I thought I was done venting with my other post. But I don't think I am.
It hurts to know that when I lost Isaac and Sweet Pea people made it about them. Friends that were pregnant (NOT ALL OF THEM, but most of them) made it all about them. When I asked for space they made me feel bad. Along with those friends, just people in general, made me feel like I was resenting them. Made me feel like I should just suck it up and get over it.
I hated it. I never once resented my friends that were pregnant! It killed me to see them or any pregnant women for that matter because it reminded me of WHAT I LOST. Not what they had. I didn't want their baby. I didn't want to be them, nor would I ever! I wanted what I LOST! I wanted MY BABIES! I wanted my HAPPY ENDING.
I had someone write a blog post all about how my lose hurt her feelings because I asked for space. Oh my, it was bad. I got accused of resenting her and her baby. It hurt so much! She made it all about her. She never took the time to think about how she was acting or treating me was hurting me. She did this quite a few times when I was pregnant too. And throughout our friendship. She would treat me like crap. She's call me and yell at me or tell me what I was doing was wrong. Thing is she'd do the same thing down the road, and then it would be ok. We never did anything other than talk on the phone. And when she got pregnant the last time, she never bothered to tell me before she announced it to the world. And normally that would be fine. Thing is she knew we were trying to get pregnant again. We had been trying for 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. We'd ask each other often if they other was pregnant, and she lied to me many times. She even lied to my face when I was pretty sure she was. She never apologized for the pain it caused. It hurt allot. She claims the last 4 babies were "surprises". Not so sure about that. But it's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that God will take care of her when she gets to Heaven.
She isn't the only one. I have lots of people just blow me off since I lost my babies. They ignore me and pretend it didn't happen or that they don't know me. They just expect me to just move on and pretend I am ok. They think because we have 5 living children that I should just be happy. Thing is most of them have never been through a loss, they have NO IDEA what it feels like. Ugg. I hate living in the freaking town. I hate it so much! I wish I could just get up and move. Move somewhere people really care about you. Because here they don't! They don't care about me. If we moved away, they wouldn't miss us. They'd probably throw a party for themselves that they finally made us leave. Yes, that is how I really feel.
Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that really care. They email me, text me, and call me. They love me for me. And they reach out to support me. They love me and don't expect me to just be happy. Thing is their busy, and I don't get to hang out with them often. Everyone has a life, some happier than others.
I don't wish for what others have. I don't want a bigger house because so and so has one. I dont' want a boat or car or this or that, just because someone else has it. Because if you really look at their life and what they are hiding behind. You'll see they are just like everyone else. Their kids have issues, just like yours. Sometime they use those "things" to hide how bad their kids really are. They have fights with their husbands like everyone else. And they use those "things" to hide the fact that their husband is cheating and they don't want to be embarrassed, so they hide it. They have debt like everyone else, some more than others. They use the credit cards to buy happiness to hide the sadness and loneliness in their lives. Most people use the "things" they have in their life to hide behind. I don't want to become one of them! I don't want things to make me feel better!
I have things that I pray for. I would love a bigger house, NOT because it makes me a better person. Or because others have it. We would love a bigger house, because our family is getting to big for our small house. But it will happen in God's Time. Just like if we're meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's time. But it doesn't mean I can't pray about them. I do almost every day. I know God has a beautiful house for us. Just don't know when it will happen. I pray for a long marriage! I pray that God will continue to keep us together and always looking towards Him, putting God 1st. I pray that God will continue to help me daily see the blessing He has blessed me with.
I have never and will never resent a women or friend that is pregnant. Does it make me sad and hurt to see them, yes, And it probably will forever, unless we have another healthy baby sometime. But does that mean that I want what they have? NO! I don't want what they have. I want my own baby. I want a baby growing in my belly. I want to feel my baby moving and turning. I don't want what they have. That's their baby. I don't want their baby. I want my own baby.
But it does mean, that I will not put myself in a situation where I have to be around them, see them, or see their "updates" on fb (they get hidden). I don't feel bad about it and I shouldn't. It hurts to see them or anyone pregnant, because it brings the pain back again from losing Isaac and Sweet Pea. I hate that people don't even think about what they are doing or do and how it can hurt or affect those around them that have lost a baby. If you know someone that has lost a baby, and you find out your pregnant, you should tell that person before you announce it to the world. Because otherwise, your causing them pain. But telling them person to person, or over the phone if you live too far away, you show them respect and like their feelings matter and that you value their friendship. Otherwise, you not telling them in person or calling them, your showing them you could careless about their loss or the pain your causing. Sending a fb message isn't ok. It's not personal and is just as hurtful.
Ok. I am done. I know this probably is just a bunch of rambling. And doesn't make allot of sense. But this is my blog, and it's how I feel. I don't make excuses for how I feel. Life just sucks sometimes!
Christi
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