I wish...

I wish I could say, I've read the whole bible and I know everything I need to know about God.  I wish I could say that I am a perfect Christian and that I never sin.  I wish I could say that I have a one on one conversation with God all the time.  I wish I could say that I have all the answers.  But of course I don't.

I have never read the entire bible, not once.  Not proud of that either.  I started one year with a "One Year Bible".  I had every intention of reading it every day.  I did good for about 3 months, and then one thing after another kept me from doing it and now 3 or 4 years later, still haven't finished it.  Why is that?  I am not sure.  I love reading and can finish a book pretty quickly.  So I can't figure out why I can't finish the Bible.  I have the desire and the want.  I've tried just reading a book at a time.  But that last a couple days.  So it is definally something I need to keep praying about and would be grateful if you would pray with me.

I am by far not a perfect Christian.  The only perfect Person that walked this Earth, is Christ.  He showed us how to live.  He showed us how to love.  He showed us what it means to lay or life down for another.  He is our model.  He is my Savior!

I do have a one on one conversation with God.  Not always every day.  But God is on my speed dial.  I have learned more with time and the stresses and trials of life to turn to God 1st.  I am still by far a work in process on this.  Allot of our conversations result in me crying.  Not because God is mean, but because I realize how much I have strayed and need God.  I realize that I have once again pushed my Will denied God to show me what I need.  Instead I am telling God what I need and demanding it.  I find myself ashamed and so lost.  I cry because I hear God telling me.  I forgive you my child.  We will start again.  I am in control and you just follow me.  I will show you what I want you to do and you will be blessed with what I have for you in MY TIME.  I love you my child, and want you to trust me!

I have been known to put my foot in my mouth many times.  I have said something to just start an argument.  I have picked sides and not be nice.  Over the years, I have learned that is not a good idea.  I have learned that so doesn't make God Happy.  And it doesn't make me happy or feel good.

But what hurts, is when I get a call or email asking or accusing me of shaming someone with a comment I posted or talking about someone behind their back with a post.  Makes me feel hurt when it so not correct.  Thankfully this blog is not getting that opinion.  But my other blog did.  And I guess it was my own fault.  I did write about a couple people, thing was, it wasn't about the same people accusing me.  And then the post that was shaming the other person.  I was honestly just trying to be nice.  I didn't mean it like they took it.  And it hurt that they took it that way.  We are very good friends, and I would never want to shame her or anyone.  So I did the only thing I knew to do.  I deleted my comment.  I told her after she called, that is never what I meant and I am sorry if it came off that way.  I had just learned a couple days before that you could get thrown out for what I thought she had done.  So I honestly was just trying to be a friend and warn her.  I am learning to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything.  Maybe then, I won't offend anyone and won't piss anyone off.

It's hard when you are trying to be the best you can be.  And do things to help people.  But instead you come off as pissy and rude.  It makes you wonder if anything your doing is helping.  And that is so hard when you are like me.  You live to help other people.  You love giving back and being a support to others.  Just sucks.  I'm learning to sit back and wait to reply to emails and/ fb instead of responding right away.  I need to stop and pray about how to respond in a Godly way.  Because fb and email are very touchy.  You can say something and mean it one way, and the person on the other side can take it a whole different way.  In return causing a huge fight and sometimes the end of the friendship.

You will learn and I will never try to pretend that I am perfect or without fault.  I am.  I will probably say some stupid stuff and piss people off here.  But know that will NEVER be my intention.  I want this blog to be uplifting, positive, helpful, and safe.  I will be open, honest, and transparent about my losses and grieving.


Christi