Well, I was so hoping that God was going to bless us with another baby. But no. I was 9 days late and took about 12 pregnancies test. They call came out not pregnant. But for me that is normal. So to be sure, I went and had a blood test done on Monday. My sweet nurse knowing how bad I needed to know, called me at 8:30 Tuesday morning. Only to break my heart. My HCG level was -.02. I am not pregnant. And my lovely period came shortly later Tuesday morning.
I cried oh I cried. I was mad. not at God, but at life. Why would my period be 10 days late only not to be pregnant. Why when I want a baby so bad, and have been doing my best to give it to God, does it have to be late? I have been doing good about not stressing when we can't make love allot and I don't try to plan each time we're going to make love. I have been doing my best not to get upset if we can't make love when I want to. And then it comes late, I get my hopes up. And then to find out I wasn't. Just heart breaking. I want to scream "it's not fair", because it's not.
Before my last living child, I could get pregnant within months. With the exception of my 1st. It took us 9 month to find out I had hypro-throid. Which was keeping me from getting pregnant. But then within 3 weeks of medicine I was pregnant. And then the next 3 pregnancies happened without problems. Even with baby #5 it was a total surprise. But then fast forward 1 1/2 year we start trying for baby #6. But no luck. Two in a half years later and we finally get pregnant. Only to lose that baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant again, only to lose that baby. And now 9 months later we're still not pregnant. I"m starting to wonder if I will have another living baby. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I ever feel another baby move in my tummy.
So many people I know are either pregnant or have a new baby. I don't want what they have. I want what my heart has desired for 3 1/2 years. I want another baby. I want my baby. Problem is my body is so screwed up. My cycle is messed up. I thought it was starting to get regular, and maybe that would help us get pregnant. But that went out the window.
I know it is in God's hands. But I wish He'd tell me if it will ever happen. I have gotten better about not breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. But when it is 10 days late and that's the most overdue I have been since before I lost Sweet Pea. I did my best not to get my hopes up. And I wouldn't let myself think ahead or even think about when I might be due. I couldn't, it would just make it more painful.
Then on top of all this, my hubby is out of town and my baby girl has a staph infection that turned into MRSA. She is hopefully getting better, but it will be a long road. She was in the the ER twice and had to have 2 of the huge bug bite that got infected really bad drained. Those are finally starting to look like they are healing. It was so hard to see her in pain and them cutting into these bites and drain them. I wanted to cry with her. We still have to change the bandages twice a day, and she has to soak in the tub with epson salt twice a day. Taking those bandages off is killing her. She screams and kicks. Ugg. Drives me crazy.
So to recap my week and it's only Wednesday: I found out I am not pregnant, my daughter has MRSA, and my hubby is out of town. This week just sucks. I am hoping it gets better soon, I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel like I could sleep for days and it would still not be enough.
Well, I wanted to just be real and show that Life sucks sometimes. Even as a Christian we have hard roads and life sucks sometimes. But at least I know God is still in control and God is holding me!
Enjoy,
Christi
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