Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven

Today is Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven.  Today we celebrate and we cried.  We remembered where we were 1 year ago and how far we have come.  We let go balloons with pictures from the kids and letters of love and sadness for Isaac.  We let them go one by one and watched them until we could no longer see them.

We stood around Isaac's and Sweet Pea's tree.  We said a prayer and told Isaac how much we loved him.  We had each kid one at a time let go of their balloons.  We had to tie 2 balloons together because the paper we had the kids draw on was too heavy for just one balloon.  Thankfully I had gotten a tank after talking to a friend.  Otherwise this would have broken my heart.  But God knew it would happen and told me to get the tank.

Our friends Steven and Deanna and their sweet youngest daughter Isabelle came for the party tonight.  Steven took pictures for us.  And I can't wait to see them.  They will be forever cherished!  Having Isabelle there actually helped me, as I figured it would.  She gave me someone to hold and helped me feel relaxed.  She has helped me more than she will ever realize.  I got to hold her when I was ready after I lost Sweet Pea.  I got to love on her and hold her while she slept.  Her mommy and daddy let me stay all day and just love on her and heal.  Holding her didn't take away the pain of losing Isaac and Sweet Pea, but it gave me empty arms someone to hold even for a few hours.  She has been a huge part of healing as her Mommy and Daddy!

They have been there to support me and love on me.  They are truly Godly People and a blessing to myself and my family!

My Sweet Friend Chaunnessey also came this morning.  She wasn't able to come tonight so she came this morning to hug me and love on me for a few minutes.  And considering she lives over an hour away from me, and still came means the world to me.  She understands the pain I feel.  She's been in my shoes.  She give me love and support and helps me when I feel like I can't keep going.  She is there for me when I need to talk and sends me emails to let me know she is thinking about me and praying for me.

I want to share the email me send me yesterday:

"I know that precious little man is watching over you right now. Just know he loves his mama very much ad is waiting for you one day. I love you my sweet friend just know your loved and supported. You have the most precious gift of all two sweet beautiful angels holding you and loving you."

It made me cry and smile all at the same time!  Just to know someone understood and still remembers means so much!

Our friends Deanna and Steven that came tonight, got us a card.  They each wrote something for us and Isaac.  Deanna also crocheted us a small stocking for Isaac.  It has a small "I" on it.  I love it!!  I am going to hang it on the Christmas Tree when Christmas comes around.  And until then, I will keep it safe in the place I put all Isaac's and Sweet Pea's special stuff.  One day, I will get a box for them.  Just not up to it yet.  I also, still need to get their sonogram picture blown up and hung on the wall with the other kids baby pictures.  She said that she'll make one for Sweet Pea as well for his Birthday.

I am not sure why it is so hard to get a box or blow up their pictures.  I think part of it is time, with the kids home it makes it hard to get out.  And part of it is just the pain and seeing the pictures again.  I will one day too it, I know.

Anyways, it has been a very long day.  And I am glad it is over.  We have come a long way from 1 year ago.  I have healed allot and still have a long ways to go.  I am sure one day seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant women won't make me wanna cry and have a panic attack.  One day I am sure :/

Thank you for coming along with me on this journey.

Christi