I miss my babies every day. There is not a day that I don't think of my babies in some way. So many things remind my of them. Songs, places, people, and my own kids.
But one thing I have decided that I will not longer allow the things in my life to rule how I feel. I will not allow the sight of a pregnant women to make me wanna run the other way and cry. I will not allow newborn babies to turn my stomach upside down. That doesn't mean it still won't hurt some or that I won't get choked up. But I will not allow it to run my life.
I am happy for those momma's. But that doesn't mean I need to be around them. I don't need to put myself in situations where I will be around them for long. Because that is still to hard. But a brief walk by or simple hello isn't going to hurt me anymore. I won't let it. I won't let Satan use something so special to continue to hurt me.
I still won't attend baby showers, not sure I will ever again. That is something that I just can't do. I am happy for those momma's. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I know that is something just too hard. Brings back memories that are too painful.
See the weekend before I found out we lost Isaac. A friend and I were talking about when and where would be a good time to have a baby shower. We were so excited because I had stopped spotting and no more discharge. I thought Isaac was going to be ok. But instead the following day, I found out our Sweet Baby was gone. His body still inside me, and his Soul was already in Heaven.
We we went from planning a baby shower to telling family and our kids that our Son had died. So for me baby showers are something that is just too hard. They aren't happy anymore. They aren't pink and blue and smiles. They are sad, they are heartbreaking, and they are a painful reminder of what will never be.
I still have people asking me, have you seen a consuler? I say "no". I never did and never felt like I had too. But it still amazing me when people ask. I mean really??? I don't spend all day in bed! I don't cry all day! I don't cry most days at all! I don't hide out all the time. I talk to people, maybe not the same people I did before my losses. I do get out and I spend time with friends and family. Yes, I've changed, but I am ok with that. I have let go of the people in my life that have hurt me. I don't need the added pain. I have enough pain. I have let go of people who want and have made my pain all about them. You'd be surprise by the people in my life that have done this. Never thought they would have done it. But when I look back on it, I really don't need them. I don't miss them.
But I have added allot more friends. Maybe not friends that I go out and do things with. But friends that understand what I am going through and what it feels like to lose a baby or babies. They know what it feels like to try month after month for a baby with no success. And at the end of the day, I don't have to explain myself to any of these people.
I do have a couple of very close friends. They have never lost a baby, but have had other hardships in their lives. Things that bond us and bring us closer.
I have a husband that loves me for me. And though he may not understand how I feel. And he doesn't always understand what I need to feel better. He is there. Sometimes he says the wrong things at the wrong time, but he tries. He loves me. He wants me. He married me. He made 7 babies with me. He comes home every night when he isn't out of town. He stays with me even when I don't make sense or are very nice at time. He doesn't judge, he just loves!
Ok. I am done....I am tired... And I am losing focus....So I am done for now....
Enjoy,
Christi
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I'll cry if I want too, and it's not all about you!
I thought I was done venting with my other post. But I don't think I am.
It hurts to know that when I lost Isaac and Sweet Pea people made it about them. Friends that were pregnant (NOT ALL OF THEM, but most of them) made it all about them. When I asked for space they made me feel bad. Along with those friends, just people in general, made me feel like I was resenting them. Made me feel like I should just suck it up and get over it.
I hated it. I never once resented my friends that were pregnant! It killed me to see them or any pregnant women for that matter because it reminded me of WHAT I LOST. Not what they had. I didn't want their baby. I didn't want to be them, nor would I ever! I wanted what I LOST! I wanted MY BABIES! I wanted my HAPPY ENDING.
I had someone write a blog post all about how my lose hurt her feelings because I asked for space. Oh my, it was bad. I got accused of resenting her and her baby. It hurt so much! She made it all about her. She never took the time to think about how she was acting or treating me was hurting me. She did this quite a few times when I was pregnant too. And throughout our friendship. She would treat me like crap. She's call me and yell at me or tell me what I was doing was wrong. Thing is she'd do the same thing down the road, and then it would be ok. We never did anything other than talk on the phone. And when she got pregnant the last time, she never bothered to tell me before she announced it to the world. And normally that would be fine. Thing is she knew we were trying to get pregnant again. We had been trying for 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. We'd ask each other often if they other was pregnant, and she lied to me many times. She even lied to my face when I was pretty sure she was. She never apologized for the pain it caused. It hurt allot. She claims the last 4 babies were "surprises". Not so sure about that. But it's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that God will take care of her when she gets to Heaven.
She isn't the only one. I have lots of people just blow me off since I lost my babies. They ignore me and pretend it didn't happen or that they don't know me. They just expect me to just move on and pretend I am ok. They think because we have 5 living children that I should just be happy. Thing is most of them have never been through a loss, they have NO IDEA what it feels like. Ugg. I hate living in the freaking town. I hate it so much! I wish I could just get up and move. Move somewhere people really care about you. Because here they don't! They don't care about me. If we moved away, they wouldn't miss us. They'd probably throw a party for themselves that they finally made us leave. Yes, that is how I really feel.
Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that really care. They email me, text me, and call me. They love me for me. And they reach out to support me. They love me and don't expect me to just be happy. Thing is their busy, and I don't get to hang out with them often. Everyone has a life, some happier than others.
I don't wish for what others have. I don't want a bigger house because so and so has one. I dont' want a boat or car or this or that, just because someone else has it. Because if you really look at their life and what they are hiding behind. You'll see they are just like everyone else. Their kids have issues, just like yours. Sometime they use those "things" to hide how bad their kids really are. They have fights with their husbands like everyone else. And they use those "things" to hide the fact that their husband is cheating and they don't want to be embarrassed, so they hide it. They have debt like everyone else, some more than others. They use the credit cards to buy happiness to hide the sadness and loneliness in their lives. Most people use the "things" they have in their life to hide behind. I don't want to become one of them! I don't want things to make me feel better!
I have things that I pray for. I would love a bigger house, NOT because it makes me a better person. Or because others have it. We would love a bigger house, because our family is getting to big for our small house. But it will happen in God's Time. Just like if we're meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's time. But it doesn't mean I can't pray about them. I do almost every day. I know God has a beautiful house for us. Just don't know when it will happen. I pray for a long marriage! I pray that God will continue to keep us together and always looking towards Him, putting God 1st. I pray that God will continue to help me daily see the blessing He has blessed me with.
I have never and will never resent a women or friend that is pregnant. Does it make me sad and hurt to see them, yes, And it probably will forever, unless we have another healthy baby sometime. But does that mean that I want what they have? NO! I don't want what they have. I want my own baby. I want a baby growing in my belly. I want to feel my baby moving and turning. I don't want what they have. That's their baby. I don't want their baby. I want my own baby.
But it does mean, that I will not put myself in a situation where I have to be around them, see them, or see their "updates" on fb (they get hidden). I don't feel bad about it and I shouldn't. It hurts to see them or anyone pregnant, because it brings the pain back again from losing Isaac and Sweet Pea. I hate that people don't even think about what they are doing or do and how it can hurt or affect those around them that have lost a baby. If you know someone that has lost a baby, and you find out your pregnant, you should tell that person before you announce it to the world. Because otherwise, your causing them pain. But telling them person to person, or over the phone if you live too far away, you show them respect and like their feelings matter and that you value their friendship. Otherwise, you not telling them in person or calling them, your showing them you could careless about their loss or the pain your causing. Sending a fb message isn't ok. It's not personal and is just as hurtful.
Ok. I am done. I know this probably is just a bunch of rambling. And doesn't make allot of sense. But this is my blog, and it's how I feel. I don't make excuses for how I feel. Life just sucks sometimes!
Christi
It hurts to know that when I lost Isaac and Sweet Pea people made it about them. Friends that were pregnant (NOT ALL OF THEM, but most of them) made it all about them. When I asked for space they made me feel bad. Along with those friends, just people in general, made me feel like I was resenting them. Made me feel like I should just suck it up and get over it.
I hated it. I never once resented my friends that were pregnant! It killed me to see them or any pregnant women for that matter because it reminded me of WHAT I LOST. Not what they had. I didn't want their baby. I didn't want to be them, nor would I ever! I wanted what I LOST! I wanted MY BABIES! I wanted my HAPPY ENDING.
I had someone write a blog post all about how my lose hurt her feelings because I asked for space. Oh my, it was bad. I got accused of resenting her and her baby. It hurt so much! She made it all about her. She never took the time to think about how she was acting or treating me was hurting me. She did this quite a few times when I was pregnant too. And throughout our friendship. She would treat me like crap. She's call me and yell at me or tell me what I was doing was wrong. Thing is she'd do the same thing down the road, and then it would be ok. We never did anything other than talk on the phone. And when she got pregnant the last time, she never bothered to tell me before she announced it to the world. And normally that would be fine. Thing is she knew we were trying to get pregnant again. We had been trying for 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. We'd ask each other often if they other was pregnant, and she lied to me many times. She even lied to my face when I was pretty sure she was. She never apologized for the pain it caused. It hurt allot. She claims the last 4 babies were "surprises". Not so sure about that. But it's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that God will take care of her when she gets to Heaven.
She isn't the only one. I have lots of people just blow me off since I lost my babies. They ignore me and pretend it didn't happen or that they don't know me. They just expect me to just move on and pretend I am ok. They think because we have 5 living children that I should just be happy. Thing is most of them have never been through a loss, they have NO IDEA what it feels like. Ugg. I hate living in the freaking town. I hate it so much! I wish I could just get up and move. Move somewhere people really care about you. Because here they don't! They don't care about me. If we moved away, they wouldn't miss us. They'd probably throw a party for themselves that they finally made us leave. Yes, that is how I really feel.
Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that really care. They email me, text me, and call me. They love me for me. And they reach out to support me. They love me and don't expect me to just be happy. Thing is their busy, and I don't get to hang out with them often. Everyone has a life, some happier than others.
I don't wish for what others have. I don't want a bigger house because so and so has one. I dont' want a boat or car or this or that, just because someone else has it. Because if you really look at their life and what they are hiding behind. You'll see they are just like everyone else. Their kids have issues, just like yours. Sometime they use those "things" to hide how bad their kids really are. They have fights with their husbands like everyone else. And they use those "things" to hide the fact that their husband is cheating and they don't want to be embarrassed, so they hide it. They have debt like everyone else, some more than others. They use the credit cards to buy happiness to hide the sadness and loneliness in their lives. Most people use the "things" they have in their life to hide behind. I don't want to become one of them! I don't want things to make me feel better!
I have things that I pray for. I would love a bigger house, NOT because it makes me a better person. Or because others have it. We would love a bigger house, because our family is getting to big for our small house. But it will happen in God's Time. Just like if we're meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's time. But it doesn't mean I can't pray about them. I do almost every day. I know God has a beautiful house for us. Just don't know when it will happen. I pray for a long marriage! I pray that God will continue to keep us together and always looking towards Him, putting God 1st. I pray that God will continue to help me daily see the blessing He has blessed me with.
I have never and will never resent a women or friend that is pregnant. Does it make me sad and hurt to see them, yes, And it probably will forever, unless we have another healthy baby sometime. But does that mean that I want what they have? NO! I don't want what they have. I want my own baby. I want a baby growing in my belly. I want to feel my baby moving and turning. I don't want what they have. That's their baby. I don't want their baby. I want my own baby.
But it does mean, that I will not put myself in a situation where I have to be around them, see them, or see their "updates" on fb (they get hidden). I don't feel bad about it and I shouldn't. It hurts to see them or anyone pregnant, because it brings the pain back again from losing Isaac and Sweet Pea. I hate that people don't even think about what they are doing or do and how it can hurt or affect those around them that have lost a baby. If you know someone that has lost a baby, and you find out your pregnant, you should tell that person before you announce it to the world. Because otherwise, your causing them pain. But telling them person to person, or over the phone if you live too far away, you show them respect and like their feelings matter and that you value their friendship. Otherwise, you not telling them in person or calling them, your showing them you could careless about their loss or the pain your causing. Sending a fb message isn't ok. It's not personal and is just as hurtful.
Ok. I am done. I know this probably is just a bunch of rambling. And doesn't make allot of sense. But this is my blog, and it's how I feel. I don't make excuses for how I feel. Life just sucks sometimes!
Christi
Monday, September 3, 2012
Missing You and a Vent
I've been missing my babies so very much lately. I think part of it is because my other babies have gone to school and my house it too quiet. If we hadn't lost my babies, I'd have a little one at home. And I think knowing that makes the quiet so hard.
And then each month, that we don't get pregnant makes my heart break. I have been trying to convince myself each month and I'm not pregnant and just remind myself that Aunt Flow will be here soon, so when she does, it doesn't hurt so much when it comes. And I think that if it ever comes to be that we do get pregnant, that it will be a shock. I have gotten better about not completely breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. I still cry and have a down day. But it doesn't last as long as it used to.
I went outside today, while hubby was getting the kids ready for bed, and just sat on the back deck looking at Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I just sat and looked at the tree. I just kept talking to them. Telling them how much I missed them and love them. I love knowing that they can hear me, and I wanna believe that they can see me too. I wish I could see them in my dreams. That God would give me a glimpse of them. I wish I could have some pictures to hold. But I have nothing of them. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful hankies from Lil Angels Hankies. And a person I used to be friends with made me 2 burp clothes for them. And a sweet friend of mine, gave me a little baby doll that is about the size Isaac was when he passed away. I have several things that I was given after I lost my babies. But what I wouldn't give to have something they touched or a picture. Ya know.
I have learned to try and work my schedule around nothing seeing those people I don't want to see. I pray when I know I'll be going somewhere I might see "those" people I want to avoid. And so far God has blessed me with not seeing them. It hurts so much to see those people. They have hurt me so much, and it is easier to work through the pain without seeing them. I think knowing that they have just gone on with their lives and don't care about the pain they've caused makes it harder. So I just have learned to pray. Ask God to keep them out of my life, and that he will continue to help me forgive daily.
Since the kids have gone back to school, I haven't left the house much. I have slept allot (didn't realize how tired I really was), cleaning my house and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore and giving it to Good Will. We also went grocery shopping, was really weired to do it without any kids. I also got to eat lunch with my baby on his 5th Birthday. Then I stayed to eat lunch with my daughter since they are at the same school. I had a great time, but I hate the feeling of "being the "out cast" at my kids schools. It seems like people just look at me that say to themselves, "oh she's the person no one likes here". It is probably in my head, but you know that "look" you get. Well, it's the look I get. Which is probably why I tend to stay away from their schools. Some of those people are just down right rude and mean.
I had a dream the other night, that someone I used to be friends with was pregnant with her 7th baby. She is the one I had to ask for space after I lost my Isaac. We were both pregnant with our 6th child and I just needed space. I needed space from everyone that was pregnant at that time, heck even know I need space from those that are pregnant. It was harder with her, because she took it personal and used it to make things all about her. Well, I have come to the conclusion, that she probably will have another baby sometime. And I just don't care. What they do it there business and how they afford their babies is there problem not mine. I don't have to talk to her, see her, or be apart of her life. And at this point, I am not sure I will ever want to be. She hurt me so bad, to the point that is makes me sick to think of having to be around her. And trust me she isn't the only one. There are many people in my small town that have hurt me so very much. Which is why I tend to stay away from actives here in town. I hate having to be around those people.
My daughter is starting next week to take gymnastic class. And thankfully, I don't think any of those people I don't want to be around will have kids in her class, But I think their kids will be taking classes at the same time my daughter will be taking hers. So I have a feeling I will be seeing them each week. And I tell you what,, it is making me sick to my stomach to think of having to see these high school acting witches each week. Ugg. I'm praying God will make it work out where I don't ever have to see any of them!
Ok. I think I am done venting.
Christi
And then each month, that we don't get pregnant makes my heart break. I have been trying to convince myself each month and I'm not pregnant and just remind myself that Aunt Flow will be here soon, so when she does, it doesn't hurt so much when it comes. And I think that if it ever comes to be that we do get pregnant, that it will be a shock. I have gotten better about not completely breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. I still cry and have a down day. But it doesn't last as long as it used to.
I went outside today, while hubby was getting the kids ready for bed, and just sat on the back deck looking at Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I just sat and looked at the tree. I just kept talking to them. Telling them how much I missed them and love them. I love knowing that they can hear me, and I wanna believe that they can see me too. I wish I could see them in my dreams. That God would give me a glimpse of them. I wish I could have some pictures to hold. But I have nothing of them. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful hankies from Lil Angels Hankies. And a person I used to be friends with made me 2 burp clothes for them. And a sweet friend of mine, gave me a little baby doll that is about the size Isaac was when he passed away. I have several things that I was given after I lost my babies. But what I wouldn't give to have something they touched or a picture. Ya know.
I have learned to try and work my schedule around nothing seeing those people I don't want to see. I pray when I know I'll be going somewhere I might see "those" people I want to avoid. And so far God has blessed me with not seeing them. It hurts so much to see those people. They have hurt me so much, and it is easier to work through the pain without seeing them. I think knowing that they have just gone on with their lives and don't care about the pain they've caused makes it harder. So I just have learned to pray. Ask God to keep them out of my life, and that he will continue to help me forgive daily.
Since the kids have gone back to school, I haven't left the house much. I have slept allot (didn't realize how tired I really was), cleaning my house and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore and giving it to Good Will. We also went grocery shopping, was really weired to do it without any kids. I also got to eat lunch with my baby on his 5th Birthday. Then I stayed to eat lunch with my daughter since they are at the same school. I had a great time, but I hate the feeling of "being the "out cast" at my kids schools. It seems like people just look at me that say to themselves, "oh she's the person no one likes here". It is probably in my head, but you know that "look" you get. Well, it's the look I get. Which is probably why I tend to stay away from their schools. Some of those people are just down right rude and mean.
I had a dream the other night, that someone I used to be friends with was pregnant with her 7th baby. She is the one I had to ask for space after I lost my Isaac. We were both pregnant with our 6th child and I just needed space. I needed space from everyone that was pregnant at that time, heck even know I need space from those that are pregnant. It was harder with her, because she took it personal and used it to make things all about her. Well, I have come to the conclusion, that she probably will have another baby sometime. And I just don't care. What they do it there business and how they afford their babies is there problem not mine. I don't have to talk to her, see her, or be apart of her life. And at this point, I am not sure I will ever want to be. She hurt me so bad, to the point that is makes me sick to think of having to be around her. And trust me she isn't the only one. There are many people in my small town that have hurt me so very much. Which is why I tend to stay away from actives here in town. I hate having to be around those people.
My daughter is starting next week to take gymnastic class. And thankfully, I don't think any of those people I don't want to be around will have kids in her class, But I think their kids will be taking classes at the same time my daughter will be taking hers. So I have a feeling I will be seeing them each week. And I tell you what,, it is making me sick to my stomach to think of having to see these high school acting witches each week. Ugg. I'm praying God will make it work out where I don't ever have to see any of them!
Ok. I think I am done venting.
Christi
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