I miss my babies every day. There is not a day that I don't think of my babies in some way. So many things remind my of them. Songs, places, people, and my own kids.
But one thing I have decided that I will not longer allow the things in my life to rule how I feel. I will not allow the sight of a pregnant women to make me wanna run the other way and cry. I will not allow newborn babies to turn my stomach upside down. That doesn't mean it still won't hurt some or that I won't get choked up. But I will not allow it to run my life.
I am happy for those momma's. But that doesn't mean I need to be around them. I don't need to put myself in situations where I will be around them for long. Because that is still to hard. But a brief walk by or simple hello isn't going to hurt me anymore. I won't let it. I won't let Satan use something so special to continue to hurt me.
I still won't attend baby showers, not sure I will ever again. That is something that I just can't do. I am happy for those momma's. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I know that is something just too hard. Brings back memories that are too painful.
See the weekend before I found out we lost Isaac. A friend and I were talking about when and where would be a good time to have a baby shower. We were so excited because I had stopped spotting and no more discharge. I thought Isaac was going to be ok. But instead the following day, I found out our Sweet Baby was gone. His body still inside me, and his Soul was already in Heaven.
We we went from planning a baby shower to telling family and our kids that our Son had died. So for me baby showers are something that is just too hard. They aren't happy anymore. They aren't pink and blue and smiles. They are sad, they are heartbreaking, and they are a painful reminder of what will never be.
I still have people asking me, have you seen a consuler? I say "no". I never did and never felt like I had too. But it still amazing me when people ask. I mean really??? I don't spend all day in bed! I don't cry all day! I don't cry most days at all! I don't hide out all the time. I talk to people, maybe not the same people I did before my losses. I do get out and I spend time with friends and family. Yes, I've changed, but I am ok with that. I have let go of the people in my life that have hurt me. I don't need the added pain. I have enough pain. I have let go of people who want and have made my pain all about them. You'd be surprise by the people in my life that have done this. Never thought they would have done it. But when I look back on it, I really don't need them. I don't miss them.
But I have added allot more friends. Maybe not friends that I go out and do things with. But friends that understand what I am going through and what it feels like to lose a baby or babies. They know what it feels like to try month after month for a baby with no success. And at the end of the day, I don't have to explain myself to any of these people.
I do have a couple of very close friends. They have never lost a baby, but have had other hardships in their lives. Things that bond us and bring us closer.
I have a husband that loves me for me. And though he may not understand how I feel. And he doesn't always understand what I need to feel better. He is there. Sometimes he says the wrong things at the wrong time, but he tries. He loves me. He wants me. He married me. He made 7 babies with me. He comes home every night when he isn't out of town. He stays with me even when I don't make sense or are very nice at time. He doesn't judge, he just loves!
Ok. I am done....I am tired... And I am losing focus....So I am done for now....
Enjoy,
Christi
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I'll cry if I want too, and it's not all about you!
I thought I was done venting with my other post. But I don't think I am.
It hurts to know that when I lost Isaac and Sweet Pea people made it about them. Friends that were pregnant (NOT ALL OF THEM, but most of them) made it all about them. When I asked for space they made me feel bad. Along with those friends, just people in general, made me feel like I was resenting them. Made me feel like I should just suck it up and get over it.
I hated it. I never once resented my friends that were pregnant! It killed me to see them or any pregnant women for that matter because it reminded me of WHAT I LOST. Not what they had. I didn't want their baby. I didn't want to be them, nor would I ever! I wanted what I LOST! I wanted MY BABIES! I wanted my HAPPY ENDING.
I had someone write a blog post all about how my lose hurt her feelings because I asked for space. Oh my, it was bad. I got accused of resenting her and her baby. It hurt so much! She made it all about her. She never took the time to think about how she was acting or treating me was hurting me. She did this quite a few times when I was pregnant too. And throughout our friendship. She would treat me like crap. She's call me and yell at me or tell me what I was doing was wrong. Thing is she'd do the same thing down the road, and then it would be ok. We never did anything other than talk on the phone. And when she got pregnant the last time, she never bothered to tell me before she announced it to the world. And normally that would be fine. Thing is she knew we were trying to get pregnant again. We had been trying for 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. We'd ask each other often if they other was pregnant, and she lied to me many times. She even lied to my face when I was pretty sure she was. She never apologized for the pain it caused. It hurt allot. She claims the last 4 babies were "surprises". Not so sure about that. But it's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that God will take care of her when she gets to Heaven.
She isn't the only one. I have lots of people just blow me off since I lost my babies. They ignore me and pretend it didn't happen or that they don't know me. They just expect me to just move on and pretend I am ok. They think because we have 5 living children that I should just be happy. Thing is most of them have never been through a loss, they have NO IDEA what it feels like. Ugg. I hate living in the freaking town. I hate it so much! I wish I could just get up and move. Move somewhere people really care about you. Because here they don't! They don't care about me. If we moved away, they wouldn't miss us. They'd probably throw a party for themselves that they finally made us leave. Yes, that is how I really feel.
Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that really care. They email me, text me, and call me. They love me for me. And they reach out to support me. They love me and don't expect me to just be happy. Thing is their busy, and I don't get to hang out with them often. Everyone has a life, some happier than others.
I don't wish for what others have. I don't want a bigger house because so and so has one. I dont' want a boat or car or this or that, just because someone else has it. Because if you really look at their life and what they are hiding behind. You'll see they are just like everyone else. Their kids have issues, just like yours. Sometime they use those "things" to hide how bad their kids really are. They have fights with their husbands like everyone else. And they use those "things" to hide the fact that their husband is cheating and they don't want to be embarrassed, so they hide it. They have debt like everyone else, some more than others. They use the credit cards to buy happiness to hide the sadness and loneliness in their lives. Most people use the "things" they have in their life to hide behind. I don't want to become one of them! I don't want things to make me feel better!
I have things that I pray for. I would love a bigger house, NOT because it makes me a better person. Or because others have it. We would love a bigger house, because our family is getting to big for our small house. But it will happen in God's Time. Just like if we're meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's time. But it doesn't mean I can't pray about them. I do almost every day. I know God has a beautiful house for us. Just don't know when it will happen. I pray for a long marriage! I pray that God will continue to keep us together and always looking towards Him, putting God 1st. I pray that God will continue to help me daily see the blessing He has blessed me with.
I have never and will never resent a women or friend that is pregnant. Does it make me sad and hurt to see them, yes, And it probably will forever, unless we have another healthy baby sometime. But does that mean that I want what they have? NO! I don't want what they have. I want my own baby. I want a baby growing in my belly. I want to feel my baby moving and turning. I don't want what they have. That's their baby. I don't want their baby. I want my own baby.
But it does mean, that I will not put myself in a situation where I have to be around them, see them, or see their "updates" on fb (they get hidden). I don't feel bad about it and I shouldn't. It hurts to see them or anyone pregnant, because it brings the pain back again from losing Isaac and Sweet Pea. I hate that people don't even think about what they are doing or do and how it can hurt or affect those around them that have lost a baby. If you know someone that has lost a baby, and you find out your pregnant, you should tell that person before you announce it to the world. Because otherwise, your causing them pain. But telling them person to person, or over the phone if you live too far away, you show them respect and like their feelings matter and that you value their friendship. Otherwise, you not telling them in person or calling them, your showing them you could careless about their loss or the pain your causing. Sending a fb message isn't ok. It's not personal and is just as hurtful.
Ok. I am done. I know this probably is just a bunch of rambling. And doesn't make allot of sense. But this is my blog, and it's how I feel. I don't make excuses for how I feel. Life just sucks sometimes!
Christi
It hurts to know that when I lost Isaac and Sweet Pea people made it about them. Friends that were pregnant (NOT ALL OF THEM, but most of them) made it all about them. When I asked for space they made me feel bad. Along with those friends, just people in general, made me feel like I was resenting them. Made me feel like I should just suck it up and get over it.
I hated it. I never once resented my friends that were pregnant! It killed me to see them or any pregnant women for that matter because it reminded me of WHAT I LOST. Not what they had. I didn't want their baby. I didn't want to be them, nor would I ever! I wanted what I LOST! I wanted MY BABIES! I wanted my HAPPY ENDING.
I had someone write a blog post all about how my lose hurt her feelings because I asked for space. Oh my, it was bad. I got accused of resenting her and her baby. It hurt so much! She made it all about her. She never took the time to think about how she was acting or treating me was hurting me. She did this quite a few times when I was pregnant too. And throughout our friendship. She would treat me like crap. She's call me and yell at me or tell me what I was doing was wrong. Thing is she'd do the same thing down the road, and then it would be ok. We never did anything other than talk on the phone. And when she got pregnant the last time, she never bothered to tell me before she announced it to the world. And normally that would be fine. Thing is she knew we were trying to get pregnant again. We had been trying for 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. We'd ask each other often if they other was pregnant, and she lied to me many times. She even lied to my face when I was pretty sure she was. She never apologized for the pain it caused. It hurt allot. She claims the last 4 babies were "surprises". Not so sure about that. But it's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that God will take care of her when she gets to Heaven.
She isn't the only one. I have lots of people just blow me off since I lost my babies. They ignore me and pretend it didn't happen or that they don't know me. They just expect me to just move on and pretend I am ok. They think because we have 5 living children that I should just be happy. Thing is most of them have never been through a loss, they have NO IDEA what it feels like. Ugg. I hate living in the freaking town. I hate it so much! I wish I could just get up and move. Move somewhere people really care about you. Because here they don't! They don't care about me. If we moved away, they wouldn't miss us. They'd probably throw a party for themselves that they finally made us leave. Yes, that is how I really feel.
Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that really care. They email me, text me, and call me. They love me for me. And they reach out to support me. They love me and don't expect me to just be happy. Thing is their busy, and I don't get to hang out with them often. Everyone has a life, some happier than others.
I don't wish for what others have. I don't want a bigger house because so and so has one. I dont' want a boat or car or this or that, just because someone else has it. Because if you really look at their life and what they are hiding behind. You'll see they are just like everyone else. Their kids have issues, just like yours. Sometime they use those "things" to hide how bad their kids really are. They have fights with their husbands like everyone else. And they use those "things" to hide the fact that their husband is cheating and they don't want to be embarrassed, so they hide it. They have debt like everyone else, some more than others. They use the credit cards to buy happiness to hide the sadness and loneliness in their lives. Most people use the "things" they have in their life to hide behind. I don't want to become one of them! I don't want things to make me feel better!
I have things that I pray for. I would love a bigger house, NOT because it makes me a better person. Or because others have it. We would love a bigger house, because our family is getting to big for our small house. But it will happen in God's Time. Just like if we're meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's time. But it doesn't mean I can't pray about them. I do almost every day. I know God has a beautiful house for us. Just don't know when it will happen. I pray for a long marriage! I pray that God will continue to keep us together and always looking towards Him, putting God 1st. I pray that God will continue to help me daily see the blessing He has blessed me with.
I have never and will never resent a women or friend that is pregnant. Does it make me sad and hurt to see them, yes, And it probably will forever, unless we have another healthy baby sometime. But does that mean that I want what they have? NO! I don't want what they have. I want my own baby. I want a baby growing in my belly. I want to feel my baby moving and turning. I don't want what they have. That's their baby. I don't want their baby. I want my own baby.
But it does mean, that I will not put myself in a situation where I have to be around them, see them, or see their "updates" on fb (they get hidden). I don't feel bad about it and I shouldn't. It hurts to see them or anyone pregnant, because it brings the pain back again from losing Isaac and Sweet Pea. I hate that people don't even think about what they are doing or do and how it can hurt or affect those around them that have lost a baby. If you know someone that has lost a baby, and you find out your pregnant, you should tell that person before you announce it to the world. Because otherwise, your causing them pain. But telling them person to person, or over the phone if you live too far away, you show them respect and like their feelings matter and that you value their friendship. Otherwise, you not telling them in person or calling them, your showing them you could careless about their loss or the pain your causing. Sending a fb message isn't ok. It's not personal and is just as hurtful.
Ok. I am done. I know this probably is just a bunch of rambling. And doesn't make allot of sense. But this is my blog, and it's how I feel. I don't make excuses for how I feel. Life just sucks sometimes!
Christi
Monday, September 3, 2012
Missing You and a Vent
I've been missing my babies so very much lately. I think part of it is because my other babies have gone to school and my house it too quiet. If we hadn't lost my babies, I'd have a little one at home. And I think knowing that makes the quiet so hard.
And then each month, that we don't get pregnant makes my heart break. I have been trying to convince myself each month and I'm not pregnant and just remind myself that Aunt Flow will be here soon, so when she does, it doesn't hurt so much when it comes. And I think that if it ever comes to be that we do get pregnant, that it will be a shock. I have gotten better about not completely breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. I still cry and have a down day. But it doesn't last as long as it used to.
I went outside today, while hubby was getting the kids ready for bed, and just sat on the back deck looking at Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I just sat and looked at the tree. I just kept talking to them. Telling them how much I missed them and love them. I love knowing that they can hear me, and I wanna believe that they can see me too. I wish I could see them in my dreams. That God would give me a glimpse of them. I wish I could have some pictures to hold. But I have nothing of them. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful hankies from Lil Angels Hankies. And a person I used to be friends with made me 2 burp clothes for them. And a sweet friend of mine, gave me a little baby doll that is about the size Isaac was when he passed away. I have several things that I was given after I lost my babies. But what I wouldn't give to have something they touched or a picture. Ya know.
I have learned to try and work my schedule around nothing seeing those people I don't want to see. I pray when I know I'll be going somewhere I might see "those" people I want to avoid. And so far God has blessed me with not seeing them. It hurts so much to see those people. They have hurt me so much, and it is easier to work through the pain without seeing them. I think knowing that they have just gone on with their lives and don't care about the pain they've caused makes it harder. So I just have learned to pray. Ask God to keep them out of my life, and that he will continue to help me forgive daily.
Since the kids have gone back to school, I haven't left the house much. I have slept allot (didn't realize how tired I really was), cleaning my house and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore and giving it to Good Will. We also went grocery shopping, was really weired to do it without any kids. I also got to eat lunch with my baby on his 5th Birthday. Then I stayed to eat lunch with my daughter since they are at the same school. I had a great time, but I hate the feeling of "being the "out cast" at my kids schools. It seems like people just look at me that say to themselves, "oh she's the person no one likes here". It is probably in my head, but you know that "look" you get. Well, it's the look I get. Which is probably why I tend to stay away from their schools. Some of those people are just down right rude and mean.
I had a dream the other night, that someone I used to be friends with was pregnant with her 7th baby. She is the one I had to ask for space after I lost my Isaac. We were both pregnant with our 6th child and I just needed space. I needed space from everyone that was pregnant at that time, heck even know I need space from those that are pregnant. It was harder with her, because she took it personal and used it to make things all about her. Well, I have come to the conclusion, that she probably will have another baby sometime. And I just don't care. What they do it there business and how they afford their babies is there problem not mine. I don't have to talk to her, see her, or be apart of her life. And at this point, I am not sure I will ever want to be. She hurt me so bad, to the point that is makes me sick to think of having to be around her. And trust me she isn't the only one. There are many people in my small town that have hurt me so very much. Which is why I tend to stay away from actives here in town. I hate having to be around those people.
My daughter is starting next week to take gymnastic class. And thankfully, I don't think any of those people I don't want to be around will have kids in her class, But I think their kids will be taking classes at the same time my daughter will be taking hers. So I have a feeling I will be seeing them each week. And I tell you what,, it is making me sick to my stomach to think of having to see these high school acting witches each week. Ugg. I'm praying God will make it work out where I don't ever have to see any of them!
Ok. I think I am done venting.
Christi
And then each month, that we don't get pregnant makes my heart break. I have been trying to convince myself each month and I'm not pregnant and just remind myself that Aunt Flow will be here soon, so when she does, it doesn't hurt so much when it comes. And I think that if it ever comes to be that we do get pregnant, that it will be a shock. I have gotten better about not completely breaking down when Aunt Flow comes. I still cry and have a down day. But it doesn't last as long as it used to.
I went outside today, while hubby was getting the kids ready for bed, and just sat on the back deck looking at Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree. I just sat and looked at the tree. I just kept talking to them. Telling them how much I missed them and love them. I love knowing that they can hear me, and I wanna believe that they can see me too. I wish I could see them in my dreams. That God would give me a glimpse of them. I wish I could have some pictures to hold. But I have nothing of them. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful hankies from Lil Angels Hankies. And a person I used to be friends with made me 2 burp clothes for them. And a sweet friend of mine, gave me a little baby doll that is about the size Isaac was when he passed away. I have several things that I was given after I lost my babies. But what I wouldn't give to have something they touched or a picture. Ya know.
I have learned to try and work my schedule around nothing seeing those people I don't want to see. I pray when I know I'll be going somewhere I might see "those" people I want to avoid. And so far God has blessed me with not seeing them. It hurts so much to see those people. They have hurt me so much, and it is easier to work through the pain without seeing them. I think knowing that they have just gone on with their lives and don't care about the pain they've caused makes it harder. So I just have learned to pray. Ask God to keep them out of my life, and that he will continue to help me forgive daily.
Since the kids have gone back to school, I haven't left the house much. I have slept allot (didn't realize how tired I really was), cleaning my house and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore and giving it to Good Will. We also went grocery shopping, was really weired to do it without any kids. I also got to eat lunch with my baby on his 5th Birthday. Then I stayed to eat lunch with my daughter since they are at the same school. I had a great time, but I hate the feeling of "being the "out cast" at my kids schools. It seems like people just look at me that say to themselves, "oh she's the person no one likes here". It is probably in my head, but you know that "look" you get. Well, it's the look I get. Which is probably why I tend to stay away from their schools. Some of those people are just down right rude and mean.
I had a dream the other night, that someone I used to be friends with was pregnant with her 7th baby. She is the one I had to ask for space after I lost my Isaac. We were both pregnant with our 6th child and I just needed space. I needed space from everyone that was pregnant at that time, heck even know I need space from those that are pregnant. It was harder with her, because she took it personal and used it to make things all about her. Well, I have come to the conclusion, that she probably will have another baby sometime. And I just don't care. What they do it there business and how they afford their babies is there problem not mine. I don't have to talk to her, see her, or be apart of her life. And at this point, I am not sure I will ever want to be. She hurt me so bad, to the point that is makes me sick to think of having to be around her. And trust me she isn't the only one. There are many people in my small town that have hurt me so very much. Which is why I tend to stay away from actives here in town. I hate having to be around those people.
My daughter is starting next week to take gymnastic class. And thankfully, I don't think any of those people I don't want to be around will have kids in her class, But I think their kids will be taking classes at the same time my daughter will be taking hers. So I have a feeling I will be seeing them each week. And I tell you what,, it is making me sick to my stomach to think of having to see these high school acting witches each week. Ugg. I'm praying God will make it work out where I don't ever have to see any of them!
Ok. I think I am done venting.
Christi
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The School Year Has Started
Yesterday was my 5 Earth Blessing 1st day of the new school year. It was a tough day and I knew it would be.
My youngest started Kindergarten. And I miss him. If I hadn't had both my loses I would have a baby at home with me. So it's just another reminder of what I have lost. My house is so quiet and empty. I miss my kids. I don't miss the fighting and arguing. But I miss the hugs and kisses.
I have spent most of the last 2 day's sleeping. I think my body is just wore out and a bit sad. I know it may take another week or 2 to get adjusted to my "New Normal". So I am enjoying the sleep, since I don't sleep well at night anymore. It helps me catch back up a bit.
I asked my baby if he had a good time at school. He said yes. I asked if he missed me, he said no. I was a little sad. But I know he does. but is just really loving school right now. And for that I am glad. I was really afraid that he would have a meltdown and not want to leave. I was afraid he would cry so much as school that they would call me to come and get him.
But instead he is doing great. He came home yesterday and said. I didn't get in trouble today. I said that is good! He also told me he got chocolate milk at lunch. I asked why (they were all told not to get anything from school for breakfast or lunch since they bring their lunch and eat breakfast at home). He said he was thirsty. I asked why he didn't bring his water. He said they wouldn't let him bring his backpack with him. So he couldn't take his water. Silly boy, he thought because his water was in the pocket of his backpack that he had to take his backpack with him to lunch. So I had to explain to his to take his water bottle out of his backpack and take it to lunch with his lunchbox. So I am hoping today goes better.
My daughter said she had a good day. She got to bring her "Big Reader" book home and looked reading it. She actually had homework. I was a little surprised. But it is what it is. We worked on spelling words. She had a melt down. And we worked through it and got it done.
My twins flipped out when I told them they were going to practice their spelling words. They won't take a test until a week from Friday, but I told them they were going to practice now. That didn't go well. But we got it done.
And my oldest didn't have any homework, but he did read for about 15 minutes. Just to have something to do. He is also grounded from TV until Friday because of a bad attitude this morning. I wasn't going to take any more of it. So he is now grounded.
I had my support group for baby loss yesterday. I have missed the past 2 months so it was so good to go back. There were some new ladies and a few I have already met. It is always hard to see the fresh pain. Pain that is so real and so tough. But I am glad there is a group like this for women like me. So that we know we're not allow.
It now has been 10 months since I lost Sweet Pea. It's hard because I think with it being my 2nd loss and wasn't as long as Isaac. Many people just tend to forget him. They forget that I had a second loss. Heck most people have forgotten Isaac too. Why would they remember Sweet Pea?? I have to remind myself and others. I am still grieving. It hasn't been a year yet. I still have the right to have up and down days. Most days are good. But I still have tough days. I miss my Sweet Pea just as much as I do Isaac. It may have been harder to lose Isaac, because he was our 1st loss and so new to us. But losing Sweet Pea killed me too. I just knew what to expect with it just being 13 1/2 weeks after I lost Isaac.
I am hoping to do a small party for Sweet Pea like we did for Isaac. It just makes it a bit harder, because it will fall on a school night. It actually falls on the day my daughter will have dance class. So my hubby will be taking her that day. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I know I will not do good.
So I guess that is it for now. I will add some pictures from Isaac's party soon. Just have a few other things I need to do 1st.
Christi
My youngest started Kindergarten. And I miss him. If I hadn't had both my loses I would have a baby at home with me. So it's just another reminder of what I have lost. My house is so quiet and empty. I miss my kids. I don't miss the fighting and arguing. But I miss the hugs and kisses.
I have spent most of the last 2 day's sleeping. I think my body is just wore out and a bit sad. I know it may take another week or 2 to get adjusted to my "New Normal". So I am enjoying the sleep, since I don't sleep well at night anymore. It helps me catch back up a bit.
I asked my baby if he had a good time at school. He said yes. I asked if he missed me, he said no. I was a little sad. But I know he does. but is just really loving school right now. And for that I am glad. I was really afraid that he would have a meltdown and not want to leave. I was afraid he would cry so much as school that they would call me to come and get him.
But instead he is doing great. He came home yesterday and said. I didn't get in trouble today. I said that is good! He also told me he got chocolate milk at lunch. I asked why (they were all told not to get anything from school for breakfast or lunch since they bring their lunch and eat breakfast at home). He said he was thirsty. I asked why he didn't bring his water. He said they wouldn't let him bring his backpack with him. So he couldn't take his water. Silly boy, he thought because his water was in the pocket of his backpack that he had to take his backpack with him to lunch. So I had to explain to his to take his water bottle out of his backpack and take it to lunch with his lunchbox. So I am hoping today goes better.
My daughter said she had a good day. She got to bring her "Big Reader" book home and looked reading it. She actually had homework. I was a little surprised. But it is what it is. We worked on spelling words. She had a melt down. And we worked through it and got it done.
My twins flipped out when I told them they were going to practice their spelling words. They won't take a test until a week from Friday, but I told them they were going to practice now. That didn't go well. But we got it done.
And my oldest didn't have any homework, but he did read for about 15 minutes. Just to have something to do. He is also grounded from TV until Friday because of a bad attitude this morning. I wasn't going to take any more of it. So he is now grounded.
I had my support group for baby loss yesterday. I have missed the past 2 months so it was so good to go back. There were some new ladies and a few I have already met. It is always hard to see the fresh pain. Pain that is so real and so tough. But I am glad there is a group like this for women like me. So that we know we're not allow.
It now has been 10 months since I lost Sweet Pea. It's hard because I think with it being my 2nd loss and wasn't as long as Isaac. Many people just tend to forget him. They forget that I had a second loss. Heck most people have forgotten Isaac too. Why would they remember Sweet Pea?? I have to remind myself and others. I am still grieving. It hasn't been a year yet. I still have the right to have up and down days. Most days are good. But I still have tough days. I miss my Sweet Pea just as much as I do Isaac. It may have been harder to lose Isaac, because he was our 1st loss and so new to us. But losing Sweet Pea killed me too. I just knew what to expect with it just being 13 1/2 weeks after I lost Isaac.
I am hoping to do a small party for Sweet Pea like we did for Isaac. It just makes it a bit harder, because it will fall on a school night. It actually falls on the day my daughter will have dance class. So my hubby will be taking her that day. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I know I will not do good.
So I guess that is it for now. I will add some pictures from Isaac's party soon. Just have a few other things I need to do 1st.
Christi
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven
Today is Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. Today we celebrate and we cried. We remembered where we were 1 year ago and how far we have come. We let go balloons with pictures from the kids and letters of love and sadness for Isaac. We let them go one by one and watched them until we could no longer see them.
We stood around Isaac's and Sweet Pea's tree. We said a prayer and told Isaac how much we loved him. We had each kid one at a time let go of their balloons. We had to tie 2 balloons together because the paper we had the kids draw on was too heavy for just one balloon. Thankfully I had gotten a tank after talking to a friend. Otherwise this would have broken my heart. But God knew it would happen and told me to get the tank.
Our friends Steven and Deanna and their sweet youngest daughter Isabelle came for the party tonight. Steven took pictures for us. And I can't wait to see them. They will be forever cherished! Having Isabelle there actually helped me, as I figured it would. She gave me someone to hold and helped me feel relaxed. She has helped me more than she will ever realize. I got to hold her when I was ready after I lost Sweet Pea. I got to love on her and hold her while she slept. Her mommy and daddy let me stay all day and just love on her and heal. Holding her didn't take away the pain of losing Isaac and Sweet Pea, but it gave me empty arms someone to hold even for a few hours. She has been a huge part of healing as her Mommy and Daddy!
They have been there to support me and love on me. They are truly Godly People and a blessing to myself and my family!
My Sweet Friend Chaunnessey also came this morning. She wasn't able to come tonight so she came this morning to hug me and love on me for a few minutes. And considering she lives over an hour away from me, and still came means the world to me. She understands the pain I feel. She's been in my shoes. She give me love and support and helps me when I feel like I can't keep going. She is there for me when I need to talk and sends me emails to let me know she is thinking about me and praying for me.
I want to share the email me send me yesterday:
"I know that precious little man is watching over you right now. Just know he loves his mama very much ad is waiting for you one day. I love you my sweet friend just know your loved and supported. You have the most precious gift of all two sweet beautiful angels holding you and loving you."
It made me cry and smile all at the same time! Just to know someone understood and still remembers means so much!
Our friends Deanna and Steven that came tonight, got us a card. They each wrote something for us and Isaac. Deanna also crocheted us a small stocking for Isaac. It has a small "I" on it. I love it!! I am going to hang it on the Christmas Tree when Christmas comes around. And until then, I will keep it safe in the place I put all Isaac's and Sweet Pea's special stuff. One day, I will get a box for them. Just not up to it yet. I also, still need to get their sonogram picture blown up and hung on the wall with the other kids baby pictures. She said that she'll make one for Sweet Pea as well for his Birthday.
I am not sure why it is so hard to get a box or blow up their pictures. I think part of it is time, with the kids home it makes it hard to get out. And part of it is just the pain and seeing the pictures again. I will one day too it, I know.
Anyways, it has been a very long day. And I am glad it is over. We have come a long way from 1 year ago. I have healed allot and still have a long ways to go. I am sure one day seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant women won't make me wanna cry and have a panic attack. One day I am sure :/
Thank you for coming along with me on this journey.
Christi
We stood around Isaac's and Sweet Pea's tree. We said a prayer and told Isaac how much we loved him. We had each kid one at a time let go of their balloons. We had to tie 2 balloons together because the paper we had the kids draw on was too heavy for just one balloon. Thankfully I had gotten a tank after talking to a friend. Otherwise this would have broken my heart. But God knew it would happen and told me to get the tank.
Our friends Steven and Deanna and their sweet youngest daughter Isabelle came for the party tonight. Steven took pictures for us. And I can't wait to see them. They will be forever cherished! Having Isabelle there actually helped me, as I figured it would. She gave me someone to hold and helped me feel relaxed. She has helped me more than she will ever realize. I got to hold her when I was ready after I lost Sweet Pea. I got to love on her and hold her while she slept. Her mommy and daddy let me stay all day and just love on her and heal. Holding her didn't take away the pain of losing Isaac and Sweet Pea, but it gave me empty arms someone to hold even for a few hours. She has been a huge part of healing as her Mommy and Daddy!
They have been there to support me and love on me. They are truly Godly People and a blessing to myself and my family!
My Sweet Friend Chaunnessey also came this morning. She wasn't able to come tonight so she came this morning to hug me and love on me for a few minutes. And considering she lives over an hour away from me, and still came means the world to me. She understands the pain I feel. She's been in my shoes. She give me love and support and helps me when I feel like I can't keep going. She is there for me when I need to talk and sends me emails to let me know she is thinking about me and praying for me.
I want to share the email me send me yesterday:
"I know that precious little man is watching over you right now. Just know he loves his mama very much ad is waiting for you one day. I love you my sweet friend just know your loved and supported. You have the most precious gift of all two sweet beautiful angels holding you and loving you."
It made me cry and smile all at the same time! Just to know someone understood and still remembers means so much!
Our friends Deanna and Steven that came tonight, got us a card. They each wrote something for us and Isaac. Deanna also crocheted us a small stocking for Isaac. It has a small "I" on it. I love it!! I am going to hang it on the Christmas Tree when Christmas comes around. And until then, I will keep it safe in the place I put all Isaac's and Sweet Pea's special stuff. One day, I will get a box for them. Just not up to it yet. I also, still need to get their sonogram picture blown up and hung on the wall with the other kids baby pictures. She said that she'll make one for Sweet Pea as well for his Birthday.
I am not sure why it is so hard to get a box or blow up their pictures. I think part of it is time, with the kids home it makes it hard to get out. And part of it is just the pain and seeing the pictures again. I will one day too it, I know.
Anyways, it has been a very long day. And I am glad it is over. We have come a long way from 1 year ago. I have healed allot and still have a long ways to go. I am sure one day seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant women won't make me wanna cry and have a panic attack. One day I am sure :/
Thank you for coming along with me on this journey.
Christi
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
1 Year Ago... My Life Forever Changed
One year ago my world came crashing down. I went to my 15 1/2 week prenatal check up. I was so excited because the bleeding, spotting and discharge had finally stopped. I had thought finally this pregnancy was going to be ok and I was going to have a healthy baby in about 5 months.
But instead my world was turned upside down. The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it. I wasn't scared at this point. This had happened once before with one of my other kids. And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.
It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there. So the doctor did the sonogram. Again I wasn't worried at this point. I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's.
So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat. My Sweet Baby had died. I didn't realize it at 1st. After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat." I asked the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?" He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't. All you hear was the beep...... Like you do when someone flat lines. It was the worse sound a mama can hear.
He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone. I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone. He didn't understand and was in shock. We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go. They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion. While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me. He was in shock and didn't know what to do. He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there. I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it. He asked me, weren't you half way there. I said yes, but it can still happen. There was no heart beat and our baby had died. He was crying and I was crying. Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end. They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit. I was still crying and trying to keep it together. I was hoping for a miracle. I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.
They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed. I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle. He did, just not the way I was hoping. They finally brought me back into the sonogram room. They found the baby but again no heart beat. Our baby was indeed gone. They figured he had passed about 1 week before. I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive. They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there. So they sent me back upstairs.
I sat in the room and waited for my doctor. He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out. I wasn't given allot of opinions. Pretty much told we had to do a d&c. Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me. It is NOT what I wanted. But I agreed to it. We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with). So we scheduled my d&c for Friday. He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out. He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix. It is suppose to help your cervix dilate. So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there, And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!! I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.
I left the office as a different person than when I came in. I would never and will never be the same person. I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.
I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home. So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house. My husband was there working. So I parked the car and got out. My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me. We both cried and just stood there and held each other. We finally made our way into the house. We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say. I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.
We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do. He said he'd talk to the kids. We still weren't sure what we would tell them. So we finally got it together enough and drove home. I went into the room to get myself together and change. We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch. Our 5th was still at church camp. He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday. After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away. It was really basic and we didn't go into depth. Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say. And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.
My kids lost their innocent that night. They lost their baby brother. They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home. They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven. They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this.
I didn't sleep that night. I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby. It just didn't make sense. The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp. I couldn't go out of the house. Thankfully she was glad to help. She dropped him off later that afternoon. And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong. I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him. He cried and I cried. He was forever changed that day. He grew up that day. He became a young man that day. He held me and cried and I held him and cried.
I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods. At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot. I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own. I didn't want the d&c. I didn't want my baby to be ripped away. I wanted to have my baby my whole baby. So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.
They sent me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect. They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies. It was so sad and I was just crying. I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby. My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.
I was told to go home and rest. I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c. Again I was still praying for a miracle. I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor. I had everyone I had talked to, to pray. My heart was breaking. I was sad. I felt alone. I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them. And to this day, I still do. I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive. I don't need more drama.
Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up to go potty. I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable. My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so. I was still cramping and in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water. She told me "your in labor". I was in shock. I had never been in labor before. But it was a true miracle.. My body was doing what it needed to do. What I wanted it to do.
I called my doctor and talked to the nurse. They told me to come in right away. Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER. My husband met us there. They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D). They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine. My contractions were coming every minute. It was the most intense pain I had every been in. But it was another miracle.
Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel. I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away. They never even told me they took him. They just cut his cord and took him away. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get any pictures. But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.
My miracles:
1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life
What I went through was hell. And it isn't fair. It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not. I don't wish what I went through on anyone. I didn't ask to lose Isaac. But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon. We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me. They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me. And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.
A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone. That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby. You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have. But yet God still gives them kids. And here we are. We wanted Isaac so much. We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea. But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.
I know God has plan. He has brought us through this 1st year. He had carried me most days. I couldn't breath without God giving it to me. I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me. I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others. I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory. I am who I am because of God. I am where I am because of God.
This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body. We will be having a small party. We have asked a few close friends to come and join us. We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes. I want to put a candle on each cupcake. I want each person to either say a wish or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out. We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon. We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday. I love him so much!! I miss him so much!! But I am grateful to know where He is. He is in Heaven. He is safe and in no pain. He has God and Jesus to keep him safe. He has so much family and a brother in Heaven.
God will call me home when he is ready. And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing and my husband. I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.
Well, this is my story. This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life. A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!
Christi
But instead my world was turned upside down. The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it. I wasn't scared at this point. This had happened once before with one of my other kids. And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.
It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there. So the doctor did the sonogram. Again I wasn't worried at this point. I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's.
So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat. My Sweet Baby had died. I didn't realize it at 1st. After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat." I asked the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?" He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't. All you hear was the beep...... Like you do when someone flat lines. It was the worse sound a mama can hear.
He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone. I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone. He didn't understand and was in shock. We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go. They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion. While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me. He was in shock and didn't know what to do. He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there. I kept telling him no. I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it. He asked me, weren't you half way there. I said yes, but it can still happen. There was no heart beat and our baby had died. He was crying and I was crying. Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end. They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit. I was still crying and trying to keep it together. I was hoping for a miracle. I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.
They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed. I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle. He did, just not the way I was hoping. They finally brought me back into the sonogram room. They found the baby but again no heart beat. Our baby was indeed gone. They figured he had passed about 1 week before. I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive. They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there. So they sent me back upstairs.
I sat in the room and waited for my doctor. He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out. I wasn't given allot of opinions. Pretty much told we had to do a d&c. Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me. It is NOT what I wanted. But I agreed to it. We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with). So we scheduled my d&c for Friday. He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out. He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix. It is suppose to help your cervix dilate. So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there, And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!! I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.
I left the office as a different person than when I came in. I would never and will never be the same person. I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.
I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home. So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house. My husband was there working. So I parked the car and got out. My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me. We both cried and just stood there and held each other. We finally made our way into the house. We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say. I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.
We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do. He said he'd talk to the kids. We still weren't sure what we would tell them. So we finally got it together enough and drove home. I went into the room to get myself together and change. We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch. Our 5th was still at church camp. He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday. After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away. It was really basic and we didn't go into depth. Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say. And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.
My kids lost their innocent that night. They lost their baby brother. They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home. They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven. They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this.
I didn't sleep that night. I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby. It just didn't make sense. The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp. I couldn't go out of the house. Thankfully she was glad to help. She dropped him off later that afternoon. And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong. I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him. He cried and I cried. He was forever changed that day. He grew up that day. He became a young man that day. He held me and cried and I held him and cried.
I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods. At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot. I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own. I didn't want the d&c. I didn't want my baby to be ripped away. I wanted to have my baby my whole baby. So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.
They sent me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect. They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies. It was so sad and I was just crying. I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby. My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.
I was told to go home and rest. I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c. Again I was still praying for a miracle. I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor. I had everyone I had talked to, to pray. My heart was breaking. I was sad. I felt alone. I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them. And to this day, I still do. I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive. I don't need more drama.
Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up to go potty. I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable. My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so. I was still cramping and in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water. She told me "your in labor". I was in shock. I had never been in labor before. But it was a true miracle.. My body was doing what it needed to do. What I wanted it to do.
I called my doctor and talked to the nurse. They told me to come in right away. Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER. My husband met us there. They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D). They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine. My contractions were coming every minute. It was the most intense pain I had every been in. But it was another miracle.
Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel. I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away. They never even told me they took him. They just cut his cord and took him away. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get any pictures. But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.
My miracles:
1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life
What I went through was hell. And it isn't fair. It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not. I don't wish what I went through on anyone. I didn't ask to lose Isaac. But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon. We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me. They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me. And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.
A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone. That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby. You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have. But yet God still gives them kids. And here we are. We wanted Isaac so much. We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea. But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.
I know God has plan. He has brought us through this 1st year. He had carried me most days. I couldn't breath without God giving it to me. I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me. I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others. I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory. I am who I am because of God. I am where I am because of God.
This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven. We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body. We will be having a small party. We have asked a few close friends to come and join us. We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes. I want to put a candle on each cupcake. I want each person to either say a wish or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out. We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon. We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday. I love him so much!! I miss him so much!! But I am grateful to know where He is. He is in Heaven. He is safe and in no pain. He has God and Jesus to keep him safe. He has so much family and a brother in Heaven.
God will call me home when he is ready. And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing and my husband. I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.
Well, this is my story. This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life. A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!
Christi
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