On Wednesday, it marked 8 months since we said Goodbye to Isaac, and then today it marks 5 months since we said Goodbye to Sweet Pea. I pray that after the 1st year Anniversary for both, that each month won't be so hard.
I love my babies all 7 of them. I miss my last 2, but rejoice with the 5 God has blessed me to have here.
Not much has been going on. Not pregnant yet and hubby is working more. He has been travelling more. But I am grateful that God has blessed my Husband with a job, that allows me to stay home.
So what has been going on in your life? Anything good or bad you want to share?
We did have something sad happen this week and I stop and think about it. A fellow Twin Mommy lost her Battle with Cancer on Friday. She battled bone cancer for 7 years. She left behind a step daughter, a step son, and twin boy/girl that will be 11 in April. She also left behind her Husband. She was a strong Christian Women and was an awesome friend! She is truly be missed!
Christi
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tigger Targets
Mom's that have lost a baby or babies have trigger targets that make our heart hurt. The sooner we know them the better, and we need to stay away from them. Now some of those are hard to avoid, but we try are best.
Some of my trigger targets are blogs that are done by mom's that are pregnant or just had new babies. It is hard to read their post. When they talk about being tried of being pregnant, or that their tired of the morning sickness and so on. Makes me so upset. Because I would love to still be pregnant. I would give almost anything not to have lost 2 babies. And here are these pregnant momma's that are complaining. Any email from groups I am on, that have to do with a pregnant momma's, get deleted right away. Because they are also trigger targets. They make me sad, and cry. I just can't deal with it right now.
Another trigger target that is harder to control. Seeing pregnant mom's around. Seeing those big bellies makes me want to just throw up, because it causes that much stress. It is so hard and just have to tell myself to turn the other way and walk away. I try to remind myself to thank God that they still have their baby and didn't lose it like I did. Sometime it helps, and others not so much.
I have been noticing that their hasn't been allot of pregnant people at my church. Which is easier on me. But today alone, I saw at least 4 or 5. At the church my kids go to Awana's at there at least 2. I try and avoid them all. I have too. It is too painful. I think partly because I am reminded that I would still be pregnant with Sweet Pea if we hadn't lost him 4 months ago. Just a painful and sad reminder of all that I have lost.
So I am learning to stop reading those blogs, I am blocking those people on FB, and I am avoiding anyone I see that is pregnant. It is what I have to do right now to survive.
Christi
Some of my trigger targets are blogs that are done by mom's that are pregnant or just had new babies. It is hard to read their post. When they talk about being tried of being pregnant, or that their tired of the morning sickness and so on. Makes me so upset. Because I would love to still be pregnant. I would give almost anything not to have lost 2 babies. And here are these pregnant momma's that are complaining. Any email from groups I am on, that have to do with a pregnant momma's, get deleted right away. Because they are also trigger targets. They make me sad, and cry. I just can't deal with it right now.
Another trigger target that is harder to control. Seeing pregnant mom's around. Seeing those big bellies makes me want to just throw up, because it causes that much stress. It is so hard and just have to tell myself to turn the other way and walk away. I try to remind myself to thank God that they still have their baby and didn't lose it like I did. Sometime it helps, and others not so much.
I have been noticing that their hasn't been allot of pregnant people at my church. Which is easier on me. But today alone, I saw at least 4 or 5. At the church my kids go to Awana's at there at least 2. I try and avoid them all. I have too. It is too painful. I think partly because I am reminded that I would still be pregnant with Sweet Pea if we hadn't lost him 4 months ago. Just a painful and sad reminder of all that I have lost.
So I am learning to stop reading those blogs, I am blocking those people on FB, and I am avoiding anyone I see that is pregnant. It is what I have to do right now to survive.
Christi
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Sweet Pea
4 Months ago, We said Goodbye to our 2nd Baby, Sweet Pea. He joined his big Brother Isaac Nathaniel in Heaven. God has blessed our Family with peace and comfort only He can provide. I miss our Sweet Pea every day. And we all look forward to the day, that God reunites our whole family together!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
I WIll Carry You
A dear friend of mine, Deanna. Sent me this link to Michelle Duggar's Post about grieving the loss of her Sweet baby, Jubliee. It is exactly the way I feel. Michelle shared a song that has helped her healing. I thought I had heard this song, but when I listened to it on YouTube, I realized I had not.
I bawled like a baby. If you haven't heard it. Click here, and you can listen to it. You will need some tissue close by. It is called "I Will Carry You", by Selah. Here is another video of the song.
It is so true. When you lose a child, you grieve the loss of dreams.
I kept looking through the other video's of the story of Smith Family. If you don't know much about it, come and watch it. When she said, that "Jesus was the same then as before they walked in the door". I felt that same thing when we found out Isaac had past. God was the same before and He was when we found out Isaac had passed. Even when I was rocked, God was the same.
Christi
I bawled like a baby. If you haven't heard it. Click here, and you can listen to it. You will need some tissue close by. It is called "I Will Carry You", by Selah. Here is another video of the song.
It is so true. When you lose a child, you grieve the loss of dreams.
I kept looking through the other video's of the story of Smith Family. If you don't know much about it, come and watch it. When she said, that "Jesus was the same then as before they walked in the door". I felt that same thing when we found out Isaac had past. God was the same before and He was when we found out Isaac had passed. Even when I was rocked, God was the same.
Christi
WWJD
I watched a movie I had bought for our family today for Christmas. It was called "WWJD". It was a tad bit cheesy, but the message was awesome.
If you can find it, grab it and watch it.
Have you ever stopped what you were doing or thinking of doing and truly asked yourself, What Would Jesus Do? I am guilty of not doing most of the time. Lately I have been thinking about it more and wondering what God thinks of what I am doing or not doing.
If Jesus came right now, would he be pleased with were I am or would he be ashamed of me? Would God tell me "Well done my Child" or God's heart break? I am so far from where I need to be, I know that. But I pray that every day, I can become more like Jesus. I pray that each time I fall on my face, that God will pick me up, dust me off, and help me do better the next time. And remember what I have learned the hard way, and not do it again.
I have learned many things the hard way. Like who to trust and who I can't say anything important to. I am learning who truly wants to really know how I am feeling, and not just keeping face. I am learning through pain, that God will never leave me. I am learning that despite my faults, sin, and ugliness that is inside me. God still loves me and wants me to come to Him on my knees when I fail and ask for forgiveness.
What a God we have. He forgives so freely. He sent His Son, His Only Son, to die for us. Jesus took Our Sin, He took Our Punishment, He took Our Death. Jesus is Sinless. He didn't deserve the pain, torture, and death he suffered. We deserved it, all of it! But God loved us, loves us, and wants us to come to him. So He sent his Son, to take our Sin, so we could be forgiven. God gives this to everyone freely. The only thing God asks of us. To give our life to God and ask Jesus to be the Lord of our Life. That's it. It's simple. And man does it take such pressure off of you. Instead of having to control everything in your life, you learn to give the control to God and trust God to lead you.
The Bible is God's Word to us. It is our Road Map. It is the Living Word of God. Read it, and you will change. It will change you. You will want to change. Pick a book in the bible and read it. No one says you have to go in order. Pray and ask God to show you where he wants you to start. He will answer you, maybe not in a way you can "hear". But if you are quiet, you will feel God's presents.
I gave my life to God when I was around 20 or 21. I was baptised when I was 28. I had to fight with what I was told growing up (I was raised Catholic, and was taught your baptised as a baby, and that's it). But the Bible tells you, you are to be Baptised when you are aware of what your doing. And after you've given your life to Jesus and God. So finally, I felt God tell me, I want you to do this. This is to show everyone you are saved and you have My Son in your heart. Trust me. Follow me. So I did. I was 8 months pregnant with my Daughter (whose Birthday is today). I was scared, but I also felt at peace, A peace only God could give me.
I have come along ways, since I gave my life to Christ all those years ago. I still fail, I still sin, and I still fall short. But because of the promise, the gift of Jesus, and because of God, I am forgiven. And I am saved. And when God calls me home, I will spend eternity in Heaven. What a Promise!!
Will I see you in Heaven,. If you have Jesus in your Heart, I will. If you don't, I won't see you. But there's still time, don't wait. Ask someone you trust, that you know is a believer. Ask them to help you, or ask me. I'm here too. I hope to see all of you in Heaven! The other option is literally Hell. Really you will spend eternity in Hell. Read the Bible, it's in there. God loves you too much to give you anything lesser. But if you deny Jesus, He will deny you before His Father. It may seem harsh. But it's really not. God gives you free choice. Choose to trust Him and live forever in Heaven, or deny Him and suffer in Hell.
I heard it said before, and I agree with it. I would rather live my life believing in God and Believing the Bible it ALL TRUE, and get to the end of my life to find out that God isn't real. Than to live my life Denying God, trashing the Bible (His Word) and come to the end of my days, and find out God is real and I was wrong and it's too late.
Christi
If you can find it, grab it and watch it.
Have you ever stopped what you were doing or thinking of doing and truly asked yourself, What Would Jesus Do? I am guilty of not doing most of the time. Lately I have been thinking about it more and wondering what God thinks of what I am doing or not doing.
If Jesus came right now, would he be pleased with were I am or would he be ashamed of me? Would God tell me "Well done my Child" or God's heart break? I am so far from where I need to be, I know that. But I pray that every day, I can become more like Jesus. I pray that each time I fall on my face, that God will pick me up, dust me off, and help me do better the next time. And remember what I have learned the hard way, and not do it again.
I have learned many things the hard way. Like who to trust and who I can't say anything important to. I am learning who truly wants to really know how I am feeling, and not just keeping face. I am learning through pain, that God will never leave me. I am learning that despite my faults, sin, and ugliness that is inside me. God still loves me and wants me to come to Him on my knees when I fail and ask for forgiveness.
What a God we have. He forgives so freely. He sent His Son, His Only Son, to die for us. Jesus took Our Sin, He took Our Punishment, He took Our Death. Jesus is Sinless. He didn't deserve the pain, torture, and death he suffered. We deserved it, all of it! But God loved us, loves us, and wants us to come to him. So He sent his Son, to take our Sin, so we could be forgiven. God gives this to everyone freely. The only thing God asks of us. To give our life to God and ask Jesus to be the Lord of our Life. That's it. It's simple. And man does it take such pressure off of you. Instead of having to control everything in your life, you learn to give the control to God and trust God to lead you.
The Bible is God's Word to us. It is our Road Map. It is the Living Word of God. Read it, and you will change. It will change you. You will want to change. Pick a book in the bible and read it. No one says you have to go in order. Pray and ask God to show you where he wants you to start. He will answer you, maybe not in a way you can "hear". But if you are quiet, you will feel God's presents.
I gave my life to God when I was around 20 or 21. I was baptised when I was 28. I had to fight with what I was told growing up (I was raised Catholic, and was taught your baptised as a baby, and that's it). But the Bible tells you, you are to be Baptised when you are aware of what your doing. And after you've given your life to Jesus and God. So finally, I felt God tell me, I want you to do this. This is to show everyone you are saved and you have My Son in your heart. Trust me. Follow me. So I did. I was 8 months pregnant with my Daughter (whose Birthday is today). I was scared, but I also felt at peace, A peace only God could give me.
I have come along ways, since I gave my life to Christ all those years ago. I still fail, I still sin, and I still fall short. But because of the promise, the gift of Jesus, and because of God, I am forgiven. And I am saved. And when God calls me home, I will spend eternity in Heaven. What a Promise!!
Will I see you in Heaven,. If you have Jesus in your Heart, I will. If you don't, I won't see you. But there's still time, don't wait. Ask someone you trust, that you know is a believer. Ask them to help you, or ask me. I'm here too. I hope to see all of you in Heaven! The other option is literally Hell. Really you will spend eternity in Hell. Read the Bible, it's in there. God loves you too much to give you anything lesser. But if you deny Jesus, He will deny you before His Father. It may seem harsh. But it's really not. God gives you free choice. Choose to trust Him and live forever in Heaven, or deny Him and suffer in Hell.
I heard it said before, and I agree with it. I would rather live my life believing in God and Believing the Bible it ALL TRUE, and get to the end of my life to find out that God isn't real. Than to live my life Denying God, trashing the Bible (His Word) and come to the end of my days, and find out God is real and I was wrong and it's too late.
Christi
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I am not alone, I have God!
I am not alone with losing a baby. I am not alone with dealing with the daily pain of not having one of your kids with you. I am not alone with having people tell you, "oh, I thought we had a miscarriage" but they are now they hold their baby, and yours is dead. Or have someone say to you "I had a test say something was wrong with my baby" but now their baby is fine. but your is gone, or have someone say "losing a loved one is hard for everyone, it's the memories that make it hard", or "your lucky that you didn't have to go full term and lose the baby", "it was God's way of telling you something was wrong", and so much more.
I know they mean no harm by it. But if you'd lost a baby, you know how much that hurts. It hurts to have someone try and compare themselves to you, when they know nothing of the pain your feeling. Unless you've lost a child, you can never know the pain that comes with it. It is not a pain I would ever wish on anyone. I never once and will never once, ask God, why me and not someone else. Because that means someone else would have to know this pain. This is not a pain that I want anyone else to feel and know. But unfortunately, I can't keep that from happening. It happens everyday. They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage or babyloss. That is cruel. But it shows once again, we live in a fall world. A world full of sin.
So I want to make it my goal to help, to help teach people how to help their loved ones and friends that have had this loss. Their are things that help and things that just make the pain worse. One thing is never say you understand what their going through, unless you have lost a child. Never compare what you have gone through or going through with a mom that has miscarried, carrying a baby that will not live after birth, or lost a baby at birth or stillborn, unless you have truly been in that situation. Even if you thought you might have had a miscarriage for what ever reason, but now know your baby is fine. Do not compare that to a mom that is very likely to miscarry or has miscarry. That is just hurtful and not something a friend should say.
Most mom's after a loss can't discern whether you are trying to help or just cause more pain by being rude. I would think most people are trying to help, and just don't know what to say. What you can do to help would be a few of these: a hug, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby" (it is so important to acknowledge the loss of the child, not just the loss), offer to make dinner, do some laundry, take care of their other kids (if they have some), just be there to listen (unless you've been through a loss of a child, you can't truly understand and give advice, but you can listen), send cards, emails telling them your thinking and praying for them. And don't do it just once to twice. It is something that is on going for a while. The mom will be grieving for a long time. She will never be the same, so don't expect her to be. She has learned a very hard lesson, that not all babies come home. That sometimes babies just stay with us for a short time, and then go back to Heaven so early.
Each mom will do something different with their pain. Some will be mad for a long time, some will choose to use their pain to help others, and some will find God because of it. I wonder how mom's that don't know God get through this. I know that because of God, I have done better than if I wouldn't have known God. God has carried me many times through this process. I couldn't do this without God. I couldn't get up each morning without God. God knew this was going to happen, this didn't catch him off guard. Nothing does. He was prepared to see me and my family through this. He put the people in my life, he knew I would need to help me. He also showed me very quickly who I didn't need in my life anymore.
My point is, every mom is different. We all handle grieve different. What will help one may not help another. But if your supportive, listen (we don't want to be fixed, just listened too!), love on us, and let us know your praying and thinking of us. It will go a long ways. Don't worry about saying the right thing, if you don't know what to say, just hug the person and say "I'm sorry for the loss of you baby". If the baby has a name, call the child by name. It means so much to us mom's when you call our child or children by name. They are a real person, they may not be here anymore. But they are a person, they are our child, our baby.
Christi
I know they mean no harm by it. But if you'd lost a baby, you know how much that hurts. It hurts to have someone try and compare themselves to you, when they know nothing of the pain your feeling. Unless you've lost a child, you can never know the pain that comes with it. It is not a pain I would ever wish on anyone. I never once and will never once, ask God, why me and not someone else. Because that means someone else would have to know this pain. This is not a pain that I want anyone else to feel and know. But unfortunately, I can't keep that from happening. It happens everyday. They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage or babyloss. That is cruel. But it shows once again, we live in a fall world. A world full of sin.
So I want to make it my goal to help, to help teach people how to help their loved ones and friends that have had this loss. Their are things that help and things that just make the pain worse. One thing is never say you understand what their going through, unless you have lost a child. Never compare what you have gone through or going through with a mom that has miscarried, carrying a baby that will not live after birth, or lost a baby at birth or stillborn, unless you have truly been in that situation. Even if you thought you might have had a miscarriage for what ever reason, but now know your baby is fine. Do not compare that to a mom that is very likely to miscarry or has miscarry. That is just hurtful and not something a friend should say.
Most mom's after a loss can't discern whether you are trying to help or just cause more pain by being rude. I would think most people are trying to help, and just don't know what to say. What you can do to help would be a few of these: a hug, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby" (it is so important to acknowledge the loss of the child, not just the loss), offer to make dinner, do some laundry, take care of their other kids (if they have some), just be there to listen (unless you've been through a loss of a child, you can't truly understand and give advice, but you can listen), send cards, emails telling them your thinking and praying for them. And don't do it just once to twice. It is something that is on going for a while. The mom will be grieving for a long time. She will never be the same, so don't expect her to be. She has learned a very hard lesson, that not all babies come home. That sometimes babies just stay with us for a short time, and then go back to Heaven so early.
Each mom will do something different with their pain. Some will be mad for a long time, some will choose to use their pain to help others, and some will find God because of it. I wonder how mom's that don't know God get through this. I know that because of God, I have done better than if I wouldn't have known God. God has carried me many times through this process. I couldn't do this without God. I couldn't get up each morning without God. God knew this was going to happen, this didn't catch him off guard. Nothing does. He was prepared to see me and my family through this. He put the people in my life, he knew I would need to help me. He also showed me very quickly who I didn't need in my life anymore.
My point is, every mom is different. We all handle grieve different. What will help one may not help another. But if your supportive, listen (we don't want to be fixed, just listened too!), love on us, and let us know your praying and thinking of us. It will go a long ways. Don't worry about saying the right thing, if you don't know what to say, just hug the person and say "I'm sorry for the loss of you baby". If the baby has a name, call the child by name. It means so much to us mom's when you call our child or children by name. They are a real person, they may not be here anymore. But they are a person, they are our child, our baby.
Christi
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