I've been missing my babies so very much lately. I think part of it is because my other babies have gone to school and my house it too quiet. If we hadn't lost my babies, I'd have a little one at home. And I think knowing that makes the quiet so hard.
And then each month, that we don't get pregnant makes my heart break. I have been trying to convince myself each month and I'm not pregnant and just remind myself that Aunt Flow will be here soon, so when she does, it doesn't hurt so much when it comes. And I think that if it ever comes to be that we do get pregnant, that it will be a shock. I have gotten better about not completely breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. I still cry and have a down day. But it doesn't last as long as it used to.
I went outside today, while hubby was getting the kids ready for bed, and just sat on the back deck looking at Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I just sat and looked at the tree. I just kept talking to them. Telling them how much I missed them and love them. I love knowing that they can hear me, and I wanna believe that they can see me too. I wish I could see them in my dreams. That God would give me a glimpse of them. I wish I could have some pictures to hold. But I have nothing of them. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful hankies from Lil Angels Hankies. And a person I used to be friends with made me 2 burp clothes for them. And a sweet friend of mine, gave me a little baby doll that is about the size Isaac was when he passed away. I have several things that I was given after I lost my babies. But what I wouldn't give to have something they touched or a picture. Ya know.
I have learned to try and work my schedule around nothing seeing those people I don't want to see. I pray when I know I'll be going somewhere I might see "those" people I want to avoid. And so far God has blessed me with not seeing them. It hurts so much to see those people. They have hurt me so much, and it is easier to work through the pain without seeing them. I think knowing that they have just gone on with their lives and don't care about the pain they've caused makes it harder. So I just have learned to pray. Ask God to keep them out of my life, and that he will continue to help me forgive daily.
Since the kids have gone back to school, I haven't left the house much. I have slept allot (didn't realize how tired I really was), cleaning my house and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore and giving it to Good Will. We also went grocery shopping, was really weired to do it without any kids. I also got to eat lunch with my baby on his 5th Birthday. Then I stayed to eat lunch with my daughter since they are at the same school. I had a great time, but I hate the feeling of "being the "out cast" at my kids schools. It seems like people just look at me that say to themselves, "oh she's the person no one likes here". It is probably in my head, but you know that "look" you get. Well, it's the look I get. Which is probably why I tend to stay away from their schools. Some of those people are just down right rude and mean.
I had a dream the other night, that someone I used to be friends with was pregnant with her 7th baby. She is the one I had to ask for space after I lost my Isaac. We were both pregnant with our 6th child and I just needed space. I needed space from everyone that was pregnant at that time, heck even know I need space from those that are pregnant. It was harder with her, because she took it personal and used it to make things all about her. Well, I have come to the conclusion, that she probably will have another baby sometime. And I just don't care. What they do it there business and how they afford their babies is there problem not mine. I don't have to talk to her, see her, or be apart of her life. And at this point, I am not sure I will ever want to be. She hurt me so bad, to the point that is makes me sick to think of having to be around her. And trust me she isn't the only one. There are many people in my small town that have hurt me so very much. Which is why I tend to stay away from actives here in town. I hate having to be around those people.
My daughter is starting next week to take gymnastic class. And thankfully, I don't think any of those people I don't want to be around will have kids in her class, But I think their kids will be taking classes at the same time my daughter will be taking hers. So I have a feeling I will be seeing them each week. And I tell you what,, it is making me sick to my stomach to think of having to see these high school acting witches each week. Ugg. I'm praying God will make it work out where I don't ever have to see any of them!
Ok. I think I am done venting.
Christi
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