them. I am learning every day to walk towards God's Will. I have told God, the control is His, and I'm letting go of it. The future of my Family is in His Hands, and I'm ok with that. So if God's Will for our family to grow, he will. And if it's not God's Will for our family to grow, my womb will close. But I need and have to let go of the control. I need to step back and let God have complete control. What that looks like right now, I'm not totally sure.

What I do know: I need to stop stressing, worrying, and thinking about when and if we will have another baby. I need to be in the here and now. I need to be here for my children and husband. I need to love them and stop wishing on what might be. I need to leave the future to God. I need to leave the possibility of another baby in God's Hands. I need to go on with my life and stop living it around when we can start trying again. If and when we get pregnant is in God's Hands, not mine, and I need to leave it there and walk away.

It's so hard to imagine never having another baby bump, never to hear another heartbeat, never to feel the 1st kick, never to see my tummy move while the baby moves, to never see my baby for the 1st time, to nurse another baby, never to see their 1st smile, never to hear their 1st laugh, and so much more. It's so hard because I never expect Samuel to be the last baby I brought home.

But at the end of the day, it can't be and I will NOT let it be all about me or what I want. It has to be about God's Will and what's best for my family.

So I'm learning to let go of the control and let God have complete control of this. Please pray for me, because this is probably one of the hardest things I will ever do besides saying goodbye to my 2 Angels.

So that's where I am right now. And I just need to be reminded that people are still praying for us and that people do care. So to answer people's question, what you can do for me. Is to just email or call me and just remind me your praying and care. It is so easy to get in a hold and tell yourself no one cares. But it makes it harder to do that when people are reaching out to you. It doesn't have to be much, just a quick email, or a 3 minute phone call. You don't have to understand how I'm feeling to call, just remind me your praying and care. That's it. So again, don't feel like you have too. Just if you feel like you want to help, this is what I'm needing right now.

I got allot of good responses and people really seemed to be open to helping me. But like my friend said, I will find allot of people who are "not safe people". They are the people who don't reply and don't want to open themselves to being there for me. And that is fine. And I don't need those people to feel loved. What is quiet sad, is allot of them are from church. And I guess I thought if they went to church, they'd be safe.

But I guess my point is that I needed to give control back to God. It was never mine in the 1st place, and I had no right to take control. So when we are able to start trying again. We will have fun with it and not stress about it. If it happens it happens, if not, then it's not God's Will. I just don't want to get pregnant again if we are just going to lose another baby. I'm done with losing babies, I am done with the plan. So that is about it.

Sorry if this didn't make any sense.

October 30, 2011

I have 2 Choices


I have realized that I have 2 Choices on how I can deal with the pain and grieve we have been dealt over the past several months.

1. I could stay bitter and upset with God for allowing us to lose 2 babies.

2. I can choose to trust God, use my pain for his Glory, and Praise God for what I do have.

*I have 7 babies.
*I have 5 with me (1 saved and praying for the other 4)
*I have 2 babies in Heaven with my Heavenly Father
*I have a Heavenly Father who loves me
*I have a Husband that love me so much!
*I have some very good friend that love me and check on me often
*I have family that love me
*I have a home filled with Love
*I have a Van that can fit all of our kids plus more
*I have food to eat and feed my kids
*My Hubby has a job
*I have a job I love...Scentsy
*I have a Church Family that loves us

And so much more....So I am choosing #2. I will Praise God through the pain and heartache. Anyone that has ever been through a Miscarriage, Stillborn, or Infant Loss will tell you it to so easy to be mad at God, at the world, and to go into a depression. But it is harder to pick yourself up and keep going. You have to choose every day to trust God and move forward.

I want to get to a point where I can use my pain and suffering to bring Glory to God. I want to minister to God's people who are not saved and been through the heartache of losing a baby. I know in doing so, it will help me heal and will help other moms see the Love Of Christ.

I hate the pain that comes with losing a baby. I went to fill out our White Board Calendar for the month of November. So I got my pocket Calendar to find out what's going on next month. And the 1st thing I see is the sonogram I scheduled for November 7th. I wanted to cry. I knew when I made it, for some reason, we wouldn't make it that far. I didn't want to schedule it at all. And maybe next time I will listen to myself and not schedule anything for a while. It is so hard to have Faith and Believe when you have so much pain hitting you like a brick.

But I will continue to pray that when God blesses us again, that that Baby will "stick". I DON'T ever want to go through losing another baby again. I know God knows that, and I pray and I mean pray that God will not allow us to lose another baby.

I also feel like Satan is using the miscarriages to try and bend my Faith. But I will not let it. My Faith is based on more than whether we have Healthy Babies. I will not let this or anything else bend my Faith. I will not lie, this one was harder. I was mad and frustrated at God. I just didn't and will never understand why God would allow this to happen to us again. Much less 2 in less than 14 weeks. But I know God doesn't cause the pain in our lives, but he does allow it to happen. But I also believe God allows the pain so we can turn it around and use it for God's Glory.

So I will choose every day to trust God, Love God, Lean on God when I can't go anymore, and I will teach my Children to turn their downs into Glory and Praises to God. Because without God I wouldn't be at strong as I am. I am nothing without God, and I need God every single day!! I wouldn't want to go even 1 day without God!!!


Christi

October 25, 2011

Grieving Baby Sweet Pea


FYI- This post has some TMI and is very sad. Just forewarning you.

We found out yesterday that I was 7 weeks and 1 day along with Baby #7. But we also found out that we had lost baby #7. I starting spotting that morning before Aaron went to work. I asked him to stay home and we could go in together sometime that morning. I had been having discharge like I had with Isaac, for about 1 1/2 weeks at this point. But never had any blood. I had made my 1st appointment for November 7th, and really didn't want to go into the doctor before that. So I was holding onto my Faith that despite the discharge that this baby was doing good. That is until I had the spotting. So I called the doctors office as soon as they opened at 9am. They told me to come in right away.

So I went straight to our room to tell Hubby who was on a conference call for work we needed to go. I got down on my knees and prayed, cried, and asked God to let us keep this baby and to let this baby live. Then I got up and got dressed and we left. We got to the doctor's office around 10:45 or so. They called us straight back, and started the sonogram. Much to my surprise I was 7 weeks and 1 day along. I didn't think I was quite 6 weeks yet. But after the women was quiet for the 1st 3 or 5 minutes. I knew something was wrong. She said "it doesn't look good". There was no heartbeat. We figure because I was still having pregnancy symptoms that the baby had just died.

My heart is so broken right now. I declined the D&C, because I have already had 3 of them. I didn't want anymore scar tissue from them. So we were told what to expect and told to call the office if we had questions or had any signs that things were not going good.

So we left the office and I just cried and cried. I just kept asking why us again. Why is this happening to us again. I just didn't and don't and probably never will understand why God allowed us to lose another baby.

So today (Tuesday) I started to have more bleeding and knew we would be passing our baby soon. Around 4pm I felt the 1st gush of blood, and then 2 more followed. I told my mom, I would be in the tub and that I had a phone to call her with if I needed help. She stayed out in the living room with the kids, and helped them with the homework.

I called Aaron and told him I believe it was starting. Thankfully he was working at his mom's house about 5 minutes away. So I filled the tub up with a little water and just sat and waited. It didn't take long and thankfully no cramps and I passed our Sweet Angel. I called the OB's office to just confirm what I was seeing was the baby. And they confirmed it was. So I sat there a while longer to see if anything else would happen. I had some more blood but that was about it.

I got out and took a shower and just tried to cope with what just happened. I was relieved it happened quickly and without allot of pain. I am still having some bleeding, clots, and mild cramps, but that is all normal. I'm praying that everything I needed to pass, has passed and the bleeding will stop quickly.

I did tell God that I was grateful to know that this was coming. I couldn't imagine if I hadn't been told yesterday that our Sweet Angel had passed. And then having all this happen today. I would have completely lost it.

So now we wait and pray and ask God where to go from here. The doctor is wanting to do some blood work to see if they can find out why we keep losing babies. And I know I will never know why this has happened twice until I get to Heaven.

But I am grateful for a God that doesn't leave me to go through this alone. He is right there with me and my Husband. And it kills both of us to have to tell our kids that we lost another baby. They didn't know we were pregnant and most people didn't. They took it pretty well. So that is good. I'm still trying to cope and process what has happened.

I am still at a loss at the fact that we have lost 2 babies in less than 14 weeks. It all just sucks!! But I know God is still God and he has a plan. Just wish I could know what that plan is.

So anyways, that is where I am right now. I am broken, sad, and so lost as to why this has happened again. But just as with Isaac, we will go through the grieving process and will get through this loss as well. I am grateful for my friends and family that are here to support me and listen to me.

Christi

September 26, 2011

So Hard....


I have been doing so good the past 2 weeks. I have been able to get through each day without breaking down. But for some reason tonight, I lost it. I was in the car driving home and just started crying. I couldn't stop. I got to the grocery store and just sat there and cried.

I called out to God, I cried out to God, and asked God to help me. I can't do it without him. I need God!! I need God to heal my heart and help me through my grieving. I am and will continue to lean on God.

I miss my Isaac so much! I love him so much and wish he could be with me. But I wouldn't trade knowing where he is for anything. I know that God has a reason for taking him so early. I also wouldn't change what happened. I know that is hard to believe and maybe I am crazy. But without the struggle and pain of losing Issac, I would never know how strong I truly am. I am only strong because of my Faith and Love of Christ and God. I would love to have my baby here with me. But I know he is having so much fun in Heaven. He has so many kids to play with up there and there is no pain and no evil up there. How could I ask him to come here and live in this world? I can't. I will see him once again when God calls me home. Until then I will go on and just continue to ask God to carry me when I can't walk.

I am sure it makes it harder that Hubby is out of town again. He is travelling more than he use to with the new position. So I am having to get use to parenting as a single mom when he is not here. Thankfully, my mom is here to help at times so that is relief.

So here I am again, just trying to through today and praying tomorrow will be a better day.


Christi

September 2, 2011

A Poem for Isaac


A Sweet Friend of Mine wrote this poem for Isaac when she started to make a little Blanket for Isaac. When we found out Isaac had died, she gave the original blanket to her daughter. I asked before I knew she had given it to her Daughter, if we could still have the blanket. I wanted to put it in Isaac's Keepsake Box. She told me she had given it to her Daughter. She figured Isaac would want someone to be able to use his Blanket. I am not sure I told her this, but it is what I thought when she wrote that. That I believe Isaac would love that such a beautiful and sweet little girl was blessed with the Blanket made and covered with Prayers during his short Life.

So anyways, after she knew we would have loved to have had the blanket, she asked if we would mind if she made a smaller blanket made from the yarn that was left over. I said of course! As she was making the blanket, she noticed that the yarn was coming unraveled. She wrote the poem below because of it and because of Isaac's short life.

I wanted to share it with my readers. Thank you sweet Karen!! It means so much to our family!!!

For Isaac Nathaniel and his Family with love

“Unraveled”

Written by Karen S.

Once there was a ball of yarn that started perfect as can be,

Purchased to make a gift for a little baby yet to be.

The maker (Karen) started crocheting an afgan; made with love and from the heart,

Only to discover that the yarn’s threads had unraveled apart.

Once there was a baby, who started perfect as can be.

He was prayed for and deeply longed for; to be part of a special family tree.

The Maker (God) was knitting the baby together in his mother’s womb, right from the start, Only to discover the ceasing of the little child’s beating heart.

Once there was a baby who was planned for with faith, hope and a prayer

Planned for by his parents, who could not wait to have him there.

The Maker’s (God) plans were different than what all would have hoped,

For plans for the baby’s arrival soon unraveled like a rope.

For when life’s plans unravel and things won’t turn out like we thought they should,

Our Maker’s (G0d) ever planning to work all things for our good.

For our Maker is the one who takes every unraveled part

And, is the only one who can mend all that has unraveled, even a broken heart.

Christi

September 2, 2011

Trying to Cope

I never thought we'd lose a baby. I never thought I would have to call my husband from my OB's office to tell him we Lost Our Sweet Angel. I never thought I'd call my mom to tell her, that she lost a Grand baby. I never thought I would come home to tell my kids that their brother or sister that was in Mommy's Tummy had died. I never thought my Body would go into Labor and deliver my baby at 15 weeks and 6 days. I never thought I would get to see my Angel's Face so early only to never see him again.

I never thought I'd do all that in a matter of 4 days just 6 weeks ago. I never thought I would be a Mom to a Baby in Heaven. But I am. And I am coping and grieving. I am holding onto my Faith and my God. I couldn't get through this without God. I couldn't go one day without God carrying me and now walking right beside me. I feel so weak and lost, but because of my Faith... I will get through it and will be found and strong once again. I know God has a plan. I know God will bring good from Isaac's death.

I had the sweet young lady, Tracy, that cuts Samuel's hair, tell me today that I will get through this because I am a Strong Christian Women. That surprise me because she doesn't know me well. But she can see my faith through my grief. That is amazing. That tells me that I am doing what I want to get done through Isaac's death. My Faith is shining through. My Faith is what people see. And that is important to me. I need people to know that I am strong Only because of my Faith in what God's Word tells me. I am strong because Jesus is in my heart and is Lord of my Life.

I have been dealing with more panic attacks lately. I think the numbness is wearing off finally and the reality of Isaac truly being gone is setting in. And it sends my heart in a panic. That I will never feel my baby move (I would be about 22 weeks pregnant), I will never be awaken my Isaac kicking or moving to get comfortable. And it is hard to come to terms with that. Just hard to believe that I will never experience that with my Sweet Isaac. But I know and believe that my Isaac sees me and doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to rejoice in knowing he is with my Heavenly Father. That he is where I would want him to be. He isn't in pain and he is not suffering. He is perfect, alive, and happy. But my heart breaks to know he is so far away from me.

I know I am not the 1st and won't be the last to lose a baby. I want to use Isaac's death to help other moms. I want to educate friends and families of parents that lose their sweet angels. I have friends that have been such a support to me and my family. And I have others that I have come to realize are not the friends I need moving forward. It makes me sick that people think that the "pain" they feel about being asked for "space" is the same "pain" I feel or any mom feels that has lost a baby. It's not the same. Anyways, that is something I am trying to let go of.

I couldn't sleep last night. Which for me lately is not a big surprise. So I got up and put the clothes in the drier and went and sat in the rocking chair for a little bit. I was listening to KLTY and just praying. I was singing and worshiping my King. I finally got up and went to sit in the bathroom to journal. Hubby was sleeping in the bed and the kids were all asleep. So I sat on the floor and used the step stool as a table to write. I had my phone by me just in case I got a FB message or something. I just sat there and wrote about what was going on. How I missed my baby and that my hubby was in bed snoring. I looked down and my phone was flashing the red light that tells me I have a message of some sort. I looked at it and it showed I had an email. It was from a friend from my Life Group. This is what she wrote: "Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you right this minute." She told me God put me on her heart. I knew that too when I got the email. I told her that I needed to her that right that minute. I was hurting and I needed to know I was loved and being prayed for. God showed me that using someone I trust. That meant allot to me. Getting emails, cards, and FB messages from friends saying their still praying means the world to me. It means they haven't forgotten. They still care and are still praying for us.

From a mom that has a baby in Heaven please hear me. If you know someone that has lost a baby (at any point) or child..... they will hurt forever. The pain never ends... it gets easier to deal with after time. But will never end. They need your prayers, words of encouragement, and listening ear. They need to know you still remember and will be there for them. It doesn't matter how long ago their loss was, they still need to talk about it.

I have a wonderful friend that gave me a gift this week. She came over to hang out for a little bit because I wasn't feeling good and couldn't meet her for dinner. She brought with her the gift she got for Isaac's Keepsake Box. It was precious. It it a Porcelain Baby about the size of what Isaac was at delivery. It meant so much to me to be able to hold the little baby and imagine Isaac. She got one for her sweet baby she lost as well. She and I have been getting closer because of our Loss. God brings people together in special ways.

Well, I guess that is it for now. Thank you for listening and being there for me!

August 14, 2011

Well, I just realized that I have updated my blog in a while.

I went to the Doctor for a normal OB appointment on July 18th, we were going to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. So I went to the waiting room, and waited for the doctor to come in. I had not a care in the world. I hadn't been spotting or having discharge for almost 3 weeks. I knew the baby was fine. So when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, I wasn't worried.

He took me back to do an u/s to see the baby and make sure everything was fine. The u/s lady (Karen) was not there that day. So I had to wait for the nurse and doctor to plug in the u/s. So when everything was ready. He started the u/s. We found the baby right away. I was 15 weeks and 3 days at that point. What we didn't find was a heartbeat, our sweet baby wasn't moving. The doctor looked for what seemed to be like hours for a heartbeat, but probably was like 3 or 4 minutes. He said "Christine, I don't know what to tell you. I can't find a heartbeat." He was telling me that our sweet Peanut had passed away. We had in fact miscarried. He sent me upstairs for a 2nd opinion. While I waited for the paperwork to be sent upstairs. I called my hubby who was working from home that day. I had to tell him that his sweet child had passed away. He seemed so together at 1st. I wasn't sure he was processing what I was saying. I got off the phone and waited for them to send me upstairs. He called me again and was in tears this time. He asked weren't you half way done, I said just about yes. Then how could this happen. I said I don't know. All I knew at that point and all I know now, is that was God's Will.

For whatever reason, God took our Sweet Baby so early. I walked upstairs all numb and in shock. My baby was still inside me but was dead. How could this happen is all I was thinking. I thought everything was getting better. I had no more spotting and no discharge. When I got upstairs, I handed them my paperwork and sat down. I was crying (I was keeping it together though. I just had the small tears, not the ugly tears yet.) I was talking to my hubby again and asked him to get on his knees and pray for a miracle. I asked the women at the front desk for a private room. I needed to pray and I could tell I was making the other people in the waiting room uncomfortable. After about a few minutes, they got me a room. I got on my knees and prayed that God would let us find a heartbeat. I prayed that God would let my baby live. They called me back into the next room for the level 2 u/s. Only to find out that indeed our sweet Peanut had passed away. That doctor said this didn't just happen. That our Sweet Peanut had been gone for about 3 - 7 days. He couldn't find any reason from the u/s for why our baby died. He asked me lots of questions, but none that I can remember. He told me not to blame myself, that these things just happen. I remember telling him and anyone that day that would listen. That I would be ok. That this was God's Will and God will get me through this. My baby is in Heaven and he is perfect. I do believe that something had to have been wrong with our Sweet Peanut and God took him home early so he wouldn't suffer.

My hubby asked if I wanted him to come up there, I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together and I knew the moment that I saw him I was going to lose it. The nurses kept asking me if I was here alone. When I would say "yes", they would ask me if I wanted them to call someone. I said "no", I'm ok. I just need to get through this and go home.

I went back to my normal OB. He said he was going to put some stuff in my cervix to help it dilate so that they could get the baby out. We scheduled a D&C for Friday. He had wanted me to come in every day to add more stuff. But since I live over an hour away. We agreed on Monday and Wednesday instead. So that Monday I got my 1st round of this crap. It hurt so bad and made me cramp. So not only was I in shock that my sweet baby had passed away, now I was in complete pain.

I had to do a few errands to do after that, so they gave me 4 Advil's to kill the pain a little. I had to run to target for some bins. I had a diaper coupon as well. But I didn't need that anymore. I also needed to go to Albertson for some hamburger meat. It was only on sale for 1 more day. And I know I wasn't going to be getting out the next day. So I walked through the stores all numb and totally in shock. But I got it done. My next stop was home. My hubby was waiting for me. I lost it as soon as I was in his arms. I just cried like a baby. We both did. I explained to him everything that happened, what the doctors had said, and what their plan was to get the baby out on Friday. We talked about what to tell the kids when we told them.

So we sat the kids (4 of the 5. One was at camp) down on the couch. We told them the baby in mommy's tummy had passed away and went to Heaven. The poor things looked like someone had just scared them. They just sat there and said not a whole lot. I know some had questions, but I can't remember what they were. I know they were sad and didn't really understand.

That night I just sat next to hubby and cried. He held me and cried too. We were in shock and so sad. We just couldn't understand why this happened. When everything was getting better, and then to find out our sweet peanut had passed away. But we now that God has a perfect plan and he has a reason for taking our Baby so early. In those early days, I would sit there and think of reasons why God had taken our baby so early. Anything to make my heart not hurt so bad.

We had sent out a quick email to our LG to let them know what had happened and that we needed prayer. One of the couples in our LG had lost 2 precious girls at birth, had called me and talked to me that night and emailed me allot afterwards. She still does. We hadn't told many people, just too hard at 1st. Through this though, I did find out that 3 other couples in our LG also experienced a MC, so I was not alone.

I had to go back in on Wednesday, to have more stuff put in my cervix. Thankfully they got me in right away, so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room. It was nice and quiet. They came in and started to add more stuff to dilate my cervix. It hurt so bad, and they ended up using the u/s to help them put them in.

I was sent to do blood work for my D&C on Friday. The ladies that did the pre-opt paperwork were so uncaring. They didn't ask why I was crying nor did they seem to even care. Now the ladies that took my blood and got all my information for Friday, were just the opposite. They were so nice and told me to take my time. They gave me comfort at a time I was needing it.

I had been asking people to pray for my body to go into labor, so that I wouldn't have to have the D&C. I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me like that. I wouldn't be able to see my sweet baby nor would I be able to find out what my baby is. The couldn't tell from the u/s. I knew that I wouldn't do well with all of this, if we had to go through with the D&C. I wanted my baby to be whole and I didn't want my baby to hurt.

So then I was sent home to wait until Friday morning. I remember asking God, that if he was going to let this baby come out on it's own. It needed to happen soon. My time was running out. Other than that, I don't remember much about that day. I remember Thursday though. That morning my hubby had to be up early for his last day of training. I remember waking up around 5am not being able to sleep well and having to go potty allot. I had to go #1 but had to keep going #2 allot. I look back now realizing my body was trying to clean itself out. My body was cramping again. It was lower abs and in my lower back. I figured it was from the stuff they put in my cervix. That's was it felt like. So for the rest of the morning that is what I dealt with. I couldn't sleep and I was in pain. Now remember, all my babies were c-sections, and I had never gone into labor with any of them.

So by about 9am, I knew I was in labor. I had called my doctor and they said they wanted to see me within 2 hours. My problem was that my hubby was in class until noon, and I couldn't drive myself. My mom doesn't feel comfortable driving our van and I didn't want the kids to see what was going to happen. So I called my friend, Karen, to see if she could come and take me to the hospital. She has 2 kids and didn't live far away. That was around 9:45am. So I called my hubby and told him to meet us at the hospital (it is over an hour drive from our house). So I jumped in the shower while I waited for my friend to get here. By then the contractions were coming like every 2 - 3 minutes. So she got to my house around 11:15 or so. And we got in my mom's car. Just in case I had the baby or started bleeding really bad. I didn't want to do it in her car. But the time we got off my road, my contractions were coming every minute and lasting 30 - 45 seconds. I thought I was going to die.

It took a little over an hour and we finally got to the hospital. She took me to the ER (Hubby told her too, since I was in took much pain). She went inside to get a wheelchair and to tell the nurses what was going on. It was so hard, because they asked me how far along I was and how long I was in labor. They had no idea that my baby had passed away and that I was in labor about to deliver my sweet angel with no heartbeat. They wheeled me inside and asked me some more questions. One that ticked me off, was how I knew my baby was died. They asked if I had a u/s to confirm my baby was gone. I said yes, 2 of them on Monday. I told them I was scheduled for a D&C on Friday, but I had gone into labor early. And I was in too much pain to go to my doctor 1st. So they finally got me room. My hubby was there about 10 minute later. That was around 12:15 or so. They got me an IV and some pain medicine. They did that about 5 times. Each time it lasted like 15 minutes maybe and would only take the edge off.

I couldn't believe all the blood I was bleeding. I think my little water broke around 12:45 and I deliver our Sweet Angel around 1pm. The ER doctor couldn't tell if our Baby was a Boy or Girl. But when my doctor came in and looked. He said our Sweet Peanut is a BOY!!! So we have another boy, Isaac Nathaniel. My body was too tired to keep pushing the placenta out, so they did the D&C to get it out.

They let me go home that night. I left the hospital without our Baby. That is the worst feeling ever. Walking in with a baby and leaving without your baby. So we went home and we cried more. Hubby got to work from home the next day thankfully. But he had to go out of town on Sunday - Wednesday. That was a very long. sad, and lonely 4 days. If I had to do it over again, I would have told him not to go.


I had to ask for space from anyone I knew that was pregnant. I needed time to heal. It makes it that much harder to have that reminder of what you've lost and what you will never experience with that baby you've lost. For me then and I still do now, I pray for those of my friends that are pregnant. That they will never experience the pain of losing a baby. They will never know how hard it is to be around women that are pregnant or newborn babies. It is a pain that no one can ever understand that hasn't been through it. I don't care how many friends you've had lose a baby at whatever point, it is not the same. Unless you have lost a baby, you will never know.

I know it is hard to be asked not to call right now, and that I need space, I've been there. Grieving Mom's are not doing it to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like a bad person. We are doing what we need to do to heal and not feel resentment towards those women that are pregnant. To be reminded every day of what we will not experience is so hard and makes healing unbearable. We need to do what will make ourselves heal and not hurt everyday. So if that means asking people not to call until we are ready. We don't do this to cause anyone pain. We do it to cause us less pain.

Because of what has happened to me, I pray that it will cause people on the other side of my loss to be more grateful for what they have. If you have never had to experience the loss of losing a baby at any point, be grateful. If you have all of your children. If you have brought all of your children home. If you haven't had to bury your baby. Stop saying poor me, and think of how hard this much be for that person.

I have gotten to know a fellow twin mom better because of my MC. She lost one of her sweet twins at 5 months. She is still grieving and it's been over 3 years. We have been able to talk and know are not alone.

Also, I wish I could write a book about what to do if you have a friend that has a MC, stillborn, or baby loss. Not everyone wants phone calls, some need space. They are grieving and don't want to talk to people right now. But send cards!!! Even if you just write: I'm sorry for your loss and I'm praying for your family. Even just something that simple means so much. It's better than saying nothing. The momma needs to know people are praying and thinking of the sweet baby they lost. The cards are also something they can put in a keepsake for the baby. DON'T ASK THE MOMMA AT ANY POINT "HOW THEY ARE DOING!!!!" That just makes them cry. Don't tell them you look good for losing a baby. Oh my gosh. How can anyone look good for losing a baby. Yes, I had someone tell me that. Be careful, when sending them invitations to baby showers. If you don't know the person very well, don't send an invitation for at least 6 months after a Miscarriage, and I would say a year for stillborn or baby loss.

In some ways, I wish I knew someone that had a baby, so I could hold the baby. But in some ways I'm glad I don't. I break down when I see a pregnant momma anywhere. Whether I know her or not. I break down when I see a baby too. I want to ask the momma if I can hold their baby. But I don't, because they'll think I'm crazy.

I work in the nursery at church and haven't been back since we lost Isaac. I wanted to go back this weekend. But I got sick. So hopefully next weekend. I miss my babies, but I know this will be hard. But I figured I start with baby steps. Work with the babies for both hours or a few weeks. And then when I'm ready I'll go to LG. I start to have panic attacks if I'm around too many people that know what happened. So I need to start slow.

I want to Thank my new friend, Stacy, for talking about her MC and her Sweet son, Isaac, that passed away after birth. She wrote a post about a MC she had before she got pregnant this year. Because of that I wrote her an email after we lost Isaac. I wanted and needed to surround myself around other MC momma's. She sent me 2 books that I have found to be very helpful. She is a very sweet and Godly women. She is pregnant and due right around the same time I was with our Isaac. But it's not as painful to talk to her even with her being pregnant. Because she's been where I am. She's experience more grieve than I have. I think of her often. I found out today when I read her blog, that she is expecting another BOY!! I'm so happy for her.

God put people in our lives for a reason. I truly believe that!! I have a few close friends, that have been through something similar to what I've gone through, and they are really the only ones I talk to right now. Because they understand how I'm feeling. They aren't going to feel like I'm causing them pain by asking for space or time to just heal. They get it like no one else can.

I have been telling myself since the 1st day we found out Isaac had passed, that God has a plan. Sometimes we have our babies for a long long time, and sometimes for a few short weeks. We don't get to pick. Our Isaac is perfect and whole in Heaven. He is right where he belongs.

I know that from this process that I will never be the same. Stupid, pointless things, are no longer going to make me worry. I will never take a day with my kids for granted! And if one pregnant momma tells me she is sick of being pregnant or wishes this baby would stop doing "fill in the blank". I will slap them! Until you have experienced a loss, you will never know the pain.

So part of me asking for space is for me and my healing and what I need. And part of it is for them, so I don't want to slap them every time some stupid hurtful comment about being tired of being pregnant or being up all night with a crying baby. I would give almost anything to be pregnant with Isaac. I would love to be able to be up all night nursing and holding a crying baby. Nothing but God's Grace will heal my pain and my loss.

So just remember if your asked to give a grieving momma space. It is NOT about you! It is about what that momma needs to heal and grieve. Don't take it personal or think poor me. Just be patience and pray for the family. When they are ready to talk again, they'll let you know.


So that is my story I guess. I needed to get it out. I need to greive and I need to let the pain out.

Christi

June 8, 2011

This was Posted on June 8, 2011. I want to add some history to my blog. This was before my 1st miscarriage:


Baby #6


After some major scares and 3 weeks of bedrest. I am able to finally breath and feel happy once again to be pregnant. At 5 weeks and 3 days I started to bleed. I freaked out and just about lost it. I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage. But by the Grace of God Our Peanut is ok!! I have gotten to lay on the couch and my bed. I just started moving to the recliner just because it doesn't hurt my butt like the couch. Now that I'm not bleeding or spotting anymore, I feel more comfortable. I'm still having some discharge, but the doctor said that is normal. He said unless I have bleeding, spotting, and/or cramping I have nothing to worry about.I've had 4 sonograms in the past 3 weeks. The last time was today. I saw a strong heartbeat (190's) and her arms, legs, and beautiful head. The baby is growing like she is suppose to!!! All the Praise and Glory belongs to God!!

I can't believe we are having a 6th baby. I am just beginning to let myself get excited, again. We will have 6 kids from 9 1/2 - newborn when this baby is born at the end of December. I am looking forward to nursing again and burping a baby. I have missed that! My youngest will be just a little over 4 when this baby is born.

I will be 10 weeks this Friday and will be able to find out what this baby is around mid- August. All the kids, my mom, and Hubby are praying for a girl. I would love to have a girl. But at this point, I want this baby. So if it's another boy, so be it! Everyone I know is praying for us to having another girl. So maybe God will answer every one's prayers. God knows my heart and my desire for another girl. But he also knows that I want THIS baby!!!

This will be our last Baby. I promised Hubby that I would get my tubes tied if we got pregnant again. And since we did, I am keeping my promise. And with this baby and the issues we've had so far. I am ready to be done with babies. I love them, but this was scary. Well, school is out and I've been on bedrest for the past 3 weeks. The kids 4 older kids have Sport Camp this week. The boys are doing Basket Ball and my daughter is playing soccer. My sweet hubby is taking the kids since I'm on bedrest. I have helped out inside the past 2 years, and I'm missing it this year. I'm also going to miss VBS next week at church. But I need to do what is best for my baby. So I'll be back next year. The kids are loving it and loving their Grandma's Pool. She built an in ground salt water pool. The water is getting warmed thanks to the upper 90's heat we've been having lately. So that is a nice way to cool down.I am so grateful to have a God that cares about me and love me even when I don't deserve it. He has blessed me with 5 wonderful kids and is blessing us with our last baby. I couldn't do it without God. He has carried me much of the past 3 weeks.

Christi

Hi, My Name is Christi

Hi. I'm Christi, and I have had 2 miscarriages. I never thought I would have 1 much less 2 in less than 14 weeks. I wanted to start this blog to have a place to talk about my miscarriages, my babies, and how much this hurts. I want to make a place where other mom's can come and talk about how they feel.

So I will copy and paste some of the post I posted from my regular blog. So that way I can share my story.

I am a Mom to 5 Earthly Children (Aaron 9 1/2, Jeremiah and Riley 7, Elizabeth 5, and Samuel 4 and a 2 Heavenly Babies (Isaac and Sweet Pea.) I have been married 11 years this January, 2012. I have a strong Faith in God and am a Christian Believer. I love my Husband so very much and am blessed that God gave him to me to go through this with!

So please comment and share your story. I want this to be a safe place for mom's to share!


Christi