My Heavenly Babies: May 2012

How do you celebrate Mother's Day when you've had a loss? I asked myself that year. I have never experienced a loss of a child before.

Last year right before Mother's Day, I found out I was expecting Isaac. After 2 1/2 years, I finally conceived again. We tried for 2 1/2 years to have baby number 6. After many tears, and months of crying when Aunt Flow would come. We finally got a positive pregnancy test.

We went a couple weeks later, and saw His heartbeat. Was such an awesome feeling! Then the next night I started bleeding. I went from being on Cloud 9 to my heart stopping.

Then at 15 1/2 weeks, I found out my Sweet Isaac had passed away. I went from being so excited about having another baby, to a part of myself dying.

I asked a dear friend how she celebrates Mother's Day. She lost her daughter, at birth. Then several months later she had a miscarriage. I know she had felt the pain I was and am feeling. I knew she had wisdom I needed and wanted. She told me to do something that would help me grieve, something that would help me feel closer to my babies.

I thought about it for a while, and then it came to me. I wanted to visit Isaac. At the hospital where I delivered him they have a little garden called, The Hope Garden, where they sprinkle the ashes of babies that are born before 20 weeks. I wanted to spend some time on Saturday with Isaac. I know that Sweet Pea's body isn't at the garden. But I knew I'd feel him there too.

So I asked a friend who also lost a baby to come with me. Thankfully she did! We spent almost 2 hours there on Saturday. I had decided that I want to spend some time the Saturday before Mother's Day with my Heavenly babies. And then Sunday with my Earthly Babies from now on. I need to include all my babies in my Mother's Day. They are all my babies no matter whether or not they are in my arms or my hearts.

For me that is something I need, and thankfully I have a husband that understands and is supportive! It felt so good to spend time with my babies. All my babies. They all deserve to have some time with me.

So my friend and I went Saturday. To the Hope Garden. We brought balloons and wrote notes to our Heavenly Babies. We sat and talked and I cried. I cried for the things I would never have with my babies. I asked if it ever gets easier and that I am not sure if I will ever have another baby.

Finally we tied the notes to the balloons. I had like 8 balloons. But we waited a while before we let them go. We had 2 notes per baby. So that was a total of 6 letters. Normally if we had set the balloons within a hour or 2 of them being filled. They would have been able to take 2 notes per balloon. But because we waited so long, they didn't want to go. We tried 2 balloons each, and then 3. Nothing worked. I started to get sad.

We finally decided to do just 1 note per baby and tie all the balloons together. By the Grace of God it worked! They lifted into the air. So we took them to a place where they wouldn't get stuck in the tree, so we thought.... We took pictures and then together let them go. But with our luck, they got stuck. On the one tree limb that was anywhere close. I didn't know what to do. We tried to throw rocks at them. Didn't work. So then we started praying. We asked God to allow the balloons to go and be set free. We called to our boys to help the balloons to fly. We prayed that God would allow the wind to blow and make the tree branches and leaves to blow.

After about 5 minutes of cheering on the babies to get the balloons and praying that God would send wind. The balloons were flying. They flew and flew and went into the clouds. We watched until we couldn't see the balloons anymore. We sat and talked a bit more and just enjoyed the peace and comfort of knowing our babies were close.

It was an awesome time and so peaceful.

Then Sunday, I got to spend the day with my Hubby and with my Earthly Babies. I got to sleep in and then away to laundry. But that's ok, because I am grateful to have kids to have clothes to wash for.... Then I got cards, one for each of my Earthly Babies, and then lawn art for each of my babies. And I mean all of them!! My mom and hubby got one for all 7 of my babies. I cried....not sad tears but happy tears. Tears that all my babies were included. That all my babies were remembered and included. It touched my heart. It made my heart filled. It gave me day peace. I got to put them all in our garden and put Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Windmills by there Tree we planted out back.

I can't tell you how much my Mother's Day did my heart good. But I can tell you it did. I told my hubby that I would like him to do something like that and include Isaac and Sweet Pea for every Mother's Day. He doesn't have to do that for everything, just for Mother's Day. I need that and I want that.

I have the best Mom and Husband in the whole world. For them to include my babies that aren't here anymore. Is just awesome. And most husband won't do this. Not because their mean and heartless. But because they don't know how to do it or that you want them to do it. You have to speak up and tell your husband what you want. And do it nicely.

I hope that even if you have babies in Heaven, that you were able to have a good Mother's Day. Remember to do what makes you happy and what it can help to make it easier and more peaceful for you!