Yesterday was 6 months since we lost Isaac. We said Goodbye to our Son, Isaac's little body. His Sweet Spirit was already in Heaven. We miss him everyday, but rejoice knowing we WILL see Him again. Until then he gets to play with his brother/sister in Heaven having a blast. And the rest of us will continue to miss him and look forward to spending the rest of eternity with them both when God calls each of us home!
I can't believe that it's been 6 month. Some day's it feels like forever and others like just yesterday. I miss my babies so very much! But I know that my babies are watching me and their Daddy and brothers and sister here. And they know they'll see us once again. And when God calls us all home, then we will all be together forever.
I love my God. I will never be mad or upset for long for the sad things that God allows in my life. That includes letting my 2 babies leave us so early. I know God has a reason. He has a perfect plan. I want his plan, and that includes and mean that if my 2 babies had to leave early according to his plan. Because I know God's plan and Will is perfect and mine is not.
I am not perfect. I am a sinner. I need God. I want God. I know God, but believe me, I have so much more to learn. I love Jesus. I have Jesus in my Heart. I am a believer. And I am saved. I know where I am going when God calls me home, do you? If you don't, ask me. I love my God, and I want everyone to know about my God. There is only one way to get into Heaven. It is through Jesus. He died for all of us. He died for us to so that we could be granted into Heaven. Jesus died on the cross for my sin and for your sin. Jesus was perfect, and he took the punishment for our Sin. See any "sin" is punishable by death. But instead of letting us take that punishment, God came to earth in the form of Man and God. He took the form of a baby, and then as a Man took our Sin and our death. So that we would be able to be forgiven. We would be able to go to Heaven. Without Jesus, we would not have a way. Jesus is our way, the light. I owe everything I am and have to Jesus.
Anyways, I am not perfect with words by any means. I just know that I love my God so very much!!
Christi
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Can't Believe it
I can't believe it's almost been 6 months since I said good-bye to Isaac and almost 3 months since I said good-bye to Sweet Pea.
January 18th, it will be 6 month since I saw my Sweet baby lifeless on the sonogram screen. January 21st, will be 6 months since I delivered my Sweet Angel.
January 24th, will be 3 months since we saw our Sweet Pea for the 1st and last time, with no heart beat. January 25th, will be 3 months since I passed my Sweet Angel and said good bye.
Such sadness in such a short amount of time. My Sweet Twins will be 8 on January 19th, but it is also the 3rd Anniversary of my friend's Husband death. He passed away in 2009 unexpectially. I can't imagine losing my husband. Behind God, he is my rock.
It still doesn't seem real at times. That I have lost 2 babies. That I have 2 babies that I will never hold this side of Heaven.
I got to talk about them again today. I was at an ARD meeting for 2 of my kids. And I was asked how many kids I had. I said 5 here with me and 2 in Heaven. It gave me a chance to talk about my Isaac and Sweet Pea. It gave me a chance to share my Faith. It also gave the women asking a chance to talk about her miscarriage. I had meet her once last year, and never knew she had a miscarriage. And she was taken back by the fact that she felt so comfortable talking to me about it and other things we talked about. I was glad she felt as ease talking to me. And I was honored and blessed to share the same God with her and the same Faith. It is an awesome thing to be able to talk to another believer about similar losses.
It warms my heart to be able to talk about my Angels. My Sweet Babies in Heaven. I love when people ask about them by name. They have a name, they aren't just my angels. They are and always will be my children. They may not be able to live in our home, or join us on a vacation. But they will always be a big part of our family!! They will always be our kids. They are waiting for us in Heaven. They are excited to see us loving on the kids we have here, and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven when God calls us home.
It still and I am sure will forever break my heart, that I will never experience all the wonderful 1st with Isaac and Sweet Pea. I will never get to hold them for the 1st time, look into their eyes, and smell their hair after a bath. I will never get to buy their 1st Birthday Cake, or see their 1st steps. So many things that will never happen.
But I know that was God's Will. It was God's Will for Isaac and Sweet Pea to leave us early. Why I will probably never know this side of Heaven. But I trust and believe there was a reason.
I have faith and trust God will continue to carry us through the tough times. Because as some days are easier, there will still be hard days ahead. Like when I see pregnant women. That is still so very hard. I was to just run. They don't know, that seeing their bellies makes me heart break. Nor do I know if they have ever experienced what I have lost. I don't judge them, but I do know for now, I can't be in the same room for too long. Just to hard and painful right now.
So for now, we will continue to trust God to bless our family in his time if it's his Will. We will not try and control the situation. We will let God's Will happen in his time.
Christi
January 18th, it will be 6 month since I saw my Sweet baby lifeless on the sonogram screen. January 21st, will be 6 months since I delivered my Sweet Angel.
January 24th, will be 3 months since we saw our Sweet Pea for the 1st and last time, with no heart beat. January 25th, will be 3 months since I passed my Sweet Angel and said good bye.
Such sadness in such a short amount of time. My Sweet Twins will be 8 on January 19th, but it is also the 3rd Anniversary of my friend's Husband death. He passed away in 2009 unexpectially. I can't imagine losing my husband. Behind God, he is my rock.
It still doesn't seem real at times. That I have lost 2 babies. That I have 2 babies that I will never hold this side of Heaven.
I got to talk about them again today. I was at an ARD meeting for 2 of my kids. And I was asked how many kids I had. I said 5 here with me and 2 in Heaven. It gave me a chance to talk about my Isaac and Sweet Pea. It gave me a chance to share my Faith. It also gave the women asking a chance to talk about her miscarriage. I had meet her once last year, and never knew she had a miscarriage. And she was taken back by the fact that she felt so comfortable talking to me about it and other things we talked about. I was glad she felt as ease talking to me. And I was honored and blessed to share the same God with her and the same Faith. It is an awesome thing to be able to talk to another believer about similar losses.
It warms my heart to be able to talk about my Angels. My Sweet Babies in Heaven. I love when people ask about them by name. They have a name, they aren't just my angels. They are and always will be my children. They may not be able to live in our home, or join us on a vacation. But they will always be a big part of our family!! They will always be our kids. They are waiting for us in Heaven. They are excited to see us loving on the kids we have here, and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven when God calls us home.
It still and I am sure will forever break my heart, that I will never experience all the wonderful 1st with Isaac and Sweet Pea. I will never get to hold them for the 1st time, look into their eyes, and smell their hair after a bath. I will never get to buy their 1st Birthday Cake, or see their 1st steps. So many things that will never happen.
But I know that was God's Will. It was God's Will for Isaac and Sweet Pea to leave us early. Why I will probably never know this side of Heaven. But I trust and believe there was a reason.
I have faith and trust God will continue to carry us through the tough times. Because as some days are easier, there will still be hard days ahead. Like when I see pregnant women. That is still so very hard. I was to just run. They don't know, that seeing their bellies makes me heart break. Nor do I know if they have ever experienced what I have lost. I don't judge them, but I do know for now, I can't be in the same room for too long. Just to hard and painful right now.
So for now, we will continue to trust God to bless our family in his time if it's his Will. We will not try and control the situation. We will let God's Will happen in his time.
Christi
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sometimes it can be so lonely
Why is it when you have a miscarriage, that people seem to just fade away? They don't call, they don't email, or fb you anymore. It is such a lonely thing, They tell you their praying, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
People seem to just fade away, into the unknown. They stop checking on you. They stop asking They stop making you feel like they care. They expect you to just pick up the picks and move on. But it doesn't work like that. How do you pick up the pieces of losing a baby, much less 2 and just move on. It feels like their telling you to move on and your leaving your Sweet Angels behind. I can't do that.
I am doing better with the day to day stuff. Things are getting done. I am getting out more, and having some fun. We are doing more things as a family and enjoying our time together. I am learning to trust God and leave my future in his hands.
I just people would show they care more. Call, email, or fb. Come and hang out with me. Do something and show you mean it. I know I am not alone with feeling like this. I think losing a baby is such a lonely sadness. People just don't understand. What we lost was not just a person, it was our baby.
I pray that God will continue to heal my heart and continue to carry me through this journey. I can't do it without God I can't breath without God giving it to me. God is my passion.
As far as the blood work my OB had done to see if we can find out why we've lost 2 babies, we're not getting allot of answers. Most things are showing up as negative, which is awesome. And a couple things that are showing up positive aren't big because they aren't showing up with other symptoms that would give us cause to worry. God is answering our prayers by showing us so far, that nothing has caused the miscarriages. Why is that good? Because that means we shouldn't have anything to worry about. That means that the miscarriages was a God thing. God has a reason for letting our Angels leave so soon. And it isn't caused by something my body is doing or not doing.
That gives me peace. I've had allot of peace through the waiting process. We've got more blood work to do and waiting on answers. And I still am waiting to see my OB on Feb. 1, 2012. We'll see if he can give me anymore answers. But for now, we're told when we're ready to start trying to stop preventing it. We can. So that is good.
So that is about it. Just feeling lonely. But I am grateful for the few true friends that still show they care. And I blessed to have a God that never lets me go!
Christi
People seem to just fade away, into the unknown. They stop checking on you. They stop asking They stop making you feel like they care. They expect you to just pick up the picks and move on. But it doesn't work like that. How do you pick up the pieces of losing a baby, much less 2 and just move on. It feels like their telling you to move on and your leaving your Sweet Angels behind. I can't do that.
I am doing better with the day to day stuff. Things are getting done. I am getting out more, and having some fun. We are doing more things as a family and enjoying our time together. I am learning to trust God and leave my future in his hands.
I just people would show they care more. Call, email, or fb. Come and hang out with me. Do something and show you mean it. I know I am not alone with feeling like this. I think losing a baby is such a lonely sadness. People just don't understand. What we lost was not just a person, it was our baby.
I pray that God will continue to heal my heart and continue to carry me through this journey. I can't do it without God I can't breath without God giving it to me. God is my passion.
As far as the blood work my OB had done to see if we can find out why we've lost 2 babies, we're not getting allot of answers. Most things are showing up as negative, which is awesome. And a couple things that are showing up positive aren't big because they aren't showing up with other symptoms that would give us cause to worry. God is answering our prayers by showing us so far, that nothing has caused the miscarriages. Why is that good? Because that means we shouldn't have anything to worry about. That means that the miscarriages was a God thing. God has a reason for letting our Angels leave so soon. And it isn't caused by something my body is doing or not doing.
That gives me peace. I've had allot of peace through the waiting process. We've got more blood work to do and waiting on answers. And I still am waiting to see my OB on Feb. 1, 2012. We'll see if he can give me anymore answers. But for now, we're told when we're ready to start trying to stop preventing it. We can. So that is good.
So that is about it. Just feeling lonely. But I am grateful for the few true friends that still show they care. And I blessed to have a God that never lets me go!
Christi
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I wish...
I wish I could say, I've read the whole bible and I know everything I need to know about God. I wish I could say that I am a perfect Christian and that I never sin. I wish I could say that I have a one on one conversation with God all the time. I wish I could say that I have all the answers. But of course I don't.
I have never read the entire bible, not once. Not proud of that either. I started one year with a "One Year Bible". I had every intention of reading it every day. I did good for about 3 months, and then one thing after another kept me from doing it and now 3 or 4 years later, still haven't finished it. Why is that? I am not sure. I love reading and can finish a book pretty quickly. So I can't figure out why I can't finish the Bible. I have the desire and the want. I've tried just reading a book at a time. But that last a couple days. So it is definally something I need to keep praying about and would be grateful if you would pray with me.
I am by far not a perfect Christian. The only perfect Person that walked this Earth, is Christ. He showed us how to live. He showed us how to love. He showed us what it means to lay or life down for another. He is our model. He is my Savior!
I do have a one on one conversation with God. Not always every day. But God is on my speed dial. I have learned more with time and the stresses and trials of life to turn to God 1st. I am still by far a work in process on this. Allot of our conversations result in me crying. Not because God is mean, but because I realize how much I have strayed and need God. I realize that I have once again pushed my Will denied God to show me what I need. Instead I am telling God what I need and demanding it. I find myself ashamed and so lost. I cry because I hear God telling me. I forgive you my child. We will start again. I am in control and you just follow me. I will show you what I want you to do and you will be blessed with what I have for you in MY TIME. I love you my child, and want you to trust me!
I have been known to put my foot in my mouth many times. I have said something to just start an argument. I have picked sides and not be nice. Over the years, I have learned that is not a good idea. I have learned that so doesn't make God Happy. And it doesn't make me happy or feel good.
But what hurts, is when I get a call or email asking or accusing me of shaming someone with a comment I posted or talking about someone behind their back with a post. Makes me feel hurt when it so not correct. Thankfully this blog is not getting that opinion. But my other blog did. And I guess it was my own fault. I did write about a couple people, thing was, it wasn't about the same people accusing me. And then the post that was shaming the other person. I was honestly just trying to be nice. I didn't mean it like they took it. And it hurt that they took it that way. We are very good friends, and I would never want to shame her or anyone. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I deleted my comment. I told her after she called, that is never what I meant and I am sorry if it came off that way. I had just learned a couple days before that you could get thrown out for what I thought she had done. So I honestly was just trying to be a friend and warn her. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything. Maybe then, I won't offend anyone and won't piss anyone off.
It's hard when you are trying to be the best you can be. And do things to help people. But instead you come off as pissy and rude. It makes you wonder if anything your doing is helping. And that is so hard when you are like me. You live to help other people. You love giving back and being a support to others. Just sucks. I'm learning to sit back and wait to reply to emails and/ fb instead of responding right away. I need to stop and pray about how to respond in a Godly way. Because fb and email are very touchy. You can say something and mean it one way, and the person on the other side can take it a whole different way. In return causing a huge fight and sometimes the end of the friendship.
You will learn and I will never try to pretend that I am perfect or without fault. I am. I will probably say some stupid stuff and piss people off here. But know that will NEVER be my intention. I want this blog to be uplifting, positive, helpful, and safe. I will be open, honest, and transparent about my losses and grieving.
Christi
I have never read the entire bible, not once. Not proud of that either. I started one year with a "One Year Bible". I had every intention of reading it every day. I did good for about 3 months, and then one thing after another kept me from doing it and now 3 or 4 years later, still haven't finished it. Why is that? I am not sure. I love reading and can finish a book pretty quickly. So I can't figure out why I can't finish the Bible. I have the desire and the want. I've tried just reading a book at a time. But that last a couple days. So it is definally something I need to keep praying about and would be grateful if you would pray with me.
I am by far not a perfect Christian. The only perfect Person that walked this Earth, is Christ. He showed us how to live. He showed us how to love. He showed us what it means to lay or life down for another. He is our model. He is my Savior!
I do have a one on one conversation with God. Not always every day. But God is on my speed dial. I have learned more with time and the stresses and trials of life to turn to God 1st. I am still by far a work in process on this. Allot of our conversations result in me crying. Not because God is mean, but because I realize how much I have strayed and need God. I realize that I have once again pushed my Will denied God to show me what I need. Instead I am telling God what I need and demanding it. I find myself ashamed and so lost. I cry because I hear God telling me. I forgive you my child. We will start again. I am in control and you just follow me. I will show you what I want you to do and you will be blessed with what I have for you in MY TIME. I love you my child, and want you to trust me!
I have been known to put my foot in my mouth many times. I have said something to just start an argument. I have picked sides and not be nice. Over the years, I have learned that is not a good idea. I have learned that so doesn't make God Happy. And it doesn't make me happy or feel good.
But what hurts, is when I get a call or email asking or accusing me of shaming someone with a comment I posted or talking about someone behind their back with a post. Makes me feel hurt when it so not correct. Thankfully this blog is not getting that opinion. But my other blog did. And I guess it was my own fault. I did write about a couple people, thing was, it wasn't about the same people accusing me. And then the post that was shaming the other person. I was honestly just trying to be nice. I didn't mean it like they took it. And it hurt that they took it that way. We are very good friends, and I would never want to shame her or anyone. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I deleted my comment. I told her after she called, that is never what I meant and I am sorry if it came off that way. I had just learned a couple days before that you could get thrown out for what I thought she had done. So I honestly was just trying to be a friend and warn her. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything. Maybe then, I won't offend anyone and won't piss anyone off.
It's hard when you are trying to be the best you can be. And do things to help people. But instead you come off as pissy and rude. It makes you wonder if anything your doing is helping. And that is so hard when you are like me. You live to help other people. You love giving back and being a support to others. Just sucks. I'm learning to sit back and wait to reply to emails and/ fb instead of responding right away. I need to stop and pray about how to respond in a Godly way. Because fb and email are very touchy. You can say something and mean it one way, and the person on the other side can take it a whole different way. In return causing a huge fight and sometimes the end of the friendship.
You will learn and I will never try to pretend that I am perfect or without fault. I am. I will probably say some stupid stuff and piss people off here. But know that will NEVER be my intention. I want this blog to be uplifting, positive, helpful, and safe. I will be open, honest, and transparent about my losses and grieving.
Christi
Friday, January 6, 2012
I wanted to share all the things we have been blessed with after the Loss of Isaac. I had a couple friends give me some very sweet gifts to put in his Memory Box. I haven't gotten a box yet. Just not not ready to do it.
But I want to share pictures of the gifts we received. We didn't get anything with Sweet Pea, but I guess people view it differently because we lost him/her at 7 weeks, as where we lost Isaac at 15 1/2 weeks.
And that's another thing. Why is it different to people when you lose your baby at 5 weeks or 19 weeks. There isn't a difference! A baby is a baby no matter when you lose the baby. Yes, for me losing my baby at 16 weeks was harder than at 7 weeks. Maybe it was also that I had been through it 14 weeks before. But it was harder for me the farther along I was. But for people to judge and decide that if you lose your baby at 5 weeks you don't need the same love, support, and understanding then someone who loses their baby at 15, 16, or 20 weeks is just wrong. We all need love, support, and understanding that we're hurting and grieving a baby we will never see.
Now moms that lose a baby after 20 weeks and have to have a funeral, I just can't imagine. I was grateful that we didn't have to do that. I am not sure I would be able to get through that. But there shouldn't be a rule based on when they lose their baby. Everyone needs it and people should continue to be there for them until the mom is ready to move on. Not just because people think they should be ready to move on. It is so painful to see people just fading away when they start to forget your loss, their lives get to busy to check in, and so on. They have all the excuses in the world not to keep caring. It wasn't there baby, it wasn't their family. And even family just quites caring too. And let me tell you it sucks!! To know that people don't care anymore, and they can't be bothered to ask you how your doing anymore (and if they do, they really don't want to really know).
It is very frustrating to live in a world with people who are so self-aborsed. It happens at church too. Our church family starts to forget and not care anymore. They don't ask, they don't call, they stop emailing. They just expect you to move on and get over it. When you ask for prayer because the "due date" is coming and Christmas is coming, they don't seem to get the pain your feeling. It isn't the same as losing a parent, friend, or another family member. A child is something so different. The pain is something unimaginable. To me, the only thing harder than grieving a child is losing a spouse.
I have a friend that lost her husband almost 2 years ago. I can't imagine that! She has 2 children, around early teenagers. She amazes me, with her strength. She sent me a Christmas Card this year. The 1st one I have ever gotten from her. She sent it because she knew I am grieving the loss of my baby. She doesn't know yet about Sweet Pea. It touched my heart so very much!! It made me cry that in her pain of celebrating her 2nd Christmas without her Husband, she was thinking of me. That is a true Christian person. And I believe people could learn allot from her!
So that is my rant for now. Here are the pictures of the gifts we were given.
My friend, Tessa, gave me a special box a couple days before we would have taken Isaac. We had taken a friendship break because she was pregnant. And it was just too hard for me to see her and know she was pregnant. But even though I had asked her for a break, she still loved me enough to give us something so special.
But I want to share pictures of the gifts we received. We didn't get anything with Sweet Pea, but I guess people view it differently because we lost him/her at 7 weeks, as where we lost Isaac at 15 1/2 weeks.
And that's another thing. Why is it different to people when you lose your baby at 5 weeks or 19 weeks. There isn't a difference! A baby is a baby no matter when you lose the baby. Yes, for me losing my baby at 16 weeks was harder than at 7 weeks. Maybe it was also that I had been through it 14 weeks before. But it was harder for me the farther along I was. But for people to judge and decide that if you lose your baby at 5 weeks you don't need the same love, support, and understanding then someone who loses their baby at 15, 16, or 20 weeks is just wrong. We all need love, support, and understanding that we're hurting and grieving a baby we will never see.
Now moms that lose a baby after 20 weeks and have to have a funeral, I just can't imagine. I was grateful that we didn't have to do that. I am not sure I would be able to get through that. But there shouldn't be a rule based on when they lose their baby. Everyone needs it and people should continue to be there for them until the mom is ready to move on. Not just because people think they should be ready to move on. It is so painful to see people just fading away when they start to forget your loss, their lives get to busy to check in, and so on. They have all the excuses in the world not to keep caring. It wasn't there baby, it wasn't their family. And even family just quites caring too. And let me tell you it sucks!! To know that people don't care anymore, and they can't be bothered to ask you how your doing anymore (and if they do, they really don't want to really know).
It is very frustrating to live in a world with people who are so self-aborsed. It happens at church too. Our church family starts to forget and not care anymore. They don't ask, they don't call, they stop emailing. They just expect you to move on and get over it. When you ask for prayer because the "due date" is coming and Christmas is coming, they don't seem to get the pain your feeling. It isn't the same as losing a parent, friend, or another family member. A child is something so different. The pain is something unimaginable. To me, the only thing harder than grieving a child is losing a spouse.
I have a friend that lost her husband almost 2 years ago. I can't imagine that! She has 2 children, around early teenagers. She amazes me, with her strength. She sent me a Christmas Card this year. The 1st one I have ever gotten from her. She sent it because she knew I am grieving the loss of my baby. She doesn't know yet about Sweet Pea. It touched my heart so very much!! It made me cry that in her pain of celebrating her 2nd Christmas without her Husband, she was thinking of me. That is a true Christian person. And I believe people could learn allot from her!
So that is my rant for now. Here are the pictures of the gifts we were given.
This was a prayer blanker I was given by a lady in my Bible Study group. I was pregnant with Isaac and it was when I started bleeding at 5 1/2 weeks and put on bed rest.
It had 3 different verses on it.
My good friend, Chaunnessey, gave me this little baby doll. It is a very special baby. It is about the size Isaac would have been at about 14 weeks. It is so precious!
I wanted to show just how small this baby is. The paper is a normal 8 X 13 inch paper. The baby is just so small.
My friend, Tessa, gave me a special box a couple days before we would have taken Isaac. We had taken a friendship break because she was pregnant. And it was just too hard for me to see her and know she was pregnant. But even though I had asked her for a break, she still loved me enough to give us something so special.
This was a little card, my friend Tessa gave me. I'll write what was in it at the end of this post. It made me cry.
A cross for Isaac from Tessa
A Burp Cloth for Isaac, from Tessa. It has Isaac's name and birthday on it.
A close up view.
My friend Karen, had made a Baby Blanket for Isaac when I was pregnant. When we found out we lost Isaac she gave the blanket she made for him, to her daughter. She asked if I would like a smaller version of the blanket. And of course I said yes. She also wrote a poem to go with it. I'll add the poem at the end of the post as well.
We figured this would have been big enough to wrap Isaac in. I put it on the same paper as the baby. Just to give you an idea on how small the blanket is.
This is the poem that my friend Tessa, wrote in the card. It was so beatuiful and made me cry.
When little ones leave us we seem to think,
Their lives were somehow incomplete,
Yet, we may not see the role they play
In helping someone else see the way.
Who knows what blessing their life may bring,
Though seemingly such a tragic thing.
For maybe some lost soul will see
His deperate need of Calvary.
This A mom might begin to reasure her role
As she realizes her investment in a soul.
Maybe a dad will spend more time
Making memories versus spending a dime.
Maybe a sibling will stop to pray
Before choosing unkind words to say.
Maybe hurt feelings will begin to mend
To secure their bond with a friend.
Who knows the impact a life can make;
There is purpose for Heaven's sake.
So though we hate to say goodbye;
We know that Jesus now holds you nigh!
This is the poem my friend, Karen, wrote to go along with the blanket she made for Isaac's special box.
“Unraveled”
Written by Karen
Once there was a ball of yarn that started perfect as can be,
Purchased to make a gift for a little baby yet to be.
The maker started crocheting an afgan; made with love and from the heart,
Only to discover that the yarn’s threads had unraveled apart.
Once there was a baby, who started perfect as can be.
He was prayed for and deeply longed for; to be part of a special family tree.
The Maker was knitting the baby together in his mother’s womb, right from the start,
Only to discover the ceasing of the little child’s beating heart.
Once there was a baby who was planned for with faith, hope and a prayer
Planned for by his parents, who could not wait to have him there.
The Maker’s plans were different than what all would have hoped,
For plans for the baby’s arrival soon unraveled like a rope.
For when life’s plans unravel and things won’t turn out like we thought they should,
Our Maker’s ever planning to work all things for our good.
For our Maker is the one who takes every unraveled part
And, is the only one who can mend all that has unraveled, even a broken heart.
Christi
A Bitter Sweet Day
Today is a bitter sweet day. It is my 11th Wedding Anniversary to the love of my life. To the missing piece of my life. To my soul mate and the man God made for me.
It is also Isaac's due date. He would have been 9 days old. But instead he is in Heaven. I could have also been about 16 weeks pregnant with Sweet Pea, but lost him/her too. So now I'm empty of babies and missing them terribly. I was crying on the way home tonight from my Twins Group Board meeting. I know they are safe, perfect, and having a blast in Heaven. But I still will forever miss them!
I also think about all the wonderful things that happened on this day. We got married, my friend's Sussana and Matthew had their little girl 6 years ago, my brother's ex-girlfriend had her little boy 3 years ago (not his baby), a mom in my Twins group had her little girl 3 years ago too, and we found out we were expecting my 5th baby 5 years ago.
Allot of great things happened on January 6th!! And I want to think about those things and not that my babies are gone. You have to do that when you have a loss like this. You have to force yourself to think about the positive things and less on the negative things, or you will go crazy. You have to do what will help you survive.
I had a great night out tonight. I left early to go to Mardel's to get a Anniversary gift for my husband. I found quite a few things for him. I wanted something that would really mean something. I gave him a few small things tonight and the rest he'll get tomorrow. Then, I went to a Twins Group Board meeting. It was good to get out and talk to other moms. I was able to share a prayer request and that was good. Then about 4 of us when to a Pub afterwards to just hangout and talk some more. It was so nice. I was able to talk more about Issac and Sweet Pea. It brings joy to my heart to talk about them.
I got a sweet email from a friend, that I saw when I got back to my car. I have asked if I could share some of the email. I am waiting to hear from her. She had come over earlier so I could give back the bible she accidentally put in a box she made us with some special things for Isaac. I also had this package that had like 4 different "Babies 1st Albums" in it. She had given it as a raffle or door prize gift during MOPS several years ago. I had it all this time and was never able to use it. I figure since she had just had her baby a couple months ago. She could use it, so I "regifted it" back to her. I also gave her a blanket that was very dear to my heart. I have crocheted baby blankets since my twins were about a year (so about 7 years now). I love making them and giving them as gifts to my pregnant mommies. I was making a few when I was pregnant with Isaac. I made couple girl ones and had made a boy blanket and working on a second one when I found out we lost him. I finally finished it a couple months later.
The one that I had made especially for Isaac was a special one. It takes longer and I have to count each line. I use to different colors, and do about 5 to 10 lines each and then change colors and so on. It was blue and green with a white boarder. I wish I had taken a picture so I could show you. I didn't think twice about giving it to her. I knew Isaac would want me to give it to someone with a Little Boy. So that way, it could be put to good use. I had made one for each of her 4 last babies (including this one). She said her 5th child, another boy, age 2 1/2 still sleeps with his. Like I said, I love making and giving this blankets. I love seeing people's faces when they see them and find out their handmade. It feels my heart with joy.
I gave another friend of mine, a girl blanket about a month ago. I missed her shower due to losing Isaac, I wasn't ready to go. I was able to go one afternoon and hold her sweet little girl. I gave her the blanket I had made for her daughter. Her older daughter, age 4, also has a blanket that I made. She still sleeps with hers. I love hearing that!! That the babies grow up to kids and still love them. I haven't made any since I lost Sweet Pea. Just not up to making them right now. I am hoping to start up soon.
I know today will be hard, but I have 5 precious kids that will make my heart fill with joy and over flow this morning when I see them in a bit before 4 of them go to school. So I will be grateful for what I have and not want for what I don't.
Christi
It is also Isaac's due date. He would have been 9 days old. But instead he is in Heaven. I could have also been about 16 weeks pregnant with Sweet Pea, but lost him/her too. So now I'm empty of babies and missing them terribly. I was crying on the way home tonight from my Twins Group Board meeting. I know they are safe, perfect, and having a blast in Heaven. But I still will forever miss them!
I also think about all the wonderful things that happened on this day. We got married, my friend's Sussana and Matthew had their little girl 6 years ago, my brother's ex-girlfriend had her little boy 3 years ago (not his baby), a mom in my Twins group had her little girl 3 years ago too, and we found out we were expecting my 5th baby 5 years ago.
Allot of great things happened on January 6th!! And I want to think about those things and not that my babies are gone. You have to do that when you have a loss like this. You have to force yourself to think about the positive things and less on the negative things, or you will go crazy. You have to do what will help you survive.
I had a great night out tonight. I left early to go to Mardel's to get a Anniversary gift for my husband. I found quite a few things for him. I wanted something that would really mean something. I gave him a few small things tonight and the rest he'll get tomorrow. Then, I went to a Twins Group Board meeting. It was good to get out and talk to other moms. I was able to share a prayer request and that was good. Then about 4 of us when to a Pub afterwards to just hangout and talk some more. It was so nice. I was able to talk more about Issac and Sweet Pea. It brings joy to my heart to talk about them.
I got a sweet email from a friend, that I saw when I got back to my car. I have asked if I could share some of the email. I am waiting to hear from her. She had come over earlier so I could give back the bible she accidentally put in a box she made us with some special things for Isaac. I also had this package that had like 4 different "Babies 1st Albums" in it. She had given it as a raffle or door prize gift during MOPS several years ago. I had it all this time and was never able to use it. I figure since she had just had her baby a couple months ago. She could use it, so I "regifted it" back to her. I also gave her a blanket that was very dear to my heart. I have crocheted baby blankets since my twins were about a year (so about 7 years now). I love making them and giving them as gifts to my pregnant mommies. I was making a few when I was pregnant with Isaac. I made couple girl ones and had made a boy blanket and working on a second one when I found out we lost him. I finally finished it a couple months later.
The one that I had made especially for Isaac was a special one. It takes longer and I have to count each line. I use to different colors, and do about 5 to 10 lines each and then change colors and so on. It was blue and green with a white boarder. I wish I had taken a picture so I could show you. I didn't think twice about giving it to her. I knew Isaac would want me to give it to someone with a Little Boy. So that way, it could be put to good use. I had made one for each of her 4 last babies (including this one). She said her 5th child, another boy, age 2 1/2 still sleeps with his. Like I said, I love making and giving this blankets. I love seeing people's faces when they see them and find out their handmade. It feels my heart with joy.
I gave another friend of mine, a girl blanket about a month ago. I missed her shower due to losing Isaac, I wasn't ready to go. I was able to go one afternoon and hold her sweet little girl. I gave her the blanket I had made for her daughter. Her older daughter, age 4, also has a blanket that I made. She still sleeps with hers. I love hearing that!! That the babies grow up to kids and still love them. I haven't made any since I lost Sweet Pea. Just not up to making them right now. I am hoping to start up soon.
I know today will be hard, but I have 5 precious kids that will make my heart fill with joy and over flow this morning when I see them in a bit before 4 of them go to school. So I will be grateful for what I have and not want for what I don't.
Christi
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sometimes it's so hard....
Sometimes it so hard not to think why is God answering their prayers so much faster than mine. I wanted a healthy baby, but God said "not this time" when he answered "yes" to so many others. We could use a bigger house, but God keeps telling us "not yet", when others he says "yes". But as Christians we are not to go there. We are not to compare ourselves to others.
So that is where I am. I am praying and asking God to make Satan stop whispering in my ear, to be discontent with what I have. And asking God to help me see all that I have. Because I truly have allot. I have 5 precious Earth Angels and 2 Heavenly Angels I will see one day. I have a Husband that loves me and we've been married 11 years tomorrow. I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat. My husband has been at the same job for 11 years and continues to do good and move up.
So honestly, I have allot. I've done really well, through both miscarriages not to ask God "why me", because then I would be telling God why wasn't it someone else. You don't wish a miscarriage on anyone! God will answer my prayers in His Time and not mine. His Will is better than anytime I could ever wish for. And if I am patience and just wait for God, I will get everything he has for us. So I will continue to wait and just trust God.
I remember when my oldest when just about 6 months old. I joined a MOPS Group in my town. I remember it was then, that I learned to look into the person and not to wish for what they had that I didn't. Because it always came with a price. They might have more kids than me, but they were always getting sick. A bigger house, but it was falling apart. They seemed to so happy, but inside they were falling apart. Their marriages broken, kids had issues, and so much more. It was then, that I realized that I had allot. I was grateful for the one child I had (and just prayed that God would bless us with more in His time), we had a working car, a house, and hubby had a job. So many people were losing their jobs at that point, cars braking down, and people were losing their houses. We were truly blessed.
So now, I find myself having to go back to that thinking, I need to look beyond what they brag about and see what their hiding behind their closed doors. Then and only then do you realize all that you truly have.
Christi
So that is where I am. I am praying and asking God to make Satan stop whispering in my ear, to be discontent with what I have. And asking God to help me see all that I have. Because I truly have allot. I have 5 precious Earth Angels and 2 Heavenly Angels I will see one day. I have a Husband that loves me and we've been married 11 years tomorrow. I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat. My husband has been at the same job for 11 years and continues to do good and move up.
So honestly, I have allot. I've done really well, through both miscarriages not to ask God "why me", because then I would be telling God why wasn't it someone else. You don't wish a miscarriage on anyone! God will answer my prayers in His Time and not mine. His Will is better than anytime I could ever wish for. And if I am patience and just wait for God, I will get everything he has for us. So I will continue to wait and just trust God.
I remember when my oldest when just about 6 months old. I joined a MOPS Group in my town. I remember it was then, that I learned to look into the person and not to wish for what they had that I didn't. Because it always came with a price. They might have more kids than me, but they were always getting sick. A bigger house, but it was falling apart. They seemed to so happy, but inside they were falling apart. Their marriages broken, kids had issues, and so much more. It was then, that I realized that I had allot. I was grateful for the one child I had (and just prayed that God would bless us with more in His time), we had a working car, a house, and hubby had a job. So many people were losing their jobs at that point, cars braking down, and people were losing their houses. We were truly blessed.
So now, I find myself having to go back to that thinking, I need to look beyond what they brag about and see what their hiding behind their closed doors. Then and only then do you realize all that you truly have.
Christi
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