Can't Believe it

I can't believe it's almost been 6 months since I said good-bye to Isaac and almost 3 months since I said good-bye to Sweet Pea.

January 18th, it will be 6 month since I saw my Sweet baby lifeless on the sonogram screen.  January 21st, will be 6 months since I delivered my Sweet Angel.

January 24th, will be 3 months since we saw our Sweet Pea for the 1st and last time, with no heart beat.  January 25th, will be 3 months since I passed my Sweet Angel and said good bye.

Such sadness in such a short amount of time.  My Sweet Twins will be 8 on January 19th, but it is also the 3rd Anniversary of my friend's Husband death.  He passed away in 2009 unexpectially.  I can't imagine losing my husband.  Behind God, he is my rock. 

It still doesn't seem real at times.  That I have lost 2 babies.  That I have 2 babies that I will never hold this side of Heaven.

I got to talk about them again today.  I was at an ARD meeting for 2 of my kids.  And I was asked how many kids I had.  I said 5 here with me and 2 in Heaven.  It gave me a chance to talk about my Isaac and Sweet Pea.  It gave me a chance to share my Faith.  It also gave the women asking a chance to talk about her miscarriage.  I had meet her once last year, and never knew she had a miscarriage.  And she was taken back by the fact that she felt so comfortable talking to me about it and other things we talked about.  I was glad she felt as ease talking to me.  And I was honored and blessed to share the same God with her and the same Faith.  It is an awesome thing to be able to talk to another believer about similar losses.

It warms my heart to be able to talk about my Angels.  My Sweet Babies in Heaven.  I love when people ask about them by name.  They have a name, they aren't just my angels.  They are and always will be my children.  They may not be able to live in our home, or join us on a vacation.  But they will always be a big part of our family!!  They will always be our kids.  They are waiting for us in Heaven.  They are excited to see us loving on the kids we have here, and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven when God calls us home.

It still and I am sure will forever break my heart, that I will never experience all the wonderful 1st with Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I will never get to hold them for the 1st time, look into their eyes, and smell their hair after a bath.  I will never get to buy their 1st Birthday Cake, or see their 1st steps.  So many things that will never happen.

But I know that was God's Will.  It was God's Will for Isaac and Sweet Pea to leave us early.  Why I will probably never know this side of Heaven.  But I trust and believe there was a reason.

I have faith and trust God will continue to carry us through the tough times.  Because as some days are easier, there will still be hard days ahead.  Like when I see pregnant women.  That is still so very hard.  I was to just run.  They don't know, that seeing their bellies makes me heart break.  Nor do I know if they have ever experienced what I have lost.  I don't judge them, but I do know for now, I can't be in the same room for too long.  Just to hard and painful right now.

So for now, we will continue to trust God to bless our family in his time if it's his Will.  We will not try and control the situation.  We will let God's Will happen in his time.


Christi