Today is Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. Today we celebrate and we cried. We remembered where we were 1 year ago and how far we have come. We let go balloons with pictures from the kids and letters of love and sadness for Isaac. We let them go one by one and watched them until we could no longer see them.
We stood around Isaac's and Sweet Pea's tree. We said a prayer and told Isaac how much we loved him. We had each kid one at a time let go of their balloons. We had to tie 2 balloons together because the paper we had the kids draw on was too heavy for just one balloon. Thankfully I had gotten a tank after talking to a friend. Otherwise this would have broken my heart. But God knew it would happen and told me to get the tank.
Our friends Steven and Deanna and their sweet youngest daughter Isabelle came for the party tonight. Steven took pictures for us. And I can't wait to see them. They will be forever cherished! Having Isabelle there actually helped me, as I figured it would. She gave me someone to hold and helped me feel relaxed. She has helped me more than she will ever realize. I got to hold her when I was ready after I lost Sweet Pea. I got to love on her and hold her while she slept. Her mommy and daddy let me stay all day and just love on her and heal. Holding her didn't take away the pain of losing Isaac and Sweet Pea, but it gave me empty arms someone to hold even for a few hours. She has been a huge part of healing as her Mommy and Daddy!
They have been there to support me and love on me. They are truly Godly People and a blessing to myself and my family!
My Sweet Friend Chaunnessey also came this morning. She wasn't able to come tonight so she came this morning to hug me and love on me for a few minutes. And considering she lives over an hour away from me, and still came means the world to me. She understands the pain I feel. She's been in my shoes. She give me love and support and helps me when I feel like I can't keep going. She is there for me when I need to talk and sends me emails to let me know she is thinking about me and praying for me.
I want to share the email me send me yesterday:
"I know that precious little man is watching over you right now. Just know he loves his mama very much ad is waiting for you one day. I love you my sweet friend just know your loved and supported. You have the most precious gift of all two sweet beautiful angels holding you and loving you."
It made me cry and smile all at the same time! Just to know someone understood and still remembers means so much!
Our friends Deanna and Steven that came tonight, got us a card. They each wrote something for us and Isaac. Deanna also crocheted us a small stocking for Isaac. It has a small "I" on it. I love it!! I am going to hang it on the Christmas Tree when Christmas comes around. And until then, I will keep it safe in the place I put all Isaac's and Sweet Pea's special stuff. One day, I will get a box for them. Just not up to it yet. I also, still need to get their sonogram picture blown up and hung on the wall with the other kids baby pictures. She said that she'll make one for Sweet Pea as well for his Birthday.
I am not sure why it is so hard to get a box or blow up their pictures. I think part of it is time, with the kids home it makes it hard to get out. And part of it is just the pain and seeing the pictures again. I will one day too it, I know.
Anyways, it has been a very long day. And I am glad it is over. We have come a long way from 1 year ago. I have healed allot and still have a long ways to go. I am sure one day seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant women won't make me wanna cry and have a panic attack. One day I am sure :/
Thank you for coming along with me on this journey.
Christi
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
1 Year Ago... My Life Forever Changed
One year ago my world came crashing down. I went to my 15 1/2 week prenatal check up. I was so excited because the bleeding, spotting and discharge had finally stopped. I had thought finally this pregnancy was going to be ok and I was going to have a healthy baby in about 5 months.
But instead my world was turned upside down. The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it. I wasn't scared at this point. This had happened once before with one of my other kids. And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.
It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there. So the doctor did the sonogram. Again I wasn't worried at this point. I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's.
So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat. My Sweet Baby had died. I didn't realize it at 1st. After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat." I asked the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?" He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't. All you hear was the beep...... Like you do when someone flat lines. It was the worse sound a mama can hear.
He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone. I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone. He didn't understand and was in shock. We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go. They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion. While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me. He was in shock and didn't know what to do. He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there. I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it. He asked me, weren't you half way there. I said yes, but it can still happen. There was no heart beat and our baby had died. He was crying and I was crying. Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end. They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit. I was still crying and trying to keep it together. I was hoping for a miracle. I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.
They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed. I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle. He did, just not the way I was hoping. They finally brought me back into the sonogram room. They found the baby but again no heart beat. Our baby was indeed gone. They figured he had passed about 1 week before. I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive. They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there. So they sent me back upstairs.
I sat in the room and waited for my doctor. He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out. I wasn't given allot of opinions. Pretty much told we had to do a d&c. Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me. It is NOT what I wanted. But I agreed to it. We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with). So we scheduled my d&c for Friday. He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out. He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix. It is suppose to help your cervix dilate. So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there, And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!! I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.
I left the office as a different person than when I came in. I would never and will never be the same person. I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.
I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home. So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house. My husband was there working. So I parked the car and got out. My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me. We both cried and just stood there and held each other. We finally made our way into the house. We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say. I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.
We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do. He said he'd talk to the kids. We still weren't sure what we would tell them. So we finally got it together enough and drove home. I went into the room to get myself together and change. We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch. Our 5th was still at church camp. He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday. After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away. It was really basic and we didn't go into depth. Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say. And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.
My kids lost their innocent that night. They lost their baby brother. They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home. They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven. They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this.
I didn't sleep that night. I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby. It just didn't make sense. The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp. I couldn't go out of the house. Thankfully she was glad to help. She dropped him off later that afternoon. And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong. I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him. He cried and I cried. He was forever changed that day. He grew up that day. He became a young man that day. He held me and cried and I held him and cried.
I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods. At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot. I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own. I didn't want the d&c. I didn't want my baby to be ripped away. I wanted to have my baby my whole baby. So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.
They sent me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect. They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies. It was so sad and I was just crying. I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby. My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.
I was told to go home and rest. I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c. Again I was still praying for a miracle. I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor. I had everyone I had talked to, to pray. My heart was breaking. I was sad. I felt alone. I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them. And to this day, I still do. I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive. I don't need more drama.
Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up to go potty. I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable. My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so. I was still cramping and in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water. She told me "your in labor". I was in shock. I had never been in labor before. But it was a true miracle.. My body was doing what it needed to do. What I wanted it to do.
I called my doctor and talked to the nurse. They told me to come in right away. Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER. My husband met us there. They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D). They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine. My contractions were coming every minute. It was the most intense pain I had every been in. But it was another miracle.
Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel. I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away. They never even told me they took him. They just cut his cord and took him away. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get any pictures. But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.
My miracles:
1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life
What I went through was hell. And it isn't fair. It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not. I don't wish what I went through on anyone. I didn't ask to lose Isaac. But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon. We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me. They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me. And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.
A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone. That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby. You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have. But yet God still gives them kids. And here we are. We wanted Isaac so much. We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea. But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.
I know God has plan. He has brought us through this 1st year. He had carried me most days. I couldn't breath without God giving it to me. I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me. I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others. I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory. I am who I am because of God. I am where I am because of God.
This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body. We will be having a small party. We have asked a few close friends to come and join us. We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes. I want to put a candle on each cupcake. I want each person to either say a wish or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out. We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon. We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday. I love him so much!! I miss him so much!! But I am grateful to know where He is. He is in Heaven. He is safe and in no pain. He has God and Jesus to keep him safe. He has so much family and a brother in Heaven.
God will call me home when he is ready. And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing and my husband. I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.
Well, this is my story. This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life. A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!
Christi
But instead my world was turned upside down. The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it. I wasn't scared at this point. This had happened once before with one of my other kids. And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.
It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there. So the doctor did the sonogram. Again I wasn't worried at this point. I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's.
So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat. My Sweet Baby had died. I didn't realize it at 1st. After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat." I asked the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?" He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't. All you hear was the beep...... Like you do when someone flat lines. It was the worse sound a mama can hear.
He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone. I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone. He didn't understand and was in shock. We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go. They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion. While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me. He was in shock and didn't know what to do. He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there. I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it. He asked me, weren't you half way there. I said yes, but it can still happen. There was no heart beat and our baby had died. He was crying and I was crying. Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end. They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit. I was still crying and trying to keep it together. I was hoping for a miracle. I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.
They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed. I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle. He did, just not the way I was hoping. They finally brought me back into the sonogram room. They found the baby but again no heart beat. Our baby was indeed gone. They figured he had passed about 1 week before. I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive. They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there. So they sent me back upstairs.
I sat in the room and waited for my doctor. He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out. I wasn't given allot of opinions. Pretty much told we had to do a d&c. Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me. It is NOT what I wanted. But I agreed to it. We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with). So we scheduled my d&c for Friday. He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out. He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix. It is suppose to help your cervix dilate. So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there, And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!! I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.
I left the office as a different person than when I came in. I would never and will never be the same person. I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.
I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home. So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house. My husband was there working. So I parked the car and got out. My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me. We both cried and just stood there and held each other. We finally made our way into the house. We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say. I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.
We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do. He said he'd talk to the kids. We still weren't sure what we would tell them. So we finally got it together enough and drove home. I went into the room to get myself together and change. We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch. Our 5th was still at church camp. He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday. After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away. It was really basic and we didn't go into depth. Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say. And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.
My kids lost their innocent that night. They lost their baby brother. They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home. They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven. They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this.
I didn't sleep that night. I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby. It just didn't make sense. The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp. I couldn't go out of the house. Thankfully she was glad to help. She dropped him off later that afternoon. And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong. I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him. He cried and I cried. He was forever changed that day. He grew up that day. He became a young man that day. He held me and cried and I held him and cried.
I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods. At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot. I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own. I didn't want the d&c. I didn't want my baby to be ripped away. I wanted to have my baby my whole baby. So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.
They sent me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect. They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies. It was so sad and I was just crying. I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby. My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.
I was told to go home and rest. I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c. Again I was still praying for a miracle. I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor. I had everyone I had talked to, to pray. My heart was breaking. I was sad. I felt alone. I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them. And to this day, I still do. I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive. I don't need more drama.
Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up to go potty. I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable. My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so. I was still cramping and in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water. She told me "your in labor". I was in shock. I had never been in labor before. But it was a true miracle.. My body was doing what it needed to do. What I wanted it to do.
I called my doctor and talked to the nurse. They told me to come in right away. Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER. My husband met us there. They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D). They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine. My contractions were coming every minute. It was the most intense pain I had every been in. But it was another miracle.
Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel. I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away. They never even told me they took him. They just cut his cord and took him away. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get any pictures. But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.
My miracles:
1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life
What I went through was hell. And it isn't fair. It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not. I don't wish what I went through on anyone. I didn't ask to lose Isaac. But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon. We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me. They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me. And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.
A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone. That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby. You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have. But yet God still gives them kids. And here we are. We wanted Isaac so much. We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea. But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.
I know God has plan. He has brought us through this 1st year. He had carried me most days. I couldn't breath without God giving it to me. I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me. I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others. I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory. I am who I am because of God. I am where I am because of God.
This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body. We will be having a small party. We have asked a few close friends to come and join us. We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes. I want to put a candle on each cupcake. I want each person to either say a wish or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out. We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon. We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday. I love him so much!! I miss him so much!! But I am grateful to know where He is. He is in Heaven. He is safe and in no pain. He has God and Jesus to keep him safe. He has so much family and a brother in Heaven.
God will call me home when he is ready. And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing and my husband. I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.
Well, this is my story. This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life. A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!
Christi
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Sometimes Life Just Sucks
Well, I was so hoping that God was going to bless us with another baby. But no. I was 9 days late and took about 12 pregnancies test. They call came out not pregnant. But for me that is normal. So to be sure, I went and had a blood test done on Monday. My sweet nurse knowing how bad I needed to know, called me at 8:30 Tuesday morning. Only to break my heart. My HCG level was -.02. I am not pregnant. And my lovely period came shortly later Tuesday morning.
I cried oh I cried. I was mad. not at God, but at life. Why would my period be 10 days late only not to be pregnant. Why when I want a baby so bad, and have been doing my best to give it to God, does it have to be late? I have been doing good about not stressing when we can't make love allot and I don't try to plan each time we're going to make love. I have been doing my best not to get upset if we can't make love when I want to. And then it comes late, I get my hopes up. And then to find out I wasn't. Just heart breaking. I want to scream "it's not fair", because it's not.
Before my last living child, I could get pregnant within months. With the exception of my 1st. It took us 9 month to find out I had hypro-throid. Which was keeping me from getting pregnant. But then within 3 weeks of medicine I was pregnant. And then the next 3 pregnancies happened without problems. Even with baby #5 it was a total surprise. But then fast forward 1 1/2 year we start trying for baby #6. But no luck. Two in a half years later and we finally get pregnant. Only to lose that baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant again, only to lose that baby. And now 9 months later we're still not pregnant. I"m starting to wonder if I will have another living baby. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I ever feel another baby move in my tummy.
So many people I know are either pregnant or have a new baby. I don't want what they have. I want what my heart has desired for 3 1/2 years. I want another baby. I want my baby. Problem is my body is so screwed up. My cycle is messed up. I thought it was starting to get regular, and maybe that would help us get pregnant. But that went out the window.
I know it is in God's hands. But I wish He'd tell me if it will ever happen. I have gotten better about not breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. But when it is 10 days late and that's the most overdue I have been since before I lost Sweet Pea. I did my best not to get my hopes up. And I wouldn't let myself think ahead or even think about when I might be due. I couldn't, it would just make it more painful.
Then on top of all this, my hubby is out of town and my baby girl has a staph infection that turned into MRSA. She is hopefully getting better, but it will be a long road. She was in the the ER twice and had to have 2 of the huge bug bite that got infected really bad drained. Those are finally starting to look like they are healing. It was so hard to see her in pain and them cutting into these bites and drain them. I wanted to cry with her. We still have to change the bandages twice a day, and she has to soak in the tub with epson salt twice a day. Taking those bandages off is killing her. She screams and kicks. Ugg. Drives me crazy.
So to recap my week and it's only Wednesday: I found out I am not pregnant, my daughter has MRSA, and my hubby is out of town. This week just sucks. I am hoping it gets better soon, I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel like I could sleep for days and it would still not be enough.
Well, I wanted to just be real and show that Life sucks sometimes. Even as a Christian we have hard roads and life sucks sometimes. But at least I know God is still in control and God is holding me!
Enjoy,
Christi
I cried oh I cried. I was mad. not at God, but at life. Why would my period be 10 days late only not to be pregnant. Why when I want a baby so bad, and have been doing my best to give it to God, does it have to be late? I have been doing good about not stressing when we can't make love allot and I don't try to plan each time we're going to make love. I have been doing my best not to get upset if we can't make love when I want to. And then it comes late, I get my hopes up. And then to find out I wasn't. Just heart breaking. I want to scream "it's not fair", because it's not.
Before my last living child, I could get pregnant within months. With the exception of my 1st. It took us 9 month to find out I had hypro-throid. Which was keeping me from getting pregnant. But then within 3 weeks of medicine I was pregnant. And then the next 3 pregnancies happened without problems. Even with baby #5 it was a total surprise. But then fast forward 1 1/2 year we start trying for baby #6. But no luck. Two in a half years later and we finally get pregnant. Only to lose that baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant again, only to lose that baby. And now 9 months later we're still not pregnant. I"m starting to wonder if I will have another living baby. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I ever feel another baby move in my tummy.
So many people I know are either pregnant or have a new baby. I don't want what they have. I want what my heart has desired for 3 1/2 years. I want another baby. I want my baby. Problem is my body is so screwed up. My cycle is messed up. I thought it was starting to get regular, and maybe that would help us get pregnant. But that went out the window.
I know it is in God's hands. But I wish He'd tell me if it will ever happen. I have gotten better about not breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. But when it is 10 days late and that's the most overdue I have been since before I lost Sweet Pea. I did my best not to get my hopes up. And I wouldn't let myself think ahead or even think about when I might be due. I couldn't, it would just make it more painful.
Then on top of all this, my hubby is out of town and my baby girl has a staph infection that turned into MRSA. She is hopefully getting better, but it will be a long road. She was in the the ER twice and had to have 2 of the huge bug bite that got infected really bad drained. Those are finally starting to look like they are healing. It was so hard to see her in pain and them cutting into these bites and drain them. I wanted to cry with her. We still have to change the bandages twice a day, and she has to soak in the tub with epson salt twice a day. Taking those bandages off is killing her. She screams and kicks. Ugg. Drives me crazy.
So to recap my week and it's only Wednesday: I found out I am not pregnant, my daughter has MRSA, and my hubby is out of town. This week just sucks. I am hoping it gets better soon, I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel like I could sleep for days and it would still not be enough.
Well, I wanted to just be real and show that Life sucks sometimes. Even as a Christian we have hard roads and life sucks sometimes. But at least I know God is still in control and God is holding me!
Enjoy,
Christi
Friday, July 6, 2012
Just another day
Today is just another day in my journey. I am trying to prepare myself for my sweet son Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. His Birthday is July 21, 2011. I have asked 3 close friends to come and 2 of them are coming.
One of them has offered to take pictures for us. And that touched my heart. It will be wonderful to have some pictures of Isaac's 1st Birthday. I have decided that I do not want this to be a very sad time. Birthday's shouldn't be sad. They are a celebration. And that is what I want Isaac's Birthday to be. Yes he is not with us and is in Heaven. But he isn't sad. He isn't in pain. He is having a blast in Heaven. And we need to celebrate that.
I want to celebrate His short Life. He and Sweet Pea saved my life. Without losing them I would not know about my blooding clotting disorders and other medical issues I have.
I am hoping to have a small cake or cupcakes. I also want to let go of balloons, and I want the kids to write or draw something for Isaac to attach to the balloons before we let them go.
I am also thinking of moving the party after the balloon release to my hubby's moms house to let the kids go swimming. I want them to enjoy the day and not have memories of sadness. We will have lots of Birthdays to come for Isaac and Sweet Pea. And I am sure with each one it will get easier, but I will always miss them.
One of them has offered to take pictures for us. And that touched my heart. It will be wonderful to have some pictures of Isaac's 1st Birthday. I have decided that I do not want this to be a very sad time. Birthday's shouldn't be sad. They are a celebration. And that is what I want Isaac's Birthday to be. Yes he is not with us and is in Heaven. But he isn't sad. He isn't in pain. He is having a blast in Heaven. And we need to celebrate that.
I want to celebrate His short Life. He and Sweet Pea saved my life. Without losing them I would not know about my blooding clotting disorders and other medical issues I have.
I am hoping to have a small cake or cupcakes. I also want to let go of balloons, and I want the kids to write or draw something for Isaac to attach to the balloons before we let them go.
I am also thinking of moving the party after the balloon release to my hubby's moms house to let the kids go swimming. I want them to enjoy the day and not have memories of sadness. We will have lots of Birthdays to come for Isaac and Sweet Pea. And I am sure with each one it will get easier, but I will always miss them.
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