6 Months

Yesterday was 6 months since we lost Isaac.  We said Goodbye to our Son, Isaac's little body. His Sweet Spirit was already in Heaven. We miss him everyday, but rejoice knowing we WILL see Him again. Until then he gets to play with his brother/sister in Heaven having a blast. And the rest of us will continue to miss him and look forward to spending the rest of eternity with them both when God calls each of us home!


I can't believe that it's been 6 month.  Some day's it feels like forever and others like just yesterday.  I miss my babies so very much!  But I know that my babies are watching me and their Daddy and brothers and sister here.  And they know they'll see us once again.  And when God calls us all home, then we will all be together forever.

I love my God.  I will never be mad or upset for long for the sad things that God allows in my life.  That includes letting my 2 babies leave us so early.  I know God has a reason.  He has a perfect plan.  I want his plan, and that includes and mean that if my 2 babies had to leave early according to his plan.  Because I know God's plan and Will is perfect and mine is not.

I am not perfect.  I am a sinner.  I need God.  I want God.  I know God, but believe me, I have so much more to learn.  I love Jesus.  I have Jesus in my Heart.  I am a believer.  And I am saved.  I know where I am going when God calls me home, do you?  If you don't, ask me.  I love my God, and I want everyone to know about my God.  There is only one way to get into Heaven.  It is through Jesus.  He died for all of us.  He died for us to so that we could be granted into Heaven.  Jesus died on the cross for my sin and for your sin.  Jesus was perfect, and he took the punishment for our Sin.  See any "sin"  is punishable by death.  But instead of letting us take that punishment, God came to earth in the form of Man and God.  He took the form of a baby, and then as a Man took our Sin and our death.  So that we would be able to be forgiven.  We would be able to go to Heaven.  Without Jesus, we would not have a way.  Jesus is our way, the light.  I owe everything I am and have to Jesus. 

Anyways, I am not perfect with words by any means.  I just know that I love my God so very much!!

Christi

Can't Believe it

I can't believe it's almost been 6 months since I said good-bye to Isaac and almost 3 months since I said good-bye to Sweet Pea.

January 18th, it will be 6 month since I saw my Sweet baby lifeless on the sonogram screen.  January 21st, will be 6 months since I delivered my Sweet Angel.

January 24th, will be 3 months since we saw our Sweet Pea for the 1st and last time, with no heart beat.  January 25th, will be 3 months since I passed my Sweet Angel and said good bye.

Such sadness in such a short amount of time.  My Sweet Twins will be 8 on January 19th, but it is also the 3rd Anniversary of my friend's Husband death.  He passed away in 2009 unexpectially.  I can't imagine losing my husband.  Behind God, he is my rock. 

It still doesn't seem real at times.  That I have lost 2 babies.  That I have 2 babies that I will never hold this side of Heaven.

I got to talk about them again today.  I was at an ARD meeting for 2 of my kids.  And I was asked how many kids I had.  I said 5 here with me and 2 in Heaven.  It gave me a chance to talk about my Isaac and Sweet Pea.  It gave me a chance to share my Faith.  It also gave the women asking a chance to talk about her miscarriage.  I had meet her once last year, and never knew she had a miscarriage.  And she was taken back by the fact that she felt so comfortable talking to me about it and other things we talked about.  I was glad she felt as ease talking to me.  And I was honored and blessed to share the same God with her and the same Faith.  It is an awesome thing to be able to talk to another believer about similar losses.

It warms my heart to be able to talk about my Angels.  My Sweet Babies in Heaven.  I love when people ask about them by name.  They have a name, they aren't just my angels.  They are and always will be my children.  They may not be able to live in our home, or join us on a vacation.  But they will always be a big part of our family!!  They will always be our kids.  They are waiting for us in Heaven.  They are excited to see us loving on the kids we have here, and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven when God calls us home.

It still and I am sure will forever break my heart, that I will never experience all the wonderful 1st with Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I will never get to hold them for the 1st time, look into their eyes, and smell their hair after a bath.  I will never get to buy their 1st Birthday Cake, or see their 1st steps.  So many things that will never happen.

But I know that was God's Will.  It was God's Will for Isaac and Sweet Pea to leave us early.  Why I will probably never know this side of Heaven.  But I trust and believe there was a reason.

I have faith and trust God will continue to carry us through the tough times.  Because as some days are easier, there will still be hard days ahead.  Like when I see pregnant women.  That is still so very hard.  I was to just run.  They don't know, that seeing their bellies makes me heart break.  Nor do I know if they have ever experienced what I have lost.  I don't judge them, but I do know for now, I can't be in the same room for too long.  Just to hard and painful right now.

So for now, we will continue to trust God to bless our family in his time if it's his Will.  We will not try and control the situation.  We will let God's Will happen in his time.


Christi

Sometimes it can be so lonely

Why is it when you have a miscarriage, that people seem to just fade away?  They don't call, they don't email, or fb you anymore.  It is such a lonely thing,  They tell you their praying, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. 

People seem to just fade away, into the unknown.  They stop checking on you.  They stop asking  They stop making you feel like they care.  They expect you to just pick up the picks and move on.  But it doesn't work like that.  How do you pick up the pieces of losing a baby, much less 2 and just move on.  It feels like their telling you to move on and your leaving your Sweet Angels behind.  I can't do that.

I am doing better with the day to day stuff.  Things are getting done.  I am getting out more, and having some fun.  We are doing more things as a family and enjoying our time together.  I am learning to trust God and leave my future in his hands.

I just people would show they care more.  Call, email, or fb.  Come and hang out with me.  Do something and show you mean it.  I know I am not alone with feeling like this.  I think losing a baby is such a lonely sadness.  People just don't understand.  What we lost was not just a person, it was our baby.

I pray that God will continue to heal my heart and continue to carry me through this journey.  I can't do it without God  I can't breath without God giving it to me.  God is my passion.

As far as the blood work my OB had done to see if we can find out why we've lost 2 babies, we're not getting allot of answers.  Most things are showing up as negative, which is awesome.  And a couple things that are showing up positive aren't big because they aren't showing up with other symptoms that would give us cause to worry.  God is answering our prayers by showing us so far, that nothing has caused the miscarriages.  Why is that good?  Because that means we shouldn't have anything to worry about.  That means that the miscarriages was a God thing.  God has a reason for letting our Angels leave so soon.  And it isn't caused by something my body is doing or not doing.

That gives me peace.  I've had allot of peace through the waiting process.  We've got more blood work to do and waiting on answers.  And I still am waiting to see my OB on Feb. 1, 2012.  We'll see if he can give me anymore answers.  But for now, we're told when we're ready to start trying to stop preventing it.  We can.  So that is good.

So that is about it.  Just feeling lonely.  But I am grateful for the few true friends that still show they care.  And I blessed to have a God that never lets me go!

Christi

I wish...

I wish I could say, I've read the whole bible and I know everything I need to know about God.  I wish I could say that I am a perfect Christian and that I never sin.  I wish I could say that I have a one on one conversation with God all the time.  I wish I could say that I have all the answers.  But of course I don't.

I have never read the entire bible, not once.  Not proud of that either.  I started one year with a "One Year Bible".  I had every intention of reading it every day.  I did good for about 3 months, and then one thing after another kept me from doing it and now 3 or 4 years later, still haven't finished it.  Why is that?  I am not sure.  I love reading and can finish a book pretty quickly.  So I can't figure out why I can't finish the Bible.  I have the desire and the want.  I've tried just reading a book at a time.  But that last a couple days.  So it is definally something I need to keep praying about and would be grateful if you would pray with me.

I am by far not a perfect Christian.  The only perfect Person that walked this Earth, is Christ.  He showed us how to live.  He showed us how to love.  He showed us what it means to lay or life down for another.  He is our model.  He is my Savior!

I do have a one on one conversation with God.  Not always every day.  But God is on my speed dial.  I have learned more with time and the stresses and trials of life to turn to God 1st.  I am still by far a work in process on this.  Allot of our conversations result in me crying.  Not because God is mean, but because I realize how much I have strayed and need God.  I realize that I have once again pushed my Will denied God to show me what I need.  Instead I am telling God what I need and demanding it.  I find myself ashamed and so lost.  I cry because I hear God telling me.  I forgive you my child.  We will start again.  I am in control and you just follow me.  I will show you what I want you to do and you will be blessed with what I have for you in MY TIME.  I love you my child, and want you to trust me!

I have been known to put my foot in my mouth many times.  I have said something to just start an argument.  I have picked sides and not be nice.  Over the years, I have learned that is not a good idea.  I have learned that so doesn't make God Happy.  And it doesn't make me happy or feel good.

But what hurts, is when I get a call or email asking or accusing me of shaming someone with a comment I posted or talking about someone behind their back with a post.  Makes me feel hurt when it so not correct.  Thankfully this blog is not getting that opinion.  But my other blog did.  And I guess it was my own fault.  I did write about a couple people, thing was, it wasn't about the same people accusing me.  And then the post that was shaming the other person.  I was honestly just trying to be nice.  I didn't mean it like they took it.  And it hurt that they took it that way.  We are very good friends, and I would never want to shame her or anyone.  So I did the only thing I knew to do.  I deleted my comment.  I told her after she called, that is never what I meant and I am sorry if it came off that way.  I had just learned a couple days before that you could get thrown out for what I thought she had done.  So I honestly was just trying to be a friend and warn her.  I am learning to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything.  Maybe then, I won't offend anyone and won't piss anyone off.

It's hard when you are trying to be the best you can be.  And do things to help people.  But instead you come off as pissy and rude.  It makes you wonder if anything your doing is helping.  And that is so hard when you are like me.  You live to help other people.  You love giving back and being a support to others.  Just sucks.  I'm learning to sit back and wait to reply to emails and/ fb instead of responding right away.  I need to stop and pray about how to respond in a Godly way.  Because fb and email are very touchy.  You can say something and mean it one way, and the person on the other side can take it a whole different way.  In return causing a huge fight and sometimes the end of the friendship.

You will learn and I will never try to pretend that I am perfect or without fault.  I am.  I will probably say some stupid stuff and piss people off here.  But know that will NEVER be my intention.  I want this blog to be uplifting, positive, helpful, and safe.  I will be open, honest, and transparent about my losses and grieving.


Christi

I wanted to share all the things we have been blessed with after the Loss of Isaac.  I had a couple friends give me some very sweet gifts to put in his Memory Box.  I haven't gotten a box yet.  Just not not ready to do it.

But I want to share pictures of the gifts we received.  We didn't get anything with Sweet Pea, but I guess people view it differently because we lost him/her at 7 weeks, as where we lost Isaac at 15 1/2 weeks. 

And that's another thing.  Why is it different to people when you lose your baby at 5 weeks or 19 weeks.  There isn't a difference!  A baby is a baby no matter when you lose the baby.  Yes, for me losing my baby at 16 weeks was harder than at 7 weeks.  Maybe it was also that I had been through it 14 weeks before.  But it was harder for me the farther along I was.  But for people to judge and decide that if you lose your baby at 5 weeks you don't need the same love, support, and understanding then someone who loses their baby at 15, 16, or 20 weeks is just wrong.  We all need love, support, and understanding that we're hurting and grieving a baby we will never see.

Now moms that lose a baby after 20 weeks and have to have a funeral, I just can't imagine.  I was grateful that we didn't have to do that.  I am not sure I would be able to get through that.  But there shouldn't be a rule based  on when they lose their baby.  Everyone needs it and people should continue to be there for them until the mom is ready to move on.  Not just because people think they should be ready to move on.  It is so painful to see people just fading away when they start to forget your loss, their lives get to busy to check in, and so on.  They have all the excuses in the world not to keep caring.  It wasn't there baby, it wasn't their family.  And even family just quites caring too.  And let me tell you it sucks!!  To know that people don't care anymore, and they can't be bothered to ask you how your doing anymore (and if they do, they really don't want to really know).

It is very frustrating to live in a world with people who are so self-aborsed.  It happens at church too.  Our church family starts to forget and not care anymore.  They don't ask, they don't call, they stop emailing.  They just expect you to move on and get over it.  When you ask for prayer because the "due date" is coming and Christmas is coming, they don't seem to get the pain your feeling.  It isn't the same as losing a parent, friend, or another family member.  A child is something so different.  The pain is something unimaginable.   To me, the only thing harder than grieving a child is losing a spouse. 

I have a friend that lost her husband almost 2 years ago.  I can't imagine that!  She has 2 children, around early teenagers.  She amazes me, with her strength.  She sent me a Christmas Card this year.  The 1st one I have ever gotten from her.  She sent it because she knew I am grieving the loss of my baby.  She doesn't know yet about Sweet Pea.  It touched my heart so very much!!  It made me cry that in her pain of celebrating her 2nd Christmas without her Husband, she was thinking of me.  That is a true Christian person.  And I believe people could learn allot from her!

So that is my rant for now. Here are the pictures of the gifts we were given.

This was a prayer blanker I was given by a lady in my Bible Study group.  I was pregnant with Isaac and it was when I started bleeding at 5 1/2 weeks and put on bed rest.

It had 3 different verses on it.

My good friend, Chaunnessey, gave me this little baby doll.  It is a very special baby.  It is about the size Isaac would have been at about 14 weeks.  It is so precious!

I wanted to show just how small this baby is.  The paper is a normal 8 X 13 inch paper.  The baby is just so small.

My friend, Tessa, gave me a special box a couple days before we would have taken Isaac.  We had taken a friendship break because she was pregnant.  And it was just too hard for me to see her and know she was pregnant.  But even though I had asked her for a break, she still loved me enough to give us something so special.

This was a little card, my friend Tessa gave me.  I'll write what was in it at the end of this post.  It made me cry.

A cross for Isaac from Tessa

A Burp Cloth for Isaac, from Tessa.  It has Isaac's name and birthday on it.

A close up view.

My friend Karen, had made a Baby Blanket for Isaac when I was pregnant.  When we found out we lost Isaac she gave the blanket she made for him, to her daughter.  She asked if I would like a smaller version of the blanket.  And of course I said yes.   She also wrote a poem to go with it.  I'll add the poem at the end of the post as well.

We figured this would have been big enough to wrap Isaac in.  I put it on the same paper as the baby.  Just to give you an idea on how small the blanket is.

This is the poem that my friend Tessa, wrote in the card.   It was so beatuiful and made me cry.

When little ones leave us we seem to think,

Their lives were somehow incomplete,

Yet, we may not see the role they play

In helping someone else see the way.

Who knows what blessing their life may bring,

Though seemingly such a tragic thing.

For maybe some lost soul will see

His deperate need of Calvary.

This A mom might begin to reasure her role

As she realizes her investment in a soul.

Maybe a dad will spend more time

Making memories versus spending a dime.

Maybe a sibling will stop to pray

Before choosing unkind words to say.

Maybe hurt feelings will begin to mend

To secure their bond with a friend.

Who knows the impact a life can make;

There is purpose for Heaven's sake.

So though we hate to say goodbye;

We know that Jesus now holds you nigh!

This is the poem my friend, Karen, wrote to go along with the blanket she made for Isaac's special box.

“Unraveled”

Written by Karen

Once there was a ball of yarn that started perfect as can be,

Purchased to make a gift for a little baby yet to be.

The maker started crocheting an afgan; made with love and from the heart,

Only to discover that the yarn’s threads had unraveled apart.

Once there was a baby, who started perfect as can be.

He was prayed for and deeply longed for; to be part of a special family tree.

The Maker was knitting the baby together in his mother’s womb, right from the start,

Only to discover the ceasing of the little child’s beating heart.

Once there was a baby who was planned for with faith, hope and a prayer

Planned for by his parents, who could not wait to have him there.

The Maker’s plans were different than what all would have hoped,

For plans for the baby’s arrival soon unraveled like a rope.

For when life’s plans unravel and things won’t turn out like we thought they should,

Our Maker’s ever planning to work all things for our good.

For our Maker is the one who takes every unraveled part

And, is the only one who can mend all that has unraveled, even a broken heart.

Christi

A Bitter Sweet Day

Today is a bitter sweet day.  It is my 11th Wedding Anniversary to the love of my life.  To the missing piece of my life.  To my soul mate and the man God made for me. 

It is also Isaac's due date.  He would have been 9 days old.  But instead he is in Heaven.  I could have also been about 16 weeks pregnant with Sweet Pea, but lost him/her too.  So now I'm empty of babies and missing them terribly.  I was crying on the way home tonight from my Twins Group Board meeting.  I know they are safe, perfect, and having a blast in Heaven.  But I still will forever miss them!

I also think about all the wonderful things that happened on this day.  We got married, my friend's Sussana and Matthew had their little girl 6 years ago, my brother's ex-girlfriend had her little boy 3 years ago (not his baby), a mom in my Twins group had her little girl 3 years ago too, and we found out we were expecting my 5th baby 5 years ago.

Allot of great things happened on January 6th!!  And I want to think about those things and not that my babies are gone.  You have to do that when you have a loss like this.  You have to force yourself to think about the positive things and less on the negative things, or you will go crazy.  You have to do what will help you survive.

I had a great night out tonight.  I left early to go to Mardel's to get a Anniversary gift for my husband.  I found quite a few things for him.  I wanted something that would really mean something.  I gave him a few small things tonight and the rest he'll get tomorrow.  Then, I went to a Twins Group Board meeting.  It was good to get out and talk to other moms.  I was able to share a prayer request and that was good.  Then about 4 of us when to a Pub afterwards to just hangout and talk some more.  It was so nice.  I was able to talk more about Issac and Sweet Pea.  It brings joy to my heart to talk about them.

I got a sweet email from a friend, that I saw when I got back to my car.  I have asked if I could share some of the email.  I am waiting to hear from her. She had come over earlier so I could give back the bible she accidentally put in a box she made us with some special things for Isaac.  I also had this package that had like 4 different "Babies 1st Albums" in it.  She had given it as a raffle or door prize gift during MOPS several years ago.  I had it all this time and was never able to use it.  I figure since she had just had her baby a couple months ago.  She could use it, so I "regifted it" back to her.  I also gave her a blanket that was very dear to my heart.  I have crocheted baby blankets since my twins were about a year (so about 7 years now).  I love making them and giving them as gifts to my pregnant mommies.  I was making a few when I was pregnant with Isaac.  I made couple girl ones and had made a boy blanket and working on a second one when I found out we lost him. I finally finished it a couple months later.

The one that I had made especially for Isaac was a special one.  It takes longer and I have to count each line.  I use to different colors, and do about 5 to 10 lines each and then change colors and so on.  It was blue and green with a white boarder.  I wish I had taken a picture so I could show you.  I didn't think twice about giving it to her.  I knew Isaac would want me to give it to someone with a Little Boy.  So that way, it could be put to good use.  I had made one for each of her 4 last babies (including this one).  She said her 5th child, another boy, age 2 1/2 still sleeps with his.  Like I said, I love making and giving this blankets.  I love seeing people's faces when they see them and find out their handmade.  It feels my heart with joy.

I gave another friend of mine, a girl blanket about a month ago.  I missed her shower due to losing Isaac, I wasn't ready to go.  I was able to go one afternoon and hold her sweet little girl.  I gave her the blanket I had made for her daughter.  Her older daughter, age 4, also has a blanket that I made.  She still sleeps with hers.  I love hearing that!!  That the babies grow up to kids and still love them.  I haven't made any since I lost Sweet Pea.  Just not up to making them right now.  I am hoping to start up soon.

I know today will be hard, but I have 5 precious kids that will make my heart fill with joy and over flow this morning when I see them in a bit before 4 of them go to school.  So I will be grateful for what I have and not want for what I don't.

Christi

Sometimes it's so hard....

Sometimes it so hard not to think why is God answering their prayers so much faster than mine.  I wanted a healthy baby, but God said "not this time" when he answered "yes" to so many others.  We could use a bigger house, but God keeps telling us "not yet", when others he says "yes".  But as Christians we are not to go there.  We are not to compare ourselves to others.

So that is where I am.  I am praying and asking God to make Satan stop whispering in my ear, to be discontent with what I have.  And asking God to help me see all that I have.  Because I truly have allot.  I have 5 precious Earth Angels and 2 Heavenly Angels I will see one day.  I have a Husband that loves me and we've been married 11 years tomorrow.  I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat.  My husband has been at the same job for 11 years and continues to do good and move up.

So honestly, I have allot.  I've done really well, through both miscarriages not to ask God "why me", because then I would be telling God why wasn't it someone else.  You don't wish a miscarriage on anyone!  God will answer my prayers in His Time and not mine.  His Will is better than anytime I could ever wish for.  And if I am patience and just wait for God, I will get everything he has for us.  So I will continue to wait and just trust God. 

I remember when my oldest when just about 6 months old.  I joined a MOPS Group in my town.  I remember it was then, that I learned to look into the person and not to wish for what they had that I didn't.  Because it always came with a price.  They might have more kids than me, but they were always getting sick.  A bigger house, but it was falling apart.  They seemed to so happy, but inside they were falling apart.  Their marriages broken, kids had issues, and so much more.  It was then, that I realized that I had allot.  I was grateful for the one child I had (and just prayed that God would bless us with more in His time), we had a working car, a house, and hubby had a job.  So many people were losing their jobs at that point, cars braking down, and people were losing their houses.  We were truly blessed.

So now, I find myself having to go back to that thinking,  I need to look beyond what they brag about and see what their hiding behind their closed doors.  Then and only then do you realize all that you truly have.


Christi

Never Once

Have you heard this song?  It is the song called "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  Have you ever just read the lyrics?

Verse 1

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Verse 2

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You've done

Knowing every victory

Is Your power in us

Pre-Chorus

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Chorus 1

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Repeat Verse 2

Repeat Pre-Chorus

Chorus 2

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

What about this song?  It is the song called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Have you read this lyrics?

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

These 2 songs have such a different meaning to me after experiencing 2 miscarriages.  They hit a pain in my heart that is so deep.  So deep that only God can understand.

With the song "Never Once", it reminds me that through the dark pain that hit so hard not once but twice.  That God never left me.  He never told me to suck it up and walk alone.  He never expected me to just get over it and move on.  He wanted me to grieve.  He wanted me to realize that I needed me to carry me.  I needed to cry out to God and ask him to heal me.  I needed to come back to God and realize I can't take a breath without him.  I needed to give control back to him.  I needed to stop telling God what I wanted and what I wanted for my family.  I needed to stop and ask God what he wanted me to do.  What plans did God have for our family.  I have realized that I am so important to God, I am his daughter.  He loves me so very much and wants me to love him with everything I am .

The songs says, Standing on a Mountain Top and seeing how far we've come, knowing with every step God was with us.  I can look back at the last 5 months and see how far God has brought me.  He has brought me through losing 2 babies.  Having to say goodbye to 2 precious angels way too early.  He let my body go into labor twice so that I could pass my babies on my terms and not with a doctor ripping them out of them.  He knew that for me, I needed that.

I can close my eyes and see how much God has changed me.  He has grown my Faith and my strength through sadness and pain.  I can see how God blessed me with true friends that I made along the way.  So that when I went through the toughest storm I'd ever been through, I wouldn't do it alone.

Now with the song "Blessings", it has a different meaning to me.  It hit more with my 1st loss and then made more since with my 2nd.  To me is means this:

1.The rain drops: saying goodbye to both my angel babies

2.Healing through tears:  knowing that God was in control and was holding me and carrying me

thousand sleepless nights: to understand that God's plan is greater than mine.  That His Will is perfect and mine is flawed

3.What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise:  Maybe my babies would not have made it after birth.  Maybe it was God's way of protecting my family from a greater pain

4. What if my greatest disappointments, Or the aching of this life, Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy:  It gives me all more the desire to go and fly away when God calls me home.

It is funny to me how God can use a song that meant one thing to you before a trial to mean something so different on the other end of the pain.  He can use a song to show you his love, his power, and where your falling.  He can use a song to bring you close and show you he's right there.  I love worshipping God with my voice, thankfully God doesn't care if you can sing well.  Because I can't.

I remember telling my Husband many years ago.  That when God called me home, I would have a hard time going.  I would miss my Husband and kids.  I didn't care about anything material or anything.  Just my husband and kids.  But what a loss with do to you.  I told him after we lost Isaac.  That when God calls me home, I'm going.  I'm not turning back or waiting for anyone.  I have 2 babies that I want to see and nothing is stopping me.  I also told him that if I die, to let me die.  Don't let them try and bring me back.  Just let God take me and keep me.  I am happy to be here on earth with my Hubby and Kids until God calls me home.  I will not worry about my Sweet Angels in Heaven.  They are perfect, happy, and well taken care of.  But when God calls me, there's nothing stopping me!  I want to go and see my God.  I want to just sit on his lap and be held.  I want to be held by my Heavenly Father.  Next I want to kneel at the feet of my Jesus.  I want to pour my tears out and thank Jesus for his life that saved mine.  And lastly, I want to see my babies.  I want to see I Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I want to hold them and kiss them and see them face to face for the 1st time.

I started a journal after I lost Isaac.  I haven't written in it much since I started the blog.  I am thinking that I will need to print this blog out at some point and make it into a journal for my children.  I want them to be able to see my journey.

So, I guess that is it for now, 

Christi

New Year 2012

So, 2011 wasn't the best year in my life.  We had allot of sad things happen.  Allot of big Anniversary's come up, some happy and some sad.

So let's start at the beginning of 2011:

January:  We celebrated our 10th Wedding Anniversary, Twins turned 7
February: Daughter turned 5, our Van died for the last time
March: Dad would have turned 69, we bought our "New to Us Van"
April: Nothing
May: Marked 12 years since my Dad passed away, found out we were expecting baby #6, was put on bedrest due to bleeding
June: My Oldest turned 9,  Baby #6 continued to grow and get bigger
July: Found out Isaac had passed away
August: I had a birthday, went on our 1st Family Vacation since the twins were born, 4 of my 5 kids started school, youngest turned 4
September: Found out we were expecting baby #7
October: My Mom's Birthday (66), Found out we lost Sweet Pea, My Husband had a Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: My Mom's mom passed away 12 years ago, Christmas, and what would have been Isaac's Birthday

I pray for 2012 to be better.  I pray that I will continue to Pray for God's Will above my own will.  I pray that God will bless us with his Blessings in His Time.  I pray for happiness and no more death.  I pray we will continue to stick to our budget.  I pray that Hubby's Job will continue to be a joy for him.  I pray that Hubby will continue to have his job for many more years to come.

I truly Thank God for the friends that I have still in my life.  After 2 miscarriages, you truly find out who is and isn't your friend.  You find out who truly loves you and supports you.  You find out who just ignores you and your losses.  Those people who have chosen not to step up and be a true friend during this time for us, can just go away.  I don't need them.  God has showed me it isn't the amount of friends you have that matters, but how far those friends will go to help you and love you and support you.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought.  NOT because of my strength, but Because God strengthens me.  Through each struggle and trial God brings me through, my faith and my understandings grow.  I praise God for the trials, and ask God to let me use them to help others who walk the path after me.

I miss my Sweet Angels that are no longer with me.  God took them back so early for a reason.  One that I will probably never understand this side of Heaven.  But it is on the list of questions, I would like to ask God when I get to Heaven.  I miss my Dad, but I know that he is in a better place now.  He is healthy and no longer sick and in pain.  But I also believe that some things (usually sad ones) have to happen in order for better things to come.

One example of that is this:  When I was around 21ish, I still lived at home.  I worked as a Nanny for 3 precious girls.  I was dating (I think engaged at this point) to a guy named Michael.  My dad wasn't sick yet.  I was going to school to learn how to run a daycare.  Michael and I broke up at the end of September.  I knew it was coming.  I could feel God telling me, he isn't the guy for you, he isn't the man I want you to marry.  It hurt so bad, until one day when he came over to help me fix my tire.  He had clothes in the back of his mustang (he trade his truck in for this after we broke up).  I asked why he had clothes in his car.  He tried to ignore the question, but finally told me he slept over at a friends house after a party (aka - he was sleeping with another girl already).  We hadn't even been broke up a month yet.  Anyways, it was what I needed to let go.

Fast forward to the end of December.  I was dating some here and there.  But had made a promise to myself, that I would not have sex with anyone again (Michael was my 1st and only) until I got married.   I got a cold or something and my dad thought he had gotten it too.  On Jan. 1, 1999, we took my Dad to the ER.  My mom and I sat there and waited and waited.  I was dating another guy named Michael who also drove a mustang.  I was calling him and taking to him about my dad and that I was scared.  He seemed to care.  That was until my Dad was dying, then he just dropped me.  I learned something from all that: guys named Michael and drive mustang's are usually jerks.  I dated 3 of them and all of them jerks.

We learned that night that if we hadn't taken my Dad to the ER he would have been dead the next day.  We found out he had cancer, and it was wrapped around his organs.  They believed they got it all and he would be in the hospital for a couple weeks.  Long story short, my dad was in and out of the hospital from Jan. - May.  I learned during that period that I needed to forgive my Dad and just love him.  I did my best to take care of him, while watching him get sicker and sicker.  He was fading away.  We took him back to the hospital around the end of April.  He would never come home.  He was giving up and God was letting him.  My Dad wanted to go home, he wanted to go see God.

During this 5 months, while I was losing my dad, I learned allot.  My Cousin, was engaged (she told him she wanted a divorce right before their 7th Anniversary), my Boyfriend Michael that I was engaged too, got his girlfriend pregnant and was marrying her (I was thanking God with everything I had, that this wasn't me!!), that my mom and I needed each other so very much.  We were looking for an apartment to rent.  And that God was going to get me through this and I was going to learn allot about my Faith, my relationship with God, and that he does everything for a reason.

My dad passed away on May 1, 1999.  That was a very sad day, but also a happy day.  Sad, that my dad was gone, but happy to know he was no longer in pain and now with our Heavenly Father.  My mom and I found an apartment, and moved in at the end of May.  I leaned allot on my mom and loved spending time with my 3 girls, I was still a Nanny for.  My mom and I got our 1st computer and Internet in January 2000.  It was my very 1st taste of Internet.

This is what God used to help me meet my Husband to be.  I got an email from "Bolt.com".  It wasn't a dating website, but just a place to meet people and talk.  You would answer the profile questions and then they would match you with some people that shared your interests. I had to do that profile thing 3 times before, I finally got a match.  I got 3 different matches.  One of them my husband and 2 other guys.  I only liked 2 of them.  But God let only one of them really stick out.  And that was my husband.  Funny thing is that I never saw that my Husband lived so far away.  So we started talking my email on this site, and then on our regular email.  Then by phone every day for hours.

We did this until June we we 1st meet in person.  I knew before that (and he did too) we were meant to be.  God used my Dad's death to bring my husband to me.  I know we would have meant another way, if God didn't take my dad.  But I am glad that I trusted God to bring the man into my life that He had made for me. 

In just a couple of days, we will be celebrating our 11th Wedding Anniversary.  I can't believe 11th years.  We have been through allot.  But I am blessed to have him in my life and I'm grateful God made him for me and me for him.

So long story short, sometimes bad things have to happen to have something good come from it.

I have allot of people telling me, your Rainbow Baby will come.  And I know they believe that, but for me.  I believe God is in control.  And if His Will is for us to have another baby, then it will happen.  But I refuse to let myself dwell on that, or plan for it.  It isn't in my control, it is in God's Control.  We will make love when we want and only when we want.  And if God wants us to have a baby, he will do it. 

So every time I start to wonder, worry, or fear that we will never have another baby.  I will. remind myself, it is not up to me.  I am not in control.  It is in God's Hands and in God's Control.  Right were it should be.

So yes, I do pray for a better 2012.  But I also pray that God will continue to help me grow and become more like Jesus everyday.  And God will continue to lead me, speak to me, and guide me every day of my life.  That God will protect my family and my real friends.  And that God will let me use Isaac's and Sweet Pea's short life to bring unsaved souls to God.

I pray that this year will be all that God has planned for you!

Christi