Can't Believe it

I can't believe it's almost been 6 months since I said good-bye to Isaac and almost 3 months since I said good-bye to Sweet Pea.

January 18th, it will be 6 month since I saw my Sweet baby lifeless on the sonogram screen.  January 21st, will be 6 months since I delivered my Sweet Angel.

January 24th, will be 3 months since we saw our Sweet Pea for the 1st and last time, with no heart beat.  January 25th, will be 3 months since I passed my Sweet Angel and said good bye.

Such sadness in such a short amount of time.  My Sweet Twins will be 8 on January 19th, but it is also the 3rd Anniversary of my friend's Husband death.  He passed away in 2009 unexpectially.  I can't imagine losing my husband.  Behind God, he is my rock. 

It still doesn't seem real at times.  That I have lost 2 babies.  That I have 2 babies that I will never hold this side of Heaven.

I got to talk about them again today.  I was at an ARD meeting for 2 of my kids.  And I was asked how many kids I had.  I said 5 here with me and 2 in Heaven.  It gave me a chance to talk about my Isaac and Sweet Pea.  It gave me a chance to share my Faith.  It also gave the women asking a chance to talk about her miscarriage.  I had meet her once last year, and never knew she had a miscarriage.  And she was taken back by the fact that she felt so comfortable talking to me about it and other things we talked about.  I was glad she felt as ease talking to me.  And I was honored and blessed to share the same God with her and the same Faith.  It is an awesome thing to be able to talk to another believer about similar losses.

It warms my heart to be able to talk about my Angels.  My Sweet Babies in Heaven.  I love when people ask about them by name.  They have a name, they aren't just my angels.  They are and always will be my children.  They may not be able to live in our home, or join us on a vacation.  But they will always be a big part of our family!!  They will always be our kids.  They are waiting for us in Heaven.  They are excited to see us loving on the kids we have here, and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven when God calls us home.

It still and I am sure will forever break my heart, that I will never experience all the wonderful 1st with Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I will never get to hold them for the 1st time, look into their eyes, and smell their hair after a bath.  I will never get to buy their 1st Birthday Cake, or see their 1st steps.  So many things that will never happen.

But I know that was God's Will.  It was God's Will for Isaac and Sweet Pea to leave us early.  Why I will probably never know this side of Heaven.  But I trust and believe there was a reason.

I have faith and trust God will continue to carry us through the tough times.  Because as some days are easier, there will still be hard days ahead.  Like when I see pregnant women.  That is still so very hard.  I was to just run.  They don't know, that seeing their bellies makes me heart break.  Nor do I know if they have ever experienced what I have lost.  I don't judge them, but I do know for now, I can't be in the same room for too long.  Just to hard and painful right now.

So for now, we will continue to trust God to bless our family in his time if it's his Will.  We will not try and control the situation.  We will let God's Will happen in his time.


Christi

Never Once

Have you heard this song?  It is the song called "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  Have you ever just read the lyrics?

Verse 1

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Verse 2

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You've done

Knowing every victory

Is Your power in us

Pre-Chorus

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Chorus 1

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Repeat Verse 2

Repeat Pre-Chorus

Chorus 2

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

What about this song?  It is the song called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Have you read this lyrics?

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

These 2 songs have such a different meaning to me after experiencing 2 miscarriages.  They hit a pain in my heart that is so deep.  So deep that only God can understand.

With the song "Never Once", it reminds me that through the dark pain that hit so hard not once but twice.  That God never left me.  He never told me to suck it up and walk alone.  He never expected me to just get over it and move on.  He wanted me to grieve.  He wanted me to realize that I needed me to carry me.  I needed to cry out to God and ask him to heal me.  I needed to come back to God and realize I can't take a breath without him.  I needed to give control back to him.  I needed to stop telling God what I wanted and what I wanted for my family.  I needed to stop and ask God what he wanted me to do.  What plans did God have for our family.  I have realized that I am so important to God, I am his daughter.  He loves me so very much and wants me to love him with everything I am .

The songs says, Standing on a Mountain Top and seeing how far we've come, knowing with every step God was with us.  I can look back at the last 5 months and see how far God has brought me.  He has brought me through losing 2 babies.  Having to say goodbye to 2 precious angels way too early.  He let my body go into labor twice so that I could pass my babies on my terms and not with a doctor ripping them out of them.  He knew that for me, I needed that.

I can close my eyes and see how much God has changed me.  He has grown my Faith and my strength through sadness and pain.  I can see how God blessed me with true friends that I made along the way.  So that when I went through the toughest storm I'd ever been through, I wouldn't do it alone.

Now with the song "Blessings", it has a different meaning to me.  It hit more with my 1st loss and then made more since with my 2nd.  To me is means this:

1.The rain drops: saying goodbye to both my angel babies

2.Healing through tears:  knowing that God was in control and was holding me and carrying me

thousand sleepless nights: to understand that God's plan is greater than mine.  That His Will is perfect and mine is flawed

3.What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise:  Maybe my babies would not have made it after birth.  Maybe it was God's way of protecting my family from a greater pain

4. What if my greatest disappointments, Or the aching of this life, Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy:  It gives me all more the desire to go and fly away when God calls me home.

It is funny to me how God can use a song that meant one thing to you before a trial to mean something so different on the other end of the pain.  He can use a song to show you his love, his power, and where your falling.  He can use a song to bring you close and show you he's right there.  I love worshipping God with my voice, thankfully God doesn't care if you can sing well.  Because I can't.

I remember telling my Husband many years ago.  That when God called me home, I would have a hard time going.  I would miss my Husband and kids.  I didn't care about anything material or anything.  Just my husband and kids.  But what a loss with do to you.  I told him after we lost Isaac.  That when God calls me home, I'm going.  I'm not turning back or waiting for anyone.  I have 2 babies that I want to see and nothing is stopping me.  I also told him that if I die, to let me die.  Don't let them try and bring me back.  Just let God take me and keep me.  I am happy to be here on earth with my Hubby and Kids until God calls me home.  I will not worry about my Sweet Angels in Heaven.  They are perfect, happy, and well taken care of.  But when God calls me, there's nothing stopping me!  I want to go and see my God.  I want to just sit on his lap and be held.  I want to be held by my Heavenly Father.  Next I want to kneel at the feet of my Jesus.  I want to pour my tears out and thank Jesus for his life that saved mine.  And lastly, I want to see my babies.  I want to see I Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I want to hold them and kiss them and see them face to face for the 1st time.

I started a journal after I lost Isaac.  I haven't written in it much since I started the blog.  I am thinking that I will need to print this blog out at some point and make it into a journal for my children.  I want them to be able to see my journey.

So, I guess that is it for now, 

Christi

A Hard Day

Well,  we made it through the "day" we would have taken Isaac if God hadn't taken him back too soon.  It was a good and hard day.  Tried to do my best to keep from thinking about what would have been, and what I would have been doing.  It was never meant to be.  That wasn't God's Plan or His Will for Isaac's life.

I didn't cry (which is amazing for me) until that night.  I saw a post on a blog that I've been reading for years.  She had her little boy on the same day, we would have had Isaac.  It was bitter sweet to read it.  Because she has had more pain and loss in her life than I have.  Her 1st pregnancy ended in a Miscarriage around 14 weeks.  She got pregnant with her Isaac, and found out at 18 weeks or so, he wouldn't survive after birth.  Isaac was born in March and lived for 16 minutes.  She then had a little girl and then another miscarriage around 6 weeks.  Then she and I got pregnant with my Isaac and her Jacob at about the same time.  But I lost Isaac at 15 1/2 weeks.

So she knows the pain I feel, she knows what it is like to watch people having babies when you have lost so much.  So I am so happy for her, and she deserves this joy in her life.  But I'm sad for me.  Because every time I see a "he's a month, or year" pictures, I'll think that could be "Isaac".  Or Isaac could be doing that and so much more.  So for now, I'm going to have to take a break from the blog.  Just to painful to see and read the updates.

So don't ever feel bad if you have to take a break from a friendship or whatever for a bit when your healing.  You need to do what will help you heal.  And if their really your friend, they'll understand and give you space.  And they'll be there for you when your ready to come back.  You'll find out who really isn't your friend quickly too.  When you need them, they'll never there.  They ignore you and don't ever have time for you.  It is sad, that sometimes it takes a tough and such a hard loss to find out the truth about your friendships.

So, now we're onto the "due date" of Isaac.  It will be the 6th of January.  It is also our 11th Wedding Anniversary.  So hubby and I are going to a hotel for the night and having some alone time.   It will give us time to just hold each other and bond.  I miss my babies and I know they are healthy and having so much fun in Heaven.  But that doesn't make me miss them any less.

Just remember to lean on God through your pain.  He is the most important part in your healing.  He wants to help you heal and grow.

Christi

Christmas

We had our Family Christmas yesterday with everyone.  It went as well as it could.

We did your family Christmas with us and the kids 1st.  They got lots of Lego's and puzzles.  Elizabeth got Polly Pockets, a barbie, my little ponies, and some stuff for her doll house.  They had fun opening presents and seeing some new toys.  My hubby got what he wanted, the Whole Collection of Star Wars.  I got what I wanted too.  I got 2 Charms that represent Isaac and Sweet Pea.  The Charm's are Heart Shaped and say "My Heart Remembers" and on the other side it say "Isaac 7-21-11" and the other one says "Sweet Pea 10-25-11".  I want to eventually get a Charm for my Oldest and younger 2 to add to a necklace.  I have a charm for my Twins with their names and b-day's on them.  But I need one for the other 3.  And then I want to get a necklace to put them all on.  That way I have something with all 7 babies on their.  It made me cry to see them, but because it made my heart happy.  I also got the entire collection of "I Love Lucy."

Then we spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon putting puzzles together, so that I could see what pieces we were missing from the ones we already had.  And then I numbered each puzzle with a number and then all the pieces with that same number.  So that if they get mixed up again, it will be allot easier to find the match.  The kids help (against their will.  They called me a "salve driver".  I just laughed and told them to finish the puzzle and start a new one.  Most were like 50 or 100 pieces, so nothing to big.

Then about 3ish My Hubby's mom, 2 sisters, and his mom's boyfriend came over.  Hubby was cooking the turkey, and I did sweet potatoes and veggies.  His mom did some pies.  Then about 3:30ish my Older Brother and his Wife came.  They brought her wonderful mashed potatoes, rolls, pumpkin pie, and a pecan pie.  And then my younger brother, his girlfriend, and her 2 boys came about 4:30ish or so.  We all ate dinner and had a good time.

We sat around and just talked after dinner and then opened more gifts.  Got some good stuff.  Everyone seem to like what they got.  My brother and his girlfriend had to leave early.  She lives like 2 hours away and still had to take my brother home.  So after they left, we watched "Cars 2" and then everyone else left.  The kids went to bed around 9pm.  They didn't get a nap that day, so they were all wiped out and slept good.

Aaron and I stayed up a for bit and just hung out and talked.  I did pretty good that day.  I was sad and missed my babies.  But I tried to distract myself from thinking about it too much.  I know Isaac and Sweet Pea were so excited to be spending their 1st Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.  And I know they were looking down on us too.  They wanted us to be Happy and not sad.  I believe they were helping us to be happy and I could feel them close to me.

I know as it gets closer to the 28th, the harder it will be for me.  But I know God is giving me strength and peace right now.  I told my Hubby that I have a new prayer I pray when I am out and about.  I pray this when I think I might see a pregnant women or a new baby.  I pray for God to protect my eyes and my heart.  That way, it won't hurt so much if I see them or that maybe God will help me not to see any.

So that is about it for now.  Just trying to get through each day with a smile and happiness in my heart for all that I have.

Christi