Missing My Babies...

I miss my babies every day.  There is not a day that I don't think of my babies in some way.  So many things remind my of them.  Songs, places, people, and my own kids.

But one thing I have decided that I will not longer allow the things in my life to rule how I feel.  I will not allow the sight of a pregnant women to make me wanna run the other way and cry.  I will not allow newborn babies to turn my stomach upside down.  That doesn't mean it still won't hurt some or that I won't get choked up.  But I will not allow it to run my life.

I am happy for those momma's.  But that doesn't mean I need to be around them.  I don't need to put myself in situations where I will be around them for long.  Because that is still to hard.  But a brief walk by or simple hello isn't going to hurt me anymore.  I won't let it.  I won't let Satan use something so special to continue to hurt me. 

I still won't attend baby showers, not sure I will ever again.  That is something that I just can't do.  I am happy for those momma's.  But I just can't bring myself to do it.  I know that is something just too hard.  Brings back memories that are too painful.

See the weekend before I found out we lost Isaac.  A friend and I were talking about when and where would be a good time to have a baby shower.  We were so excited because I had stopped spotting and no more discharge.  I thought Isaac was going to be ok.  But instead the following day, I found out our Sweet Baby was gone.  His body still inside me, and his Soul was already in Heaven. 

We we went from planning a baby shower to telling family and our kids that our Son had died.  So for me baby showers are something that is just too hard.  They aren't happy anymore.  They aren't pink and blue and smiles.  They are sad, they are heartbreaking, and they are a painful reminder of what will never be.

I still have people asking me, have you seen a consuler?  I say "no".  I never did and never felt like I had too.  But it still amazing me when people ask.  I mean really???  I don't spend all day in bed!  I don't cry all day!  I don't cry most days at all!  I don't hide out all the time.  I talk to people, maybe not the same people I did before my losses.  I do get out and I spend time with friends and family.  Yes, I've changed, but I am ok with that.  I have let go of the people in my life that have hurt me.  I don't need the added pain.  I have enough pain.  I have let go of people who want and have made my pain all about them.  You'd be surprise by the people in my life that have done this.  Never thought they would have done it.  But when I look back on it, I really don't need them.  I don't miss them.

But I have added allot more friends.  Maybe not friends that I go out and do things with.  But friends that understand what I am going through and what it feels like to lose a baby or babies.  They know what it feels like to try month after month for a baby with no success.  And at the end of the day, I don't have to explain myself to any of these people.

I do have a couple of very close friends.  They have never lost a baby, but have had other hardships in their lives.  Things that bond us and bring us closer.

I have a husband that loves me for me.  And though he may not understand how I feel.  And he doesn't always understand what I need to feel better.  He is there.  Sometimes he says the wrong things at the wrong time, but he tries.  He loves me.  He wants me.  He married me.  He made 7 babies with me.  He comes home every night when he isn't out of town.  He stays with me even when I don't make sense or are very nice at time.  He doesn't judge, he just loves!

Ok.  I am done....I am tired... And I am losing focus....So I am done for now....

Enjoy,

Christi