Once again.. not my month

Well, once again this isn't our month.  We won't be telling the world we're having a baby.  I won't see my belly growing.  I won't have the pee test show me 2 lines.   Once again, Aunt Flow has made her way into my life

I was expecting her last week.  I had the cramping and the emotional tears leading up to my monthly visitor.  And I expected to see her Friday.  But she didn't come.  I kept telling myself, don't get excited, you know she can come later and it's not un-normal.  So I kept waiting, and when I would like myself to go the thought I might be pregnant.  I would pray.  I would tell God I am trusting you.   I trust your Will above my own.  I kept repeating, I will love you no matter what happens.

So Friday passed, the weekend pasted, and I started to think maybe.  But I refuse to take a test until I was 40 days past my last period.  So Tuesday came and went, and I continued to pray.  Then Wednesday (this morning), I wiped and saw the spotting.  My heart stopped for a second.  Wiped again, and another spot.  So I knew what I was hoping not to come this month was coming.

I was in fact NOT pregnant.  I do not have a baby growing inside me.  I can't tell my husband, we're having another baby.  I can't look at my kids and tell them their prayers have been answered.  I get to go through another 7 - 10 days of Aunt Flow.  I go back to wondering if my body is even working.  Am I even ovulating?  I know I can go see my OB.  But I can't bring myself to walk into his office.  After losing 2 babies, walking into an office where you found out they both had died, is not the place you want to go back to.

So here I am.  Not sure what to do.  There are some homeopath things I can try.  And I might try them again.  They won't help me get pregnant, but they can help me start ovulating.  And maybe if I can ovulate, I might be able to get pregnant.  But again, it all goes back to what God wants.  If He wants me to get pregnant, it will happen.  But if it's not His Will it will never happen, no matter what I do or try.

But each month, I do get a little sad when Aunt Flow comes.  It doesn't help when everyone around you seems to be pregnant.  Makes me to just hide out for a while.  But I will continue to trust God and lean on Him when my heart hurts and my dreams don't come out the way I wish them to be.

Christi

10 Ways to Help Those Who Grieve

I am borrowing this from the same blog as the previous post.  So click here if you want to check out her blog.

 

 

10 Ways to Help Those Who Grieve

When a family has gone through a loss, whether it be the loss of a child, pet, parent, friend, co-worker or relative, people want to know how they can help. Here are a few practical ways you can get involved.

1. Give Them Space
Often, when one is left raw and hurting from loss, they need space to re-group and heal before entering back in to society. Knowing when to back off is a good skill to develop.

2. Be Understanding
Those who are grieving will have mood swings, being hermit-like one day and needing company the next. Be patient with the person and do not show any frustration with their seemingly unpredictable needs. Be flexible and go with the flow.

3. Don't Be Shocked
Oftentimes, a hurting person will say things they don't mean. If your friend or loved one drops a cuss word or two, don't panic. They are trying to process their thoughts and may only know how to express themselves through the crudest of language.

4. Clean Something
Mop the floors. Clean out the refrigerator. Fold the laundry. Do something practical. They may not ever notice what you did, but it will help. Trust me. Also, don't pepper them with questions on where things are or how they like things done. Use common sense. If the person asks you to do something or use something different, comply without an argument.

5. Talk/Listen
Those who have faced loss want to talk about their loved one. Ask them what dad's favorite TV show was, their plans they had for their baby, where Spot liked to go on a walk. There is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares about their loved one. Keep the memory alive and help find healing in meaningful conversation.

6. Send a Text
When our son passed away, a very dear friend took it upon herself to text me a verse from the Bible every morning. They were the first thing I read upon waking. I don't know how I would have gotten through the first month without those texts. If you or your friend/loved one is not religious, text them positive thoughts or kind words. They will be a healing balm.

7. Send Snail Mail
In a day where so much communication is done electronically, snail mail is a treat. Send those cards and notes as often as you can. Getting something in the mail may be their only bright spot in the day.

8. Bring Food
Food is very helpful in the days following a loss. Often, families are flooded with food at the very beginning, but within a few weeks they are back to trying to cook for themselves. Ask them about meals. If they have plenty of food, wait a few weeks or even a month before bringing a meal. Be sensitive about any food allergies or diet restrictions. Restaurant gift cards are also a nice idea. They don't have to cook (neither do you!) and they are able to get out of the house for a little while.

9. Take them Out
If your friend or loved one is starting to tread the dangerous waters of deep depression, becomes suicidal or refuses to see or talk to anyone for days on end, take them out. Get them out of the house, even if it's only for a ride to the other side of town and back. They may be upset with you at first, but they will thank you later.

10. Cry
Cry with those who have lost. Let them know that you, too are sad, that you hurt when they hurt, that you hurt because they hurt.

10 Things NOT to Say to a Grieving Parent

I am borrowing this from another blog that I read.  I asked permission to use it before I am posting it here.  She asked that I link this post back to her blog, and I was already going to do that.  So click here if you want to check out her blog. 

10 Things Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

Last week I posted a list of 10 things a person could do to help in a time of great loss. This week I am going to highlight a few things people should not say. I do understand that in a time of loss people feel like they are at a loss for words and want to make the person going through the grief feel better, but sometimes words can do more harm than good. A good rule of thumb to remember is that when you don't know what to say, it is probably best to remain silent. No words are better than potentially hurtful words.

1. "They are better off where they are."
True, but it does not ease the pain of knowing you no longer have your child in your arms.

2. "God wanted another flower in his garden."
My child is not some tulip sitting in a plot of dirt up in heaven. This phrase which is meant to comfort has no meaning whatsoever.

3. "It will be ok."
Yes, someday it will be ok, but not now. Don't try to comfort fresh grief with this phrase. It is like putting a Band-Aid® on an amputation.

4. "You're young, you can have more kids."
Not necessarily. Parents who just lost a child don't want imaginary future children, they want their baby, their precious baby who is no longer here. Also, it is not kind to give them false hope.

5. "Maybe you should have built up the immune system."
This is probably one of the most hurtful, for it insinuates that losing the child was somehow the parents fault, that if they had given them this and avoided that the child would still be here.

6. "I know how you feel."
This one is tricky. If you have lost a child, then yes, you can sympathize. If, however, you have not suffered any losses then you can not possibly understand how a grieving parent feels. Losing a child is a different kind of grief than losing a parent, sibling, friend, or relative. If you have gone through one of those losses, then you certainly can sympathize and help them through the stages of grief. Just be sensitive to the fact that there is a difference. The grief of losing another loved one is not less than losing a child, just different. Also, be prepared for the parent to lash out and say you can't possibly understand because you have not gone through what they are going through. Don't get angry or your feelings hurt, just understand that raw grief says things that a healed person might not say. See item number three on last weeks list, "don't be shocked."

7. "It's time to move on."
Never, and I repeat, never dictate to a parent when they should move on. Let them move at their own pace.

8. "Well, I guess God just wanted him/her more."
In our heart of hearts, we know that God loves our children even more than we do, but we love our children very much and when we are forced to give them up it is hard to see that.

9. "It's too bad you will never see them '_______'"
Yes, we know it's too bad. We don't need you to tell us how bad it is. Someday, when we are ready, we want to talk about the things our child could have or would have done, but not now. Not at the funeral.

10. "You have other children."
If the parents do have other children, those children will become even more dear to them, but they will never, I repeat, never take away the pain of someone missing, someone who won't be in any more family photos, who won't sit at the dinner table. Never try to replace the child with one of the siblings. They won't take his or her place, and we don't want them too.

I Will Wait on the Lord..

I am waiting, I am waiting on you, and I am hopeful. I am waiting on you Lord even though it is painful. But patiently I will wait. While I am waiting, I will serve you. While I am waiting I will worship. I will not grow faint while I wait on you oh Lord. I will trust you and love you no matter what. I am waiting and I am painful. I am waiting, though it isn't easy, I will wait.

I am chosing to wait on the Lord.  This is something I have to remind myself every day.  It is not something at this point that will just happen.  I need God each and every day to lead me and guide me.

I can do nothing without God!  I love my God no matter what!

Christi

I will.....

I will LOVE God even if I never have a rainbow baby. I will LOVE God even if I never get pregnant again. I will LOVE God even if I never feel another baby move inside me again. I will LOVE God no matter what doors He opens and what doors He closes. My love for God isn't based on my situation. It based on the fact that God loved me 1st and when I was still a sinner. He sent His son to die for me. I don't deserve His love or forgiveness. But I will praise Him through the good times and bad times. I will praise God even when my hearts desires aren't answered. At the end of the day, I want all that God has planned for me and not what I think I need.

Happy Birthday

Nine years ago today I experienced the worst c-section I have ever been through.  I was carrying twin boys and I couldn't go any longer.  I hurt so much and I know but didn't know then, that I had carpal tunnel in my fingers up to my elbows.   I couldn't move them or even change my son's diaper.  So at 37 weeks and 5 days we scheduled their c-section.

Well, I was in the L&D and just wanting for them to get ready.  They were told that someone was going to be going into the OR and they didn't want to wait any longer.  So they did my epidural and sent me to the OR.   Thing was I wasn't numb all the way.  When they started to cut me open, I started to feel it on my right side.  And it hurt.  It hurt worse than any other pain I have ever been through.  They couldn't believe at 1st that I was feeling it, and finally they knocked me out to finish delivering my sons.  They sent my husband out, which I didn't know until after I woke up.

I think I was out for over an hour or so before I woke up throwing up.  That is the 1st thing I remember, wonderful isn't it.  I hurt so much.  And I would hurt for over a month later.  It would burn so much I had to stop and just bend and kneel down.   When I finally was out of the fog, they told me the babies were fine and going good.  I had 1 strawberry blond headed baby and 1 darker brown headed baby.  Both were indeed boys.  They finally brought me by twins and I got to nurse and hold them for the 1st time.  I didn't nurse my oldest (another story), so this was my 1st time.  It took us about a 3 weeks to get the hang of it.  But I loved it.  I loved being able to feed my babies.

I remember just looking at them and thinking I have 2 babies.  I carried 2 babies.  And that God had a sense of humor.  They looked so peaceful and so beautiful.  The peace didn't last long, but thankfully for them and me they stayed cute.  Their 1st year or two wasn't easy.  They cried allot and didn't sleep good all the time.  I also had a not quite 19 month old when I had my twins.  I had little to no help during the day when my husband and mom were at work.  I ended up having post parrdum depression which I didn't know until I had my daughter 25 months later.  I often wonder how it would have been if I had know and gotten help.

Fast forward 9 years and here I am today.  Still a mother of twins.  I can't imagine not having my twins.  I can't imagine not seeing their faces each morning and their hugs and kisses throughout the day.  They have never really acted like "twins" and until recently they didn't even understand how being a twins really meant.  I think that is because they don't remember ever being just them.  They always had a big brother so close in age that it was like they were always together.  So they just acted like 3 brothers and not 1 brother and a set of twins.  We started to separate them around age 2 at church and preschool.  It worked well for the most part, but I missed having them together. 

When they started kindergarten I asked about putting them together, but was told no.  I chose not to fight it in 1st grade either.  But I did push for it in 2nd and requested them to be put in the same class.  I also requested the same 2nd grade teacher my older son had.  I was able to get both requests.  They got the same teacher as my oldest had and they were together.  I was nervous at first, but the teacher put me as ease when she assured me everything would be fine.  And she was right.  They did great together.  And it was so much easier to have "1" teacher than 2.  They didn't bother each other, they were never place by the other.  They didn't seem to mind the other was in the same class.  They actually I think liked it better being together.  I liked it better too.  So they are now in 3rd grade and still together.  They again have the same teacher my oldest had for 3rd grade.  And they are again doing well.   I plan to continue to keep them together as long as they want to be together and they don't bother the other.

So Happy Birthday my Sweet Twins!!

What to tell your kids...

I asked on Facebook about what to tell our kids and if to tell them at all about what happened on Friday.  I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted them to know.  But after talking to my husband and people commenting.  We decided to tell them.  We wanted to be the ones to tell them and not kids on the bus, at recess, or at lunch.

So we sat the 4 older ones down (5th grade to 1st grader) and talked to them.  Our youngest (kindergartner) we left out of the conversation.  We just felt like he was too young.  We sat them down and asked what they knew about Friday.  Unfortunately one of them had seen a couple of minutes from a news program before we knew what was going on.  So he knew more. 

They said there was a bad man that came into a school and shot kids and teachers.  They asked some questions about where the school was, and why they person would hurt kids.  We asked them who protects them at school?  They said God.  And we said your right.  God was right there with those kids and teachers.  We told them how the teacher helped save so many of those children by hiding them.  We used that to tell them, to make sure to listen to your teachers.  If something like this ever happens. please do as your teacher tells you.  We only answered the questions they asked.  And as boys they asked about the guns and such.  We just tried to be brief and not go into a lot of details.

I know there was more to our conversation, but I am sick right now.  And my brain isn't working well.  But basically we talked about putting your faith in God and not to worry about what might happen.  We told them something like this could happen anywhere to anyone.  And you have to be aware of what is happening around you.  You see something or hear something that makes you scared, you hide or find a teacher.  You don't try to be the hero right now.

This is what I posted on FB today:

Even before Friday, I have Faith in God to protect my children at school. Does that mean that I believe God will never let anything happen to them? No. What it means is that, I trust God to take care of them according to His Will. I know that no matter what happens, God will be there with my children.

What happened Friday gave us the opportunity to talk to our kids about the fact that we are NOT promised tomorrow. But what He does promise is that He will never let us go through it alone. He will be there to comfort us, hold us, and in the end take us up to Heaven when he calls us home.

We continue to pray for those families. For what those little kids saw, heard, and felt. We pray for the teachers that survived, protected their children, and those that lost their lives protecting the children. We need to live each day for what it is, a gift! Each day we have with our children is a gift. So cherish them!



Do I worry about my kids at school?  Sometimes.  All the time no.  Why?  Because I feel like God will keep harm from my kids at all times?  No.  Because I know all to well, that God calls children home far too early.  I have lost 2 babies before I ever got to hold them.  So I know that God doesn't promise us any tomorrow with any of our kids to family.  But I refuse to live my life in fear.  And that's why I told our kids.  You can't live your life in fear.  None of us our promised anything, so live your life each day to the fullest.  Live each day doing what God has called you to do and be grateful for what you have.  But I will never sit and just allow myself to think about all the awful things that can happen.  I have Faith that God will protect my children.  Even if that means protecting them to the point of taking them back to Heaven with Him.  I pray that I will have a lifetime with them before that ever happens.

My heart and prayers go out to the Families of Newtown.  May God continue to comfort you, heal you, and hold you all!!

My Healing Something Comes from Words

For as long as I can remember, God will sometimes put things on my heart in the form of words.  Sometime they are for me and other times they are meant for someone else.  I've learned that if I don't write them down right then, I lose them. The words that I heard are gone and when I try and write it later.  It's never the same.

Well, I felt it again the other day.  So I grabbed my phone and started typing.  As I typed I cried, because it was how I was feeling.  It's Christmas time and I miss my babies.  I didn't think it would be as hard as it was last year.  But I was wrong!  It's just as hard if not harder.  This would have been my babies 1st Christmas here on Earth.  But instead it's their 2nd Christmas with God.

So here is what I wrote.  My husband said it sound like 2 parts, so I will label them as such:

1st Part:

For those that have lost a baby, Christmas is never the same.

We try each year to be happy and joyful, but inside we miss them so.

We go about our day,
...

trying to be strong.

But God knows how much we hurt,
and will never truly be the same.

For those who have lost a baby,
will never have a Christmas with everyone near.

For someone is missing,
For me it's two.

Each Christmas, I think this will be easier then the one before.

And each Christmas, I find that it's just as hard as before.

For when my kids awake on Christmas morning, my heart asks where's the rest?

There are two that are missing,
Oh where did they go?

And I'm reminded that their with my Heavenly Father, Celebrating Christmas once again.

They celebrate with the One that started it all.

They have the honor of celebrating Jesus' Birthday with Him, each and every year.

But just once I wish, they could be here.

Just once to see them open the gift, they waited for all year.

Just once to see the surprise of the Tree and lights.

Just once to wish them a Merry Christmas without the tears falling from my eyes.

But this Christmas is no different, I miss them just the same.

I have two Angels missing Christmas with us this year. Both would have celebrated their 1st Christmas here on earth.

But instead they celebrate their 2nd with our King. They see what we do not.

The celebration of our Lord. They have the joy of spending Christmas with Jesus.

For my heart knows, they are much better up there.

It's doesn't stop the feeling that I miss them so very much.

My family will never be complete this side of Heaven. It will never be quite right.

For each year, there will be two missing so very dear to me.

So to Isaac and to Sweet Pea, I love you very much. Please know that my tears are so very very real. I love and miss you every single day. I thank God that I can call you my children, though I never held you once.

By: Christi Orme

 

 

 

 

2nd Part:

 

What do you think of this part? Should I add it with the 1st half? Or just leave the it with the 1st half?

What I'd give to see you just once, and hug you and kiss you until you laughed out loud. Just one day to see you run and play. 

But God called you home, so very very early. I am left to think and dream of the day, I see your faces.

Until I see you again, I will cherish your brothers and sister and hold so very dear. Because God could have taken them so very early, but blessed us with them instead.

Even though, the world has moved on, your names are less used, and your thought fades. Your Daddy and I will never forget. We will never stop loving you. Each Birthday and Christmas, that passes we miss you both so. We rejoice to know that you each have one another. We will miss you none the same.

For in this world, two babies were born. Straight to Heaven their souls did go. They joined the other children who left far too soon. And left parents mourning them as we. I've met so many so you see. So many just like me. We cry and miss you all. And will never be the same.

But in the end, that's all God's plan. He sent us Angels to make us who we are. We are forever changed because of you.

So as each Christmas and Birthday that comes and goes, we hold each other to make the pain easier to manage. For without them, I'd be a mess. Our stories might all be different, but in the end, there are the same.

So for each of you that have said goodbye far too soon. I pray God will bless you and hold you close this Christmas. Whether it's the 1st. Christmas or your 99th since you said goodbye. It hurts all the same, and just plain sucks.

Our Christmas Cards will always have someone missing and Christmas morning will never look just right.

Just remember we will never forget the pain you feel inside. For we've been there, and know it all to well. For when the world forgets, an Angel Mommy never does.

 

By: Christi Orme

 

For our Angels

 

I wanted to share this, because I know some of us are really hurting right now. And all of us are missing our Angels this Christmas Season!

I read this in a post today. It was very healing for me: I thought of you and closed my eyes an prayed to god today. I asked what makes a mother, and I know I hear him say: a mother has a baby, this we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replies, with confidence in his voice, I give many women babies, when thy leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this god, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you wha...

t your child is doing today, if you could see your child smile, with other children who say: we go to earth and learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay, I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one your child is ok. Your baby is here in my home, he will be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's a feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Happy 1st Birthday Sweet Pea

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Sweet Pea. Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you so much! I hope you and Isaac are having a blast hanging out with Jesus and all the other little ones up there. Please tell your Grandpa Jim, that his Isty Bisty loves him and misses him so very much!

Sweet Pea, you and Isaac have taught me so much! You have taught me to love more than I knew I could. You both have taug...

ht me to look past my own grieve and heartache, and see how I can help others. You both showed me that when others forget our Angels, that I need to remember! And through that came the Birthday Cards for Angels.

As much as it hurts, I thank God for the trials in my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without them. And I might not even be here if we didn't lose you both. You and Isaac saved my life and showed the doctors that I wasn't crazy and something really was wrong with my body.

Mommy will never forget! And Mommy will never stop loving you!

Happy Birthday my Son!

One Year Ago....

One year ago, my world was shaken for the second time in less than 15 weeks.

I will never forget that day. My daughter woke up throwing up. After I finally got her settled, I went to the bathroom. When I wiped I saw blood. My heart stopped. I was (so I thought about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant). And knew what it meant when I saw blood. We had lost another baby. I cried and was in shock. Not again, my d...

octor said it wouldn't happen again.

I went and told my husband right before he was walking out the door to go to work. He said he'd meet me at my doctors office in the morning, after I called and got an appointment. But thankfully he decided to work from home until we could get in. I'm glad because I didn't want to drive by myself.

So I called at 9am and they told me to come in. I was still bleeding lightly. And I was crying out to God, not to let this happen again. I remember getting on my knee's before we left and just praying that God would give us a miracle and that this baby would be alive and live.

We got to the doctor's office around 10:30ish. They brought us straight back and did the u/s. The poor lady had to tell us there was no heartbeat and that I was 7weeks and 1 day along. Farther than I thought, which meant we got pregnant about 5 weeks after our 1st loss.

They put me in my doctor's office to wait until we could talk to him. I just sat in there and cried. How could this be happening again? Why us twice? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me body?

We waited for like 30 minutes, I was upset that they made us wait like that. Of course he wanted to do an D&C right away, and I said no. That we would wait this time to allow my body to deliver the baby on it's own.

The doctor wasn't very happy at 1st, but then I reminded him that I had already had 3 D&C's in the past 10 years. Only 1 for a miscarriage (14 1/2 week before to get the placenta out after I delivered our 1st loss). And that I wasn't going to do that to my body again. So he told me what to expect and to call the office if I had any questions. And if I was concerned to come back in.

So we left, with only a picture of our sweet baby, and broken hearts and shaddered dreams again. I cried all the way home. I told my husband we needed to name this baby. That it isn't right not to give him/her a name. I said I feel like the baby is a boy, and that I wanted to name him Sweet Pea. So that is what we did.

We went home and I went to sleep. And hubby went to his mom's house to work. Thankfully my mom was there to take care of my daughter and my other kids when they got home from school.

The very next day, I delivered my 7th child in the bathtub. What my doctor said could take weeks, took 1 day. My body did what it was suppose to do.

So now a year later, I'm still sad at times (better than I was), I'm still grieving, and I miss my babies everyday. I've learned a lot about myself. My relationship with God has grown and be strengthen. I trust him more than I ever did before. God has shown me little by little why He allowed us to go through 2 losses.

God reminds me daily that my babies are safe and happy and that I will see them again.

My husband has grown. He's still sad at times, and I know he misses our babies even if he doesn't show it the same way.

I thank God for my trials. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have started this page, I wouldn't have started making baby blankets for mommies that have lost their babies, and I would have thought to send Birthday cards for parents for their Angel's Birthdays.

I have learned to use my trials and grieve for good. I was determined after my 1st loss to make something good come from my pain. And I plan to continue to do so. I've wanted to start a support group for miscarriages, baby loss, and infant loss at my church. I'm making an appointment to talk to the person in charge of the support groups again to get started on that. In our area, there are only 2 support groups. That makes me sick. That with all the people in this area, that there aren't more. Us mommies need that support, and if there isn't one close by, then by gosh I'm starting one!

So any ways, that's where I am today, I year later. I've gotten this far, only because of God's strength and love. He has given me a caring and supportive husband, and a handful of friends that love me and support me. Some of them have never been through a loss, but do their best to be there for me. And let me tell you, they've done a great job!

 

Enjoy,

Christi Orme

I need a Miracle

I heard a song on the radio this even. It was something about miracles and when life hits you so hard you can't stand, you ask for a miracle and so on.

Made me think back when I found out Isaac had pasted, I was upstairs waiting for a 2nd opinion, and I prayed and asked God for a miracle.

He told me (didn't hear it right then, but heard it tonight) "my child, my miracle was different than what your asking". He didn't let Isaac live, He let me live. The same thing happened with Sweet Pea. The morning I woke up bleeding, I fell to my knee's crying and asking God to let this baby be ok. Let this baby live. Please God don't let it happen again. But again he told me tonight ""my child, my miracle was different than what your asking". He didn't let Isaac live, He let me live.

He chose to let me live. He knew that losing 2 sweet babies far too soon is what the doctors needed to test me and find out something was wrong with my body. God's miracle saved my life. He saved me so that I could be the mother to my babies here.

Sometimes His miracles don't make sense. Sometimes they are the opposite of what we want. But they are always for a reason. We just have to be patience and let God show us in His time why it happened that way.

Here is that song

Enjoy,

Christi

Missing My Babies...

I miss my babies every day.  There is not a day that I don't think of my babies in some way.  So many things remind my of them.  Songs, places, people, and my own kids.

But one thing I have decided that I will not longer allow the things in my life to rule how I feel.  I will not allow the sight of a pregnant women to make me wanna run the other way and cry.  I will not allow newborn babies to turn my stomach upside down.  That doesn't mean it still won't hurt some or that I won't get choked up.  But I will not allow it to run my life.

I am happy for those momma's.  But that doesn't mean I need to be around them.  I don't need to put myself in situations where I will be around them for long.  Because that is still to hard.  But a brief walk by or simple hello isn't going to hurt me anymore.  I won't let it.  I won't let Satan use something so special to continue to hurt me. 

I still won't attend baby showers, not sure I will ever again.  That is something that I just can't do.  I am happy for those momma's.  But I just can't bring myself to do it.  I know that is something just too hard.  Brings back memories that are too painful.

See the weekend before I found out we lost Isaac.  A friend and I were talking about when and where would be a good time to have a baby shower.  We were so excited because I had stopped spotting and no more discharge.  I thought Isaac was going to be ok.  But instead the following day, I found out our Sweet Baby was gone.  His body still inside me, and his Soul was already in Heaven. 

We we went from planning a baby shower to telling family and our kids that our Son had died.  So for me baby showers are something that is just too hard.  They aren't happy anymore.  They aren't pink and blue and smiles.  They are sad, they are heartbreaking, and they are a painful reminder of what will never be.

I still have people asking me, have you seen a consuler?  I say "no".  I never did and never felt like I had too.  But it still amazing me when people ask.  I mean really???  I don't spend all day in bed!  I don't cry all day!  I don't cry most days at all!  I don't hide out all the time.  I talk to people, maybe not the same people I did before my losses.  I do get out and I spend time with friends and family.  Yes, I've changed, but I am ok with that.  I have let go of the people in my life that have hurt me.  I don't need the added pain.  I have enough pain.  I have let go of people who want and have made my pain all about them.  You'd be surprise by the people in my life that have done this.  Never thought they would have done it.  But when I look back on it, I really don't need them.  I don't miss them.

But I have added allot more friends.  Maybe not friends that I go out and do things with.  But friends that understand what I am going through and what it feels like to lose a baby or babies.  They know what it feels like to try month after month for a baby with no success.  And at the end of the day, I don't have to explain myself to any of these people.

I do have a couple of very close friends.  They have never lost a baby, but have had other hardships in their lives.  Things that bond us and bring us closer.

I have a husband that loves me for me.  And though he may not understand how I feel.  And he doesn't always understand what I need to feel better.  He is there.  Sometimes he says the wrong things at the wrong time, but he tries.  He loves me.  He wants me.  He married me.  He made 7 babies with me.  He comes home every night when he isn't out of town.  He stays with me even when I don't make sense or are very nice at time.  He doesn't judge, he just loves!

Ok.  I am done....I am tired... And I am losing focus....So I am done for now....

Enjoy,

Christi

I'll cry if I want too, and it's not all about you!

I thought I was done venting with my other post. But I don't think I am.

It hurts to know that when I lost Isaac and Sweet Pea people made it about them. Friends that were pregnant (NOT ALL OF THEM, but most of them) made it all about them. When I asked for space they made me feel bad. Along with those friends, just people in general, made me feel like I was resenting them. Made me feel like I should just suck it up and get over it.

I hated it. I never once resented my friends that were pregnant! It killed me to see them or any pregnant women for that matter because it reminded me of WHAT I LOST. Not what they had. I didn't want their baby. I didn't want to be them, nor would I ever! I wanted what I LOST! I wanted MY BABIES! I wanted my HAPPY ENDING.

I had someone write a blog post all about how my lose hurt her feelings because I asked for space. Oh my, it was bad. I got accused of resenting her and her baby. It hurt so much! She made it all about her. She never took the time to think about how she was acting or treating me was hurting me. She did this quite a few times when I was pregnant too. And throughout our friendship. She would treat me like crap. She's call me and yell at me or tell me what I was doing was wrong. Thing is she'd do the same thing down the road, and then it would be ok. We never did anything other than talk on the phone. And when she got pregnant the last time, she never bothered to tell me before she announced it to the world. And normally that would be fine. Thing is she knew we were trying to get pregnant again. We had been trying for 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. We'd ask each other often if they other was pregnant, and she lied to me many times. She even lied to my face when I was pretty sure she was. She never apologized for the pain it caused. It hurt allot. She claims the last 4 babies were "surprises". Not so sure about that. But it's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that God will take care of her when she gets to Heaven.

She isn't the only one. I have lots of people just blow me off since I lost my babies. They ignore me and pretend it didn't happen or that they don't know me. They just expect me to just move on and pretend I am ok. They think because we have 5 living children that I should just be happy. Thing is most of them have never been through a loss, they have NO IDEA what it feels like. Ugg. I hate living in the freaking town. I hate it so much! I wish I could just get up and move. Move somewhere people really care about you. Because here they don't! They don't care about me. If we moved away, they wouldn't miss us. They'd probably throw a party for themselves that they finally made us leave. Yes, that is how I really feel.

Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that really care. They email me, text me, and call me. They love me for me. And they reach out to support me. They love me and don't expect me to just be happy. Thing is their busy, and I don't get to hang out with them often. Everyone has a life, some happier than others.

I don't wish for what others have. I don't want a bigger house because so and so has one. I dont' want a boat or car or this or that, just because someone else has it. Because if you really look at their life and what they are hiding behind. You'll see they are just like everyone else. Their kids have issues, just like yours. Sometime they use those "things" to hide how bad their kids really are. They have fights with their husbands like everyone else. And they use those "things" to hide the fact that their husband is cheating and they don't want to be embarrassed, so they hide it. They have debt like everyone else, some more than others. They use the credit cards to buy happiness to hide the sadness and loneliness in their lives. Most people use the "things" they have in their life to hide behind. I don't want to become one of them! I don't want things to make me feel better!

I have things that I pray for. I would love a bigger house, NOT because it makes me a better person. Or because others have it. We would love a bigger house, because our family is getting to big for our small house. But it will happen in God's Time. Just like if we're meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's time. But it doesn't mean I can't pray about them. I do almost every day. I know God has a beautiful house for us. Just don't know when it will happen. I pray for a long marriage! I pray that God will continue to keep us together and always looking towards Him, putting God 1st. I pray that God will continue to help me daily see the blessing He has blessed me with.

I have never and will never resent a women or friend that is pregnant. Does it make me sad and hurt to see them, yes, And it probably will forever, unless we have another healthy baby sometime. But does that mean that I want what they have? NO! I don't want what they have. I want my own baby. I want a baby growing in my belly. I want to feel my baby moving and turning. I don't want what they have. That's their baby. I don't want their baby. I want my own baby.

But it does mean, that I will not put myself in a situation where I have to be around them, see them, or see their "updates" on fb (they get hidden). I don't feel bad about it and I shouldn't. It hurts to see them or anyone pregnant, because it brings the pain back again from losing Isaac and Sweet Pea. I hate that people don't even think about what they are doing or do and how it can hurt or affect those around them that have lost a baby. If you know someone that has lost a baby, and you find out your pregnant, you should tell that person before you announce it to the world. Because otherwise, your causing them pain. But telling them person to person, or over the phone if you live too far away, you show them respect and like their feelings matter and that you value their friendship. Otherwise, you not telling them in person or calling them, your showing them you could careless about their loss or the pain your causing. Sending a fb message isn't ok. It's not personal and is just as hurtful.

Ok. I am done. I know this probably is just a bunch of rambling. And doesn't make allot of sense. But this is my blog, and it's how I feel. I don't make excuses for how I feel. Life just sucks sometimes!

Christi

Missing You and a Vent

I've been missing my babies so very much lately.  I think part of it is because my other babies have gone to school and my house it too quiet.  If we hadn't lost my babies, I'd have a little one at home.  And I think knowing that makes the quiet so hard.

And then each month, that we don't get pregnant makes my heart break.  I have been trying to convince myself each month and I'm not pregnant and just remind myself that Aunt Flow will be here soon, so when she does, it doesn't hurt so much when it comes.  And I think that if it ever comes to be that we do get pregnant, that it will be a shock.  I have gotten better about not completely breaking down when Aunt Flow comes.  I still cry and have a down day.  But it doesn't last as long as it used to.

I went outside today, while hubby was getting the kids ready for bed, and just sat on the back deck looking at Isaac's and Sweet Pea's Tree.  I just sat and looked at the tree.  I just kept talking to them.  Telling them how much I missed them and love them.  I love knowing that they can hear me, and I wanna believe that they can see me too.  I wish I could see them in my dreams.  That God would give me a glimpse of them.  I wish I could have some pictures to hold.  But I have nothing of them.  I have been blessed with 2 wonderful hankies from Lil Angels Hankies.  And a person I used to be friends with made me 2 burp clothes for them.  And a sweet friend of mine, gave me a little baby doll that is about the size Isaac was when he passed away.  I have several things that I was given after I lost my babies.  But what I wouldn't give to have something they touched or a picture.  Ya know.

I have learned to try and work my schedule around nothing seeing those people I don't want to see.  I pray when I know I'll be going somewhere I might see "those" people I want to avoid.  And so far God has blessed me with not seeing them.  It hurts so much to see those people.  They have hurt me so much, and it is easier to work through the pain without seeing them.  I think knowing that they have just gone on with their lives and don't care about the pain they've caused makes it harder.  So I just have learned to pray.  Ask God to keep them out of my life, and that he will continue to help me forgive daily.

Since the kids have gone back to school, I haven't left the house much.  I have slept allot (didn't realize how tired I really was), cleaning my house and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore and giving it to Good Will.  We also went grocery shopping, was really weired to do it without any kids.  I also got to eat lunch with my baby on his 5th Birthday.  Then I stayed to eat lunch with my daughter since they are at the same school.  I had a great time, but I hate the feeling of "being the "out cast" at my kids schools.  It seems like people just look at me that say to themselves, "oh she's the person no one likes here".  It is probably in my head, but you know that "look" you get.  Well, it's the look I get.  Which is probably why I tend to stay away from their schools.  Some of those people are just down right rude and mean.

I had a dream the other night, that someone I used to be friends with was pregnant with her 7th baby.  She is the one I had to ask for space after I lost my Isaac.  We were both pregnant with our 6th child and I just needed space.  I needed space from everyone that was pregnant at that time, heck even know I need space from those that are pregnant.  It was harder with her, because she took it personal and used it to make things all about her.  Well, I have come to the conclusion, that she probably will have another baby sometime.  And I just don't care.  What they do it there business and how they afford their babies is there problem not mine.  I don't have to talk to her, see her, or be apart of her life.  And at this point, I am not sure I will ever want to be. She hurt me so bad, to the point that is makes me sick to think of having to be around her.  And trust me she isn't the only one.  There are many people in my small town that have hurt me so very much.  Which is why I tend to stay away from actives here in town.  I hate having to be around those people.

My daughter is starting next week to take gymnastic class.  And thankfully, I don't think any of those people I don't want to be around will have kids in her class,   But I think their kids will be taking classes at the same time my daughter will be taking hers.  So I have a feeling I will be seeing them each week.  And I tell you what,, it is making me sick to my stomach to think of having to see these high school acting witches each week.  Ugg.  I'm praying God will make it work out where I don't ever have to see any of them!

Ok. I think I am done venting.

Christi

The School Year Has Started

Yesterday was my 5 Earth Blessing 1st day of the new school year.  It was a tough day and I knew it would be. 

My youngest started Kindergarten.  And I miss him.  If I hadn't had both my loses I would have a baby at home with me.  So it's just another reminder of what I have lost.  My house is so quiet and empty.  I miss my kids.  I don't miss the fighting and arguing.  But I miss the hugs and kisses.

I have spent most of the last 2 day's sleeping.  I think my body is just wore out and a bit sad.  I know it may take another week or 2 to get adjusted to my "New Normal".  So I am enjoying the sleep, since I don't sleep well at night anymore.  It helps me catch back up a bit.

I asked my baby if he had a good time at school.  He said yes.  I asked if he missed me, he said no.  I was a little sad.  But I know he does. but is just really loving school right now.  And for that I am glad.  I was really afraid that he would have a meltdown and not want to leave.  I was afraid he would cry so much as school that they would call me to come and get him.

But instead he is doing great.  He came home yesterday and said.  I didn't get in trouble today.  I said that is good!  He also told me he got chocolate milk at lunch.  I asked why (they were all told not to get anything from school for breakfast or lunch since they bring their lunch and eat breakfast at home).  He said he was thirsty.  I asked why he didn't bring his water.  He said they wouldn't let him bring his backpack with him.  So he couldn't take his water.  Silly boy, he thought because his water was in the pocket of his backpack that he had to take his backpack with him to lunch.  So I had to explain to his to take his water bottle out of his backpack and take it to lunch with his lunchbox.  So I am hoping today goes better.

My daughter said she had a good day.   She got to bring her "Big Reader" book home and looked reading it.  She actually had homework.  I was a little surprised. But it is what it is.  We worked on spelling words.  She had a melt down.  And we worked through it and got it done. 

My twins flipped out when I told them they were going to practice their spelling words.  They won't take a test until a week from Friday, but I told them they were going to practice now.  That didn't go well.  But we got it done.

And my oldest didn't have any homework, but he did read for about 15 minutes.  Just to have something to do.  He is also grounded from TV until Friday because of a bad attitude this morning.  I wasn't going to take any more of it.  So he is now grounded.

I had my support group for baby loss yesterday.  I have missed the past 2 months so it was so good to go back.  There were some new ladies and a few I have already met.  It is always hard to see the fresh pain.  Pain that is so real and so tough.  But I am glad there is a group like this for women like me.  So that we know we're not allow.

It now has been 10 months since I lost Sweet Pea.  It's hard because I think with it being my 2nd loss  and wasn't as long as Isaac.  Many people just tend to forget him.  They forget that I had a second loss. Heck most people have forgotten Isaac too.  Why would they remember Sweet Pea??  I have to remind myself and others.  I am still grieving.  It hasn't been a year yet.  I still have the right to have up and down days.  Most days are good.  But I still have tough days.  I miss my Sweet Pea just as much as I do Isaac.  It may have been harder to lose Isaac, because he was our 1st loss and so new to us.  But losing Sweet Pea killed me too.  I just knew what to expect with it just being 13 1/2 weeks after I lost Isaac.

I am hoping to do a small party for Sweet Pea like we did for Isaac.  It just makes it a bit harder, because it will fall on a school night.  It actually falls on the day my daughter will have dance class.  So my hubby will be taking her that day.  I am not going to put myself in a situation where I know I will not do good.

So I guess that is it for now.  I will add some pictures from Isaac's party soon.  Just have a few other things I need to do 1st.

Christi

A Poem to Touch Our Hearts

I saw this poem on facebook.  And I had to copy it.  So here it is:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:
...

A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

 

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven

Today is Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven.  Today we celebrate and we cried.  We remembered where we were 1 year ago and how far we have come.  We let go balloons with pictures from the kids and letters of love and sadness for Isaac.  We let them go one by one and watched them until we could no longer see them.

We stood around Isaac's and Sweet Pea's tree.  We said a prayer and told Isaac how much we loved him.  We had each kid one at a time let go of their balloons.  We had to tie 2 balloons together because the paper we had the kids draw on was too heavy for just one balloon.  Thankfully I had gotten a tank after talking to a friend.  Otherwise this would have broken my heart.  But God knew it would happen and told me to get the tank.

Our friends Steven and Deanna and their sweet youngest daughter Isabelle came for the party tonight.  Steven took pictures for us.  And I can't wait to see them.  They will be forever cherished!  Having Isabelle there actually helped me, as I figured it would.  She gave me someone to hold and helped me feel relaxed.  She has helped me more than she will ever realize.  I got to hold her when I was ready after I lost Sweet Pea.  I got to love on her and hold her while she slept.  Her mommy and daddy let me stay all day and just love on her and heal.  Holding her didn't take away the pain of losing Isaac and Sweet Pea, but it gave me empty arms someone to hold even for a few hours.  She has been a huge part of healing as her Mommy and Daddy!

They have been there to support me and love on me.  They are truly Godly People and a blessing to myself and my family!

My Sweet Friend Chaunnessey also came this morning.  She wasn't able to come tonight so she came this morning to hug me and love on me for a few minutes.  And considering she lives over an hour away from me, and still came means the world to me.  She understands the pain I feel.  She's been in my shoes.  She give me love and support and helps me when I feel like I can't keep going.  She is there for me when I need to talk and sends me emails to let me know she is thinking about me and praying for me.

I want to share the email me send me yesterday:

"I know that precious little man is watching over you right now. Just know he loves his mama very much ad is waiting for you one day. I love you my sweet friend just know your loved and supported. You have the most precious gift of all two sweet beautiful angels holding you and loving you."

It made me cry and smile all at the same time!  Just to know someone understood and still remembers means so much!

Our friends Deanna and Steven that came tonight, got us a card.  They each wrote something for us and Isaac.  Deanna also crocheted us a small stocking for Isaac.  It has a small "I" on it.  I love it!!  I am going to hang it on the Christmas Tree when Christmas comes around.  And until then, I will keep it safe in the place I put all Isaac's and Sweet Pea's special stuff.  One day, I will get a box for them.  Just not up to it yet.  I also, still need to get their sonogram picture blown up and hung on the wall with the other kids baby pictures.  She said that she'll make one for Sweet Pea as well for his Birthday.

I am not sure why it is so hard to get a box or blow up their pictures.  I think part of it is time, with the kids home it makes it hard to get out.  And part of it is just the pain and seeing the pictures again.  I will one day too it, I know.

Anyways, it has been a very long day.  And I am glad it is over.  We have come a long way from 1 year ago.  I have healed allot and still have a long ways to go.  I am sure one day seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant women won't make me wanna cry and have a panic attack.  One day I am sure :/

Thank you for coming along with me on this journey.

Christi

1 Year Ago... My Life Forever Changed

One year ago my world came crashing down.  I went to my 15 1/2 week prenatal check up.  I was so excited because the bleeding, spotting and discharge had finally stopped.  I had thought finally this pregnancy was going to be ok and I was going to have a healthy baby in about 5 months. 

But instead my world was turned upside down.  The doctor came and I was all excited to hear my sweet Baby's Heart Beat on the doppler.  Unfortunately, he couldn't find it.  I wasn't scared at this point.  This had happened once before with one of my other kids.  And with the sonogram they found the baby and the heart beat and all was fine.

It took about 10 minute to get the sonogram set up, the normal songram person wasn't there.  So the doctor did the sonogram.  Again I wasn't worried at this point.  I wasn't bleeding and I had thought that I had felt the baby move a little the past few day's. 

So finally he started the sonogram, and we found the baby, but he wasn't moving and there was no flutter of a heart beat.  My Sweet Baby had died.  I didn't realize it at 1st.  After what seemed like 10 minutes (probably was like 1 or 2 minutes) the doctor said "Christi, I don't know what to tell you, I can't find a heartbeat."  I asked  the doctor "can't you do that heart beat thing, where you can hear the heart beat like the lady does?"  He said you have to find it before you do that, so he did it for me anyways and I wish he hadn't.  All you hear was the beep......  Like you do when someone flat lines.  It was the worse sound a mama can hear.

He left me there to clean my belly off and to have some time alone.  I called my husband and told him, they couldn't find a heart beat and our baby was gone.  He didn't understand and was in shock.  We only talked for a few seconds and I had to let him go.  They were sending me downstairs to see a high risk doctor for a 2nd opinion.  While I was waiting to be sent upstairs, my hubby called me.  He was in shock and didn't know what to do.  He kept asking me if he wanted me to come up there.  I kept telling him no.  I needed to keep it together until I got home and if he came up there, I'd lose it.  He asked me, weren't you half way there.  I said yes, but it can still happen.  There was no heart beat and our baby had died.  He was crying and I was crying.  Just not how I expected my 6th pregnancy to end.  They finally sent me upstairs, I sat in the lobby for a little bit.  I was still crying and trying to keep it together.  I was hoping for a miracle.  I asked the people in the office if I could have a room, I just needed to pray and felt uncomfortable being out there with everyone else.

They finally put me in a room, and I got on my knee's and prayed.  I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a miracle.  He did, just not the way I was hoping.  They finally brought me back into the sonogram room.  They found the baby but again no heart beat.  Our baby was indeed gone.  They figured he had passed about 1 week before.  I had been carrying my baby who no longer was alive.  They told me my doctor would tell me where we would go from there.  So they sent me back upstairs.

I sat in the room and waited for my doctor.  He came in and told me we needed to get started on getting the baby out.  I wasn't given allot of opinions.  Pretty much told we had to do a d&c.  Thing is, I didn't want them to rip my baby out of me.  It is NOT what I wanted.  But I agreed to it.  We picked Friday (this was a Monday), because my Husband was in training all week (This was one of the miracles God blessed us with).  So we scheduled my d&c for Friday.  He wanted to get my cervix ready since the baby was big and he was afraid of having trouble getting the baby out.  He decided to put these seedweed rod's in my cervix.  It is suppose to help your cervix dilate.  So he put like 3 or 4 of them in there,  And let me tell you it hurt and it hurt bad!!  I was told to come back Wednesday so they could do this again.

I left the office as a different person than when I came in.  I would never and will never be the same person.  I came in as mom to be and left as a mom with a baby in Heaven.

I still had a couple things I had to do before I could go home.  So with the grace of God I got through them and finally made it to my MIL's house.  My husband was there working.  So I parked the car and got out.  My husband met me at the car door and just hugged me.  We both cried and just stood there and held each other.  We finally made our way into the house.  We just sat on the couch and didn't know what to say.  I told him what they were wanting to do and that I would need to go back on Wednesday for more rods to be put in.

We talked about what to tell the kids and what we were going to do.  He said he'd talk to the kids.  We still weren't sure what we would tell them.  So we finally got it together enough and drove home.  I went into the room to get myself together and change.  We sat 4 of our 5 kids down on the couch.  Our 5th was still at church camp.  He'd be coming home the next day, Tuesday.  After we all sat them down we told them, that our Sweet Peanut (that's what we called him then) had passed away.  It was really basic and we didn't go into depth.  Funny thing is I did most of the talking, because my husband didn't know what to say.  And I am blessed because God gave me the strength to speak and the words to say.

My kids lost their innocent that night.  They lost their baby brother.  They will never have the innocent thinking that every baby comes home.  They learned at a very young age that sometimes babies die and go to Heaven.  They learned a life lesson that will hopefully give them a soft heart for other people that go through this. 

I didn't sleep that night.  I cried and cried and ask God why he took my sweet baby.  It just didn't make sense.  The next day, I had a friend pick up my oldest from camp.  I couldn't go out of the house.  Thankfully she was glad to help.  She dropped him off later that afternoon.  And unfortunately he knew when he got home something was wrong.  I took him in my bedroom and broke the news to him.  He cried and I cried.  He was forever changed that day.  He grew up that day.  He became a young man that day.  He held me and cried and I held him and cried.

I went back to the doctor on Wednesday for more rods.  At this point I was cramping and bleeding allot.  I had everyone praying for God to help me go into labor on my own.  I didn't want the d&c.  I didn't want my baby to be ripped away.  I wanted to have my baby my whole baby.  So they put more rods in and it hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and hit some people.

They sent  me down stairs to get blood work done and explain what to expect.  They told me that my baby would be taken and because I wasn't 20 + weeks, I wouldn't be given the baby for a funeral. Instead they would cremate our baby and sprinkle their ashes in a Hope Garden they made for the miscarried babies.  It was so sad and I was just crying.  I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby.  My baby's body was still in me but his soul was gone.

I was told to go home and rest.  I wasn't suppose to come back again until Friday for the d&c.  Again I was still praying for a miracle.  I was praying God would allow my body to go into labor.  I had everyone I had talked to, to pray.  My heart was breaking.  I was sad.  I felt alone.  I couldn't look at pregnant people and had learned that I would have to space myself from them.  And to this day, I still do.  I have let go of friends because they had cause me pain and just couldn't be supportive.  I don't need more drama.

Well, Thursday morning, I couldn't sleep.  I kept waking up to go potty.  I was cramping and couldn't get comfortable.  My husband went to training around 5:30ish or so.  I was still cramping and in pain.  I had no idea what was going on.  I asked my mom to bring me some medicine and water.  She told me "your in labor".  I was in shock.  I had never been in labor before.  But it was a true miracle..  My body was doing what it needed to do.  What I wanted it to do.

I called my doctor and talked to the nurse.  They told me to come in right away.  Long story short, my friend brought me to the ER.  My husband met us there.  They put me in the ER (and I wish they would have put me in the L&D).  They hooked me up to the IV and started some pain medicine.  My contractions were coming every minute.  It was the most intense pain I had every been in.  But it was another miracle. 

Finally around 1pm, I delivered my sweet son, Isaac Nathaniel.  I was able to see his sweet face before they took him away.  They never even told me they took him.  They just cut his cord and took him away.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to hold him.  I didn't get any pictures.  But what I did get was more miracles than I deserve.

My miracles:

1. I found out his was a boy
2. My body went into labor and didn't have to have the d&c to get him out
3. I got to see his sweet face
4. I got a passion to help other mom's not to go through what I went through
5. That I get to share my story and help other mom's feel safe to share their story
6. That my babies saved my life

What I went through was hell.  And it isn't fair.  It still hurts to see pregnant women, whether I know them or not.  I don't wish what I went through on anyone.  I didn't ask to lose Isaac.  But I understand for me to live, he had to pass away too soon.  We found out I have a blood clotting disease that could have killed me.  They found after I lost Sweet Pea, that I have several different things wrong with me.  And without losing both Isaac and Sweet Pea they wouldn't have found them.

A year had passed since I found out my sweet Isaac was gone.  That God allowed my family to go through hell and to lose a baby.  You see so many other people who hurt their kids, who kill their unborn babies, and who don't want the kids they have.  But yet God still gives them kids.  And here we are.  We wanted Isaac so much.  We love our kids, we loved and still do love Isaac and Sweet Pea.  But still God allowed them to leave us far too soon.

I know God has plan.  He has brought us through this 1st year.  He had carried me most days.  I couldn't breath without God giving it to me.  I couldn't get up each morning if God didn't give me 5 wonderful earthly blessing and a husband who need me.  I couldn't have the courage to share my story if God didn't show me how much it helps others.  I do everything I do to praise God and give him the glory.  I am who I am because of God.  I am where I am because of God.

This Saturday will be Isaac's 1st Birthday in Heaven.  We choose that day because it was the day I delivered his sweet body.  We will be having a small party.  We have asked a few close friends to come and join us.  We will have dinner, release balloons, and cupcakes.  I want to put a candle on each cupcake.  I want each person to either say a wish  or prayer of goodness for our family or one of the kids when they blow the candles out.  We will also each either draw a picture (this is more for the kids) or write a small letter to Isaac and tell it to the balloon.  We will let them go and wish Isaac a Happy Birthday.  I love him so much!!  I miss him so much!!  But I am grateful to know where He is.  He is in Heaven.  He is safe and in no pain.  He has God and Jesus to keep him safe.  He has so much family and a brother in Heaven. 

God will call me home when he is ready.  And until then, I will spend every day loving on my Earthly Blessing  and my husband.  I am grateful for the blessing I have but will forever miss my Heavenly babies.

Well, this is my story.  This is a short blurb of Isaac Nathaniel's life.  A life cut too short, but long enough to change my life forever!

Christi

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Well, I was so hoping that God was going to bless us with another baby.  But no.  I was 9 days late and took about 12 pregnancies test.  They call came out not pregnant.  But for me that is normal.  So to be sure, I went and had a blood test done on Monday.  My sweet nurse knowing how bad I needed to know, called me at 8:30 Tuesday morning.  Only to break my heart.  My HCG level was -.02.  I am not pregnant.  And my lovely period came shortly later Tuesday morning.

I cried oh I cried.  I was mad. not at God, but at life.  Why would my period be 10 days late only not to be pregnant.  Why when I want a baby so bad, and have been doing my best to give it to God, does it have to be late?  I have been doing good about not stressing when we can't make love allot and I don't try to plan each time we're going to make love.  I have been doing my best not to get upset if we can't make love when I want to.  And then it comes late, I get my hopes up.  And then to find out I wasn't.  Just heart breaking.  I want to scream "it's not fair", because it's not. 

Before my last living child, I could get pregnant within months.  With the exception of my 1st.  It took us 9 month to find out  I had hypro-throid.  Which was keeping me from getting pregnant.  But then within 3 weeks of medicine I was pregnant.  And then the next 3 pregnancies happened without problems.  Even with baby #5 it was a total surprise.  But then fast forward 1 1/2 year we start trying for baby #6.  But no luck.  Two in a half years later and we finally get pregnant.  Only to lose that baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant again, only to lose that baby.  And now 9 months later we're still not pregnant.  I"m starting to wonder if I will have another living baby.  Will I ever be pregnant again?  Will I ever feel another baby move in my tummy.

So many people I know are either pregnant or have a new baby.  I don't want what they have.  I want what my heart has desired for 3 1/2 years.  I want another baby.  I want my baby.  Problem is my body is so screwed up.  My cycle is messed up.  I thought it was starting to get regular, and maybe that would help us get pregnant.  But that went out the window.

I know it is in God's hands.  But I wish He'd tell me if it will ever happen.  I have gotten better about not breaking down when Aunt Flow comes.  But when it is 10 days late and that's the most overdue I have been since before I lost Sweet Pea.  I did my best not to get my hopes up.  And I wouldn't let myself think ahead or even think about when I might be due.  I couldn't, it would just make it more painful.

Then on top of all this, my hubby is out of town and my baby girl has a staph infection that turned into MRSA.  She is hopefully getting better, but it will be a long road.  She was in the the ER twice and had to have 2 of the huge bug bite that got infected really bad drained.  Those are finally starting to look like they are healing.  It was so hard to see her in pain and them cutting into these bites and drain them.  I wanted to cry with her.  We still have to change the bandages twice a day, and she has to soak in the tub with epson salt twice a day.  Taking those bandages off is killing her.  She screams and kicks.  Ugg.  Drives me crazy.

So to recap my week and it's only Wednesday:   I found out I am not pregnant, my daughter has MRSA, and my hubby is out of town.  This week just sucks.  I am hoping it gets better soon,  I am physically and emotionally drained.  I feel like I could sleep for days and it would still not be enough.

Well, I wanted to just be real and show that Life sucks sometimes.  Even as a Christian we have hard roads and life sucks sometimes.  But at least I know God is still in control and God is holding me!

Enjoy,

Christi