Today is Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. Today we celebrate and we cried. We remembered where we were 1 year ago and how far we have come. We let go balloons with pictures from the kids and letters of love and sadness for Isaac. We let them go one by one and watched them until we could no longer see them.
We stood around Isaac's and Sweet Pea's tree. We said a prayer and told Isaac how much we loved him. We had each kid one at a time let go of their balloons. We had to tie 2 balloons together because the paper we had the kids draw on was too heavy for just one balloon. Thankfully I had gotten a tank after talking to a friend. Otherwise this would have broken my heart. But God knew it would happen and told me to get the tank.
Our friends Steven and Deanna and their sweet youngest daughter Isabelle came for the party tonight. Steven took pictures for us. And I can't wait to see them. They will be forever cherished! Having Isabelle there actually helped me, as I figured it would. She gave me someone to hold and helped me feel relaxed. She has helped me more than she will ever realize. I got to hold her when I was ready after I lost Sweet Pea. I got to love on her and hold her while she slept. Her mommy and daddy let me stay all day and just love on her and heal. Holding her didn't take away the pain of losing Isaac and Sweet Pea, but it gave me empty arms someone to hold even for a few hours. She has been a huge part of healing as her Mommy and Daddy!
They have been there to support me and love on me. They are truly Godly People and a blessing to myself and my family!
My Sweet Friend Chaunnessey also came this morning. She wasn't able to come tonight so she came this morning to hug me and love on me for a few minutes. And considering she lives over an hour away from me, and still came means the world to me. She understands the pain I feel. She's been in my shoes. She give me love and support and helps me when I feel like I can't keep going. She is there for me when I need to talk and sends me emails to let me know she is thinking about me and praying for me.
I want to share the email me send me yesterday:
"I know that precious little man is watching over you right now. Just know he loves his mama very much ad is waiting for you one day. I love you my sweet friend just know your loved and supported. You have the most precious gift of all two sweet beautiful angels holding you and loving you."
It made me cry and smile all at the same time! Just to know someone understood and still remembers means so much!
Our friends Deanna and Steven that came tonight, got us a card. They each wrote something for us and Isaac. Deanna also crocheted us a small stocking for Isaac. It has a small "I" on it. I love it!! I am going to hang it on the Christmas Tree when Christmas comes around. And until then, I will keep it safe in the place I put all Isaac's and Sweet Pea's special stuff. One day, I will get a box for them. Just not up to it yet. I also, still need to get their sonogram picture blown up and hung on the wall with the other kids baby pictures. She said that she'll make one for Sweet Pea as well for his Birthday.
I am not sure why it is so hard to get a box or blow up their pictures. I think part of it is time, with the kids home it makes it hard to get out. And part of it is just the pain and seeing the pictures again. I will one day too it, I know.
Anyways, it has been a very long day. And I am glad it is over. We have come a long way from 1 year ago. I have healed allot and still have a long ways to go. I am sure one day seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant women won't make me wanna cry and have a panic attack. One day I am sure :/
Thank you for coming along with me on this journey.
Christi
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
1 Year Ago... My Life Forever Changed
One year ago my world came crashing down. I went to my 15 1/2 week prenatal check up. I was so excited because the bleeding, spotting and discharge had finally stopped. I had thought finally this pregnancy was going to be ok and I was going to have a healthy baby in about 5 months.
But instead my world was turned upside down. The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it. I wasn't scared at this point. This had happened once before with one of my other kids. And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.
It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there. So the doctor did the sonogram. Again I wasn't worried at this point. I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's.
So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat. My Sweet Baby had died. I didn't realize it at 1st. After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat." I asked the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?" He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't. All you hear was the beep...... Like you do when someone flat lines. It was the worse sound a mama can hear.
He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone. I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone. He didn't understand and was in shock. We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go. They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion. While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me. He was in shock and didn't know what to do. He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there. I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it. He asked me, weren't you half way there. I said yes, but it can still happen. There was no heart beat and our baby had died. He was crying and I was crying. Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end. They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit. I was still crying and trying to keep it together. I was hoping for a miracle. I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.
They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed. I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle. He did, just not the way I was hoping. They finally brought me back into the sonogram room. They found the baby but again no heart beat. Our baby was indeed gone. They figured he had passed about 1 week before. I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive. They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there. So they sent me back upstairs.
I sat in the room and waited for my doctor. He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out. I wasn't given allot of opinions. Pretty much told we had to do a d&c. Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me. It is NOT what I wanted. But I agreed to it. We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with). So we scheduled my d&c for Friday. He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out. He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix. It is suppose to help your cervix dilate. So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there, And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!! I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.
I left the office as a different person than when I came in. I would never and will never be the same person. I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.
I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home. So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house. My husband was there working. So I parked the car and got out. My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me. We both cried and just stood there and held each other. We finally made our way into the house. We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say. I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.
We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do. He said he'd talk to the kids. We still weren't sure what we would tell them. So we finally got it together enough and drove home. I went into the room to get myself together and change. We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch. Our 5th was still at church camp. He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday. After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away. It was really basic and we didn't go into depth. Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say. And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.
My kids lost their innocent that night. They lost their baby brother. They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home. They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven. They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this.
I didn't sleep that night. I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby. It just didn't make sense. The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp. I couldn't go out of the house. Thankfully she was glad to help. She dropped him off later that afternoon. And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong. I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him. He cried and I cried. He was forever changed that day. He grew up that day. He became a young man that day. He held me and cried and I held him and cried.
I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods. At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot. I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own. I didn't want the d&c. I didn't want my baby to be ripped away. I wanted to have my baby my whole baby. So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.
They sent me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect. They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies. It was so sad and I was just crying. I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby. My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.
I was told to go home and rest. I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c. Again I was still praying for a miracle. I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor. I had everyone I had talked to, to pray. My heart was breaking. I was sad. I felt alone. I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them. And to this day, I still do. I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive. I don't need more drama.
Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up to go potty. I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable. My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so. I was still cramping and in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water. She told me "your in labor". I was in shock. I had never been in labor before. But it was a true miracle.. My body was doing what it needed to do. What I wanted it to do.
I called my doctor and talked to the nurse. They told me to come in right away. Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER. My husband met us there. They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D). They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine. My contractions were coming every minute. It was the most intense pain I had every been in. But it was another miracle.
Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel. I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away. They never even told me they took him. They just cut his cord and took him away. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get any pictures. But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.
My miracles:
1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life
What I went through was hell. And it isn't fair. It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not. I don't wish what I went through on anyone. I didn't ask to lose Isaac. But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon. We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me. They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me. And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.
A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone. That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby. You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have. But yet God still gives them kids. And here we are. We wanted Isaac so much. We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea. But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.
I know God has plan. He has brought us through this 1st year. He had carried me most days. I couldn't breath without God giving it to me. I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me. I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others. I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory. I am who I am because of God. I am where I am because of God.
This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body. We will be having a small party. We have asked a few close friends to come and join us. We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes. I want to put a candle on each cupcake. I want each person to either say a wish or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out. We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon. We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday. I love him so much!! I miss him so much!! But I am grateful to know where He is. He is in Heaven. He is safe and in no pain. He has God and Jesus to keep him safe. He has so much family and a brother in Heaven.
God will call me home when he is ready. And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing and my husband. I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.
Well, this is my story. This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life. A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!
Christi
But instead my world was turned upside down. The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it. I wasn't scared at this point. This had happened once before with one of my other kids. And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.
It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there. So the doctor did the sonogram. Again I wasn't worried at this point. I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's.
So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat. My Sweet Baby had died. I didn't realize it at 1st. After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat." I asked the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?" He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't. All you hear was the beep...... Like you do when someone flat lines. It was the worse sound a mama can hear.
He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone. I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone. He didn't understand and was in shock. We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go. They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion. While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me. He was in shock and didn't know what to do. He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there. I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it. He asked me, weren't you half way there. I said yes, but it can still happen. There was no heart beat and our baby had died. He was crying and I was crying. Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end. They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit. I was still crying and trying to keep it together. I was hoping for a miracle. I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.
They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed. I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle. He did, just not the way I was hoping. They finally brought me back into the sonogram room. They found the baby but again no heart beat. Our baby was indeed gone. They figured he had passed about 1 week before. I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive. They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there. So they sent me back upstairs.
I sat in the room and waited for my doctor. He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out. I wasn't given allot of opinions. Pretty much told we had to do a d&c. Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me. It is NOT what I wanted. But I agreed to it. We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with). So we scheduled my d&c for Friday. He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out. He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix. It is suppose to help your cervix dilate. So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there, And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!! I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.
I left the office as a different person than when I came in. I would never and will never be the same person. I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.
I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home. So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house. My husband was there working. So I parked the car and got out. My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me. We both cried and just stood there and held each other. We finally made our way into the house. We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say. I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.
We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do. He said he'd talk to the kids. We still weren't sure what we would tell them. So we finally got it together enough and drove home. I went into the room to get myself together and change. We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch. Our 5th was still at church camp. He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday. After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away. It was really basic and we didn't go into depth. Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say. And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.
My kids lost their innocent that night. They lost their baby brother. They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home. They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven. They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this.
I didn't sleep that night. I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby. It just didn't make sense. The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp. I couldn't go out of the house. Thankfully she was glad to help. She dropped him off later that afternoon. And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong. I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him. He cried and I cried. He was forever changed that day. He grew up that day. He became a young man that day. He held me and cried and I held him and cried.
I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods. At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot. I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own. I didn't want the d&c. I didn't want my baby to be ripped away. I wanted to have my baby my whole baby. So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.
They sent me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect. They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies. It was so sad and I was just crying. I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby. My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.
I was told to go home and rest. I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c. Again I was still praying for a miracle. I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor. I had everyone I had talked to, to pray. My heart was breaking. I was sad. I felt alone. I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them. And to this day, I still do. I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive. I don't need more drama.
Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up to go potty. I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable. My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so. I was still cramping and in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water. She told me "your in labor". I was in shock. I had never been in labor before. But it was a true miracle.. My body was doing what it needed to do. What I wanted it to do.
I called my doctor and talked to the nurse. They told me to come in right away. Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER. My husband met us there. They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D). They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine. My contractions were coming every minute. It was the most intense pain I had every been in. But it was another miracle.
Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel. I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away. They never even told me they took him. They just cut his cord and took him away. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get any pictures. But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.
My miracles:
1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life
What I went through was hell. And it isn't fair. It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not. I don't wish what I went through on anyone. I didn't ask to lose Isaac. But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon. We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me. They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me. And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.
A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone. That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby. You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have. But yet God still gives them kids. And here we are. We wanted Isaac so much. We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea. But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.
I know God has plan. He has brought us through this 1st year. He had carried me most days. I couldn't breath without God giving it to me. I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me. I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others. I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory. I am who I am because of God. I am where I am because of God.
This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body. We will be having a small party. We have asked a few close friends to come and join us. We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes. I want to put a candle on each cupcake. I want each person to either say a wish or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out. We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon. We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday. I love him so much!! I miss him so much!! But I am grateful to know where He is. He is in Heaven. He is safe and in no pain. He has God and Jesus to keep him safe. He has so much family and a brother in Heaven.
God will call me home when he is ready. And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing and my husband. I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.
Well, this is my story. This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life. A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!
Christi
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Sometimes Life Just Sucks
Well, I was so hoping that God was going to bless us with another baby. But no. I was 9 days late and took about 12 pregnancies test. They call came out not pregnant. But for me that is normal. So to be sure, I went and had a blood test done on Monday. My sweet nurse knowing how bad I needed to know, called me at 8:30 Tuesday morning. Only to break my heart. My HCG level was -.02. I am not pregnant. And my lovely period came shortly later Tuesday morning.
I cried oh I cried. I was mad. not at God, but at life. Why would my period be 10 days late only not to be pregnant. Why when I want a baby so bad, and have been doing my best to give it to God, does it have to be late? I have been doing good about not stressing when we can't make love allot and I don't try to plan each time we're going to make love. I have been doing my best not to get upset if we can't make love when I want to. And then it comes late, I get my hopes up. And then to find out I wasn't. Just heart breaking. I want to scream "it's not fair", because it's not.
Before my last living child, I could get pregnant within months. With the exception of my 1st. It took us 9 month to find out I had hypro-throid. Which was keeping me from getting pregnant. But then within 3 weeks of medicine I was pregnant. And then the next 3 pregnancies happened without problems. Even with baby #5 it was a total surprise. But then fast forward 1 1/2 year we start trying for baby #6. But no luck. Two in a half years later and we finally get pregnant. Only to lose that baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant again, only to lose that baby. And now 9 months later we're still not pregnant. I"m starting to wonder if I will have another living baby. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I ever feel another baby move in my tummy.
So many people I know are either pregnant or have a new baby. I don't want what they have. I want what my heart has desired for 3 1/2 years. I want another baby. I want my baby. Problem is my body is so screwed up. My cycle is messed up. I thought it was starting to get regular, and maybe that would help us get pregnant. But that went out the window.
I know it is in God's hands. But I wish He'd tell me if it will ever happen. I have gotten better about not breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. But when it is 10 days late and that's the most overdue I have been since before I lost Sweet Pea. I did my best not to get my hopes up. And I wouldn't let myself think ahead or even think about when I might be due. I couldn't, it would just make it more painful.
Then on top of all this, my hubby is out of town and my baby girl has a staph infection that turned into MRSA. She is hopefully getting better, but it will be a long road. She was in the the ER twice and had to have 2 of the huge bug bite that got infected really bad drained. Those are finally starting to look like they are healing. It was so hard to see her in pain and them cutting into these bites and drain them. I wanted to cry with her. We still have to change the bandages twice a day, and she has to soak in the tub with epson salt twice a day. Taking those bandages off is killing her. She screams and kicks. Ugg. Drives me crazy.
So to recap my week and it's only Wednesday: I found out I am not pregnant, my daughter has MRSA, and my hubby is out of town. This week just sucks. I am hoping it gets better soon, I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel like I could sleep for days and it would still not be enough.
Well, I wanted to just be real and show that Life sucks sometimes. Even as a Christian we have hard roads and life sucks sometimes. But at least I know God is still in control and God is holding me!
Enjoy,
Christi
I cried oh I cried. I was mad. not at God, but at life. Why would my period be 10 days late only not to be pregnant. Why when I want a baby so bad, and have been doing my best to give it to God, does it have to be late? I have been doing good about not stressing when we can't make love allot and I don't try to plan each time we're going to make love. I have been doing my best not to get upset if we can't make love when I want to. And then it comes late, I get my hopes up. And then to find out I wasn't. Just heart breaking. I want to scream "it's not fair", because it's not.
Before my last living child, I could get pregnant within months. With the exception of my 1st. It took us 9 month to find out I had hypro-throid. Which was keeping me from getting pregnant. But then within 3 weeks of medicine I was pregnant. And then the next 3 pregnancies happened without problems. Even with baby #5 it was a total surprise. But then fast forward 1 1/2 year we start trying for baby #6. But no luck. Two in a half years later and we finally get pregnant. Only to lose that baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant again, only to lose that baby. And now 9 months later we're still not pregnant. I"m starting to wonder if I will have another living baby. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I ever feel another baby move in my tummy.
So many people I know are either pregnant or have a new baby. I don't want what they have. I want what my heart has desired for 3 1/2 years. I want another baby. I want my baby. Problem is my body is so screwed up. My cycle is messed up. I thought it was starting to get regular, and maybe that would help us get pregnant. But that went out the window.
I know it is in God's hands. But I wish He'd tell me if it will ever happen. I have gotten better about not breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. But when it is 10 days late and that's the most overdue I have been since before I lost Sweet Pea. I did my best not to get my hopes up. And I wouldn't let myself think ahead or even think about when I might be due. I couldn't, it would just make it more painful.
Then on top of all this, my hubby is out of town and my baby girl has a staph infection that turned into MRSA. She is hopefully getting better, but it will be a long road. She was in the the ER twice and had to have 2 of the huge bug bite that got infected really bad drained. Those are finally starting to look like they are healing. It was so hard to see her in pain and them cutting into these bites and drain them. I wanted to cry with her. We still have to change the bandages twice a day, and she has to soak in the tub with epson salt twice a day. Taking those bandages off is killing her. She screams and kicks. Ugg. Drives me crazy.
So to recap my week and it's only Wednesday: I found out I am not pregnant, my daughter has MRSA, and my hubby is out of town. This week just sucks. I am hoping it gets better soon, I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel like I could sleep for days and it would still not be enough.
Well, I wanted to just be real and show that Life sucks sometimes. Even as a Christian we have hard roads and life sucks sometimes. But at least I know God is still in control and God is holding me!
Enjoy,
Christi
Friday, July 6, 2012
Just another day
Today is just another day in my journey. I am trying to prepare myself for my sweet son Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. His Birthday is July 21, 2011. I have asked 3 close friends to come and 2 of them are coming.
One of them has offered to take pictures for us. And that touched my heart. It will be wonderful to have some pictures of Isaac's 1st Birthday. I have decided that I do not want this to be a very sad time. Birthday's shouldn't be sad. They are a celebration. And that is what I want Isaac's Birthday to be. Yes he is not with us and is in Heaven. But he isn't sad. He isn't in pain. He is having a blast in Heaven. And we need to celebrate that.
I want to celebrate His short Life. He and Sweet Pea saved my life. Without losing them I would not know about my blooding clotting disorders and other medical issues I have.
I am hoping to have a small cake or cupcakes. I also want to let go of balloons, and I want the kids to write or draw something for Isaac to attach to the balloons before we let them go.
I am also thinking of moving the party after the balloon release to my hubby's moms house to let the kids go swimming. I want them to enjoy the day and not have memories of sadness. We will have lots of Birthdays to come for Isaac and Sweet Pea. And I am sure with each one it will get easier, but I will always miss them.
One of them has offered to take pictures for us. And that touched my heart. It will be wonderful to have some pictures of Isaac's 1st Birthday. I have decided that I do not want this to be a very sad time. Birthday's shouldn't be sad. They are a celebration. And that is what I want Isaac's Birthday to be. Yes he is not with us and is in Heaven. But he isn't sad. He isn't in pain. He is having a blast in Heaven. And we need to celebrate that.
I want to celebrate His short Life. He and Sweet Pea saved my life. Without losing them I would not know about my blooding clotting disorders and other medical issues I have.
I am hoping to have a small cake or cupcakes. I also want to let go of balloons, and I want the kids to write or draw something for Isaac to attach to the balloons before we let them go.
I am also thinking of moving the party after the balloon release to my hubby's moms house to let the kids go swimming. I want them to enjoy the day and not have memories of sadness. We will have lots of Birthdays to come for Isaac and Sweet Pea. And I am sure with each one it will get easier, but I will always miss them.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I'm so excited...
I am excited that my friend, Tricia, from Lil Angels Hankies shared my blog yesterday. I've had some new visitors! I hope if you come by you'll click to be one of my followers.
I started this blog to give me a place to share my story of Isaac's and Sweet Pea's short lives. And how they have forever changed me. I hate that other mom's have gone through the pain of using a baby. But I am glad to give them a place to come to andd see they are not alone. And what they are feeling and going through is normal.
I posted this on my FB page and on a support group I am a member of: "when will the pain stop? The answer is never. It will never stop hurting. I'm separated from 2 of my babies. My heart breaks for them. God has them, I know. But my arms long to hold them, my lips long to kiss them, and my eyes long to see them for the 1st time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, and having other babies at home will never take the sting away. Nothing anyone can say or do will ever heal the pain."
It is how I am feeling. Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven is less than a month away. I am not sure how I will do that day. I am sure I will cry allot. I am hoping to have a birthday cake for Isaac and balloons to let go for him from all the kids and hubby and I. There won't be allot of people there. We'll do it in our back yard, where we planted Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I want just our kids, my husband, my mom, and I. I am thinking of asking a very special friend that took me to the hospital when I went into labor if she'll come. I need to talk to Hubby 1st.
Well, I guess since I have more people coming to visit my blog. I will need to start writing more and more often. I will do my best. If you come by, I hope you leave a comment. And I hope you'll become a follower :)
Enjoy,
Christi
I started this blog to give me a place to share my story of Isaac's and Sweet Pea's short lives. And how they have forever changed me. I hate that other mom's have gone through the pain of using a baby. But I am glad to give them a place to come to andd see they are not alone. And what they are feeling and going through is normal.
I posted this on my FB page and on a support group I am a member of: "when will the pain stop? The answer is never. It will never stop hurting. I'm separated from 2 of my babies. My heart breaks for them. God has them, I know. But my arms long to hold them, my lips long to kiss them, and my eyes long to see them for the 1st time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, and having other babies at home will never take the sting away. Nothing anyone can say or do will ever heal the pain."
It is how I am feeling. Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven is less than a month away. I am not sure how I will do that day. I am sure I will cry allot. I am hoping to have a birthday cake for Isaac and balloons to let go for him from all the kids and hubby and I. There won't be allot of people there. We'll do it in our back yard, where we planted Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I want just our kids, my husband, my mom, and I. I am thinking of asking a very special friend that took me to the hospital when I went into labor if she'll come. I need to talk to Hubby 1st.
Well, I guess since I have more people coming to visit my blog. I will need to start writing more and more often. I will do my best. If you come by, I hope you leave a comment. And I hope you'll become a follower :)
Enjoy,
Christi
Monday, June 4, 2012
I have a Dream
I have a dream just as Martin Luther King Jr. did. But my dream is a little different. My dream is for the topic of "Miscarriage" not to be taboo.
I am so sick of trying to tiptoe around people or being made like I shouldn't talk about my babies. I have a right to talk about them. Anyone who has lost a baby or babies has a right to talk about them. No matter how far along you were, they will always be your babies.
Having a miscariage is so much more common than most people realize. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. That's allot. And do you realize how islocated we feel? We're made to feel like it isn't soomething we should talk about or that people don't want to hear about it. But we need to talk about it. We need to share our story. We need to heal and talking about our story helps.
I am an open book when it comes to my miscarriages. You have questions, and I have answers. I talk about my babies all the time. You ask me how many kids I have, I'll tell you 7. I am Mommy to all of them. I delivered all 7 of them. I have a right to acknogle them all. And I will continue to do it until the day God calls me home.
I have a necklace I wear. It used to be just a marriage charm. But now it has 2 heart charms too. The heart charms say "The Heart Remembers", and on the back of each charm has the name of our babies and the day I deliverd their bodies. I love these charms. I love when someone asks about my charms. Because it gives me another opporunity to talk about my babies.
What I love about sharing my story, is that it gives other mom's the opporunity to share theirs. There are so many people I have meet that have also lost babies. The thing is that unless I shared my story, I would have never known about their losses. They wouldn't have been able to share their story.
Through my pain, I have found so many blessing. One of them is being able to help other mom's feel comfortable to share their babies stories. God has lead me to so many other women that I have come to find out also has lost a baby. He has put me in situations where I am able to share my story and then able to listen to their story. It is awesome to be used by God. I love that God is using my pain for his Glory.
Today was one of those day's. I went by the AAA store to renew our membership. While I was there I was talking to the lady helping me. And then I left while she got some maps done for our trip. I had a couple stores to go to while I waited. I came back about 30 minutes later. She showed me the maps and directions and such. She then asked me about my necklace. I told her about my charms and about Isaac and Sweet Pea. She asked how far along I was with both and what happened. I told her and then made the statement "it is really hard, but so many blessing have come from it". She asked "really, how?" I told her, that I have met so many mom's that I would have never met otherwise. And how it saved my life with finding the blood clotting disorders and so many others.
She then shared her story with me. Yes, she also had a miscarriage. She lost her baby at 4 weeks into the pregnancy. It broke my heart! I asked if she had any other babies, she said no. I told her to keep praying about it and keep asking God for that baby she desires. I told her too, to always remember that she is a MOM! Just because she doesn't have a baby in her arms, she is still a mom. When she conceived that baby. We talked about seeing our babies in Heaven one day. She was so sweet! I told her about the support group that is held close by that I go too. I gave her my name and number and told her I'd love to come with me to the meeting in June.
It was definally a God moment. He had me go at that moment and had that women help me. It is amazing the way God can and will us you if you only allow Him to do so.
I hate that we lost 2 babies. But without that I wouldn't be able to minister to women and share my story and give them the opportunity to share theirs. I also wouldn't be on the mission to make Miscarriage a subject that is NO longer thought of as taboo. It happens. It happens allot. And no one should be made to feel like they can't talk about it and share their pain and hurt. No one should be made to feel or told that they can't include their baby or babies because they are no longer with them.
Your babies are your babies and you should always be to share them!
I'm sorry if this didn't make allot of sense or flow well. I sounded better in my head, lol....
Enjoy,
Christi
I am so sick of trying to tiptoe around people or being made like I shouldn't talk about my babies. I have a right to talk about them. Anyone who has lost a baby or babies has a right to talk about them. No matter how far along you were, they will always be your babies.
Having a miscariage is so much more common than most people realize. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. That's allot. And do you realize how islocated we feel? We're made to feel like it isn't soomething we should talk about or that people don't want to hear about it. But we need to talk about it. We need to share our story. We need to heal and talking about our story helps.
I am an open book when it comes to my miscarriages. You have questions, and I have answers. I talk about my babies all the time. You ask me how many kids I have, I'll tell you 7. I am Mommy to all of them. I delivered all 7 of them. I have a right to acknogle them all. And I will continue to do it until the day God calls me home.
I have a necklace I wear. It used to be just a marriage charm. But now it has 2 heart charms too. The heart charms say "The Heart Remembers", and on the back of each charm has the name of our babies and the day I deliverd their bodies. I love these charms. I love when someone asks about my charms. Because it gives me another opporunity to talk about my babies.
What I love about sharing my story, is that it gives other mom's the opporunity to share theirs. There are so many people I have meet that have also lost babies. The thing is that unless I shared my story, I would have never known about their losses. They wouldn't have been able to share their story.
Through my pain, I have found so many blessing. One of them is being able to help other mom's feel comfortable to share their babies stories. God has lead me to so many other women that I have come to find out also has lost a baby. He has put me in situations where I am able to share my story and then able to listen to their story. It is awesome to be used by God. I love that God is using my pain for his Glory.
Today was one of those day's. I went by the AAA store to renew our membership. While I was there I was talking to the lady helping me. And then I left while she got some maps done for our trip. I had a couple stores to go to while I waited. I came back about 30 minutes later. She showed me the maps and directions and such. She then asked me about my necklace. I told her about my charms and about Isaac and Sweet Pea. She asked how far along I was with both and what happened. I told her and then made the statement "it is really hard, but so many blessing have come from it". She asked "really, how?" I told her, that I have met so many mom's that I would have never met otherwise. And how it saved my life with finding the blood clotting disorders and so many others.
She then shared her story with me. Yes, she also had a miscarriage. She lost her baby at 4 weeks into the pregnancy. It broke my heart! I asked if she had any other babies, she said no. I told her to keep praying about it and keep asking God for that baby she desires. I told her too, to always remember that she is a MOM! Just because she doesn't have a baby in her arms, she is still a mom. When she conceived that baby. We talked about seeing our babies in Heaven one day. She was so sweet! I told her about the support group that is held close by that I go too. I gave her my name and number and told her I'd love to come with me to the meeting in June.
It was definally a God moment. He had me go at that moment and had that women help me. It is amazing the way God can and will us you if you only allow Him to do so.
I hate that we lost 2 babies. But without that I wouldn't be able to minister to women and share my story and give them the opportunity to share theirs. I also wouldn't be on the mission to make Miscarriage a subject that is NO longer thought of as taboo. It happens. It happens allot. And no one should be made to feel like they can't talk about it and share their pain and hurt. No one should be made to feel or told that they can't include their baby or babies because they are no longer with them.
Your babies are your babies and you should always be to share them!
I'm sorry if this didn't make allot of sense or flow well. I sounded better in my head, lol....
Enjoy,
Christi
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Mother's Day
How do you celebrate Mother's Day when you've had a loss? I asked myself that year. I have never experienced a loss of a child before.
Last year right before Mother's Day, I found out I was expecting Isaac. After 2 1/2 years, I finally conceived again. We tried for 2 1/2 years to have baby number 6. After many tears, and months of crying when Aunt Flow would come. We finally got a positive pregnancy test.
We went a couple weeks later, and saw His heartbeat. Was such an awesome feeling! Then the next night I started bleeding. I went from being on Cloud 9 to my heart stopping.
Then at 15 1/2 weeks, I found out my Sweet Isaac had passed away. I went from being so excited about having another baby, to a part of myself dying.
I asked a dear friend how she celebrates Mother's Day. She lost her daughter, at birth. Then several months later she had a miscarriage. I know she had felt the pain I was and am feeling. I knew she had wisdom I needed and wanted. She told me to do something that would help me grieve, something that would help me feel closer to my babies.
I thought about it for a while, and then it came to me. I wanted to visit Isaac. At the hospital where I delivered him they have a little garden called, The Hope Garden, where they sprinkle the ashes of babies that are born before 20 weeks. I wanted to spend some time on Saturday with Isaac. I know that Sweet Pea's body isn't at the garden. But I knew I'd feel him there too.
So I asked a friend who also lost a baby to come with me. Thankfully she did! We spent almost 2 hours there on Saturday. I had decided that I want to spend some time the Saturday before Mother's Day with my Heavenly babies. And then Sunday with my Earthly Babies from now on. I need to include all my babies in my Mother's Day. They are all my babies no matter whether or not they are in my arms or my hearts.
For me that is something I need, and thankfully I have a husband that understands and is supportive! It felt so good to spend time with my babies. All my babies. They all deserve to have some time with me.
So my friend and I went Saturday. To the Hope Garden. We brought balloons and wrote notes to our Heavenly Babies. We sat and talked and I cried. I cried for the things I would never have with my babies. I asked if it ever gets easier and that I am not sure if I will ever have another baby.
Finally we tied the notes to the balloons. I had like 8 balloons. But we waited a while before we let them go. We had 2 notes per baby. So that was a total of 6 letters. Normally if we had set the balloons within a hour or 2 of them being filled. They would have been able to take 2 notes per balloon. But because we waited so long, they didn't want to go. We tried 2 balloons each, and then 3. Nothing worked. I started to get sad.
We finally decided to do just 1 note per baby and tie all the balloons together. By the Grace of God it worked! They lifted into the air. So we took them to a place where they wouldn't get stuck in the tree, so we thought.... We took pictures and then together let them go. But with our luck, they got stuck. On the one tree limb that was anywhere close. I didn't know what to do. We tried to throw rocks at them. Didn't work. So then we started praying. We asked God to allow the balloons to go and be set free. We called to our boys to help the balloons to fly. We prayed that God would allow the wind to blow and make the tree branches and leaves to blow.
After about 5 minutes of cheering on the babies to get the balloons and praying that God would send wind. The balloons were flying. They flew and flew and went into the clouds. We watched until we couldn't see the balloons anymore. We sat and talked a bit more and just enjoyed the peace and comfort of knowing our babies were close.
It was an awesome time and so peaceful.
Then Sunday, I got to spend the day with my Hubby and with my Earthly Babies. I got to sleep in and then away to laundry. But that's ok, because I am grateful to have kids to have clothes to wash for.... Then I got cards, one for each of my Earthly Babies, and then lawn art for each of my babies. And I mean all of them!! My mom and hubby got one for all 7 of my babies. I cried....not sad tears but happy tears. Tears that all my babies were included. That all my babies were remembered and included. It touched my heart. It made my heart filled. It gave me day peace. I got to put them all in our garden and put Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Windmills by there Tree we planted out back.
I can't tell you how much my Mother's Day did my heart good. But I can tell you it did. I told my hubby that I would like him to do something like that and include Isaac and Sweet Pea for every Mother's Day. He doesn't have to do that for everything, just for Mother's Day. I need that and I want that.
I have the best Mom and Husband in the whole world. For them to include my babies that aren't here anymore. Is just awesome. And most husband won't do this. Not because their mean and heartless. But because they don't know how to do it or that you want them to do it. You have to speak up and tell your husband what you want. And do it nicely.
I hope that even if you have babies in Heaven, that you were able to have a good Mother's Day. Remember to do what makes you happy and what it can help to make it easier and more peaceful for you!
This is a Lavender Twist Redbud. It is in the Weeping Willow Family.
Last year right before Mother's Day, I found out I was expecting Isaac. After 2 1/2 years, I finally conceived again. We tried for 2 1/2 years to have baby number 6. After many tears, and months of crying when Aunt Flow would come. We finally got a positive pregnancy test.
We went a couple weeks later, and saw His heartbeat. Was such an awesome feeling! Then the next night I started bleeding. I went from being on Cloud 9 to my heart stopping.
Then at 15 1/2 weeks, I found out my Sweet Isaac had passed away. I went from being so excited about having another baby, to a part of myself dying.
I asked a dear friend how she celebrates Mother's Day. She lost her daughter, at birth. Then several months later she had a miscarriage. I know she had felt the pain I was and am feeling. I knew she had wisdom I needed and wanted. She told me to do something that would help me grieve, something that would help me feel closer to my babies.
I thought about it for a while, and then it came to me. I wanted to visit Isaac. At the hospital where I delivered him they have a little garden called, The Hope Garden, where they sprinkle the ashes of babies that are born before 20 weeks. I wanted to spend some time on Saturday with Isaac. I know that Sweet Pea's body isn't at the garden. But I knew I'd feel him there too.
So I asked a friend who also lost a baby to come with me. Thankfully she did! We spent almost 2 hours there on Saturday. I had decided that I want to spend some time the Saturday before Mother's Day with my Heavenly babies. And then Sunday with my Earthly Babies from now on. I need to include all my babies in my Mother's Day. They are all my babies no matter whether or not they are in my arms or my hearts.
For me that is something I need, and thankfully I have a husband that understands and is supportive! It felt so good to spend time with my babies. All my babies. They all deserve to have some time with me.
So my friend and I went Saturday. To the Hope Garden. We brought balloons and wrote notes to our Heavenly Babies. We sat and talked and I cried. I cried for the things I would never have with my babies. I asked if it ever gets easier and that I am not sure if I will ever have another baby.
Finally we tied the notes to the balloons. I had like 8 balloons. But we waited a while before we let them go. We had 2 notes per baby. So that was a total of 6 letters. Normally if we had set the balloons within a hour or 2 of them being filled. They would have been able to take 2 notes per balloon. But because we waited so long, they didn't want to go. We tried 2 balloons each, and then 3. Nothing worked. I started to get sad.
We finally decided to do just 1 note per baby and tie all the balloons together. By the Grace of God it worked! They lifted into the air. So we took them to a place where they wouldn't get stuck in the tree, so we thought.... We took pictures and then together let them go. But with our luck, they got stuck. On the one tree limb that was anywhere close. I didn't know what to do. We tried to throw rocks at them. Didn't work. So then we started praying. We asked God to allow the balloons to go and be set free. We called to our boys to help the balloons to fly. We prayed that God would allow the wind to blow and make the tree branches and leaves to blow.
After about 5 minutes of cheering on the babies to get the balloons and praying that God would send wind. The balloons were flying. They flew and flew and went into the clouds. We watched until we couldn't see the balloons anymore. We sat and talked a bit more and just enjoyed the peace and comfort of knowing our babies were close.
It was an awesome time and so peaceful.
Then Sunday, I got to spend the day with my Hubby and with my Earthly Babies. I got to sleep in and then away to laundry. But that's ok, because I am grateful to have kids to have clothes to wash for.... Then I got cards, one for each of my Earthly Babies, and then lawn art for each of my babies. And I mean all of them!! My mom and hubby got one for all 7 of my babies. I cried....not sad tears but happy tears. Tears that all my babies were included. That all my babies were remembered and included. It touched my heart. It made my heart filled. It gave me day peace. I got to put them all in our garden and put Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Windmills by there Tree we planted out back.
I can't tell you how much my Mother's Day did my heart good. But I can tell you it did. I told my hubby that I would like him to do something like that and include Isaac and Sweet Pea for every Mother's Day. He doesn't have to do that for everything, just for Mother's Day. I need that and I want that.
I have the best Mom and Husband in the whole world. For them to include my babies that aren't here anymore. Is just awesome. And most husband won't do this. Not because their mean and heartless. But because they don't know how to do it or that you want them to do it. You have to speak up and tell your husband what you want. And do it nicely.
I hope that even if you have babies in Heaven, that you were able to have a good Mother's Day. Remember to do what makes you happy and what it can help to make it easier and more peaceful for you!
My Earthly Angels and My Heavenly Angels are together
My Earthly Angel's standing by the Tree we planted
for their Brother's Isaac and Sweet Pea
This is the Tree My Hubby and I picked out to
Honor and Celebrate Isaac's and Sweet Pea's
Lives and their Part in our Family
This is a Lavender Twist Redbud. It is in the Weeping Willow Family.
I thought that was perfect. It is weeping for our Babies just as we are.
Enjoy,
Christi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)