Can't Believe it

I can't believe it's almost been 6 months since I said good-bye to Isaac and almost 3 months since I said good-bye to Sweet Pea.

January 18th, it will be 6 month since I saw my Sweet baby lifeless on the sonogram screen.  January 21st, will be 6 months since I delivered my Sweet Angel.

January 24th, will be 3 months since we saw our Sweet Pea for the 1st and last time, with no heart beat.  January 25th, will be 3 months since I passed my Sweet Angel and said good bye.

Such sadness in such a short amount of time.  My Sweet Twins will be 8 on January 19th, but it is also the 3rd Anniversary of my friend's Husband death.  He passed away in 2009 unexpectially.  I can't imagine losing my husband.  Behind God, he is my rock. 

It still doesn't seem real at times.  That I have lost 2 babies.  That I have 2 babies that I will never hold this side of Heaven.

I got to talk about them again today.  I was at an ARD meeting for 2 of my kids.  And I was asked how many kids I had.  I said 5 here with me and 2 in Heaven.  It gave me a chance to talk about my Isaac and Sweet Pea.  It gave me a chance to share my Faith.  It also gave the women asking a chance to talk about her miscarriage.  I had meet her once last year, and never knew she had a miscarriage.  And she was taken back by the fact that she felt so comfortable talking to me about it and other things we talked about.  I was glad she felt as ease talking to me.  And I was honored and blessed to share the same God with her and the same Faith.  It is an awesome thing to be able to talk to another believer about similar losses.

It warms my heart to be able to talk about my Angels.  My Sweet Babies in Heaven.  I love when people ask about them by name.  They have a name, they aren't just my angels.  They are and always will be my children.  They may not be able to live in our home, or join us on a vacation.  But they will always be a big part of our family!!  They will always be our kids.  They are waiting for us in Heaven.  They are excited to see us loving on the kids we have here, and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven when God calls us home.

It still and I am sure will forever break my heart, that I will never experience all the wonderful 1st with Isaac and Sweet Pea.  I will never get to hold them for the 1st time, look into their eyes, and smell their hair after a bath.  I will never get to buy their 1st Birthday Cake, or see their 1st steps.  So many things that will never happen.

But I know that was God's Will.  It was God's Will for Isaac and Sweet Pea to leave us early.  Why I will probably never know this side of Heaven.  But I trust and believe there was a reason.

I have faith and trust God will continue to carry us through the tough times.  Because as some days are easier, there will still be hard days ahead.  Like when I see pregnant women.  That is still so very hard.  I was to just run.  They don't know, that seeing their bellies makes me heart break.  Nor do I know if they have ever experienced what I have lost.  I don't judge them, but I do know for now, I can't be in the same room for too long.  Just to hard and painful right now.

So for now, we will continue to trust God to bless our family in his time if it's his Will.  We will not try and control the situation.  We will let God's Will happen in his time.


Christi

A Hard Day

Well,  we made it through the "day" we would have taken Isaac if God hadn't taken him back too soon.  It was a good and hard day.  Tried to do my best to keep from thinking about what would have been, and what I would have been doing.  It was never meant to be.  That wasn't God's Plan or His Will for Isaac's life.

I didn't cry (which is amazing for me) until that night.  I saw a post on a blog that I've been reading for years.  She had her little boy on the same day, we would have had Isaac.  It was bitter sweet to read it.  Because she has had more pain and loss in her life than I have.  Her 1st pregnancy ended in a Miscarriage around 14 weeks.  She got pregnant with her Isaac, and found out at 18 weeks or so, he wouldn't survive after birth.  Isaac was born in March and lived for 16 minutes.  She then had a little girl and then another miscarriage around 6 weeks.  Then she and I got pregnant with my Isaac and her Jacob at about the same time.  But I lost Isaac at 15 1/2 weeks.

So she knows the pain I feel, she knows what it is like to watch people having babies when you have lost so much.  So I am so happy for her, and she deserves this joy in her life.  But I'm sad for me.  Because every time I see a "he's a month, or year" pictures, I'll think that could be "Isaac".  Or Isaac could be doing that and so much more.  So for now, I'm going to have to take a break from the blog.  Just to painful to see and read the updates.

So don't ever feel bad if you have to take a break from a friendship or whatever for a bit when your healing.  You need to do what will help you heal.  And if their really your friend, they'll understand and give you space.  And they'll be there for you when your ready to come back.  You'll find out who really isn't your friend quickly too.  When you need them, they'll never there.  They ignore you and don't ever have time for you.  It is sad, that sometimes it takes a tough and such a hard loss to find out the truth about your friendships.

So, now we're onto the "due date" of Isaac.  It will be the 6th of January.  It is also our 11th Wedding Anniversary.  So hubby and I are going to a hotel for the night and having some alone time.   It will give us time to just hold each other and bond.  I miss my babies and I know they are healthy and having so much fun in Heaven.  But that doesn't make me miss them any less.

Just remember to lean on God through your pain.  He is the most important part in your healing.  He wants to help you heal and grow.

Christi