New Year 2012

So, 2011 wasn't the best year in my life.  We had allot of sad things happen.  Allot of big Anniversary's come up, some happy and some sad.

So let's start at the beginning of 2011:

January:  We celebrated our 10th Wedding Anniversary, Twins turned 7
February: Daughter turned 5, our Van died for the last time
March: Dad would have turned 69, we bought our "New to Us Van"
April: Nothing
May: Marked 12 years since my Dad passed away, found out we were expecting baby #6, was put on bedrest due to bleeding
June: My Oldest turned 9,  Baby #6 continued to grow and get bigger
July: Found out Isaac had passed away
August: I had a birthday, went on our 1st Family Vacation since the twins were born, 4 of my 5 kids started school, youngest turned 4
September: Found out we were expecting baby #7
October: My Mom's Birthday (66), Found out we lost Sweet Pea, My Husband had a Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: My Mom's mom passed away 12 years ago, Christmas, and what would have been Isaac's Birthday

I pray for 2012 to be better.  I pray that I will continue to Pray for God's Will above my own will.  I pray that God will bless us with his Blessings in His Time.  I pray for happiness and no more death.  I pray we will continue to stick to our budget.  I pray that Hubby's Job will continue to be a joy for him.  I pray that Hubby will continue to have his job for many more years to come.

I truly Thank God for the friends that I have still in my life.  After 2 miscarriages, you truly find out who is and isn't your friend.  You find out who truly loves you and supports you.  You find out who just ignores you and your losses.  Those people who have chosen not to step up and be a true friend during this time for us, can just go away.  I don't need them.  God has showed me it isn't the amount of friends you have that matters, but how far those friends will go to help you and love you and support you.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought.  NOT because of my strength, but Because God strengthens me.  Through each struggle and trial God brings me through, my faith and my understandings grow.  I praise God for the trials, and ask God to let me use them to help others who walk the path after me.

I miss my Sweet Angels that are no longer with me.  God took them back so early for a reason.  One that I will probably never understand this side of Heaven.  But it is on the list of questions, I would like to ask God when I get to Heaven.  I miss my Dad, but I know that he is in a better place now.  He is healthy and no longer sick and in pain.  But I also believe that some things (usually sad ones) have to happen in order for better things to come.

One example of that is this:  When I was around 21ish, I still lived at home.  I worked as a Nanny for 3 precious girls.  I was dating (I think engaged at this point) to a guy named Michael.  My dad wasn't sick yet.  I was going to school to learn how to run a daycare.  Michael and I broke up at the end of September.  I knew it was coming.  I could feel God telling me, he isn't the guy for you, he isn't the man I want you to marry.  It hurt so bad, until one day when he came over to help me fix my tire.  He had clothes in the back of his mustang (he trade his truck in for this after we broke up).  I asked why he had clothes in his car.  He tried to ignore the question, but finally told me he slept over at a friends house after a party (aka - he was sleeping with another girl already).  We hadn't even been broke up a month yet.  Anyways, it was what I needed to let go.

Fast forward to the end of December.  I was dating some here and there.  But had made a promise to myself, that I would not have sex with anyone again (Michael was my 1st and only) until I got married.   I got a cold or something and my dad thought he had gotten it too.  On Jan. 1, 1999, we took my Dad to the ER.  My mom and I sat there and waited and waited.  I was dating another guy named Michael who also drove a mustang.  I was calling him and taking to him about my dad and that I was scared.  He seemed to care.  That was until my Dad was dying, then he just dropped me.  I learned something from all that: guys named Michael and drive mustang's are usually jerks.  I dated 3 of them and all of them jerks.

We learned that night that if we hadn't taken my Dad to the ER he would have been dead the next day.  We found out he had cancer, and it was wrapped around his organs.  They believed they got it all and he would be in the hospital for a couple weeks.  Long story short, my dad was in and out of the hospital from Jan. - May.  I learned during that period that I needed to forgive my Dad and just love him.  I did my best to take care of him, while watching him get sicker and sicker.  He was fading away.  We took him back to the hospital around the end of April.  He would never come home.  He was giving up and God was letting him.  My Dad wanted to go home, he wanted to go see God.

During this 5 months, while I was losing my dad, I learned allot.  My Cousin, was engaged (she told him she wanted a divorce right before their 7th Anniversary), my Boyfriend Michael that I was engaged too, got his girlfriend pregnant and was marrying her (I was thanking God with everything I had, that this wasn't me!!), that my mom and I needed each other so very much.  We were looking for an apartment to rent.  And that God was going to get me through this and I was going to learn allot about my Faith, my relationship with God, and that he does everything for a reason.

My dad passed away on May 1, 1999.  That was a very sad day, but also a happy day.  Sad, that my dad was gone, but happy to know he was no longer in pain and now with our Heavenly Father.  My mom and I found an apartment, and moved in at the end of May.  I leaned allot on my mom and loved spending time with my 3 girls, I was still a Nanny for.  My mom and I got our 1st computer and Internet in January 2000.  It was my very 1st taste of Internet.

This is what God used to help me meet my Husband to be.  I got an email from "Bolt.com".  It wasn't a dating website, but just a place to meet people and talk.  You would answer the profile questions and then they would match you with some people that shared your interests. I had to do that profile thing 3 times before, I finally got a match.  I got 3 different matches.  One of them my husband and 2 other guys.  I only liked 2 of them.  But God let only one of them really stick out.  And that was my husband.  Funny thing is that I never saw that my Husband lived so far away.  So we started talking my email on this site, and then on our regular email.  Then by phone every day for hours.

We did this until June we we 1st meet in person.  I knew before that (and he did too) we were meant to be.  God used my Dad's death to bring my husband to me.  I know we would have meant another way, if God didn't take my dad.  But I am glad that I trusted God to bring the man into my life that He had made for me. 

In just a couple of days, we will be celebrating our 11th Wedding Anniversary.  I can't believe 11th years.  We have been through allot.  But I am blessed to have him in my life and I'm grateful God made him for me and me for him.

So long story short, sometimes bad things have to happen to have something good come from it.

I have allot of people telling me, your Rainbow Baby will come.  And I know they believe that, but for me.  I believe God is in control.  And if His Will is for us to have another baby, then it will happen.  But I refuse to let myself dwell on that, or plan for it.  It isn't in my control, it is in God's Control.  We will make love when we want and only when we want.  And if God wants us to have a baby, he will do it. 

So every time I start to wonder, worry, or fear that we will never have another baby.  I will. remind myself, it is not up to me.  I am not in control.  It is in God's Hands and in God's Control.  Right were it should be.

So yes, I do pray for a better 2012.  But I also pray that God will continue to help me grow and become more like Jesus everyday.  And God will continue to lead me, speak to me, and guide me every day of my life.  That God will protect my family and my real friends.  And that God will let me use Isaac's and Sweet Pea's short life to bring unsaved souls to God.

I pray that this year will be all that God has planned for you!

Christi