I am not alone with losing a baby. I am not alone with dealing with the daily pain of not having one of your kids with you. I am not alone with having people tell you, "oh, I thought we had a miscarriage" but they are now they hold their baby, and yours is dead. Or have someone say to you "I had a test say something was wrong with my baby" but now their baby is fine. but your is gone, or have someone say "losing a loved one is hard for everyone, it's the memories that make it hard", or "your lucky that you didn't have to go full term and lose the baby", "it was God's way of telling you something was wrong", and so much more.
I know they mean no harm by it. But if you'd lost a baby, you know how much that hurts. It hurts to have someone try and compare themselves to you, when they know nothing of the pain your feeling. Unless you've lost a child, you can never know the pain that comes with it. It is not a pain I would ever wish on anyone. I never once and will never once, ask God, why me and not someone else. Because that means someone else would have to know this pain. This is not a pain that I want anyone else to feel and know. But unfortunately, I can't keep that from happening. It happens everyday. They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage or babyloss. That is cruel. But it shows once again, we live in a fall world. A world full of sin.
So I want to make it my goal to help, to help teach people how to help their loved ones and friends that have had this loss. Their are things that help and things that just make the pain worse. One thing is never say you understand what their going through, unless you have lost a child. Never compare what you have gone through or going through with a mom that has miscarried, carrying a baby that will not live after birth, or lost a baby at birth or stillborn, unless you have truly been in that situation. Even if you thought you might have had a miscarriage for what ever reason, but now know your baby is fine. Do not compare that to a mom that is very likely to miscarry or has miscarry. That is just hurtful and not something a friend should say.
Most mom's after a loss can't discern whether you are trying to help or just cause more pain by being rude. I would think most people are trying to help, and just don't know what to say. What you can do to help would be a few of these: a hug, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby" (it is so important to acknowledge the loss of the child, not just the loss), offer to make dinner, do some laundry, take care of their other kids (if they have some), just be there to listen (unless you've been through a loss of a child, you can't truly understand and give advice, but you can listen), send cards, emails telling them your thinking and praying for them. And don't do it just once to twice. It is something that is on going for a while. The mom will be grieving for a long time. She will never be the same, so don't expect her to be. She has learned a very hard lesson, that not all babies come home. That sometimes babies just stay with us for a short time, and then go back to Heaven so early.
Each mom will do something different with their pain. Some will be mad for a long time, some will choose to use their pain to help others, and some will find God because of it. I wonder how mom's that don't know God get through this. I know that because of God, I have done better than if I wouldn't have known God. God has carried me many times through this process. I couldn't do this without God. I couldn't get up each morning without God. God knew this was going to happen, this didn't catch him off guard. Nothing does. He was prepared to see me and my family through this. He put the people in my life, he knew I would need to help me. He also showed me very quickly who I didn't need in my life anymore.
My point is, every mom is different. We all handle grieve different. What will help one may not help another. But if your supportive, listen (we don't want to be fixed, just listened too!), love on us, and let us know your praying and thinking of us. It will go a long ways. Don't worry about saying the right thing, if you don't know what to say, just hug the person and say "I'm sorry for the loss of you baby". If the baby has a name, call the child by name. It means so much to us mom's when you call our child or children by name. They are a real person, they may not be here anymore. But they are a person, they are our child, our baby.
Christi
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