Saturday, February 25, 2012
Sweet Pea
4 Months ago, We said Goodbye to our 2nd Baby, Sweet Pea. He joined his big Brother Isaac Nathaniel in Heaven. God has blessed our Family with peace and comfort only He can provide. I miss our Sweet Pea every day. And we all look forward to the day, that God reunites our whole family together!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
I WIll Carry You
A dear friend of mine, Deanna. Sent me this link to Michelle Duggar's Post about grieving the loss of her Sweet baby, Jubliee. It is exactly the way I feel. Michelle shared a song that has helped her healing. I thought I had heard this song, but when I listened to it on YouTube, I realized I had not.
I bawled like a baby. If you haven't heard it. Click here, and you can listen to it. You will need some tissue close by. It is called "I Will Carry You", by Selah. Here is another video of the song.
It is so true. When you lose a child, you grieve the loss of dreams.
I kept looking through the other video's of the story of Smith Family. If you don't know much about it, come and watch it. When she said, that "Jesus was the same then as before they walked in the door". I felt that same thing when we found out Isaac had past. God was the same before and He was when we found out Isaac had passed. Even when I was rocked, God was the same.
Christi
I bawled like a baby. If you haven't heard it. Click here, and you can listen to it. You will need some tissue close by. It is called "I Will Carry You", by Selah. Here is another video of the song.
It is so true. When you lose a child, you grieve the loss of dreams.
I kept looking through the other video's of the story of Smith Family. If you don't know much about it, come and watch it. When she said, that "Jesus was the same then as before they walked in the door". I felt that same thing when we found out Isaac had past. God was the same before and He was when we found out Isaac had passed. Even when I was rocked, God was the same.
Christi
WWJD
I watched a movie I had bought for our family today for Christmas. It was called "WWJD". It was a tad bit cheesy, but the message was awesome.
If you can find it, grab it and watch it.
Have you ever stopped what you were doing or thinking of doing and truly asked yourself, What Would Jesus Do? I am guilty of not doing most of the time. Lately I have been thinking about it more and wondering what God thinks of what I am doing or not doing.
If Jesus came right now, would he be pleased with were I am or would he be ashamed of me? Would God tell me "Well done my Child" or God's heart break? I am so far from where I need to be, I know that. But I pray that every day, I can become more like Jesus. I pray that each time I fall on my face, that God will pick me up, dust me off, and help me do better the next time. And remember what I have learned the hard way, and not do it again.
I have learned many things the hard way. Like who to trust and who I can't say anything important to. I am learning who truly wants to really know how I am feeling, and not just keeping face. I am learning through pain, that God will never leave me. I am learning that despite my faults, sin, and ugliness that is inside me. God still loves me and wants me to come to Him on my knees when I fail and ask for forgiveness.
What a God we have. He forgives so freely. He sent His Son, His Only Son, to die for us. Jesus took Our Sin, He took Our Punishment, He took Our Death. Jesus is Sinless. He didn't deserve the pain, torture, and death he suffered. We deserved it, all of it! But God loved us, loves us, and wants us to come to him. So He sent his Son, to take our Sin, so we could be forgiven. God gives this to everyone freely. The only thing God asks of us. To give our life to God and ask Jesus to be the Lord of our Life. That's it. It's simple. And man does it take such pressure off of you. Instead of having to control everything in your life, you learn to give the control to God and trust God to lead you.
The Bible is God's Word to us. It is our Road Map. It is the Living Word of God. Read it, and you will change. It will change you. You will want to change. Pick a book in the bible and read it. No one says you have to go in order. Pray and ask God to show you where he wants you to start. He will answer you, maybe not in a way you can "hear". But if you are quiet, you will feel God's presents.
I gave my life to God when I was around 20 or 21. I was baptised when I was 28. I had to fight with what I was told growing up (I was raised Catholic, and was taught your baptised as a baby, and that's it). But the Bible tells you, you are to be Baptised when you are aware of what your doing. And after you've given your life to Jesus and God. So finally, I felt God tell me, I want you to do this. This is to show everyone you are saved and you have My Son in your heart. Trust me. Follow me. So I did. I was 8 months pregnant with my Daughter (whose Birthday is today). I was scared, but I also felt at peace, A peace only God could give me.
I have come along ways, since I gave my life to Christ all those years ago. I still fail, I still sin, and I still fall short. But because of the promise, the gift of Jesus, and because of God, I am forgiven. And I am saved. And when God calls me home, I will spend eternity in Heaven. What a Promise!!
Will I see you in Heaven,. If you have Jesus in your Heart, I will. If you don't, I won't see you. But there's still time, don't wait. Ask someone you trust, that you know is a believer. Ask them to help you, or ask me. I'm here too. I hope to see all of you in Heaven! The other option is literally Hell. Really you will spend eternity in Hell. Read the Bible, it's in there. God loves you too much to give you anything lesser. But if you deny Jesus, He will deny you before His Father. It may seem harsh. But it's really not. God gives you free choice. Choose to trust Him and live forever in Heaven, or deny Him and suffer in Hell.
I heard it said before, and I agree with it. I would rather live my life believing in God and Believing the Bible it ALL TRUE, and get to the end of my life to find out that God isn't real. Than to live my life Denying God, trashing the Bible (His Word) and come to the end of my days, and find out God is real and I was wrong and it's too late.
Christi
If you can find it, grab it and watch it.
Have you ever stopped what you were doing or thinking of doing and truly asked yourself, What Would Jesus Do? I am guilty of not doing most of the time. Lately I have been thinking about it more and wondering what God thinks of what I am doing or not doing.
If Jesus came right now, would he be pleased with were I am or would he be ashamed of me? Would God tell me "Well done my Child" or God's heart break? I am so far from where I need to be, I know that. But I pray that every day, I can become more like Jesus. I pray that each time I fall on my face, that God will pick me up, dust me off, and help me do better the next time. And remember what I have learned the hard way, and not do it again.
I have learned many things the hard way. Like who to trust and who I can't say anything important to. I am learning who truly wants to really know how I am feeling, and not just keeping face. I am learning through pain, that God will never leave me. I am learning that despite my faults, sin, and ugliness that is inside me. God still loves me and wants me to come to Him on my knees when I fail and ask for forgiveness.
What a God we have. He forgives so freely. He sent His Son, His Only Son, to die for us. Jesus took Our Sin, He took Our Punishment, He took Our Death. Jesus is Sinless. He didn't deserve the pain, torture, and death he suffered. We deserved it, all of it! But God loved us, loves us, and wants us to come to him. So He sent his Son, to take our Sin, so we could be forgiven. God gives this to everyone freely. The only thing God asks of us. To give our life to God and ask Jesus to be the Lord of our Life. That's it. It's simple. And man does it take such pressure off of you. Instead of having to control everything in your life, you learn to give the control to God and trust God to lead you.
The Bible is God's Word to us. It is our Road Map. It is the Living Word of God. Read it, and you will change. It will change you. You will want to change. Pick a book in the bible and read it. No one says you have to go in order. Pray and ask God to show you where he wants you to start. He will answer you, maybe not in a way you can "hear". But if you are quiet, you will feel God's presents.
I gave my life to God when I was around 20 or 21. I was baptised when I was 28. I had to fight with what I was told growing up (I was raised Catholic, and was taught your baptised as a baby, and that's it). But the Bible tells you, you are to be Baptised when you are aware of what your doing. And after you've given your life to Jesus and God. So finally, I felt God tell me, I want you to do this. This is to show everyone you are saved and you have My Son in your heart. Trust me. Follow me. So I did. I was 8 months pregnant with my Daughter (whose Birthday is today). I was scared, but I also felt at peace, A peace only God could give me.
I have come along ways, since I gave my life to Christ all those years ago. I still fail, I still sin, and I still fall short. But because of the promise, the gift of Jesus, and because of God, I am forgiven. And I am saved. And when God calls me home, I will spend eternity in Heaven. What a Promise!!
Will I see you in Heaven,. If you have Jesus in your Heart, I will. If you don't, I won't see you. But there's still time, don't wait. Ask someone you trust, that you know is a believer. Ask them to help you, or ask me. I'm here too. I hope to see all of you in Heaven! The other option is literally Hell. Really you will spend eternity in Hell. Read the Bible, it's in there. God loves you too much to give you anything lesser. But if you deny Jesus, He will deny you before His Father. It may seem harsh. But it's really not. God gives you free choice. Choose to trust Him and live forever in Heaven, or deny Him and suffer in Hell.
I heard it said before, and I agree with it. I would rather live my life believing in God and Believing the Bible it ALL TRUE, and get to the end of my life to find out that God isn't real. Than to live my life Denying God, trashing the Bible (His Word) and come to the end of my days, and find out God is real and I was wrong and it's too late.
Christi
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I am not alone, I have God!
I am not alone with losing a baby. I am not alone with dealing with the daily pain of not having one of your kids with you. I am not alone with having people tell you, "oh, I thought we had a miscarriage" but they are now they hold their baby, and yours is dead. Or have someone say to you "I had a test say something was wrong with my baby" but now their baby is fine. but your is gone, or have someone say "losing a loved one is hard for everyone, it's the memories that make it hard", or "your lucky that you didn't have to go full term and lose the baby", "it was God's way of telling you something was wrong", and so much more.
I know they mean no harm by it. But if you'd lost a baby, you know how much that hurts. It hurts to have someone try and compare themselves to you, when they know nothing of the pain your feeling. Unless you've lost a child, you can never know the pain that comes with it. It is not a pain I would ever wish on anyone. I never once and will never once, ask God, why me and not someone else. Because that means someone else would have to know this pain. This is not a pain that I want anyone else to feel and know. But unfortunately, I can't keep that from happening. It happens everyday. They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage or babyloss. That is cruel. But it shows once again, we live in a fall world. A world full of sin.
So I want to make it my goal to help, to help teach people how to help their loved ones and friends that have had this loss. Their are things that help and things that just make the pain worse. One thing is never say you understand what their going through, unless you have lost a child. Never compare what you have gone through or going through with a mom that has miscarried, carrying a baby that will not live after birth, or lost a baby at birth or stillborn, unless you have truly been in that situation. Even if you thought you might have had a miscarriage for what ever reason, but now know your baby is fine. Do not compare that to a mom that is very likely to miscarry or has miscarry. That is just hurtful and not something a friend should say.
Most mom's after a loss can't discern whether you are trying to help or just cause more pain by being rude. I would think most people are trying to help, and just don't know what to say. What you can do to help would be a few of these: a hug, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby" (it is so important to acknowledge the loss of the child, not just the loss), offer to make dinner, do some laundry, take care of their other kids (if they have some), just be there to listen (unless you've been through a loss of a child, you can't truly understand and give advice, but you can listen), send cards, emails telling them your thinking and praying for them. And don't do it just once to twice. It is something that is on going for a while. The mom will be grieving for a long time. She will never be the same, so don't expect her to be. She has learned a very hard lesson, that not all babies come home. That sometimes babies just stay with us for a short time, and then go back to Heaven so early.
Each mom will do something different with their pain. Some will be mad for a long time, some will choose to use their pain to help others, and some will find God because of it. I wonder how mom's that don't know God get through this. I know that because of God, I have done better than if I wouldn't have known God. God has carried me many times through this process. I couldn't do this without God. I couldn't get up each morning without God. God knew this was going to happen, this didn't catch him off guard. Nothing does. He was prepared to see me and my family through this. He put the people in my life, he knew I would need to help me. He also showed me very quickly who I didn't need in my life anymore.
My point is, every mom is different. We all handle grieve different. What will help one may not help another. But if your supportive, listen (we don't want to be fixed, just listened too!), love on us, and let us know your praying and thinking of us. It will go a long ways. Don't worry about saying the right thing, if you don't know what to say, just hug the person and say "I'm sorry for the loss of you baby". If the baby has a name, call the child by name. It means so much to us mom's when you call our child or children by name. They are a real person, they may not be here anymore. But they are a person, they are our child, our baby.
Christi
I know they mean no harm by it. But if you'd lost a baby, you know how much that hurts. It hurts to have someone try and compare themselves to you, when they know nothing of the pain your feeling. Unless you've lost a child, you can never know the pain that comes with it. It is not a pain I would ever wish on anyone. I never once and will never once, ask God, why me and not someone else. Because that means someone else would have to know this pain. This is not a pain that I want anyone else to feel and know. But unfortunately, I can't keep that from happening. It happens everyday. They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage or babyloss. That is cruel. But it shows once again, we live in a fall world. A world full of sin.
So I want to make it my goal to help, to help teach people how to help their loved ones and friends that have had this loss. Their are things that help and things that just make the pain worse. One thing is never say you understand what their going through, unless you have lost a child. Never compare what you have gone through or going through with a mom that has miscarried, carrying a baby that will not live after birth, or lost a baby at birth or stillborn, unless you have truly been in that situation. Even if you thought you might have had a miscarriage for what ever reason, but now know your baby is fine. Do not compare that to a mom that is very likely to miscarry or has miscarry. That is just hurtful and not something a friend should say.
Most mom's after a loss can't discern whether you are trying to help or just cause more pain by being rude. I would think most people are trying to help, and just don't know what to say. What you can do to help would be a few of these: a hug, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby" (it is so important to acknowledge the loss of the child, not just the loss), offer to make dinner, do some laundry, take care of their other kids (if they have some), just be there to listen (unless you've been through a loss of a child, you can't truly understand and give advice, but you can listen), send cards, emails telling them your thinking and praying for them. And don't do it just once to twice. It is something that is on going for a while. The mom will be grieving for a long time. She will never be the same, so don't expect her to be. She has learned a very hard lesson, that not all babies come home. That sometimes babies just stay with us for a short time, and then go back to Heaven so early.
Each mom will do something different with their pain. Some will be mad for a long time, some will choose to use their pain to help others, and some will find God because of it. I wonder how mom's that don't know God get through this. I know that because of God, I have done better than if I wouldn't have known God. God has carried me many times through this process. I couldn't do this without God. I couldn't get up each morning without God. God knew this was going to happen, this didn't catch him off guard. Nothing does. He was prepared to see me and my family through this. He put the people in my life, he knew I would need to help me. He also showed me very quickly who I didn't need in my life anymore.
My point is, every mom is different. We all handle grieve different. What will help one may not help another. But if your supportive, listen (we don't want to be fixed, just listened too!), love on us, and let us know your praying and thinking of us. It will go a long ways. Don't worry about saying the right thing, if you don't know what to say, just hug the person and say "I'm sorry for the loss of you baby". If the baby has a name, call the child by name. It means so much to us mom's when you call our child or children by name. They are a real person, they may not be here anymore. But they are a person, they are our child, our baby.
Christi
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
How can it be?
How can it be that almost 7 months ago, I said goodbye to Isaac Nathaniel? And it's been almost 4 months since I said goodbye to Sweet Pea.
It just doesn't feel like it's been that long. With somethings 4 and 7 months don't feel long. But when it comes to losing a baby 4 and 7 months are like a lifetime. And I don't know how it's gone by so fast.
I miss my Isaac and Sweet Pea so very much. I know that they are having a blast, but it doesn't help the pain of missing them.
The other night, I was reading my book for my bible study with my Life Group at church. It was on Psalm 139. It is the verse about how we are wonderfully and fearfully made. We were suppose to answer the questions about how we were made. But instead, I kept thinking about my sweet babies. I kept thinking about how God made them, and they never got to finish being made, before God allowed them to go back to Heaven. They never had the chance to fully growing before they left. They never got to do much of anything.
But the one thing they were both able to do before they left, was steal my heart. I loved both Isaac and Sweet Pea the second that test came out positive. I love them now. I will always love them! They are my babies. They may be very far away, but they will always be a part of my life.
I will NEVER feel bad for talking about them. If you ask me how many kids I have, I will always answer 7. I have 7 babies. I delivered 7 babies. I conceived 7 babies. I have the right to say I have 7 babies. And I will not allow anyone to make me feel bad or like it's not ok to include Isaac and Sweet Pea. I don't expect or want people's pity. I just want you to know, I have 7 babies.
So, I guess that is it for now.
Christi
It just doesn't feel like it's been that long. With somethings 4 and 7 months don't feel long. But when it comes to losing a baby 4 and 7 months are like a lifetime. And I don't know how it's gone by so fast.
I miss my Isaac and Sweet Pea so very much. I know that they are having a blast, but it doesn't help the pain of missing them.
The other night, I was reading my book for my bible study with my Life Group at church. It was on Psalm 139. It is the verse about how we are wonderfully and fearfully made. We were suppose to answer the questions about how we were made. But instead, I kept thinking about my sweet babies. I kept thinking about how God made them, and they never got to finish being made, before God allowed them to go back to Heaven. They never had the chance to fully growing before they left. They never got to do much of anything.
But the one thing they were both able to do before they left, was steal my heart. I loved both Isaac and Sweet Pea the second that test came out positive. I love them now. I will always love them! They are my babies. They may be very far away, but they will always be a part of my life.
I will NEVER feel bad for talking about them. If you ask me how many kids I have, I will always answer 7. I have 7 babies. I delivered 7 babies. I conceived 7 babies. I have the right to say I have 7 babies. And I will not allow anyone to make me feel bad or like it's not ok to include Isaac and Sweet Pea. I don't expect or want people's pity. I just want you to know, I have 7 babies.
So, I guess that is it for now.
Christi
Holding onto the Faith
Well, Aunt Flow came again. And I was bummed. But I know God has a plan. And I have to trust that. I chose to trust that.
I have the promise from God that He is in control. We are not promised tomorrow and I am not promised another baby. I have to continue to remind myself of that. I have to remind to love the babies I do have, and just continue to pray for my heart's desire and trust God to full fill what is Plan is for my life. But I choose every day to love the and shower the babies I have here with my hugs and kisses, and not dwell on what I don't have. Right now, I do have a baby growing in me, and sadly I may never have another one. Not because my body can't carry one, not because my body can't conceive, but because unless it is God's Will, it will never happen.
I am grateful that God has blessed me with the 7 babies I have. So many women don't even get 1. And when God calls me home, I will get to see the 2 Heavenly Babies waiting for me. I am grateful that God loves me so much, that he sent his Son, Jesus, to die for me. I don't deserve the love God gives me. I don't deserve the forgiveness He freely gives me everyday.
Well, today is Valentine's Day. It is our 12 Valentine's Day together. Last year at this time, we had just landed in Richmond, Va. Hubby had a business trip and I got to go along. We had left the kids with his mom for the 3 days/2 nights we'd be gone. We got a call when we landed, that our Van wouldn't start, and she had to get the kids in 2 trips. What a surprise, our Van was once again broken. Well, that was the last time our Van worked.
We spent the next month looking for a newer Van. We finally agreed on a 12 passager Van. We love it. Nothing special, but it fits our whole family. We thought that the last 15 months of dealing with that lovely Van that kept breaking down was bad, and a few other things that had happened the in the couple years before. Oh were we wrong....
2 months later, we found out we were pregnant. Only to be thrown in a nightmare, of losing that baby 3 1/2 months later. And than found out again we were pregnant. And then 2 months later, lost that baby. Boy did we find out how hard life really could be. We have learned that we can get through anything with God. God has carried both of us through allot of the past almost 7 months. We have both grown so very much. We have found out how much we truly love each other. We have learned so much about the other person.
So this Valentine's Day, is just a day. Nothing special. Because we have spent the last 7 months showering each other with love and support, to just try and help each other cope.
Christi
I have the promise from God that He is in control. We are not promised tomorrow and I am not promised another baby. I have to continue to remind myself of that. I have to remind to love the babies I do have, and just continue to pray for my heart's desire and trust God to full fill what is Plan is for my life. But I choose every day to love the and shower the babies I have here with my hugs and kisses, and not dwell on what I don't have. Right now, I do have a baby growing in me, and sadly I may never have another one. Not because my body can't carry one, not because my body can't conceive, but because unless it is God's Will, it will never happen.
I am grateful that God has blessed me with the 7 babies I have. So many women don't even get 1. And when God calls me home, I will get to see the 2 Heavenly Babies waiting for me. I am grateful that God loves me so much, that he sent his Son, Jesus, to die for me. I don't deserve the love God gives me. I don't deserve the forgiveness He freely gives me everyday.
Well, today is Valentine's Day. It is our 12 Valentine's Day together. Last year at this time, we had just landed in Richmond, Va. Hubby had a business trip and I got to go along. We had left the kids with his mom for the 3 days/2 nights we'd be gone. We got a call when we landed, that our Van wouldn't start, and she had to get the kids in 2 trips. What a surprise, our Van was once again broken. Well, that was the last time our Van worked.
We spent the next month looking for a newer Van. We finally agreed on a 12 passager Van. We love it. Nothing special, but it fits our whole family. We thought that the last 15 months of dealing with that lovely Van that kept breaking down was bad, and a few other things that had happened the in the couple years before. Oh were we wrong....
2 months later, we found out we were pregnant. Only to be thrown in a nightmare, of losing that baby 3 1/2 months later. And than found out again we were pregnant. And then 2 months later, lost that baby. Boy did we find out how hard life really could be. We have learned that we can get through anything with God. God has carried both of us through allot of the past almost 7 months. We have both grown so very much. We have found out how much we truly love each other. We have learned so much about the other person.
So this Valentine's Day, is just a day. Nothing special. Because we have spent the last 7 months showering each other with love and support, to just try and help each other cope.
Christi
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I wish...
When I saw this, I knew I had to copy it and add it to my blog. I wish everyone knew these and practiced them. It would save us momma's allot of heart ache.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her..
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. Some days I'll be jealous and others it will give me hope.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Christi
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her..
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. Some days I'll be jealous and others it will give me hope.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Christi
Monday, February 6, 2012
What does it mean to be Content?
Tell me what does it mean to be content to you? Does it mean pretending to me happy when instead your not happy and wishing for something you don't have?
I have been there. I have lied to many when asked "how are you?" Because you know they really don't want to know. They want you to pretend your happy so they can feel good they asked you and go on there way.
But I am here to tell you, we can all truly be happy and mean it. We just have to let go of what we think we "need" to be happy. We need to trust God to provide what He "knows" we need. God knows what we need and when we will need it.
We can truly be Happy when we have allot and when we have nothing. It is a choice. We can choose to be happy no matter what happens. Paul (from the bible) was beaten and nearly killed many times in his life and he continued to choose to be Happy in God.
Paul wrote this while imprisoned in a dark, dreary prison. He was chained to a guard.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know that is is to be in need, and I know that it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:11-13)"
And we can have that too. We just need to trust God and not try and control everything. It is such a burden reliever when we chose to give the control back to God and chose to live our lives day by day according to God's Plan for us. We can chose to be happy no matter what. That doesn't mean you can't be sad when bad things happen (like miscarriages, baby loss, friend or family dies, and so much more) but it does mean that you trust God to get you through it. It also means you look for the positive things that can come out of the pain. It also means you have to let go of the people that bring you more pain. You have to let go of the things other than God that you turn to heal you and make you happy. You need to let God bring you healing and let God bring you joy.
I mean if Paul can be happy when being beaten, and almost killed, thrown in jail more than once. That I think we can chose to be happy with what we have. I mean most of most have a home (whether it's perfect or not), we have a place to live. We have clothes on our back, maybe not in style. But we have clothes. We have food to eat and beds to sleep in. We have more than so many. But yet we still aren't happy. Because we aren't looking for the right place to get our happiness from.
I am reading this book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by: Linda Dillow. I am reading for my Bible Study in my Women Group. I have read the 1st chapter and part of the 2nd chapter. In the 1st chapter she talked about a women named "Ella". She worked as a Missionary in Africa She was happy no matter what her circumstances. She had this written in her diary. She called it her "Prescription for Contentment"
1. Never allow yourself to complain about anything -- not even the weather
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. Never compare your lot with another's
4. Never allow yourself to with this or that had been otherwise
5. Never dwell on tomorrow -- remember that (tomorrow) is God's not ours
Wow, I can think about all the times I did so many of those. Especially since we lost Isaac and Sweet Pea. How times I think about that I would have Isaac here with me, if things were different. How I would be feeling Sweet Pea move and would know if Sweet Pea is a boy or girl. But God tells us not to go there. Tells us not to think that way. Everything that happens if for a reason. God has a plan and his Plan will happen. No matter what we do or say. We are not in control, God is.
I love when the author wrote this too:
"Looking back, I realize I did desire to trust God, but sometimes He was very slow. When He was moving at what I thought was a snail's pace. I unconsciously decided He needed my help. I know that sounds blasphemous. God doesn't need our help. Yet when I stepped in to a massage (the truer word is manipulate, but massage sounds better!) the circumstances or to organize the people, my actions were saying, "God, You're not doing what I think needs to be done, so I'll help You out. It's our "helping God out" that leads to an anxious heart. When we take over and try to control what happens, we take our focus off the One who is in control and put our eyes on our circumstances." Calming my Anxious Heart, By Linda Dillow
How many of us can say "that's me". I know I can. I did it. I kept telling myself "I needed to help God to get myself pregnant". I felt like we needed to make love every other day so that God "wouldn't miss my day or days of ovulation" How wrong was I ??? I was so wrong. and God showed that to me, when I lost Sweet Pea. God showed me that no matter what I did or how i did it, if it wasn't God's Plan it won't work.
So now I understand, I need to step back and let God do it in his time. I understand (and it still makes me sad) to know that God may decide that we are done having babies. And no matter how long or how much we make love, we will never get pregnant again or carry a baby to term. But that is not something I need to worry about. It is not something God wants me to worry about either. God wants me to live each day according to his Word and His Will for my life. I need to train myself to wake up each morning and ask God "show me what you want me to do today". I need to let God lead and I follow in every area of my life. This is not something that will happen over night. But it is something I will continue every day to aim for.
Even with sadness in our life, we can chose to be happy for what we have. I am happy that I have 5 earthly babies, and I am happy I have 2 Babies in Heaven. I will see those babies again!! I will spend the rest of my life with them and God willing the 5 I have here will all become believers and I will spend the rest of my life with all of my babies in Heaven!!
Christi
I have been there. I have lied to many when asked "how are you?" Because you know they really don't want to know. They want you to pretend your happy so they can feel good they asked you and go on there way.
But I am here to tell you, we can all truly be happy and mean it. We just have to let go of what we think we "need" to be happy. We need to trust God to provide what He "knows" we need. God knows what we need and when we will need it.
We can truly be Happy when we have allot and when we have nothing. It is a choice. We can choose to be happy no matter what happens. Paul (from the bible) was beaten and nearly killed many times in his life and he continued to choose to be Happy in God.
Paul wrote this while imprisoned in a dark, dreary prison. He was chained to a guard.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know that is is to be in need, and I know that it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:11-13)"
And we can have that too. We just need to trust God and not try and control everything. It is such a burden reliever when we chose to give the control back to God and chose to live our lives day by day according to God's Plan for us. We can chose to be happy no matter what. That doesn't mean you can't be sad when bad things happen (like miscarriages, baby loss, friend or family dies, and so much more) but it does mean that you trust God to get you through it. It also means you look for the positive things that can come out of the pain. It also means you have to let go of the people that bring you more pain. You have to let go of the things other than God that you turn to heal you and make you happy. You need to let God bring you healing and let God bring you joy.
I mean if Paul can be happy when being beaten, and almost killed, thrown in jail more than once. That I think we can chose to be happy with what we have. I mean most of most have a home (whether it's perfect or not), we have a place to live. We have clothes on our back, maybe not in style. But we have clothes. We have food to eat and beds to sleep in. We have more than so many. But yet we still aren't happy. Because we aren't looking for the right place to get our happiness from.
I am reading this book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by: Linda Dillow. I am reading for my Bible Study in my Women Group. I have read the 1st chapter and part of the 2nd chapter. In the 1st chapter she talked about a women named "Ella". She worked as a Missionary in Africa She was happy no matter what her circumstances. She had this written in her diary. She called it her "Prescription for Contentment"
1. Never allow yourself to complain about anything -- not even the weather
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. Never compare your lot with another's
4. Never allow yourself to with this or that had been otherwise
5. Never dwell on tomorrow -- remember that (tomorrow) is God's not ours
Wow, I can think about all the times I did so many of those. Especially since we lost Isaac and Sweet Pea. How times I think about that I would have Isaac here with me, if things were different. How I would be feeling Sweet Pea move and would know if Sweet Pea is a boy or girl. But God tells us not to go there. Tells us not to think that way. Everything that happens if for a reason. God has a plan and his Plan will happen. No matter what we do or say. We are not in control, God is.
I love when the author wrote this too:
"Looking back, I realize I did desire to trust God, but sometimes He was very slow. When He was moving at what I thought was a snail's pace. I unconsciously decided He needed my help. I know that sounds blasphemous. God doesn't need our help. Yet when I stepped in to a massage (the truer word is manipulate, but massage sounds better!) the circumstances or to organize the people, my actions were saying, "God, You're not doing what I think needs to be done, so I'll help You out. It's our "helping God out" that leads to an anxious heart. When we take over and try to control what happens, we take our focus off the One who is in control and put our eyes on our circumstances." Calming my Anxious Heart, By Linda Dillow
How many of us can say "that's me". I know I can. I did it. I kept telling myself "I needed to help God to get myself pregnant". I felt like we needed to make love every other day so that God "wouldn't miss my day or days of ovulation" How wrong was I ??? I was so wrong. and God showed that to me, when I lost Sweet Pea. God showed me that no matter what I did or how i did it, if it wasn't God's Plan it won't work.
So now I understand, I need to step back and let God do it in his time. I understand (and it still makes me sad) to know that God may decide that we are done having babies. And no matter how long or how much we make love, we will never get pregnant again or carry a baby to term. But that is not something I need to worry about. It is not something God wants me to worry about either. God wants me to live each day according to his Word and His Will for my life. I need to train myself to wake up each morning and ask God "show me what you want me to do today". I need to let God lead and I follow in every area of my life. This is not something that will happen over night. But it is something I will continue every day to aim for.
Even with sadness in our life, we can chose to be happy for what we have. I am happy that I have 5 earthly babies, and I am happy I have 2 Babies in Heaven. I will see those babies again!! I will spend the rest of my life with them and God willing the 5 I have here will all become believers and I will spend the rest of my life with all of my babies in Heaven!!
Christi
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Blood Work
So for the past 1 1/2 months we've been doing blood test after blood test to try and figure out why we lost 2 babies. I have seen 3 different doctors and have paid allot of co-pays.
But today we finally got the 2nd opinion we needed. I saw my OB today and he said the same thing my Arthritis doctor said. That we are clear to try again. We have found I do indeed have a blood clotting disorder. But one that is easy fixed with blood thinner injections. We have been told this is common and doesn't pose any risk to the baby. It would actually do the opposite. It would help from miscarrying again. I would do these injections for the whole pregnancy. So this is where we are. I will end up seeing 3 different doctors and will be labeled "High risk" but the likely hood of having a healthy baby is good.
But at the end of the day, unless it is God's Will injections or not, we will never bring another baby home. It has to be God's Will and His Plan for our lives. I am trusting God and his Will above my own. I want God's Will, I want his plan for my life, and for my families lives.
I am glad to have these tests done for now. I am glad to finally have answers. I am glad that God has allowed us to continue to try for another baby. And I am blessed to know now, that it will only happen when and if it is God's Will. I am glad to know that everyone is on the same page. We have blood work in waits for when and if we get pregnant again.
So now we wait and we pray and we trust God.
Also, today since we were at the hospital that I deliver Isaac, our 1st baby we lost. We went to the "Hope Garden". It is were the sprinkle the remains of the babies that were lost too early to have a true burial. It is much smaller than I thought it would be. But I felt a peace that I haven't felt before. It was a peace of knowing that my baby is there. My mom and I sat on the bench, and I cried like a baby. I was missing my Isaac and Sweet Pea so very much. My youngest loved walking and running on the rock steps. He kept asking me where Isaac was and why he couldn't see Isaac's body. Try explaining that to your 4 year old.
Well, I guess that is about it for now. Just learning to continue to trust God and remind myself that God's Will is so much better than mine!
Christi
But today we finally got the 2nd opinion we needed. I saw my OB today and he said the same thing my Arthritis doctor said. That we are clear to try again. We have found I do indeed have a blood clotting disorder. But one that is easy fixed with blood thinner injections. We have been told this is common and doesn't pose any risk to the baby. It would actually do the opposite. It would help from miscarrying again. I would do these injections for the whole pregnancy. So this is where we are. I will end up seeing 3 different doctors and will be labeled "High risk" but the likely hood of having a healthy baby is good.
But at the end of the day, unless it is God's Will injections or not, we will never bring another baby home. It has to be God's Will and His Plan for our lives. I am trusting God and his Will above my own. I want God's Will, I want his plan for my life, and for my families lives.
I am glad to have these tests done for now. I am glad to finally have answers. I am glad that God has allowed us to continue to try for another baby. And I am blessed to know now, that it will only happen when and if it is God's Will. I am glad to know that everyone is on the same page. We have blood work in waits for when and if we get pregnant again.
So now we wait and we pray and we trust God.
Also, today since we were at the hospital that I deliver Isaac, our 1st baby we lost. We went to the "Hope Garden". It is were the sprinkle the remains of the babies that were lost too early to have a true burial. It is much smaller than I thought it would be. But I felt a peace that I haven't felt before. It was a peace of knowing that my baby is there. My mom and I sat on the bench, and I cried like a baby. I was missing my Isaac and Sweet Pea so very much. My youngest loved walking and running on the rock steps. He kept asking me where Isaac was and why he couldn't see Isaac's body. Try explaining that to your 4 year old.
Well, I guess that is about it for now. Just learning to continue to trust God and remind myself that God's Will is so much better than mine!
Christi
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