Never Once

Have you heard this song?  It is the song called "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  Have you ever just read the lyrics?

Verse 1

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Verse 2

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You've done

Knowing every victory

Is Your power in us

Pre-Chorus

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Chorus 1

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Repeat Verse 2

Repeat Pre-Chorus

Chorus 2

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

What about this song?  It is the song called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Have you read this lyrics?

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

These 2 songs have such a different meaning to me after experiencing 2 miscarriages.  They hit a pain in my heart that is so deep.  So deep that only God can understand.

With the song "Never Once", it reminds me that through the dark pain that hit so hard not once but twice.  That God never left me.  He never told me to suck it up and walk alone.  He never expected me to just get over it and move on.  He wanted me to grieve.  He wanted me to realize that I needed me to carry me.  I needed to cry out to God and ask him to heal me.  I needed to come back to God and realize I can't take a breath without him.  I needed to give control back to him.  I needed to stop telling God what I wanted and what I wanted for my family.  I needed to stop and ask God what he wanted me to do.  What plans did God have for our family.  I have realized that I am so important to God, I am his daughter.  He loves me so very much and wants me to love him with everything I am .

The songs says, Standing on a Mountain Top and seeing how far we've come, knowing with every step God was with us.  I can look back at the last 5 months and see how far God has brought me.  He has brought me through losing 2 babies.  Having to say goodbye to 2 precious angels way too early.  He let my body go into labor twice so that I could pass my babies on my terms and not with a doctor ripping them out of them.  He knew that for me, I needed that.

I can close my eyes and see how much God has changed me.  He has grown my Faith and my strength through sadness and pain.  I can see how God blessed me with true friends that I made along the way.  So that when I went through the toughest storm I'd ever been through, I wouldn't do it alone.

Now with the song "Blessings", it has a different meaning to me.  It hit more with my 1st loss and then made more since with my 2nd.  To me is means this:

1.The rain drops: saying goodbye to both my angel babies

2.Healing through tears:  knowing that God was in control and was holding me and carrying me

thousand sleepless nights: to understand that God's plan is greater than mine.  That His Will is perfect and mine is flawed

3.What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise:  Maybe my babies would not have made it after birth.  Maybe it was God's way of protecting my family from a greater pain

4. What if my greatest disappointments, Or the aching of this life, Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy:  It gives me all more the desire to go and fly away when God calls me home.

It is funny to me how God can use a song that meant one thing to you before a trial to mean something so different on the other end of the pain.  He can use a song to show you his love, his power, and where your falling.  He can use a song to bring you close and show you he's right there.  I love worshipping God with my voice, thankfully God doesn't care if you can sing well.  Because I can't.

I remember telling my Husband many years ago.  That when God called me home, I would have a hard time going.  I would miss my Husband and kids.  I didn't care about anything material or anything.  Just my husband and kids.  But what a loss with do to you.  I told him after we lost Isaac.  That when God calls me home, I'm going.  I'm not turning back or waiting for anyone.  I have 2 babies that I want to see and nothing is stopping me.  I also told him that if I die, to let me die.  Don't let them try and bring me back.  Just let God take me and keep me.  I am happy to be here on earth with my Hubby and Kids until God calls me home.  I will not worry about my Sweet Angels in Heaven.  They are perfect, happy, and well taken care of.  But when God calls me, there's nothing stopping me!  I want to go and see my God.  I want to just sit on his lap and be held.  I want to be held by my Heavenly Father.  Next I want to kneel at the feet of my Jesus.  I want to pour my tears out and thank Jesus for his life that saved mine.  And lastly, I want to see my babies.  I want to see I Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I want to hold them and kiss them and see them face to face for the 1st time.

I started a journal after I lost Isaac.  I haven't written in it much since I started the blog.  I am thinking that I will need to print this blog out at some point and make it into a journal for my children.  I want them to be able to see my journey.

So, I guess that is it for now, 

Christi

New Year 2012

So, 2011 wasn't the best year in my life.  We had allot of sad things happen.  Allot of big Anniversary's come up, some happy and some sad.

So let's start at the beginning of 2011:

January:  We celebrated our 10th Wedding Anniversary, Twins turned 7
February: Daughter turned 5, our Van died for the last time
March: Dad would have turned 69, we bought our "New to Us Van"
April: Nothing
May: Marked 12 years since my Dad passed away, found out we were expecting baby #6, was put on bedrest due to bleeding
June: My Oldest turned 9,  Baby #6 continued to grow and get bigger
July: Found out Isaac had passed away
August: I had a birthday, went on our 1st Family Vacation since the twins were born, 4 of my 5 kids started school, youngest turned 4
September: Found out we were expecting baby #7
October: My Mom's Birthday (66), Found out we lost Sweet Pea, My Husband had a Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: My Mom's mom passed away 12 years ago, Christmas, and what would have been Isaac's Birthday

I pray for 2012 to be better.  I pray that I will continue to Pray for God's Will above my own will.  I pray that God will bless us with his Blessings in His Time.  I pray for happiness and no more death.  I pray we will continue to stick to our budget.  I pray that Hubby's Job will continue to be a joy for him.  I pray that Hubby will continue to have his job for many more years to come.

I truly Thank God for the friends that I have still in my life.  After 2 miscarriages, you truly find out who is and isn't your friend.  You find out who truly loves you and supports you.  You find out who just ignores you and your losses.  Those people who have chosen not to step up and be a true friend during this time for us, can just go away.  I don't need them.  God has showed me it isn't the amount of friends you have that matters, but how far those friends will go to help you and love you and support you.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought.  NOT because of my strength, but Because God strengthens me.  Through each struggle and trial God brings me through, my faith and my understandings grow.  I praise God for the trials, and ask God to let me use them to help others who walk the path after me.

I miss my Sweet Angels that are no longer with me.  God took them back so early for a reason.  One that I will probably never understand this side of Heaven.  But it is on the list of questions, I would like to ask God when I get to Heaven.  I miss my Dad, but I know that he is in a better place now.  He is healthy and no longer sick and in pain.  But I also believe that some things (usually sad ones) have to happen in order for better things to come.

One example of that is this:  When I was around 21ish, I still lived at home.  I worked as a Nanny for 3 precious girls.  I was dating (I think engaged at this point) to a guy named Michael.  My dad wasn't sick yet.  I was going to school to learn how to run a daycare.  Michael and I broke up at the end of September.  I knew it was coming.  I could feel God telling me, he isn't the guy for you, he isn't the man I want you to marry.  It hurt so bad, until one day when he came over to help me fix my tire.  He had clothes in the back of his mustang (he trade his truck in for this after we broke up).  I asked why he had clothes in his car.  He tried to ignore the question, but finally told me he slept over at a friends house after a party (aka - he was sleeping with another girl already).  We hadn't even been broke up a month yet.  Anyways, it was what I needed to let go.

Fast forward to the end of December.  I was dating some here and there.  But had made a promise to myself, that I would not have sex with anyone again (Michael was my 1st and only) until I got married.   I got a cold or something and my dad thought he had gotten it too.  On Jan. 1, 1999, we took my Dad to the ER.  My mom and I sat there and waited and waited.  I was dating another guy named Michael who also drove a mustang.  I was calling him and taking to him about my dad and that I was scared.  He seemed to care.  That was until my Dad was dying, then he just dropped me.  I learned something from all that: guys named Michael and drive mustang's are usually jerks.  I dated 3 of them and all of them jerks.

We learned that night that if we hadn't taken my Dad to the ER he would have been dead the next day.  We found out he had cancer, and it was wrapped around his organs.  They believed they got it all and he would be in the hospital for a couple weeks.  Long story short, my dad was in and out of the hospital from Jan. - May.  I learned during that period that I needed to forgive my Dad and just love him.  I did my best to take care of him, while watching him get sicker and sicker.  He was fading away.  We took him back to the hospital around the end of April.  He would never come home.  He was giving up and God was letting him.  My Dad wanted to go home, he wanted to go see God.

During this 5 months, while I was losing my dad, I learned allot.  My Cousin, was engaged (she told him she wanted a divorce right before their 7th Anniversary), my Boyfriend Michael that I was engaged too, got his girlfriend pregnant and was marrying her (I was thanking God with everything I had, that this wasn't me!!), that my mom and I needed each other so very much.  We were looking for an apartment to rent.  And that God was going to get me through this and I was going to learn allot about my Faith, my relationship with God, and that he does everything for a reason.

My dad passed away on May 1, 1999.  That was a very sad day, but also a happy day.  Sad, that my dad was gone, but happy to know he was no longer in pain and now with our Heavenly Father.  My mom and I found an apartment, and moved in at the end of May.  I leaned allot on my mom and loved spending time with my 3 girls, I was still a Nanny for.  My mom and I got our 1st computer and Internet in January 2000.  It was my very 1st taste of Internet.

This is what God used to help me meet my Husband to be.  I got an email from "Bolt.com".  It wasn't a dating website, but just a place to meet people and talk.  You would answer the profile questions and then they would match you with some people that shared your interests. I had to do that profile thing 3 times before, I finally got a match.  I got 3 different matches.  One of them my husband and 2 other guys.  I only liked 2 of them.  But God let only one of them really stick out.  And that was my husband.  Funny thing is that I never saw that my Husband lived so far away.  So we started talking my email on this site, and then on our regular email.  Then by phone every day for hours.

We did this until June we we 1st meet in person.  I knew before that (and he did too) we were meant to be.  God used my Dad's death to bring my husband to me.  I know we would have meant another way, if God didn't take my dad.  But I am glad that I trusted God to bring the man into my life that He had made for me. 

In just a couple of days, we will be celebrating our 11th Wedding Anniversary.  I can't believe 11th years.  We have been through allot.  But I am blessed to have him in my life and I'm grateful God made him for me and me for him.

So long story short, sometimes bad things have to happen to have something good come from it.

I have allot of people telling me, your Rainbow Baby will come.  And I know they believe that, but for me.  I believe God is in control.  And if His Will is for us to have another baby, then it will happen.  But I refuse to let myself dwell on that, or plan for it.  It isn't in my control, it is in God's Control.  We will make love when we want and only when we want.  And if God wants us to have a baby, he will do it. 

So every time I start to wonder, worry, or fear that we will never have another baby.  I will. remind myself, it is not up to me.  I am not in control.  It is in God's Hands and in God's Control.  Right were it should be.

So yes, I do pray for a better 2012.  But I also pray that God will continue to help me grow and become more like Jesus everyday.  And God will continue to lead me, speak to me, and guide me every day of my life.  That God will protect my family and my real friends.  And that God will let me use Isaac's and Sweet Pea's short life to bring unsaved souls to God.

I pray that this year will be all that God has planned for you!

Christi