1 Year Ago... My Life Forever Changed

One year ago my world came crashing down.  I went to my 15 1/2 week prenatal check up.  I was so excited because the bleeding, spotting and discharge had finally stopped.  I had thought finally this pregnancy was going to be ok and I was going to have a healthy baby in about 5 months. 

But instead my world was turned upside down.  The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler.  Unfortunately, he couldn't find it.  I wasn't scared at this point.  This had happened once before with one of my other kids.  And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.

It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there.  So the doctor did the sonogram.  Again I wasn't worried at this point.  I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's. 

So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat.  My Sweet Baby had died.  I didn't realize it at 1st.  After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat."  I asked  the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?"  He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't.  All you hear was the beep......  Like you do when someone flat lines.  It was the worse sound a mama can hear.

He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone.  I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone.  He didn't understand and was in shock.  We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go.  They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion.  While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me.  He was in shock and didn't know what to do.  He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there.  I kept telling him no.  I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it.  He asked me, weren't you half way there.  I said yes, but it can still happen.  There was no heart beat and our baby had died.  He was crying and I was crying.  Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end.  They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit.  I was still crying and trying to keep it together.  I was hoping for a miracle.  I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.

They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed.  I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle.  He did, just not the way I was hoping.  They finally brought me back into the sonogram room.  They found the baby but again no heart beat.  Our baby was indeed gone.  They figured he had passed about 1 week before.  I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive.  They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there.  So they sent me back upstairs.

I sat in the room and waited for my doctor.  He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out.  I wasn't given allot of opinions.  Pretty much told we had to do a d&c.  Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me.  It is NOT what I wanted.  But I agreed to it.  We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with).  So we scheduled my d&c for Friday.  He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out.  He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix.  It is suppose to help your cervix dilate.  So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there,  And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!!  I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.

I left the office as a different person than when I came in.  I would never and will never be the same person.  I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.

I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home.  So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house.  My husband was there working.  So I parked the car and got out.  My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me.  We both cried and just stood there and held each other.  We finally made our way into the house.  We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say.  I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.

We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do.  He said he'd talk to the kids.  We still weren't sure what we would tell them.  So we finally got it together enough and drove home.  I went into the room to get myself together and change.  We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch.  Our 5th was still at church camp.  He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday.  After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away.  It was really basic and we didn't go into depth.  Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say.  And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.

My kids lost their innocent that night.  They lost their baby brother.  They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home.  They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven.  They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this. 

I didn't sleep that night.  I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby.  It just didn't make sense.  The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp.  I couldn't go out of the house.  Thankfully she was glad to help.  She dropped him off later that afternoon.  And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong.  I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him.  He cried and I cried.  He was forever changed that day.  He grew up that day.  He became a young man that day.  He held me and cried and I held him and cried.

I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods.  At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot.  I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own.  I didn't want the d&c.  I didn't want my baby to be ripped away.  I wanted to have my baby my whole baby.  So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.

They sent  me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect.  They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies.  It was so sad and I was just crying.  I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby.  My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.

I was told to go home and rest.  I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c.  Again I was still praying for a miracle.  I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor.  I had everyone I had talked to, to pray.  My heart was breaking.  I was sad.  I felt alone.  I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them.  And to this day, I still do.  I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive.  I don't need more drama.

Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep.  I kept waking up to go potty.  I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable.  My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so.  I was still cramping and in pain.  I had no idea what was going on.  I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water.  She told me "your in labor".  I was in shock.  I had never been in labor before.  But it was a true miracle..  My body was doing what it needed to do.  What I wanted it to do.

I called my doctor and talked to the nurse.  They told me to come in right away.  Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER.  My husband met us there.  They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D).  They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine.  My contractions were coming every minute.  It was the most intense pain I had every been in.  But it was another miracle. 

Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel.  I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away.  They never even told me they took him.  They just cut his cord and took him away.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to hold him.  I didn't get any pictures.  But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.

My miracles:

1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life

What I went through was hell.  And it isn't fair.  It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not.  I don't wish what I went through on anyone.  I didn't ask to lose Isaac.  But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon.  We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me.  They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me.  And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.

A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone.  That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby.  You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have.  But yet God still gives them kids.  And here we are.  We wanted Isaac so much.  We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea.  But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.

I know God has plan.  He has brought us through this 1st year.  He had carried me most days.  I couldn't breath without God giving it to me.  I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me.  I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others.  I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory.  I am who I am because of God.  I am where I am because of God.

This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven.  We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body.  We will be having a small party.  We have asked a few close friends to come and join us.  We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes.  I want to put a candle on each cupcake.  I want each person to either say a wish  or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out.  We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon.  We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday.  I love him so much!!  I miss him so much!!  But I am grateful to know where He is.  He is in Heaven.  He is safe and in no pain.  He has God and Jesus to keep him safe.  He has so much family and a brother in Heaven. 

God will call me home when he is ready.  And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing  and my husband.  I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.

Well, this is my story.  This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life.  A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!

Christi