Today is a bitter sweet day. It is my 11th Wedding Anniversary to the love of my life. To the missing piece of my life. To my soul mate and the man God made for me.
It is also Isaac's due date. He would have been 9 days old. But instead he is in Heaven. I could have also been about 16 weeks pregnant with Sweet Pea, but lost him/her too. So now I'm empty of babies and missing them terribly. I was crying on the way home tonight from my Twins Group Board meeting. I know they are safe, perfect, and having a blast in Heaven. But I still will forever miss them!
I also think about all the wonderful things that happened on this day. We got married, my friend's Sussana and Matthew had their little girl 6 years ago, my brother's ex-girlfriend had her little boy 3 years ago (not his baby), a mom in my Twins group had her little girl 3 years ago too, and we found out we were expecting my 5th baby 5 years ago.
Allot of great things happened on January 6th!! And I want to think about those things and not that my babies are gone. You have to do that when you have a loss like this. You have to force yourself to think about the positive things and less on the negative things, or you will go crazy. You have to do what will help you survive.
I had a great night out tonight. I left early to go to Mardel's to get a Anniversary gift for my husband. I found quite a few things for him. I wanted something that would really mean something. I gave him a few small things tonight and the rest he'll get tomorrow. Then, I went to a Twins Group Board meeting. It was good to get out and talk to other moms. I was able to share a prayer request and that was good. Then about 4 of us when to a Pub afterwards to just hangout and talk some more. It was so nice. I was able to talk more about Issac and Sweet Pea. It brings joy to my heart to talk about them.
I got a sweet email from a friend, that I saw when I got back to my car. I have asked if I could share some of the email. I am waiting to hear from her. She had come over earlier so I could give back the bible she accidentally put in a box she made us with some special things for Isaac. I also had this package that had like 4 different "Babies 1st Albums" in it. She had given it as a raffle or door prize gift during MOPS several years ago. I had it all this time and was never able to use it. I figure since she had just had her baby a couple months ago. She could use it, so I "regifted it" back to her. I also gave her a blanket that was very dear to my heart. I have crocheted baby blankets since my twins were about a year (so about 7 years now). I love making them and giving them as gifts to my pregnant mommies. I was making a few when I was pregnant with Isaac. I made couple girl ones and had made a boy blanket and working on a second one when I found out we lost him. I finally finished it a couple months later.
The one that I had made especially for Isaac was a special one. It takes longer and I have to count each line. I use to different colors, and do about 5 to 10 lines each and then change colors and so on. It was blue and green with a white boarder. I wish I had taken a picture so I could show you. I didn't think twice about giving it to her. I knew Isaac would want me to give it to someone with a Little Boy. So that way, it could be put to good use. I had made one for each of her 4 last babies (including this one). She said her 5th child, another boy, age 2 1/2 still sleeps with his. Like I said, I love making and giving this blankets. I love seeing people's faces when they see them and find out their handmade. It feels my heart with joy.
I gave another friend of mine, a girl blanket about a month ago. I missed her shower due to losing Isaac, I wasn't ready to go. I was able to go one afternoon and hold her sweet little girl. I gave her the blanket I had made for her daughter. Her older daughter, age 4, also has a blanket that I made. She still sleeps with hers. I love hearing that!! That the babies grow up to kids and still love them. I haven't made any since I lost Sweet Pea. Just not up to making them right now. I am hoping to start up soon.
I know today will be hard, but I have 5 precious kids that will make my heart fill with joy and over flow this morning when I see them in a bit before 4 of them go to school. So I will be grateful for what I have and not want for what I don't.
Christi
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