Never Once

Have you heard this song?  It is the song called "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  Have you ever just read the lyrics?

Verse 1

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Verse 2

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You've done

Knowing every victory

Is Your power in us

Pre-Chorus

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Chorus 1

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Repeat Verse 2

Repeat Pre-Chorus

Chorus 2

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

What about this song?  It is the song called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Have you read this lyrics?

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

These 2 songs have such a different meaning to me after experiencing 2 miscarriages.  They hit a pain in my heart that is so deep.  So deep that only God can understand.

With the song "Never Once", it reminds me that through the dark pain that hit so hard not once but twice.  That God never left me.  He never told me to suck it up and walk alone.  He never expected me to just get over it and move on.  He wanted me to grieve.  He wanted me to realize that I needed me to carry me.  I needed to cry out to God and ask him to heal me.  I needed to come back to God and realize I can't take a breath without him.  I needed to give control back to him.  I needed to stop telling God what I wanted and what I wanted for my family.  I needed to stop and ask God what he wanted me to do.  What plans did God have for our family.  I have realized that I am so important to God, I am his daughter.  He loves me so very much and wants me to love him with everything I am .

The songs says, Standing on a Mountain Top and seeing how far we've come, knowing with every step God was with us.  I can look back at the last 5 months and see how far God has brought me.  He has brought me through losing 2 babies.  Having to say goodbye to 2 precious angels way too early.  He let my body go into labor twice so that I could pass my babies on my terms and not with a doctor ripping them out of them.  He knew that for me, I needed that.

I can close my eyes and see how much God has changed me.  He has grown my Faith and my strength through sadness and pain.  I can see how God blessed me with true friends that I made along the way.  So that when I went through the toughest storm I'd ever been through, I wouldn't do it alone.

Now with the song "Blessings", it has a different meaning to me.  It hit more with my 1st loss and then made more since with my 2nd.  To me is means this:

1.The rain drops: saying goodbye to both my angel babies

2.Healing through tears:  knowing that God was in control and was holding me and carrying me

thousand sleepless nights: to understand that God's plan is greater than mine.  That His Will is perfect and mine is flawed

3.What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise:  Maybe my babies would not have made it after birth.  Maybe it was God's way of protecting my family from a greater pain

4. What if my greatest disappointments, Or the aching of this life, Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy:  It gives me all more the desire to go and fly away when God calls me home.

It is funny to me how God can use a song that meant one thing to you before a trial to mean something so different on the other end of the pain.  He can use a song to show you his love, his power, and where your falling.  He can use a song to bring you close and show you he's right there.  I love worshipping God with my voice, thankfully God doesn't care if you can sing well.  Because I can't.

I remember telling my Husband many years ago.  That when God called me home, I would have a hard time going.  I would miss my Husband and kids.  I didn't care about anything material or anything.  Just my husband and kids.  But what a loss with do to you.  I told him after we lost Isaac.  That when God calls me home, I'm going.  I'm not turning back or waiting for anyone.  I have 2 babies that I want to see and nothing is stopping me.  I also told him that if I die, to let me die.  Don't let them try and bring me back.  Just let God take me and keep me.  I am happy to be here on earth with my Hubby and Kids until God calls me home.  I will not worry about my Sweet Angels in Heaven.  They are perfect, happy, and well taken care of.  But when God calls me, there's nothing stopping me!  I want to go and see my God.  I want to just sit on his lap and be held.  I want to be held by my Heavenly Father.  Next I want to kneel at the feet of my Jesus.  I want to pour my tears out and thank Jesus for his life that saved mine.  And lastly, I want to see my babies.  I want to see I Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I want to hold them and kiss them and see them face to face for the 1st time.

I started a journal after I lost Isaac.  I haven't written in it much since I started the blog.  I am thinking that I will need to print this blog out at some point and make it into a journal for my children.  I want them to be able to see my journey.

So, I guess that is it for now, 

Christi